Just writing

Mar 20, 2023

Today was my appointment with my regular doctor. Told her about whats happened and she was so happy for me. I do love my doctor. She is going to help me with the 50lbs I need to lose before surgery and with the having to quit smoking. The only thing I found odd at the appointment was the scale. Its the same scale that my gastric doctor uses. So last week I weighted 426 but today, literaly a week later, I weight 416. There is no way that I lost 10lbs in a week. I didnt really change anything. I cut soda out after my appointment last week. I had a headache for three days but got over it. But is it possible that I lost 10lbs in a week just by cutting soda out? Maybe I just don't want to believe that its really possible. I'm still torn that this is all a dream and that its going to be ripped away from me at any moment. Which than makes me go down that spiral of why try, if its all going to vanish whats the point? I need to stop the spiral. writing out this blog helps. It gets everything that im feeling out and than makes me face it. I can do this, I can do this!!


Well this is going to be fun

Mar 13, 2023

Had my first doctor appointment today. I will say I love the doctor and the staff. He explained everything from start to finish on the process, had a good bedside manner but also didnt surgar coat things. Of all the things I have to do before the actual surgery the one that hit me the hardest was having to lose 50lbs. I knew that I would have to quit smoking, I knew that I would be cutting soda out and I knew that I would have to lose weight before the sugury to shrink my liver. however, I didnt expect it to be 50lbs. That number hurt my soul. If I could have lost 50lbs I wouldnt be in this mess. That deflated me. I know I can do it, its just seems like a huge number to lose when I have been struggling so hard to lose weight in the first place. I have my nutritionist appointment tomorrow. So hopfully I can pull my brain out of the funk before speaking with her. 

I know my relationship with food is a bad one. I emotional eat, I eat when im bored, I eat when im not even hungry because somedays its my only friend. Which typing that last part is very telling to me. My counseling appointment cant come soon enough. I need to fix this brain of mine.


I'm scared.

Mar 12, 2023

I know I shouldnt be scared. I have nothing to be scared of but my first appointment with the DR. is tomorrow and i'm scared. However, when I try and really think about what is making me scared it always goes to change. I have been a big women for so long. I know this person, and yes this person isnt the best she can be. She is depressed but she is always know to be the bubbly sunshiny and full of rainbows, but shes not really like that. This wall of fat keeps people away. I crave people and attention but I don't want them to get to close. What happens when the that fat wall is gone? What happens when that wall comes crumbling down? Who am I going to be without the fatness? I am the size of three people if they weighed 150lbs. Is it odd to say I know those two other "me's"? I know who they are, what they represent and how they came in to this world. They have been with me through everything and have kept me safe. How do I say good bye to them? Which brings me back to, I'm scared!!

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Well here we go!!

Mar 03, 2023

Today is the first day of it all. 

I found out about a program that my work pays for called Surgery Plus. I called them because I had no idea what they were or anything. What they told me blew my mind, but Im getting ahead of myself.

I am 41 and over 400lbs. The smallest I have ever been was 150lbs and that was in 1997 when I was in high school. I have gone up and down but never back down to that 150lbs. I'm divorced, childhood trama and adult trama, and no i'm not going to go in to all of it. yyyeesss I'm in therapy, before anyone asks. If anyone is even here, maybe Im writing this in to the void and its just good to write or is it at this point "type", because no one anyone writes down with pen and paper anymore. Sorry, Im rambling at this point. 

I had resigned myself to just being fat, obese, lard ass, big girl, or phat, whatever you want to call me, or really whatever I call myself. I've always been "that" girl in the friend group and I let myself just be ok with it. Ive been the friend that hangs out with the "hot" friend and just watch guys fall at her feet. Been the biggest girl in the room and be completly invisable. I never wanted to be that person but here I am 41 and im just tired. 

So back to this "surgery plus" call. They will pay for everything except the lab tests which my normal insurance will pay for. Did you hear me out there in the void? EVERYTHING. I started grilling because nothing good ever happens to me and it if does something worse happens later. Good things always comes with strings but there are no strings here and I dont know how to handle it. I cried like a baby and than screamed in happiness and than cried again. 

So here we are Day one, already filled out paperwork, and now I have an appointment with a doctor that is going to help change my life. So lets see how all this goes.


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Mar 03, 2023
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