Everything went haywire as respects my little pre-op eating program and I grazed like a friggin' cow. ARGH!!!
Okay, now that I'm more calm -- writing always helps -- I can vent about the WHY that's behind this lousy day.
It started with every plan that I tried to make today falling thru so that just put the icing on the cake (aw crap...food again, huh?). I thought it was because hubby didn't want to go to Atlantic City overnight like I did and I was ticked off.
Then I thought it was the fact that he mentioned Empire City in Yonkers for a day of gambling and quickly changed his mind about that as well... I was ticked off once again.
I sat around and munched like I didn't know any better! Pretty pathetic, right?
So now I'm second-guessing my 'let's get things started on the right foot and do my own pre-op diet thing' self.
I'm so angry at myself that I 'm questioning everything there is to question about me, the surgery and my goals toward any kind of weight loss success.
Okay again, now anyone who knows me, knows that I'm like a pseudo-psychologist/life coach/inspirational therapist who's so not afraid to delve into her own madness and try to figure out what the heck's going on in that crazy abyss...
Then it hit me...after I sat quietly polishing off some ice cream and a couple of oreo cookies (while hubby was snoring on the couch and holding onto the remote as though it was glued to his fingers)...I'm stressing!! I'm sabotaging my own good intention pre-op diet plan because I'm STILL stressing!!!
I had to stop and remember that unlike other folks who can't eat a thing when they're stressed I , on the other hand, can eat a thing, that thing and a few more things.
The truth of the matter is that I'm nervous about this surgery and it's really freaking me out!!
So, it's not my husband...he was tired and didn't feel like doing anything and that's fine because he works really hard and takes really good care of me.
Fear!!! One of the most powerful, little words in the English language that can have one behaving in a manner that is completely shameful. Yes, it was and is fear. Now what? Do I revisit this whole surgery thing again? NO!!! I've done that dozens of times and I know this is the right path for me and the right time in which to do it.
I just needed to take a wooo-sahhh moment and get myself relaxed, so I did.
Tomorrow WILL be better and I'll start over. My fear has been silenced by my certainty. This is IT!!!
I've since prayed , done a little meditating on the whole WHY of it all, and I actually feel much better.
Onward and upward to my rebirth on 8/10/09 with VSG surgery and onto that loser's bench!