Had my gastricbypass July 4th. 2005....Lost over 175 lbs. I am have been anorexic and bulimic for about 2 and 1/2 years. Everyday is a struggle. In and out of hospitals. I go to the doctor and the phych doctor 2 times a week. My weight stays between 90 lbs and 100. I want allow myself to get over 100. If I do I stop eating. It is something I am working on very,very hard. I have now become to know god and know he is going to get me through this. I am a proud mom of a 22 year old son and a 17 year old daughter that I have got to live for. Seems like over the last 7 months my life has turned around 100 %. I want to live. For a while I wanted to die and tried to take my life twice. I am somebody and I deserve to be in this world just like anyone else. I am so proud of how far I have come. I have met so many loving and caring people on here. My old profile was hottmamma. When my computer died I lost all my stuff so I can't get to any of it. But it was all bad stuff about how I had such a bad child hood getting raped almost everyday by my brother. But now got has brought me through it and it is time to let it go and move on with my life and my kids. I want to thank all that has helped me on here over the last 3 years. A big God bless you.
SEPTEMBER 27TH.2008 WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH 2 MORE FINGERNAILS GONE. MY FINGER NAILS ARE NOW JUST FALLING OFF AND THEY HURT. IT KINDA BRINGS ME DOWN. I AM VERY SAD THIS MORNING. IT IS GLOOMY OUTSIDE. I DON'T FEEL LIKE EVEN MOVING. I GOT TO TRY TO FIND ME SOMETHING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST. JUST HAD MY MORNING COFFEE AND FEEL A LITTLE PUKEY. I SURE HOPE AND PRAY THE DAY GETS BETTER. MY DAUGHTER IS STILL IN BED. MY BOYFRIEND IS COMING INTO TOWN TO TAKE ME TO WALMART TODAY TO GET SOME STUFF I CAN EAT. I DON'T HAVE A CAR AND HAD NOT WENT TO GET FOOD IN ABOUT A MONTH. SO WHEN I HAVE A WAY I HAVE TO STOCK UP. I ALWAYS MAKE SURE MY DAUGHTER HAS PLENTY OF FOOD. I CAN'T EAT WHAT SHE DOES. I KEEP STUFF ON HAND THAT MY SON LIKES JUST IN CASE HE COMES BY FOR DINNER. GOD I LOVE MY KIDS.
october 1st. 2008.....Well today I feel pretty good. Both my children spent the night with me. We ate dinner together and watched t.v. and laughed and I enjoyed it so much. My children are so funny. They could make me laugh at a funeral. God only knows how much I love and enjoy having my children. My son makes me feel like everything is o.k. I feel safe with him around. It is cool out today. I hung some clothes on the line and took a bath and now I am watching Bobby Flave on the cooking show. If I could meet one person in this world..........it would be him........I find him so sexy. Good lord a good looking man that can cook. Hug someone today and make someone happy and laugh and have a blessed day.
10/7/08.....I am having a bad,bad crying day today. I woke up this morning and drank my cup of coffee like I always do....and flipping dumped on it. I am so tired of fighting for my life. What the hell have I done to myself?????????? I dump on everything I put in my mouth. Even sugar free stuff. Even my veggies and deli turkey is making me sick. I know I got to eat to stay alive. I am so tired....It is a everyday fight. I am about at the point of not caring anymore. I love my children and don't want to leave them. I try.....I wonder if my anorexia has won???? My mind and body is wore out. I can't go on like this. I don't want to end back in the hospital again. I know if I need to go I will. I am just all down today. I hope and look for a new day tomorrow. God I am begging for your help!!!! Please!!!
10/11/08...Went to the doctor and had some bloos work done friday. Last sunday I was standing up cooking because my 2 children was here. When I was up cooking I started seeing sopts of light bursting in my eyes and I could hear my hearing going. I knew I was passing out. I called for my Duaghter and she got me a chair and I was out if it for a few seconds. She finished cooking for me. Then I tried to eat and I couldn't swallow. I was getting choked so I gave up on eating. Well then the next few days I would try and eat and get choked it wouldn't go down. My weight was falling off way fast. In the danger zone...I went to walmart and got some high calorie protien shakes and been drinking them. I get strangled some. I went to the doctor friday and she put me on zyprxia. I took it a year ago and stopped it because I gained 30 lbs. In 3 weeks. Now that I need to gain I will take it. I would love to get to 110. I promised my children I would get to 115. I am trying. I go to the hospital for a swallowing test on Monday. Today I can swallow some better. So far today I have not choaked. I was scared to go to sleep. Scared I would strangle in my sleep. I want a normal life back so bad. It is just so much of a fight everyday for me to live. I got to....I want to stay here with my children as long as God will let me. I love them so much.