Sarahlicious

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I gave myself...today I was putting on my new Valentine outfit and I stood in amazement that these clothes belonged to me. I went to pick up a pair of panties and all my panties are now small little folded bundles almost the size of fists, then I was in awe by how small the waist of my pants were, I still can't believe they fit ME...the person who once couldn't even wear the largest size at Catherines pants...now wearing a size 18...I've meant to ask my mother if I ever wore a size 18. I can only remember sz. 26 jeans in middle school...stretch pants and jogging pants in elementry school. My shirt the smallest size LB carries, once again I had once been at the point of not fitting into anything at LB for years...and now I'm on the verge of being out of them. Then I picked up my ruby ring to top off my outfit of red and thought to put it on my largest finger and of course it's loose there also...I haven't worn it for over a year!!! So maybe this is another Valentine's Day I'm spending alone (but hopefully my last), but I have myself..and I've made myself the best person I can be inside and out and I continue to make things better!

I just got back from my PS...and I did it...I gave the registration guy my number!!!!

He didn't register me someone else did, but as I walked by his booth to my doctor's area I stopped and handed him my number and said "here call me sometime". He said, "o.k." Then after my visit I checked out with him, and I apologized for seeming so rushed earlier and he said wow that was a quick visit. And we said goodbye...that was it. I don't even know his name!!! I think I would know it because I heard the other lady say several of their names....but don't know for sure...I was so nervous but was trying to play it cool.

I know I'm usually not the philosophical sorts on here, but after a reply I made to Alexa last night knowing the risks I took of being FLAMED major for eluding to drinking alcohol, which I wasn't....guess the type I mentioned was the low carb kind  ...but it occured to me pre-op or post-op one should NEVER say NEVER and here's why I think it's a bad way of thinking.

Way pre-op before I reached my highest I would see other SMO people and tell myself, "whew, well I might be fat but at least I'm not THAT big, and I'll NEVER let myself get that big". I inparticularly remember thinking this in the grocery store one day when the lady in front of me in line had a very large stomach and when she bent over to get something it hung between her legs and almost touched the ground. Well people, NEVER say NEVER...had I looked in the mirror that day I probably did almost weigh as much as she did, just wasn't proportioned the same way at the time. Then as a few years went by not only had I gotten "to be like her". I got so past that size that I could only WISH to be that size again!!! But I had my mind set to it will NEVER happen so when it did happen I had no plan to deal with, so it happened and it got out of control.

So when it came to WLS, my only experience was with a family member who had the older version of stomach stapling in the late 80's who would come to our house for gatherings and overeat and try to secretly puke in our backyard. The eventually was a problem and she had to have the staples removed. Then more recent to my surgery a friend of a friend told me about all things she would NEVER do again like drink soda, eat sugar, etc. And she was so glad she picked the clinic she went to because they didn't make her go through any of that pre-op couseling or psych stuff...ummm o.k. that you'll do just great!!!! So after surgery, we go out for lunch and she picks a buffet, after 2 plates she excuses herself to the bathroom, comes back and says I'm just going to get 1 more thing...at this point I am finished, had 2 plates (am pre-op not even considering surgery but trying to lose weight), she comes back with a plate full of fruit and dessert items...and said well I have to get my money worth. 

So I knew from the beginning of my WLS that this was going to be much more a mental challenge than a physical one. Heck, to begin with even 2 years before I had WLS I had seen a counselor as a means to deal with my weight...looking back it was a baby step at that time. So when I started out I told myself, "I know you may stumble along the way, what's your plan for getting back up?" 

I also, realized that there were few things I really LOVED that I would be giving up FOREVER. (like homemade lasagna...yummy)  I had WLS to lose weight so I could function more like a normal person. I knew eventually....long term....I could eat normally including enjoying an alcoholic beverage...which BTW...I probably have less than 4 drinks a year... But with those abilities come the responsibility of keeping watch of my overall intake and exercise and making sure I stilling on the track of where I want to be. I rarely find myself eating anything mindlessly or trigger. I can recognize situations that cause those feelings and avoid the response...and I have continued to see a counselor to deal with issues I had, have or newly experience as a post-op.

I see so many post about people fretting because they had a bite of cake or a Hershey kiss. Yes, it's not the right thing to be doing at this stage of the game, but it's unrealistic to have thought you would be perfect, if we were perfect we wouldn't have ended up MO...or SMO in my case. 

So what's you plan? It's a long journey...trust me mine has been over 4 years and is still isn't over...."When you stumble, how will you get back up?

So this morning I decided to wear a red shirt, and anyone who knows me knows that means I had to wear a red bra, and then I had to match my panties to either my bra or my pants and guess what I no longer have black panties that fit, so in my search for panties I came across the red lace cheeky shorts that actually match the bra. So what the hey, a little big, but fit o.k. and look HOT!!!! 

So on my extended lunch hour I had an appointment at the PS office, which is actually at the hospital clinic where I also see my WLS. So of course I see the nurses, receptionist and registration people quite often. Well, this one male receptionist I've noticed on recent visits has been quite nice, and even if he doesn't help me he says hello when he sees me waiting, etc. So today I see him coming back from lunch and as he walks by I check the left hand...lol. And I tell myself you are going to give him your number....not that he doesn't see it every time he registers me, but you know he can't take it. But anyway he ends up not being the one who registers me, and the doctors assistant actually came up to get me and wait for me because my wait was long and the doctor was waiting. So I was like o.k. when I leave and "check out" I'll just make sure I leave my folder with him and already have my number written down for him. And guess what!!!!!

He wasn't there anymore....I even had to wait for an available person to give my folder to and I kept looking to see if maybe he changed booths and nope...he was gone. Maybe he worked 7-2 and he was coming off his last break and not lunch....??? Oh well, I will be back there in 3 weeks...and I will be prepared and leap the first time I see him!!!!

Now that I'm healing from my surgery, I'm gettin' to getting. I'm looking at where I'm going next and the answer I've come up with is MEDICAL SCHOOL.  It's not just out of the blue and it's not from watching too much McDreamy. It's something that has churned in my head seriously (lol) for a at least a year. And something that I had glimpses of before but I believe I would never let myself even consider because of my weight but now I know I can handle it, and I with being 2 1/2 years without cellulitis and other health problems resolved I know nothing is going to hold me back I can take leap and go for this!!!

It's not going to be easy, and I'm not even talking about Med School, yet, I'm just talking about getting accepted. I have a degree in English...lol. And any college science I did take is about 10 years old. So at least I work at a university, so I can enroll in the neccessary science courses starting in the summer and hopfully by next fall be applying for enrollment in the entering 2009 class.   My PCP is super supportive and helpful.

I'm back to work, with Starbucks in hand, and as promised here are my before and after pictures from my recent panniculectomy and hernia repair. And as an added bonus, I uploaded some waaay before pics for comparison. *warning* After pics show open wounds do not view while eating....

http://obesityhelp.com/myoh/uzone,photos/action,gallery/albu mId,13400/

So here are the stats...they removed 16lbs of skin and tissue during an 8 hours surgery. I weighed 279, before this recent surgery and at my last doctor's appointment I weighed 255. So I have lost an additional 8lbs beyond what they removed. Seems like my hope that the panniculectomy would help lose more weight to get to my personal goal is going to work!!!

So having started at 502, and now being at 255 means I've lost almost half myself.

No this is not the percocet talking, I haven't taken any pain medication in almost 5 days. LOL This is purely some humorous moments and revelations I've had in past 3 weeks, and I thought it was a good time to share them with you all. I must say while I am a firm believer that laughter makes the best medicine laughing hurts me but dang I've had some moments especially watching Ellen....

First, yes I must confess I touch myself, I don't understand how skinny people aren't touching themselves all the friggin' time. I fold my hands and place them in my new lap and realize *whoops* I'm touching my private area (which I guess is still larger than a skinny persons) but it's weird I'm freaked out, I feel dirty...well not really....but it's totally weird like where am I suppose to put my hands...keep them to the sides at all times or make sure I have pockets!!!!

O.K. now kinda along those same lines...my best friend send me a couple Christmas gifts. I decided to wait till Christmas day to open them. One of them was kinda big and really heavy. Mom and I were trying to figure out what the heck she had sent. So finally Christmas morning I eagerly open it, by the way Mom had to lift it as it was so heavy I thought it was beyond my lifting limit. So there in front of my Mom I reveal "The Good Sex Bible", I burst into laughter as I knew my friends intentions, I had told her my insecurities and she knew after my surgery I'd be out and about. So I'm laughing and my mom says, "did dhe mark any pages for you as suggestions?" OMG what a priceless response. 

So I have a lap now, it's cool I actually eat my meals on the couch with a dinner tray. But I feel a little cheated, the food is so much farther away now...I have 2x the distance to get to my mouth than I did when I rested my plate on my belly and that mean 2x the chance of dropping something on me. LOL

Well that's all for now...Happy New Year!!!!

Well, here I am on my own 3 1/2 weeks after my hernia repair and panniculectomy. My mom left this morning at 6 AM, and my roommate doesn't get back from Christmas vacation until January 2nd. Bless my mom for being able to extend her stay for 10 days, she was suppose to leave the 20th, but of course I was in the hospital again with the infection wasn't released until Dec. 23rd. She wanted to stay until she could be sure the home nurses were actually coming to pack my wounds and that I could take care of myself in other ways. Which I can now. While here my mom, also made sure my car got new brakes, my apartments got cleaned well (we paid one of my students to come over and help out), and organized (my aunt, uncle and counsin came one day to help out).

I have before and after pictures, it might not be until I return to work, which is suppose to be Jan. 8th, that I get them online, my computer at home and camera don't seem to get along. Last night seeing those pictures was the first time I got a good look at myself, and I was a little taken a back. I am pleased with the panniculectomy. But to see the open areas, while small, are still a site to be seen and upsetting.

I had already called to make an appointment to see my psychologist next week. I have seen her regularly for 1 1/2 years but haven't seen her of course since surgery, but I feel quite overwhelmed emotionally right now and yet haven't shed a tear. I honestly feel like a have a medical black cloud over me. Yes, I know complications are possible, and yes for me these were probably one of the more obviously complications. But can I just once, have something done by the book...and just have it done. My PCP, who has been a complete angel though all of this, she even called to check on my during Hanakuh jokingly said "Can you do anything easy?" I started to say that my PFO closure was easy, yeah the PFO closure I had after 2 TIA....not normal at all...but I thought the closure procedure was easy...then I remembered...maybe for me but not for the doctors since I have an abnormal heart anatomy. 

Yes, I count my blessings that the sun always shine though the cloud in the end. But at a time when I was considering a start of a new journey and many more surgeries to remove skin...I really must think hard, and I do have a lot of skin as you will see in the pictures.

OMG...I can't believe I'm fixin' Henrietta and having my panniculectomy in 10 days!!!

Litterally, I have been waiting 2 years for this....and yet I just took the leap and made the final decision less than a month ago while in Lexington. The words of my fellow OHers like Mom of Many, Vickie C, Becky Sue, of course my sister Patty...o.k. who else was in the bar??? Telling me DO IT!!! Go for the plastics....I mean of course it had been something I had been debating in my head for a long time...duh I had the approval...then when I shared that bit of information...I got the ARE YOU CRAZY???? You have plastics approved...do it!!!!

So now in the next ten days I get to....

Monday- Call surgeons office to make sure IVC filter is schedule since I never got a return phone call, or just call IVC office and see if I can schedule it myself. Call BCBS make sure they have gotten the dates from both surgeons office for final approval. *note me doing a lot of work for the surgeon's offices

Tuesday- See neurologist...get the whole lovenox things cleared up...hope I'm right!!!!

Wednesday- IV Iron Infusion...yea!!! NOT!!!!!  and dinner with Alexa, fellow OHer having LBL the day before me!!!

Thursday- Pre-admission appointment and tests at hospital

Friday- Final appointment with my therapist before surgery....LAST DAY AT WORK (job #1)  WOOHOO!!!!! Get massage.

Saturday - Last Day AT WORK (job #2) WOOHOO!!!!!!!

Sunday - Go to CHURCH!!!! (haven't been in awhile, good time to go back) Clean house, do laundry. 

Monday - IVC Filter placement

Tuesday - pedicure and haircut, any last minute shopping...get pain medicine prescription filled!!!!

Wednesday- Doppler of my legs, stop by surgeons clinic to be marked for surgery, pick up Mom from airport.

THURSDAY!!!! MY BIG DAY!!!! NO TURNING BACK....44 months to the day since my open RNY...the next phase of me begins!!!!

Everyone knows the typical WLS journey. Pre-op tests, surgery, 12-18 months of weight loss, around 2 years post -op you have plastic surgery. Viola...new you!!! Well anyone knows me knows I'm anything but typical. So why would my WLS be any different. So sure I had that idea that since I had my surgery in April 2003 that in the summer of 2005 I should be having my first plastic surgery, I was realistic I knew that I would need a lot of surgery, I knew I would never be a Barbie doll, my legs had been ravished by lymphedema, I wasn't sure if they would ever had a normal shape again. I had my first PS consult in May 2004, for my legs, and was told then that I needed to do my stomach area first, it seems so much of my other problems hinged on my stomach area yet, my stomach area hinged on losing more weight and at the time that seemed to have slowed to a halt. 

So when I moved to Miami, I sought a surgeon to do the hernia repair and refer me to a PS for the TT. She said I had to lose 60lbs before she would do it. At that point in time I thought it would be impossible. And yet here I am 60lbs lighter 15 days away from my surgery.

From the beginning 2 years ago I wanted a hernia repair and PS, and yet somewhere along the road the idea of a revision got put into my head. My surgeon's goal for me was 220, my personal goal is 180. Yet that darn chart says 120 and I dreamt about getting there. But did I really want to risk more malnutrition, losing my hair, possible complications just for weight lose, when I was losing weight on my own. 

Things happen for a reason, when my revision was scheduled for the summer, my mom didn't have enough paid time off to spend time with me( and there was a nurse shortage, she's a nurse), now it's the holidays, there are enough nurses and people who want the hours so she will be able to be here. The time off works better with my work schedule also. It's cooler...that's nicer for the binder!!! I mean I'm a size 14 on top...I have always said...the perfect size would be 14/16 because I could wear things in both regular and plus!!! Sure maybe I was kinda kinding at the time...but hey it's true!!! And when I was saying it I never imagined being at that size...now I'm here and I just stand in the clothes in amazement...well the shirts...pants size 24 dress pant...but I have this huge flap o' skin.

So I sit here and look back at the past 2 years and see a rollercoaster of medical issues. Quite scary ones...but all thoroughly treated and relatively resolved. Extreme improvements in other conditions such as my lymphedema and cellulitis. 

I had to decide if I deserved to have PS now at 277 or needed to wait until I lost more weight. I mean I really struggled with this mentally. I felt like if I had surgery and didn't derserve to have it something bad would happen to me. Well I think a weight loss of 225 is pretty deserving of PS...oh my I've almost lost myself. I'm 26lbs away from being half the woman I used to be. WOW!!! So yeah...screw the typical WLS timeline...screw typical...I'm not typical...I'm far from normal...I'm Sarah. It will get done....eventually! And it will be a hell of a ride!!!!

At times it will be scary, yes, I know I'm usually happy cheery...but yes gloomy thoughts go through my mind. I hated having to fill out my advance directive, but my surgeon requires them. I also felt I should prepare a list of my extra life insurance policy information for my mother. Then the thought that went through my head that really freaked me out was about the dress I just bought. It is a size 14, I have never in my life worn a size 14 dress. It looks soo cute. For some reason, the thought crossed my mind that should something happen to me, I want to be buried in that dress. I mean part of the reason some of these typs of thoughs pop in my mind is because I did have a sister that passed away I remember the conversation regarding what we were going to dress her in, and she was always normal size and because of medication had gained a lot of weight and this had devastated her, and there was talk about dressing her in an dress and they were going to split it up the back to make it fit...and I thought NO!!! she would have never wanted that!!! So in my mind if I don't get wear this dress before surgery, I would forever want to be wearing my size 14...in honor of all the hard work I had done. O.k. I'm now crying to much I can barely see the computer screen....