Teal Sea
After the informational meeting I attended in August I waited 2 months for my intake appointment. I have been checking out the OH site almost every day, just to remind myself that yes, I will be having WLS, and yes, I should stay motivated. My intake appointment was yesterday and it went great - the only disappointment is that because of my insurance I have to have six months of supervised/documented weight loss before I can get approved, so I won't have surgery until March or April of 2006. Still, having surgery in the spring is easier than slogging down the snowy interstate in New Hampshire and I am hoping we will be settled in our new house by then too.
Hi, I know it has been awhile. We have moved from our apartment to our first home, a very funky, slightly quirky ranch in Penacook. Whoever thinks that homeowners have to be rich is hereby pronounced crazy. We are broker than we have ever been, to the point where I have to comb the cupboards to find something creative - translate, desperate - to make for our next meal and I sometimes steal change from the coffee fund at the office so I can buy a soda. I feel so deprived (being a compulsive shopper substituted for compulsive eating and now I can't do it) I am feeling pretty mental and feel hungry all the time. I know that it is head hunger but it is so powerful. I had lost 32 pounds since attending my first information session at CMC but now I have gained back two and I feel so scared. I know that 2 pounds doesn't feel like a lot but this is a slippery slope and I've been down it before. The only thing that feels worse than being fat is losing weight and then seeing it slowly creep back...
I still have 3 (or 4) months of the "supervised weight loss experience" to go before I can even start thinking about surgery, and WLS seems very far away, very unreal. When I was losing weight - which seemed so effortless and steady just a few short weeks ago - I found myself thinking that I didn't need this surgery. Hell, I've lost 100 pounds dozens of times before LOL what's one more time?! Now that every day starts with the best of intentions, eating-wise, and ends in despair, I realize that I do need this surgery but at the same time I am terrified of the lifestyle changes it will involve and I don't know if I have what it takes. As far as "nothing tasting as good as thin feels" I say bulsh--, I can think of a number of things: tiramisu, filet mignon, raspberry pie, crab rangoons, dark chocolate...I pray for God to help me: stop binge eating, get out of debt, get money, stop feeling anxious, stop secretly watching QVC, stop spending every last dime on "easy pay" orders. I pray for God to help me grow up already, and stop being a materialistic escapist, I pray to learn contentment, to remember that the best things in life are free. I pray to be frugal like my husband, to be hardworking and disciplined like my husband. I feel like I am losing the battle with stress. I go to work where I have been filling in for the payroll officer who got tired of being micromanaged and quit. I have been learning the job as I go along; there is still alot of stuff I don't know how to do but so far everyone has been getting paid the right amount and no one is complaining. I wish I could just get hired to do the job but I did not pass the proficiency exam so I was disqualified as a candidate but I am still doing the job "fill in" and have done it for 6 weeks. You know, not good enough to marry, just good enough to f---. Sorry about the ranting, nothing is getting better. I understand the saying "poverty is violence" because I feel like I have been being beaten up continuously for a couple of months now and it hurts. Maybe we will run out of food and I will be able to lose weight again. Please, if you care to send energy my way, skip the "quit whining" routines and pray for me. Maybe God will listen to you.
Hi, everybody,
Well, we are still broker than sh--, have had a few more arguments, etc. etc. My Dad fell and broke two bones in his ankle and has been in a nursing home for the past two weeks (after being discharged from rehab. center at the hospital). He is kind of freaked out about being in a home and can't wait to be discharged so he can come home. He is a lot more optimistic about his future than my Mom, who is terrified of what the future holds as they approach their 80s. She is in remission from bladder cancer and has an appointment with the oncologist for a follow up this Friday and she is so scared. I am traveling from NH to DC on Thursday so that she doesn't have to go to her appointment alone. This is not such a huge sacrifice for me because I need to get away from my job for a few days - it is difficult having to watch someone else do the work I loved (especially because she is a little bossy) on top of responding to one change after another.
Somehow, my husband and I are managing to stay together (knock on wood) through all this. Did I tell you I am going through menopause and hormonally I feel crazier than I did in puberty (and that was pretty bad)? So we have had a few awful fights and I am plagued with almost constant anxiety attacks. It's a good thing that he is so sweet....I don't know how we'd make it, otherwise.
The only other good news is that I have completed my 6-month supervised weight loss/diet/exercise program and have a date to consult with my surgeon! April 17th - Scott is coming with me as my support person. Wish me luck, OK? Love, Anne
Hi,
I have an appointment with Connie Campbell, my surgeon, scheduled for April 17th. I weighed 278 when I started the six month supervised weight loss program that Cigna for State of New Hampshire requires and now I weigh between 236 and 238, depending on how good or bad I have been. I am excited and scared at the same time.
You know that I have been really, really depressed about not being able to pass the Division of Personnel's proficiency exam for Payroll Officer I and watching someone else get hired for the job I was actually doing. I was going to give up but someone from Personnel persuaded me to come in and look at my test results to see where I went wrong. So I went and found out I had read too much into the instructions and that the test was actually very easy, you just apply instructions for specific tasks to only those tasks and nowhere else. When you see your test results you have to wait 30 days to take the test again, so I waited the required amount of time and took the test and I got a 98.1 out of 100. I let out yell at my desk when I got the results, and my boss thought I was having a stroke because my face got all red (or was it because I am fat?!) because I was so happy. Even though I didn't get the job, I finally passed that test, because I kept on trying, and because someone believed I could do it. Too bad the person who had faith in me wasn't my boss, but I am on the register now, and will be considered for other payroll positions. Hopefully another position in the state system will open up.
I went to the OH "webinar" about possible complications of RNY which was informative if a bit frightening. But I know what questions to ask my surgeon at the consult appointment.
Love,
Anne
April 10, 2006
I HAVE A DATE!!! JUNE 20, 2006 - JOY!!!!!
Wow, Scott and I just got back from the consult with Connie Campbell and my date has been advanced from June 20 to May 30. Shock and awe...I know I should be doing crunches so my core is strong for surgery but my overriding impulse is to pray and meditate to visualize a successful, safe surgery and quick, healthy recovery.
Hi, again,
It is finally spring in New Hampshire and it is so beautiful it is painful; I have been thinking about how sweet and precious life is and how wonderful it will be to truly appreciate every part of it, instead of being obsessed with food. Please don't think I am so dumb that I think one stroke of the scalpel will just make it happen automatically - I know that this is the furthest thing from the truth. I realize that due to months of reading the posts on this wonderful site, reading Carnie Wilson's books; as well as two other ones - "Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies" and "Exodus from Obesity"; and a lot of prayer, that I have actually been feeling a bit detached from food. Maybe it is because I had to have a colonoscopy (what a nice 50th birthday present) and couldn't eat for almost 2 days. I originally thought I was going to perish from hunger but I really didn't miss it very much. I tried to think of it as a vacation for my overworked digestive tract, imagined that I had paid for it as a "spa service" (hah) and actually enjoyed increased mental clarity for a few days, with minimal loss of energy. The only cautionary note was that after 18 hours without caffeine I had a splitting headache by the time I got to the endoscopy suite. Well, food is back, caffeine, too; but I haven't taken Advil or Aleve again and I am going to stick with non-ibuprofen, non-naproxyn from now on so I can say I've made one adjustment in preparation for WLS.
My counselor at our Employee Assistance Program is freaking out that my mind will not be able to catch up with my rapidly shrinking body once I have WLS. Hey, I am inclined to agree with her, so to that end, I am enrolling in a support program at the (only) nearby center for eating disorders. It involves sessions with a therapist, a nutritionist and group meetings. I feel very fortunate (and guilty as hell) that insurance covers it because the center is an in-network provider and all I have to shell out is a small co-pay. She has also hooked me up with someone who had WLS and who is eating her way around it and regaining weight. She actually lives near me and is coming over this weekend to give me some more information and some other web sites. She sounds really nice but she is treating me like I don't know anything about WLS at all, and that always bugs the s--- out of me. I try to tell myself that for all my intellectual knowledge that this woman may very well be right; I may be incrediby naive and have no "gut" (sorry about that) knowledge of the reality of WLS. I don't know if I ever will until I go through it.
So this is what I do: pray. At any available opportunity - and especially when I wake up in the middle of the night. I visualize myself having a successful surgery and a fast and easy recovery. Then I pray some more. About two weeks ago, it popped into my head to just turn this all over to God and let Him take care of it, and since then I have felt so peaceful.
There are only certain things I think about that make me sad, and that is the thought that I may die during/after surgery -especially because my husband will have to tell my Mom. My Mom is so set against WLS that I haven't told her I am having it. I wish I could but she reacts so violently when I even bring up the subject the way I would any other social issue that I cannot tell her that I am going to have it myself. I would be so sad if she and my Dad (both age 78) outlived me - she is so scared of bad things happening that she has distorted her whole life in an attempt to keep everything safe. I know it doesn't work, but she thinks it does.
I have urged my husband, Scott, to check out this site - just to see the huge changes people and their families go through, so that he realizes what an enormous deal this is going to be. Scotty, I pray that you will. I don't know how you can act like such a jerk and still be the sweetest, most dependable man on earth, but you are, and I love you so much. Just know this, no matter what happens to me: love is stronger than any force in the universe, and love is stronger than death. I will always love you, no matter what, and if I end up in the spirit world and I catch you burying your sorrow (or whatever) in another woman, I will probably get really pissed off...but in the end I will want you to be happy.
Dearest Mommy,
If you read this because I died and you are looking for a message from me, I just want you to know how very, very much I love you. I always have and I always will. Thank you for giving me life. I did not mean to squander it by having this surgery; I want so much to live a long, healthy life and be there for you and Daddy for a long, long time. I will always worry about you and take care of you in any way that I can.
Oh f---, now I am crying. I had to leave messages somewhere. Hopefully, God will decide that I am way too spoiled and obnoxious to have in heaven and let me continue to be humbled by life on earth.
Love,
Anne
Hi,
So much for the peacefulness. It seems like as soon as I set my goal "to attain optimum physical and emotional condition for surgery" life kind of set another agenda. There has been terrible flooding in New Hampshire and just as we were beginning to think that we had escaped unscathed, the rising water table forced open a crack in our basement floor and water started oozing in and got worse and worse until it was ankle deep, destroying the carpets in the finished part of the basement and filling the unfinished part with fusty, burning water. My husband stayed up day and night trying to stem the tide, spending money he'd reserved for bills on any sump pump he could find and an industrial size wet vac with pump. He is a student and he does not have a 9 - 5 job that requires his regular attendance - although it is important to mention that he works extremely hard at keeping our money pit of a house from collapsing under its weight of structural and electrical problems and earning his bachelor's degree in behavioral science.
I work 9 - 5 and am usually pretty exhausted when I get home and when he told me I would have to stay up late to man the pumps or run the vacuum I got pretty overwhelmed and refused. This was probably the wrong thing to do. He is now sick with exhaustion and I am so worried he will not take care of himself and get better.
Well, adding onto this, Scott is feeling a bit better. It's a feat of diplomatic relations when a hardworking New England lad is married to a suburban princess/diva/spoiled brat. Our marriage is always a work in process.
I am a bit numb with fear that surgery is approaching so quickly. I went to my pre-op appointment at CMC yesterday; had a chest X-ray and met with the anaesthesiologist. Every one at the hospital is so nice - the nurse gave me a big hug as I left and told me not to be afraid and that everything is going to be fine. I made out my living will and durable power of attorney - you feel a bit vulnerable putting your life in the hands of someone you have periodic screaming matches with (DH), but really he cares about me more than my blood family and certainly knows me better than anyone else in my life.
We were taking our golden retriever puppies to obedience class last night - Maya, 9 months is enrolled and Nitro, 8 weeks, was observing from his nest in the child seat part of the shopping cart. While Maya tried her best to be a good student, I was watching Nitro slowly fall asleep in the cart. I was stroking his little baby puppy face, listening to him snuffling away, and I thought "I sure hope I live to see him grow up." God, that made me sad. I have never had surgery before and I am scared of not waking up or waking up in uncontrollable pain, or that my husband will get hurt or sick while I am stuck in the hospital. I am quite a control freak and this is a situation where I envision myself as quite helpless. I still feel kind of removed from the reality of being operated on because I am still at work, still eating, etc. but on Monday, May 29 - let alone the day itself - I am afraid of the fear itself. All I can say to myself is "onwards" and think about what awesome drugs they'll be giving me.
Please wish me good luck,
Love,
Anne
Hi, everybody,
I knew I was too much of a b---- to die, here I am, on the other side of surgery and going through the proverbial emotional wringer that is life without eating.
Going to surgery kind of felt like going back to the very beginning of my life; I entered the world in the hospital and I had this feeling that going to the hospital was how I was going to exit. Don't ask me why, it kind of felt like the reverse of being born, crawling back up into my own body and disappearing.
I thought I would be freaking out about "life on the outside". What if I had a fight with my husband? How would I be able to bear being apart from him knowing that things were screwed up between us? You end up getting really, really detached - good drugs, possibly - also I was lucky because Scott was da man and was really there for me.
This was so huge that it will take several entries - besides, QVC has a fashion show on. More later. Love.
Later that same night.....
I am trying to get down the rest of my protein shake while I'm doing this, so excuse any cyber-puking.
Surgery was OK. I didn't get scared, really, because I was so disconnected from my feelings. When the anesthesiologist came into pre-surgery and tried, fruitlessly, to insert an IV in my arm and started in on the back of my hand, I started crying a little, but everything felt so suspended, I almost felt like I was acting. Scott started stroking the back of my other hand and I remembered thinking "if only you would be this way with me all the time".
In the middle of the room was a big clock suspended from the ceiling, I think it was a cube with clock faces on all four sides. I remembered that it was getting close to 7:30 am and the nurses were waiting on my surgeon to get there...how f---g perfect, my surgeon forgets to show up to my operation. But then she was there and I realized it was really going to happen. I told her I was a bit scared of going into the operating room and seeing all the instruments they were going to use, and I was scared of going under the anesthetic. She was really sweet, she must have told the nurse to pump up the versed (versid? excuse spelling) because I didn't have to say goodbye to Scott. The last thing I remembered was being in pre-op with him and the next thing I remembered was looking up at the same clock only now it said 11:00 am and it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I remember telling the nurse about it and then the next thing I knew I was in my room and Scott was sitting there, smiling at me. It was the sweetest moment I had experienced in awhile....probably one of the last for awhile.
Good things about surgery:
If you ever loved to do drugs, surgery is the experience for you. The highs were better than anything I had in college.
Nurses are the bomb. My sister is a pre-op nurse, and I know she works her ass off. All the nurses I had were truly dedicated and wonderful, and they were all so sweet to me.
Sucky things about surgery:
Your hair gets all messed up. Mine had a huge rats nest in it when I left. I had colored my hair right before I went into the hospital, and one of my visitors started yelling at the nurses that they had the wrong person in the bed, and they were like "no, no, it's Anne" and probably wondering if everyone associated with me was this strung out.
Ladies, if you have just gotten done with your period before surgery, it may play an encore. Like I said, nurses are the bomb - I wish I'd had enough money to buy them flowers, or cookies, or gift certificates to day spas, or something.
The joys of IV fluids. Right after surgery the nurses had problems getting a decent blood pressure reading on me - the lower number was like 41 or something - and I thought maybe I was bleeding internally and that I was going downhill. They started pumping me with bag after bag of fluids. I weighed 232 when I went in and 248 when I came out. I looked like the Michelin Man. This excess goes away pretty fast, but you know me, I was expecting to lose 40 pounds just by having the Roux en Y and when I weighed myself at home I burst into tears. Poor Scott, he has been having so many opportunities to exercise his tender side, I think he's plum wore it out.
The Zen of surgery: Grasshopper, a humble medicine cup of water is nectar to a Roux en Y patient. That is as about as close to nirvana as I've gotten, so far.
June 21, 2006
Well, this is certainly going to be a trip. Of course everyone on this site who's post-op has already said that WLS and beyond is a life altering experience, but did I believe it? Not until I started going through it myself.
First of all, not being able to eat is really bizarre. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I am relieved - and amazed at how much time, energy and money must have gone into thinking about food, paying for food, cooking food; the time, energy and money are all available to me now and those are gifts. Also, I don't spill stuff on myself nearly as much, which is great.
I still pine for food. In the beginning it was a longing so intense it was physical. Now, after several attempts at pushing the dietary rules (pureed foods suck - only 8 more days of that sh--, thank God) and feeling drained, nauseated, tired, queasy and just plain awful, the longing for food has morphed into the dreaded head hunger. I fantasize about food, but hesitantly, as if thinking about it too hard is going to make me dump. The absence of food has left a big space in my life and I don't know what I will fill it with yet.
I feel as if I have not lost as much weight as everyone else who had this procedure - 13 pounds since May 30 (not counting the 16 pounds of IV fluids pumped into me in hospital, counting that it would be 29 pounds) and I feel sad. I blame myself because I am not living on sugar free baby food, or drinking 64 ounces of water a day, or making my protein quota. I feel really bad. I wish I had more self discipline so I could lose lots of weight like everyone else does. Woe is me. More, hopefully happier, stuff later.
Love,
Anne
25 June 2006
Hi, y'all,
I am OK; I've lost a few more pounds. The pouch definitely whomps the crap out of my poor hungry head. I got my period, just like clockwork. Maybe hormones have been the reason I've been slow to lose weight and had difficulty resisting head hunger (along with two really attractive zits). I am resolved to be more compliant. I am sipping more, respecting the pouch. The taste of food is losing its stronghold on me due to repeated pouch slapdowns. I don't dump and haven't vomited, but when I've "interpreted the dietary guidelines too liberally" I have felt exhausted and occasionally a little queasy - I just don't want to end up being too afraid to eat because I associate food with pain. I am applying the "pureed food" criteria more strictly and I am always getting my protein calories in first.
I have always worn very forgiving clothes, I am self-conscious about my body and have been for a long time. The first couple of times I got thin I really showed off my body and wore tight jeans, but I couldn't handle the attention I got from guys and ended up burying my body under a new supply of fat. So, I decided I would just try burying it under baggy pants instead. Last summer I was in the mall - I was pretty big - and this guy and his friend started following me. The first guy kept saying things about my ass and told me to "shake it not break it" and laughed when I waddled away as fast as I could. I wish I had told them to f-- the hell off. If I saw them again today I think I'd kill them. Anyway, what was the point of this? Oh yeah, my clothes are so forgiving I can't really tell if my body is changing. I can fit into a QVC 1X now, but I can't fit into a 22/24 stretch capri from Wal-Mart yet - what sense does that make? Down 1 size from one brand and not from another. It's really disorienting.
I talked to my sister tonight because we are both worried about our elderly parents. She knew I had had the surgery and was really supportive about how much of an adjustment it must be not to be able to eat whatever and whenever I feel like it. She told me she has one friend who had the surgery and that friend told her that it really took a whole year for her to get over the upheaval WLS brought to her life. A year, huh?! I can believe it.
I am trying to get back on my psych meds (hah, the truth comes out at last) - three weeks ago, I tried crushing one Accupril (for hypertension) 40 mg football and putting it in applesauce and it tasted vile. The Prevacid solu-tab I have to take every morning is what brings me closest to gagging. I see my PCP tomorrow to see if there are any other ways to get the meds I need without hurling. Maybe I will not have to have the Accupril; when I went to the Center for Eating Disorders last week the nurse practitioner took my blood pressure and after three weeks without my blood pressure meds my BP was 110/71. "Honey," the nurse said, "you don't need to take this medication anymore." I thought I was going to cry with happiness.
Even without the arsenal of lexapro, buspar and lorazepam, I still feel pretty good. I don't cry uncontrollably, I didn't have PMS this month, even my OCD is relatively under control (except for the fact that I weigh myself at least once a day).
I just feel like I'm still waiting for something, I just don't know what it is. Maybe I thought I was going to wake up the day after surgery weighing 110 pounds. I just don't feel anything as strongly as I used to and since I've cut myself off from my main earthly pleasure (food, of course, what else were you thinking?) I just feel like my senses are dead. Except for one thing: I have cramps. I miss Advil a lot. I hope I can get through the day at work tomorrow - usually I am washing down 3 Advils with caffeinated Diet Coke for pain relief. Damn.
No money (as usual), no gratification from any source. This is no place for an addict.
I love you all.
Anne
July 9, 2006
One thing that is making me happy, even without food and/or a lot of spending money: sprucing up my own profile. What a rush to pick my own color scheme, cursor, to put in a video of my favorite song (one of them, anyway). It feels truly mine.
I weigh 210 now, not too much further to go to onederland, a place I barely remember. I should be excited about it but I don't feel very pretty or sexy or anything. I feel a little healthier but I still get tired and have to monitor myself continuously to make sure I don't slip back into mindless eating - scary how you can do that barely a month after surgery, only now it's with melba toast or zweibach cookies instead of pizza and ice cream bars.
I am at a loss about what to do about work. I know that I'm a bit of a loose cannon, just smart enough to be a real pain in the ass. I've been at my job in HR for almost 5 years and have learned a lot. I've been used to being on my own my whole life and am not good at being a team player. My supervisor has been here for 15 years and is the quintessential immovable object; impervious to change, innovation and especially other peoples' intelligence. She and I have been embroiled in a power struggle for the past couple of years. She is very much by the book, per policy, which in state government, I guess, is good. I don't know if she is threatened by me, but she always has to underscore that she is the boss and that I have to answer to her.
The other day, a woman came in and announced that she had married and wanted her name changed on the database. I went ahead and did that on my system and the payroll officer did the same on hers. Later, my supervisor chastized me because I had changed her name without seeing her marriage certificate. I know that it can take a few days to get a copy, but I should have waited. However, it being a full moon on Friday, or close to it, I wasn't a good little doobie; when my supervisor told me she had changed her name back to her maiden name I got a bit pissed off and said "I doubt she'd lie about it [getting married]" in kind of an exasperated tone. My supervisor repeated that I should always wait for documentation and I said "OK" and definitely sounded annoyed.
Sure enough, she called me into her office seconds later and told me she didn't think she deserved to be spoken to the way I'd spoken to her.
I wanted to say, "I don't deserve to be treated like a four year old or have your instructions repeated to me over and over again in the space of 5 minutes because you think I'm too stupid to understand them.
When my colleague and I are going to be the only ones in the office, I don't need you to tell me that she and I should not go to lunch at the same time.
I don't deserve to have you change the title of the job I was promoted to from "Human Resources Specialist" to "Human Resources Support Specialist" so that you can try to reinforce my status as subordinate.
I don't deserve to be referred to as "clerical help". I don't deserve to be told that I'm expendable - even if I am.
I don't deserve to help you keep the HR unit functioning for almost two years without an administrator or a second HR Assistant and then fill in as payroll officer for three months - and finally get a "Rewards and Recognition Note" for transferring three drawers worth of files into a new file cabinet, like that's my supreme accomplishment. I don't deserve to be micromanaged, second guessed and put down."
Of course I did not tell her those things, if only because the new payroll officer and one of her many visiting friends could have been listening at the door, relishing the prosepect of my professional demise.
But I did not take back what I said, and I did not apologize - then - because at the time it would have been a lie and as low as I go I was not ready to grovel. I just said "I understand what you're saying" and I left.
I sent her an email later, apologizing to her. Believe it or not she is a very nice woman, if somewhat mentally pot-bound. So far she has not given me the gift of her forgiveness.
This is why I am trying to go back to school this fall to get my M.S. in Accounting (if they ever stop verifying my financial aid); because I want a job where I practice a skill that is valuable and I don't have to enable anyone's micromanagement psychosis.
Did I mention that my supervisor is M.O. and decided that WLS just wasn't for her? Do you think she may have issues about the fact that I had WLS and am now getting thinner? I don't know. She never appears insecure or ever has emotional flare-ups the way I do.
There are way too many chiefs in my office.
P.S. It turns out my supervisor didn't like it that I emailed her saying I was sorry -and I shouldn't have done it because I really wasn't sorry. You always pay for hypocrisy. My supervisor wanted me to come into her office and apologize to her face. So she thinks I am a coward for emailing her and she sent me a cyber slam, warning me that any further incidents of disrespectful behavior will be answered with a letter of concern or a letter or warning, "depending on the severity of the offense" and that she had told me about the importance of waiting for the proper paperwork before instituting any name changes - thereby implying that I had been insubordinate. I wrote her back telling her that a write up really wouldn't be necessary because I understood my mistake and that it would not happen again. Everything looks OK on the surface but inside, I am all done with this place.
July 31, 2006
Life is just upside down. I am stalled out at 207, I could just cry; maybe this is all the weight I am going to lose. I am stuck in PMS hell - it's no good.
I am leaving the employer I've been with for almost six years (New Hampshire state government) to take a job as HR/Payroll Assistant in the private sector. I never thought it would happen because I really didn't think I'd get the job, even though the interview went really well. More than a week had gone by and I was just waiting for the rejection letter to come, and then I got a phone call at work from my husband. "Congratulations" he starts. I thought I'd won Publishers' Clearing House and I waited for him to tell me about my prizes. "You got the job, " he said.
Really, I thought I was going to go into shock. I am not used to good things happening to me, and I had been trying to either endure or escape from my old job for so long (without success) that I really thought I was there to stay. I went out to my car and called the payroll administrator on my cell phone and accepted the position. I was so scared. My last day at my soon to be former job is August 11. I can't believe this is happening. I will miss the people at my agency so much - but there was really nowhere else I could advance in the HR Unit there and it was starting to get me down. I didn't realize how demoralized I felt there until I got a chance to work somewhere else. I feel really different now and I am excited to learn a new job and new skills.
Love,
Anne
August 6, 2006
Hi, everybody,
I am so glad that OH exists and I have a chance to talk to people who'll understand. Life is so different and yet there are some things that feel exactly the same.
This week will be my last week at the state government agency I've worked for for almost 6 years. I am really excited about working in what state employees refer to as "the private sector" but I am so not dealing with the sadness of saying goodbye to a lot of wonderful friends. Scott (my husband) always says "how can they be friends, you just work with them and you'll never see them again once you leave", but in this case I think Scott is off-base. I have only told a couple of people I am leaving; my supervisor has told more people than I have.
There are so many emotions building up, and it doesn't help that I have been stuck in PMS mode for weeks - maybe menopause has finally arrived - and I feel psychotic anyway. I feel really irritable and angry almost all the time. I used to be a really sweet person but I am watching myself turn into a total bitch and the worst thing is, I really don't want to turn back.
I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm scared.
My husband had artheroscopic knee surgery last week and we got into a fight last night because I got tired of hopping up and down and getting him every little thing. Sometimes I think that I am not in love with him anymore. I get tired of him saying that he is smarter than me and picking apart everything I do because it's not the way he would do it.
I have forgotten what it feels like to see a guy and get weak in the knees. I used to be able to daydream about love and passion, but I don't even yearn for it anymore. I'm sad.
Losing this much weight is a very intense experience and at the same time it feels like nothing is happening. I don't know if I am just trying to distance myself from all the changes and have numbed myself out, or what. My pouch is healing and I can eat a lot more different kinds of food, but there are still limits. I have gone from a size 26 to a size 18/20 and I have lost 74 pounds since I made the decision to have WLS almost a year ago - 46 pounds pre-op and 28 pounds post op (surgery date was 5/30/2006). My body looks different, I move differently and enjoy all the extra room around me and the extra energy I have.
But there is so much I don't have a handle on yet. Please pray that God's grace shines on me.
Thank you and love,
Anne
August 7, 2006
It is too hard to say goodbye to all the people I love at my soon-to-be former job. The woman who held the job before me sent out an agency-wide email saying goodbye, but she didn't do it until a couple of hours before she left. If I do that and people come up, I will start to cry and I am scared I will not be able to stop; if I don' t do anything and just disappear, I will be missing out on something painful but inordinately precious.
So, instead, I am over spending, eating the wrong food (stay away from lobster salad, it'll kill ya) and generally not dealing with things well. I do pray, though, when I wake up in the middle of the night.
I may have - occasionally - been a smart ass insubordinate but I really did a good job for the employees I worked for, and nobody can say that isn't true. Maybe I was too attached to the people I've served the past 5 years, I don't know, but I took good care of them and they knew if they needed help that I would do my best to help them.
The nicest things people said about me at this job was one supervisor who questioned why HR needed to hire another HR Assistant when I had been doing both HR Assistant jobs very competently for months. The other nicest thing was told to me by an HR Assistant at the central personnel department, and that was that I have a kind heart. Maybe that's why leaving hurts so much.
Love,
Anne
August 8, 2006
I tried to avoid saying goodbye but realized it would just be hurting myself, and the people I feel so much affection for, so I sent out an email at lunch with the subject line "See you" because I can't bear to say goodbye, telling folks that I was leaving.
For the next half hour my Inbox lit up with notes from so many of our 500 + employees wishing me luck, thanking me for my help, telling me how much they enjoyed working with me and how they'd miss me. I could not stop crying. I was so humbled to be so blessed by God, to receive so much love and to have the strength to feel it instead of running away. I feel much calmer about starting my new job now that I have faced the truth of leaving this one.
Emails continued to arrive all afternoon, and some people called me or came to visit me. I am not religious but I believe in God and hope that (S)He blesses all of you.
Love,
Anne
August 21, 2006
Hi,
I have been at my new job for a week and really like it - it's definitely very different from working for the state, but that's OK.
I am losing weight slowly; I'm at 201 right now and am hoping to get to Onederland sometime before Christmas, LOL. My body is really changing, though. I was at Lane Bryant yesterday redeeming the gift card my office buddies from my old job gave me and was trying on a slightly fitted plum rayon blazer and walking around in my size 18/20 stretch bootcut jeans, and my husband walked right by me. He said he hadn't recognized me...freak out!
Love,
Anne
September 17, 2006
Hi, everyone,
I weigh 194 now and my body looks really different - according to everyone besides me - supposedly totally reproportioned. It's hard for me to see it because I check myself out all the time and weigh myself probably more frequently than I should.
Before I started my WLS pilgrimage I weighed 278 and wore at least a 26/28 - I was scared I wasn't going to be able to fit into anything at Lane Bryant anymore. Now I wear a size 20P pant and 16/18 top - I do not like being a pear!
I bought a very no-frills Gazelle at Wal-Mart and work out on it for 30 minutes 3 - 4 times a week. I posted about what exercise machine I should get and got a post from an emergency room nurse saying I should just walk. Unfortunately we have two puppies who would beg to come with me and who still have a bad habit of running out into the street, and the street we live on has no sidewalks and is very pedestrian unfriendly. I get half an hour for lunch, which I suppose I could devote to walking, but I would actually like to eat lunch in there somewhere. So, although I have the utmost respect for nurses - my sister is a pre-op nurse - this is one of the few times I won't take one's advice.
I have graduated from the diet phases but I am still cautious; many things disagree with me. I eat a very conservative breakfast and lunch during the week because I can't afford to be stricken with stomach problems or exhaustion at work. It's a relatively new job - I've been there for 5 weeks - and very exciting. I love it. I am also going to Walden University online for my MBA, so my days and evenings are very full.
My husband has struggled with his weight his whole life and is now starting the WLS journey himself. He is starting his pre-op weight loss and is frustrated because the weight is not dropping as quickly as he'd like. He has taken up golf and is already addicted to it. I am so thrilled that he is taking steps to improve his health; he has a few health issues that are definitely attributable to his weight and I worry about him.
The biggest Wow moments have come from my husband, Scott. He was looking for me in Lane Bryant a few weeks ago and realized I had walked right by him and he hadn't recognized me! He often tells me how much better I look - he has been incredibly supportive and I am so glad we are in this together.
My friend Deb Rule has signed up for jazz and hip-hop dance classes. I used to do jazz dance, until I got too big to do some of the moves anymore. Now I am thinking about taking the hip-hop class with her.
With love,
Anne
December 1, 2006
Hi, OH family,
God, it feels like forever since I have written here. Life is crazy. If I hadn't gotten an email from OH asking me how I was doing 6 months after WLS I don't know if I would have realized it.
I am not losing weight very quickly but my body has totally reformed itself and I look really, really different - yes, in a good way.
I am working towards my MBA in Managerial Accounting. It is an online program and is extremely time-consuming and exhausting. I am also four months into my new job, almost through the probationary period, convinced I am going to get the axe. The private sector is a lot different from state government. Even though I didn't like my supervisor at the state much, I loved everyone else and really miss the friendliness, the laid back atmosphere and the feeling of family.
The place I work now, although more formal and high-pressure, has wonderful, loving people, too. I am really shy, all of a sudden, and am having problems reaching out and connecting. I used to work in an office with an open floor plan and a steady influx of employees and other visitors. Now I work in a cubicle and I feel very isolated.
I am hooked on going to school because of the financial aid disbursements I get quarterly. I am doing really well in school but sometimes I wonder what it's all for, or if my life is headed in the direction I want it to.
Because I changed jobs I changed groups with Cigna and have been having a hard time getting bariatric claims approved. The whole process has been extremely stressful; my new employer has a bariatric benefit but I have to call Cigna to remind them of that fact every time I have an appointment or lab work done.
I do not practice good dietary habits. I still have all the hang-ups around food that I had when I weighed 98 pounds more than I do now; I just can't act out as much because my stomach is smaller.
I am buying lots of clothes and seem to be dropping sizes very quickly, if not pounds.
If you read my profile, I encourage you not to follow any of my advice, because I feel pretty f--ed up right now.
My love to you all. Good luck.
Anne
After the informational meeting I attended in August I waited 2 months for my intake appointment. I have been checking out the OH site almost every day, just to remind myself that yes, I will be having WLS, and yes, I should stay motivated. My intake appointment was yesterday and it went great - the only disappointment is that because of my insurance I have to have six months of supervised/documented weight loss before I can get approved, so I won't have surgery until March or April of 2006. Still, having surgery in the spring is easier than slogging down the snowy interstate in New Hampshire and I am hoping we will be settled in our new house by then too.
Hi, I know it has been awhile. We have moved from our apartment to our first home, a very funky, slightly quirky ranch in Penacook. Whoever thinks that homeowners have to be rich is hereby pronounced crazy. We are broker than we have ever been, to the point where I have to comb the cupboards to find something creative - translate, desperate - to make for our next meal and I sometimes steal change from the coffee fund at the office so I can buy a soda. I feel so deprived (being a compulsive shopper substituted for compulsive eating and now I can't do it) I am feeling pretty mental and feel hungry all the time. I know that it is head hunger but it is so powerful. I had lost 32 pounds since attending my first information session at CMC but now I have gained back two and I feel so scared. I know that 2 pounds doesn't feel like a lot but this is a slippery slope and I've been down it before. The only thing that feels worse than being fat is losing weight and then seeing it slowly creep back...
I still have 3 (or 4) months of the "supervised weight loss experience" to go before I can even start thinking about surgery, and WLS seems very far away, very unreal. When I was losing weight - which seemed so effortless and steady just a few short weeks ago - I found myself thinking that I didn't need this surgery. Hell, I've lost 100 pounds dozens of times before LOL what's one more time?! Now that every day starts with the best of intentions, eating-wise, and ends in despair, I realize that I do need this surgery but at the same time I am terrified of the lifestyle changes it will involve and I don't know if I have what it takes. As far as "nothing tasting as good as thin feels" I say bulsh--, I can think of a number of things: tiramisu, filet mignon, raspberry pie, crab rangoons, dark chocolate...I pray for God to help me: stop binge eating, get out of debt, get money, stop feeling anxious, stop secretly watching QVC, stop spending every last dime on "easy pay" orders. I pray for God to help me grow up already, and stop being a materialistic escapist, I pray to learn contentment, to remember that the best things in life are free. I pray to be frugal like my husband, to be hardworking and disciplined like my husband. I feel like I am losing the battle with stress. I go to work where I have been filling in for the payroll officer who got tired of being micromanaged and quit. I have been learning the job as I go along; there is still alot of stuff I don't know how to do but so far everyone has been getting paid the right amount and no one is complaining. I wish I could just get hired to do the job but I did not pass the proficiency exam so I was disqualified as a candidate but I am still doing the job "fill in" and have done it for 6 weeks. You know, not good enough to marry, just good enough to f---. Sorry about the ranting, nothing is getting better. I understand the saying "poverty is violence" because I feel like I have been being beaten up continuously for a couple of months now and it hurts. Maybe we will run out of food and I will be able to lose weight again. Please, if you care to send energy my way, skip the "quit whining" routines and pray for me. Maybe God will listen to you.
Hi, everybody,
Well, we are still broker than sh--, have had a few more arguments, etc. etc. My Dad fell and broke two bones in his ankle and has been in a nursing home for the past two weeks (after being discharged from rehab. center at the hospital). He is kind of freaked out about being in a home and can't wait to be discharged so he can come home. He is a lot more optimistic about his future than my Mom, who is terrified of what the future holds as they approach their 80s. She is in remission from bladder cancer and has an appointment with the oncologist for a follow up this Friday and she is so scared. I am traveling from NH to DC on Thursday so that she doesn't have to go to her appointment alone. This is not such a huge sacrifice for me because I need to get away from my job for a few days - it is difficult having to watch someone else do the work I loved (especially because she is a little bossy) on top of responding to one change after another.
Somehow, my husband and I are managing to stay together (knock on wood) through all this. Did I tell you I am going through menopause and hormonally I feel crazier than I did in puberty (and that was pretty bad)? So we have had a few awful fights and I am plagued with almost constant anxiety attacks. It's a good thing that he is so sweet....I don't know how we'd make it, otherwise.
The only other good news is that I have completed my 6-month supervised weight loss/diet/exercise program and have a date to consult with my surgeon! April 17th - Scott is coming with me as my support person. Wish me luck, OK? Love, Anne
Hi,
I have an appointment with Connie Campbell, my surgeon, scheduled for April 17th. I weighed 278 when I started the six month supervised weight loss program that Cigna for State of New Hampshire requires and now I weigh between 236 and 238, depending on how good or bad I have been. I am excited and scared at the same time.
You know that I have been really, really depressed about not being able to pass the Division of Personnel's proficiency exam for Payroll Officer I and watching someone else get hired for the job I was actually doing. I was going to give up but someone from Personnel persuaded me to come in and look at my test results to see where I went wrong. So I went and found out I had read too much into the instructions and that the test was actually very easy, you just apply instructions for specific tasks to only those tasks and nowhere else. When you see your test results you have to wait 30 days to take the test again, so I waited the required amount of time and took the test and I got a 98.1 out of 100. I let out yell at my desk when I got the results, and my boss thought I was having a stroke because my face got all red (or was it because I am fat?!) because I was so happy. Even though I didn't get the job, I finally passed that test, because I kept on trying, and because someone believed I could do it. Too bad the person who had faith in me wasn't my boss, but I am on the register now, and will be considered for other payroll positions. Hopefully another position in the state system will open up.
I went to the OH "webinar" about possible complications of RNY which was informative if a bit frightening. But I know what questions to ask my surgeon at the consult appointment.
Love,
Anne
April 10, 2006
I HAVE A DATE!!! JUNE 20, 2006 - JOY!!!!!
Wow, Scott and I just got back from the consult with Connie Campbell and my date has been advanced from June 20 to May 30. Shock and awe...I know I should be doing crunches so my core is strong for surgery but my overriding impulse is to pray and meditate to visualize a successful, safe surgery and quick, healthy recovery.
Hi, again,
It is finally spring in New Hampshire and it is so beautiful it is painful; I have been thinking about how sweet and precious life is and how wonderful it will be to truly appreciate every part of it, instead of being obsessed with food. Please don't think I am so dumb that I think one stroke of the scalpel will just make it happen automatically - I know that this is the furthest thing from the truth. I realize that due to months of reading the posts on this wonderful site, reading Carnie Wilson's books; as well as two other ones - "Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies" and "Exodus from Obesity"; and a lot of prayer, that I have actually been feeling a bit detached from food. Maybe it is because I had to have a colonoscopy (what a nice 50th birthday present) and couldn't eat for almost 2 days. I originally thought I was going to perish from hunger but I really didn't miss it very much. I tried to think of it as a vacation for my overworked digestive tract, imagined that I had paid for it as a "spa service" (hah) and actually enjoyed increased mental clarity for a few days, with minimal loss of energy. The only cautionary note was that after 18 hours without caffeine I had a splitting headache by the time I got to the endoscopy suite. Well, food is back, caffeine, too; but I haven't taken Advil or Aleve again and I am going to stick with non-ibuprofen, non-naproxyn from now on so I can say I've made one adjustment in preparation for WLS.
My counselor at our Employee Assistance Program is freaking out that my mind will not be able to catch up with my rapidly shrinking body once I have WLS. Hey, I am inclined to agree with her, so to that end, I am enrolling in a support program at the (only) nearby center for eating disorders. It involves sessions with a therapist, a nutritionist and group meetings. I feel very fortunate (and guilty as hell) that insurance covers it because the center is an in-network provider and all I have to shell out is a small co-pay. She has also hooked me up with someone who had WLS and who is eating her way around it and regaining weight. She actually lives near me and is coming over this weekend to give me some more information and some other web sites. She sounds really nice but she is treating me like I don't know anything about WLS at all, and that always bugs the s--- out of me. I try to tell myself that for all my intellectual knowledge that this woman may very well be right; I may be incrediby naive and have no "gut" (sorry about that) knowledge of the reality of WLS. I don't know if I ever will until I go through it.
So this is what I do: pray. At any available opportunity - and especially when I wake up in the middle of the night. I visualize myself having a successful surgery and a fast and easy recovery. Then I pray some more. About two weeks ago, it popped into my head to just turn this all over to God and let Him take care of it, and since then I have felt so peaceful.
There are only certain things I think about that make me sad, and that is the thought that I may die during/after surgery -especially because my husband will have to tell my Mom. My Mom is so set against WLS that I haven't told her I am having it. I wish I could but she reacts so violently when I even bring up the subject the way I would any other social issue that I cannot tell her that I am going to have it myself. I would be so sad if she and my Dad (both age 78) outlived me - she is so scared of bad things happening that she has distorted her whole life in an attempt to keep everything safe. I know it doesn't work, but she thinks it does.
I have urged my husband, Scott, to check out this site - just to see the huge changes people and their families go through, so that he realizes what an enormous deal this is going to be. Scotty, I pray that you will. I don't know how you can act like such a jerk and still be the sweetest, most dependable man on earth, but you are, and I love you so much. Just know this, no matter what happens to me: love is stronger than any force in the universe, and love is stronger than death. I will always love you, no matter what, and if I end up in the spirit world and I catch you burying your sorrow (or whatever) in another woman, I will probably get really pissed off...but in the end I will want you to be happy.
Dearest Mommy,
If you read this because I died and you are looking for a message from me, I just want you to know how very, very much I love you. I always have and I always will. Thank you for giving me life. I did not mean to squander it by having this surgery; I want so much to live a long, healthy life and be there for you and Daddy for a long, long time. I will always worry about you and take care of you in any way that I can.
Oh f---, now I am crying. I had to leave messages somewhere. Hopefully, God will decide that I am way too spoiled and obnoxious to have in heaven and let me continue to be humbled by life on earth.
Love,
Anne
Hi,
So much for the peacefulness. It seems like as soon as I set my goal "to attain optimum physical and emotional condition for surgery" life kind of set another agenda. There has been terrible flooding in New Hampshire and just as we were beginning to think that we had escaped unscathed, the rising water table forced open a crack in our basement floor and water started oozing in and got worse and worse until it was ankle deep, destroying the carpets in the finished part of the basement and filling the unfinished part with fusty, burning water. My husband stayed up day and night trying to stem the tide, spending money he'd reserved for bills on any sump pump he could find and an industrial size wet vac with pump. He is a student and he does not have a 9 - 5 job that requires his regular attendance - although it is important to mention that he works extremely hard at keeping our money pit of a house from collapsing under its weight of structural and electrical problems and earning his bachelor's degree in behavioral science.
I work 9 - 5 and am usually pretty exhausted when I get home and when he told me I would have to stay up late to man the pumps or run the vacuum I got pretty overwhelmed and refused. This was probably the wrong thing to do. He is now sick with exhaustion and I am so worried he will not take care of himself and get better.
Well, adding onto this, Scott is feeling a bit better. It's a feat of diplomatic relations when a hardworking New England lad is married to a suburban princess/diva/spoiled brat. Our marriage is always a work in process.
I am a bit numb with fear that surgery is approaching so quickly. I went to my pre-op appointment at CMC yesterday; had a chest X-ray and met with the anaesthesiologist. Every one at the hospital is so nice - the nurse gave me a big hug as I left and told me not to be afraid and that everything is going to be fine. I made out my living will and durable power of attorney - you feel a bit vulnerable putting your life in the hands of someone you have periodic screaming matches with (DH), but really he cares about me more than my blood family and certainly knows me better than anyone else in my life.
We were taking our golden retriever puppies to obedience class last night - Maya, 9 months is enrolled and Nitro, 8 weeks, was observing from his nest in the child seat part of the shopping cart. While Maya tried her best to be a good student, I was watching Nitro slowly fall asleep in the cart. I was stroking his little baby puppy face, listening to him snuffling away, and I thought "I sure hope I live to see him grow up." God, that made me sad. I have never had surgery before and I am scared of not waking up or waking up in uncontrollable pain, or that my husband will get hurt or sick while I am stuck in the hospital. I am quite a control freak and this is a situation where I envision myself as quite helpless. I still feel kind of removed from the reality of being operated on because I am still at work, still eating, etc. but on Monday, May 29 - let alone the day itself - I am afraid of the fear itself. All I can say to myself is "onwards" and think about what awesome drugs they'll be giving me.
Please wish me good luck,
Love,
Anne
Hi, everybody,
I knew I was too much of a b---- to die, here I am, on the other side of surgery and going through the proverbial emotional wringer that is life without eating.
Going to surgery kind of felt like going back to the very beginning of my life; I entered the world in the hospital and I had this feeling that going to the hospital was how I was going to exit. Don't ask me why, it kind of felt like the reverse of being born, crawling back up into my own body and disappearing.
I thought I would be freaking out about "life on the outside". What if I had a fight with my husband? How would I be able to bear being apart from him knowing that things were screwed up between us? You end up getting really, really detached - good drugs, possibly - also I was lucky because Scott was da man and was really there for me.
This was so huge that it will take several entries - besides, QVC has a fashion show on. More later. Love.
Later that same night.....
I am trying to get down the rest of my protein shake while I'm doing this, so excuse any cyber-puking.
Surgery was OK. I didn't get scared, really, because I was so disconnected from my feelings. When the anesthesiologist came into pre-surgery and tried, fruitlessly, to insert an IV in my arm and started in on the back of my hand, I started crying a little, but everything felt so suspended, I almost felt like I was acting. Scott started stroking the back of my other hand and I remembered thinking "if only you would be this way with me all the time".
In the middle of the room was a big clock suspended from the ceiling, I think it was a cube with clock faces on all four sides. I remembered that it was getting close to 7:30 am and the nurses were waiting on my surgeon to get there...how f---g perfect, my surgeon forgets to show up to my operation. But then she was there and I realized it was really going to happen. I told her I was a bit scared of going into the operating room and seeing all the instruments they were going to use, and I was scared of going under the anesthetic. She was really sweet, she must have told the nurse to pump up the versed (versid? excuse spelling) because I didn't have to say goodbye to Scott. The last thing I remembered was being in pre-op with him and the next thing I remembered was looking up at the same clock only now it said 11:00 am and it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I remember telling the nurse about it and then the next thing I knew I was in my room and Scott was sitting there, smiling at me. It was the sweetest moment I had experienced in awhile....probably one of the last
