KimD.

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Well I think WLS and Menopause are vying for who gets to control my emotions. I can cry or laugh at the drop of a hat.
What gets me is that I go through periods where I am so happy at the weight I have lost and then I hit a wall where I am crying over why I haven't lost more. Maybe Dr. Schram didn't cause enough malabsorption when he did the surgery??? Maybe he should have used up more of my small intestines as a conduit and took it out of the absorptive process. Then again maybe I should be happy that the weight is coming off slowly because be all reports that is the kind of weight that stays off.  BUT what if I stop losing before I get to goal? What if I stay fat forever because as the doc says I have NO metabolism naturally. I would be the person that survived a famine! Like who wants to survive a famine??? I am impatient I know. I am so happy to have finally topped 60 pounds as that was always kind of a goal for real weight loss to me. If you can lose 60 pounds that is REAL weight loss.  I have hit many other little goals too. I am no longer the heaviest person in the family, I'm not even 2nd.  I can hardly wait to be 4th heaviest because that will mean that all the men in the family are heavier than me. I can sit with my legs crossed which still thrills me. That's because my gut is not as big an obstacle as it used to be. I can do things with my hubby that didn't used to be possible and I'll let your imaginations run with that. I'm not providing details. I have finally bought myself a size 18  pair of jeans. That is the first normal size I have bought in years. (Normal is a size you can buy in any store. Not a size people normally wear. ) I want to get down a little more to really claim the normal store shopping prize though because I am just at the beginning of size 18. However my mom picked me up some undies and things in Florida and the size 18/20 are bordering on too big.  I am being told by coworkers that my uniforms look like sacks and as I have been promoted to Head Nurse on my floor they think I should look more professional.  They are not being mean about it, I think they are excited for me and enjoying my success. Everyday someone says they think I am smaller than the last time they worked with me. I get a lot of positive feedback.
I wish mt shape would change though. I know it's smaller but it's still the same shape. I definitely have a bit of dysmorphia.  I want to feel little.  And I would like to start being a little more active with exercising but all this darned SNOW is holding me back. I'm thinking an exercise video may be in order. Maybe that will kick up the weight loss too. Wish me luck!!!

January 5,2009          I can't believe how happy I am. I can't believe how good I feel. Every day I feel like I am carrying around a foreign body.  This body does things I haven't been able to do in a long time. I sit with my legs crossed. That to me is huge as I was always embarrassed that I couldn't sit like a lady. My legs were forced apart by fat.  I hope I always remember that humiliation. I hope that I remember all the things I hate about myself as a fat person so that I never allow myself to cross the line again.  I am embarrassed by the attention I am getting and thrilled at the same time. I want to look great every time I walk out the door. Hair done, earrings in, lipstick applied etc. It's hard to look good when your clothes all appear to be saggy potato sacks wrapped around you.
Still it's wonderful to walk by a skinny store and know that within a few months I will be shopping in there.  I love that my weight loss is attracting people to me and that I can tell them about why I am looking so much healthier.  I am like a religious zealot who is trying to convert everyone.
I wish that I had known about this earlier. I wish that it was more readily available in Canada and I wish that every obese person could have this surgery.

On a different note I hardly ever vomit now. The only food that doesn't sit well is a soft slice of bread or dry meat.  I am not taking in any sugar and I am no longer taking any insulin at all. No BP meds and no Cholesterol meds. All my labs came out well and me and my doc are both happy with my progress. 58 pounds today.
Life is better than good.

Well I am down 41.2 pounds and I guess that is okay. I really expected more weight loss in this period and I am having a hard time adjusting my hopes and dreams with my reality. I had heard many people talk of extreme weight losses and losing 2 or 3 pounds in a day or being able to get different readings showing weight loss from morning till night. I am not so lucky. I have only lost 12 pounds so far this month and November is almost over. Yes I am still happy with 41 pounds but I don't eat more than your average toddler and I feel like I should be losing more. Holy Cow! If this is what it takes for me to lose a fraction of what I need to lose, well, it's no wonder I didn't lose it prior to the surgery. I have no metabolism at all and I wish that I could improve my circumstances with some good exercize but that is nearing impossible with the back injury I have. So the weight I am losing is coming off simply because of my decreased intake but I am sure if I could exersize more it would look better on the scale. I know that a steady weight loss is better than a gain and believe me I still feel that this was the right decision to make but I am scared that the weight will stop coming off sooner because it is so slow. I want to loss alll of my excess not just a portion of it and every day I think, "Well all I can do is wait and see. God willing it will all come off eventually." 

I feel sooooo good. I am excited but I have not had a really easy time of it. Nothing too significant really just a lot of little things. First I had a bleed during surgery because old scars caused problems with the scopes and the Doc had to do a lot of heavy manipulation around my liver and other parts. Second I was taking Vicodan and didn't realize it's actually Oxycontin and so I am sensitive to oxy and when I finally figured that out I really started to feel better. Third I allowed my idiot self to get dehydrated and nearly pooched over on the stairs in a faint trying to get to my bed. My hubby knew there was a problem and was purposely following me up the stairs so he helped me to bed and got me some water. One 500ml bottle of H2O was all it took to start me back on the road to normalcy. However, I do have a phlebitis in my IV site so today I start on antibiotics. Like I said nothing major just a bunch of little stuff that is kind of getting in the way of my being 100% joyous.
Needless to say sometimes it's a bit frustrating but man oh man is that scale ever movin'!!! In one week 11.2 pounds for a total of 18.2 pounds lost. Today I wore jeans that I haven't put on in a year. To me this whole process is already worth it.

Wednesday is my PATS. Tomorrow my husband and I and a friend are heading to Ypsilanti. My friend is going for her consult. I feel like something is actually happening and I am moving forward. I can hardly wait to learn everything I am going to learn.  14 days to go and September 23rd can't get here fast enough. My consult was just July 1st and I feel like I have been planning this forever.

Holy cow. One month from today!! This is it I can now say it's less than a month. I talk about it to the girls I work with.  I am a nurse and so I get some really great questions. Things that cause me to research and know what I'm talking about. It's fun though. The Nutritionist I work with is giving me information and a sample of flavorless protein powder. I am really getting a lot of support and so far only one person  is very negative about it.  One girl did say, "I can't believe you are so excited, we have only known each other a little while and I think I am more afraid for you than you are."  You know what I think about that???  I'm on a road straight to the funeral parlour as it is.  Worry about me now and not when I'm giving myself a real fighting chance of a healthy life but thank you for caring.
I can hardly wait for ONE MONTH FROM TODAY!!!

Yup, I'm keeping up with the countdown. I can only think of a few things in life I have looked forward to as much as this.  A new life and hopefully the one I've been dreaming of.  I'm sure things won't change all that dramatically on the outside, my kids and family will still love me just the same and my husband who married me like this and still found me attractive, well, he'll still find me attractive then too but I'm hoping I will find me attractive.  Inside is where the big change will happen. I am hoping this will give me the self-confidence I've never had before. I always feel like the odd man out.  I was talking to my family the other day and my sister-in-law said that maybe I would go shopping with her and my mom after this. I said I sure would and she said,"Now you'll be able to keep up with us!".  I thought, Wow, what a misconception. I always could keep up with them. The problem was that they were shopping in stores for people who wear a size 6!!! What the hell would I want to shop there for?  Why would I want to drag around after them looking at things that did not apply to me? What fun is there in that?  It's funny how people can know you so well and not know what's really going on inside.  That's one of the reasons I enjoy the coffee group so much. Those girls are like me. They understand like others can't.  You can't even talk to normal people about it because you know in the back of their minds they are just thinking,Why don't you just lose the weight?? I'm glad I'm almost finished with this and I'm glad I have new friends who do understand.

I think the title says it all. How on earth am I supposed to wait 57 days? It's like moving to a new house. As soon as you know you're moving , you start to hate the old house and everything is wrong with it.  Funny thing is that I am trying to behave and maybe take off a couple of pounds and my rings are starting to spin and now I'm thinking how  do I overcome that?  I don't want to take my rings off. I like them (and what came with them).  I guess I'll have to come up with a solution to that problem eventually.  In the meantime I'm daydreaming my way through catologues and flyers.  Hmmm that will look good on me this time next year...........

Okay, I am calmer now. At least I have my date and can count down.  It's amazing how many people know someone who has made this decision and is either going through the process or has just had it. Makes me wonder why Canadians have to cross the border to get treatment when obviously so many would like the treatment closer to home.
I did get some disappointing news from a friend. She wants this surgery so bad and really has health issues you would think make her a priority surgical candidate and her doctor refused to sign the forms. Said she was just depressed and this was a knee-jerk reaction and she would have to think about it for a few months and then come back to see him. He said they could talk about it then after he had a chance to do some research.  Man is crazy and doesn't really care about his patient.
My family doctor is young and enthusiastic and I just love her and am so happy to have a doc that I can get along with so well. Also, I am and RN and she gives me credit for having half a brain. She actually listens to me. Gotta appreciate that.
Word is out to the rest of my family now too and I have huge support from everyone.  My cousin has just finshed getting a few tests done and it looks like she has satisfied OHIP so they are approving her too and Barix has said they will try to schedule us at the same time.  Too convenient when we are travelling from 6 hours away. I hope it all works out well for Deb too.

Yes thank God and Janessa, I finally got my surgical date. All the way at the end of September but at least now I know and I can start the countdown. I want it so badly but I don't want the summer to be over that fast so I will have to count slowly.   I hope that I have the same kind of success I am seeing others have but I fear my own self-distructiveness. I also hope the energy I feel brewing inside comes screaming out when I am not hauling such a heavy load.  It's funny that since I joined this site I am excited by just updating my information.  I could hardly wait to get to the computer when I got home.  My pre-op is booked for September 10th. It kind of feels like a tease but I guess it will help to make the whole thing feel more real. Right now it seems like another fantasy.  The one thing I can say for sure is that just knowing it really is going to happen allows me something I haven't felt in years......hope.