It's Time To Get Serious...

Jul 17, 2009

Hey everybody...

Wow! I'm not sure what I'm feeling these days, but there certainly is a range of emotions like never before in my life. Today's Friday, July 17, 2009 and I feel like it's time to introduce myself to you folks out there and reintroduce myself to me. Sounds weird, but as a writer I know the importance of writing what one is feeling in order to weed out and find the REAL truth.

WTF is the truth? Well, I'm wondering what my life will be like without my secret pal...food??? Okay, let’s keep it real…at this weight there ain’t no way that my ‘pal’ is a secret!!! But I had no idea how much I depended on food and how much of my life was centered around it and consumed by it! There's no doubt about it that the decision to have WLS should require a psychological analysis because your head certainly takes you through some major stuff before (and I'm sure after) surgery.  I don't even want to talk to anybody about it because I think I'm ashamed.

My sweet hubby Norman is always saying "Angel, (yes, he calls me Angel) you really don't eat much...I don't see how you could have gained weight." What a doll...a clueless, love-struck doll, huh? What Norman and others don't realize is that I DO eat, and pick and pick and pick and pick and then sit on my behind (hanging belly and all) instead of exercising! Did I mention I’m a writer? Sorry, that had become my excuse for about a year, but no more! I gained weight because I eat. That's why I've gained weight. It’s not my thyroid meds, or my diabetes meds, or my high blood pressure meds, but it’s me oh Lord! It took a long time to admit that, but it’s the truth.
 

My highest weight was 299lbs. a week and a half ago at my surgeon's office. I almost passed out. This time I let my husband see the scale and still he reassured me..."don't worry Angel, you're doing this surgery and then you'll start exercising and things will get better..." He winked at me and smiled and all I wanted to do was cry. One because I couldn't believe I was so friggin' fat and two because he really loves me and always has.  Let me give y’all some background… 

My husband was my first boyfriend and we dated 34 years ago, I was 16, he was 21. Today I’m 50 and he’s 55!!! We broke up and married other people years later, got divorced, started dating again in 1996 and got married in 1999. One day when I really feel like writing I'll tell the WHOLE story...it's a good one. But I digress...back to the surgeon's office. I almost felt good even though I had gained 4lbs. since my previous visit because my surgery date seemed within reach. They asked me to sit in the waiting room and said that someone would be out to assist me in finalizing everything.

I thought to myself, "finalize everything...yikes! This is it!! What am I doing?? I've allowed myself to get soooooo big now I have to sit here and make a date with a stranger to slice me open (actually to poke holes in me) and chop off half of my stretched out belly!" I could feel myself freaking out, but I held on and sat there with my hubby. The admin for my surgeon popped up almost silently sliding her lil' teenie-weenie hips beside my great big ones smiling. "Hi Mrs. Lucas, (almost singing) sooooooo, what date do you want to schedule your surgery for???" Then it happened...my head started spinning, my throat tightened up and the room seemed to start getting dark..."huh?" I asked, "Oh yeah, the date..." She hands me a calendar and I hear myself say, "How about August 10th?" She circled the date and starts shuffling paperwork around asking me to sign this and initial that and read the instructions for pre-op and have my PCP do up some blood work, an EKG and chest xray, and have that faxed back to her, and call the nurse and register the Friday before surgery... Everything seemed muffled, but I think I got it all in. My surgery date was set and I was about to take on the greatest ride of my life. I smiled at my husband - who was sitting directly across from me in the waiting area - and took the paperwork and we left the office. “I've got a date with a surgeon.” was all I could say...

My surgery was becoming consuming. I tried desperately to open myself up to other things that were going on in my life, but every thought and everything else came after the surgery. That weekend I had a rehearsal on Friday evening I'm a singer too) at 8pm, had to sing Praise & Worship on Saturday morning at 9am, a bridal shower to attend that afternoon at 5pm, and service to attend Sunday morning at 11, an afternoon Praise-a-thon service at 5pm where I had to sing a solo as well as sing with our Praise & Worship team. Busy...I kept thinking, is good. The weekend was great but my dreams, both day and night were still lassoed by my pending surgery. Remember the movie The Blob? Yeah, that's what my surgery had done to me...it had swallowed me up and with every thought I was expanding and brooding and stressing and so on.

Today, however, and with the help of this fabulous site filled with the most compassionate people, I am consumed in a most positive way. Not only have I received some great information, it looks like I may have found some new friends.

 
Not only have I accepted the fact that food and me are total ‘frienemies,” but I take full responsibility for it now and for what I will do to implement change in our relationship after my VSG. I feel like God has given me a second chance to make better choices and live. I’m still nervous and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but my mind is made up…this is something that I have to do FOR ME!!! 

I’m grateful for this site, for my husband, daughter, sisters and a few trusted friends who are in my corner. But most of all I’m grateful that obesity is not and doesn’t have to be the end of anyone…especially me.

I have to close with this question to you: Are you ready to get serious about your weight loss journey?

I'll be back soon, okay?

5 Comments

About Me
Brooklyn, NY
Location
49.6
BMI
VSG
Surgery
08/10/2009
Surgery Date
Sep 05, 2008
Member Since

Before & After
rollover to see after photo
Ms Ronnie at her HEAVIEST!!!
317lbs
209 lbs...25 to go!!!
209lbs

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