Captain Vitamist

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Yes...I am.

It's been WAAAAAYYY to long since I've been here.  I've fallen back into the "normal" world and I tend to forget that there are parts of me that are quite abnormal.
So I'm coming back here to try to find some support in living life as a successful post op.

I got divorced in October of 2007.  Lots of reasons why.  None of which I would like to discuss at this time.  :-)

But...I'm here and I'm happier than I've ever been.  I'm working as a portrait studio manager.  I'm LIVING. 

Well...that's the short stick of it.  Hopefully I'll be back with more details later.  I just have to remember to!

A lot of things change after surgery.  Unfortunately, the inside doesn't.  So if you sucked before...you sure as hell still suck even years post-op.

My problem right now is that I still see myself looking like this:



It's just my reality.  I will forever, in my mind, see myself as this big.  It effects nearly every aspect of my life and I am trying to figure out how to change this.

I am not at goal.  I'm not even near goal really.  But I am almost down 175lbs.  I shouldn't see myself as that person anymore.  This is not as easy as I thought.....

I'm trying to get used to this new profile thingy.  And Stef...this is for you:



Right now, it's all about being The Sultana.
Wanna join The Harem?  Ask me how.

~*~January 17, 2006~*~

I am really sucking on this whole updating thing. I'm sorry to those of you who check on me and care. LOL It's now been a year and a half. It has flown by like I've never seen before. My weight loss is at a stall right now and it really is my own fault. I'm back to "normal". The amount of what I eat is still small but I am used to it. I also know that I am really able to eat anything and I do. BAD BAD BAD.
Tomorrow is my 26th birthday and my New Year's resolution has been to really make my life more about me. I want it to be enjoyable and that starts here NOT with anyone or anything else.
I am a mom. That will never change. What will change and what has changed is whether I'm a happy mom or not. I look good and feel better and it's just great. I got my first tattoo last Sunday and it was all about ME. MY life and MY choices and I loved every bit of it.

When I was little I watched Sesame Street. I watched it every day. My mom sat and watched it with me and there was a song on there about counting called Ladybug Picnic. This is something I remember and it is an important part of my life and childhood and everything I do seems to be ladybugs. So that is where this originated. I make boutique children's clothes and my business name is Ladybugtique. I love ladybugs. They give me that warm fuzzy that nothing else can. :-)

The ladybug has 8 dots. Well, 7 and a star. The star is for my mom because her favorite thing in the whole wide world is stars. It is another thing that we have. So I wanted to get it on there. Why 8? Well, I was born on 1/18/80 at 1:08 p.m. and I weighed 10lbs 2oz or 10 and 1/8lbs. 8 seems to be my number and always has.
I love my tattoo. It is a part of me. It is meaningful and it's mine. No one can take it away. I just love it.

So for everyone that checks on me and has followed me through this amazing journey...I'm still alive and kicking and working on being a better MENTAL me.

~*~August 16, 2005~*~

Well, I guess I didn't keep up with things like I wanted to. Tomorrow is my one year appointment with Dr. Fred. The 31st is my "official" one year anniversary. WOW. So many things have changed. I feel SO much better on a lot of levels.

I am so much more confident in myself. I spent most of my life trying to make other people happy. Not stepping on too many toes..blah blah blah...but now, I know, I don't need to do that. I don't need to make anyone happy but myself. And my self is doing just fine.

Last year at this time, I was not too happy. Not feeling to happy with myself, my life, my reality. But now, it's all different. Things have changed in my appearance, my emotions, my relationships. It has become very obvious that quite a few people too comfort in my obesity. They sat around comfortable with themselves because they were never the "fat one". It was always me. Sorry. That's over now. I can go into a store now and look around and know that I am not the fattest, unhealthiest one there. That is an accomplishment in itself.

Last year at this time I was 398lbs. Last year at this time I was wearing a 32/34W. My shoes were 12W. I was completely unhappy and unhealthy with myself. I couldn't run for more than a few steps and I couldn't bring in my groceries without about passing out. It sucks living in an apartment with stairs.

This year, is different. I don't know what I will weigh on my doctor's scale (not that it's reliable at all but..) when I weighed myself on a home scale Saturday I weighed 252. I had made it my goal to be down to 250 by the official anniversary day but now....who knows?! So this year I am going to weigh under 250lbs. I am wearing a 14/16/18. 14/16 on top and a 16/18 on bottom. And we're talking Misses sizes. Not Women's anymore. Sorry Lane Bryant and The Avenue....I can only shop there for Bras now and who knows for how long. My shoe size has gone down to an 11. And even some of those are big. My bra size has gone from a 50DD to a 40/42D. Thank GOD those babies haven't gone down too much. Even though I will be getting new ones when I can afford it.

I'm different. I feel different. I'm happier and I WANT to do things. I WANT to get out and SOCIALIZE and meet people. I'm not ignored. I'm a person. A real person when I go out. I get noticed. I love it.

As for my personal relationships...they have changed SIGNIFICANTLY. I can't believe how different my marriage is...my friendships...everything. Even my relationship with my daughter is different. She doesn't notice that mommy is skinnier. I'm just mommy. But *I* know the difference. *I* am the mommy that does stuff now. Not the mommy that sits on her ass the majority of the day. I'll walk and run and swim and DO stuff.

So for those of you wondering if this is the right choice. For me, it was. For you, think about it. Think about what the weight is doing to you. Your life. Think about all the things you are missing out on. All the things that you can never get back. If you have kids, it's their entire life. All the little things. All the trips to the park, the going on rides at an amusement park, the rides down the water slide.

It's amazing how things have changed. No, it hasn't been the easiest thing in the world. I battle my desire to eat every single day. But I know deep down that I can't eat like I used to and I don't NEED to. That is what I knew before but couldn't enforce. I needed to eat to live not live to eat. And this tool that I have been given allows me to enforce the proper eating I knew I needed to be doing but didn't have the will power to acheive. It gets easier every day. Eventually....it'll just be me.

~*~April 20, 2005~*~

It's almost 8 months. Almost. Ya know, this has gone much more easily than I ever thought that it would. I've been having a really hard time eating lately. I just want to eat anything and everything. Since I know that I can...therein lies the problem. I don't dump. You would cry if you knew what I could eat. 50+g of sugar. And I know this. I NEVER should have tried. NEVER EVER. I have found that since losing weight I have very VERY bad PMS cravings. Don't tell me "Eat the sugar free chocolate. It tastes the same." No. It doesn't. Don't try. Because I have tried it and no...when you have PMS. Chocolate is chocolate and sugar free is paper.
So right now, that is what I'm trying to get a hold of. I want to be a healthier person. I need to get back on track. I NEED TO. Will I? We shall see.

But instead of whining about my inability to control myself, I really came here to discuss the little topic of Illinois Public Aid. Recently I have had an outpouring of requests for help regarding PA. Yes, IDPA paid for my surgery. Yes, it was fairly simple in respect to other Insurance companies. If you have ANY questions about getting surgery and you're on PA, please DO NOT hestitate to ask me. And just an FYI: Stroger AND UIC have shut down their Bariatric programs so my surgeon, Dr. Fred Tiesenga, is being BOMBARDED with requests for surgery. So if you really want to do this, get on the phone and call and get started. The waiting list is going to be growing and GROWING.

And now for a little eyecandy for you all...check out the wonder that is my new favorite ensemble:

Yep...I'm diggin my new digs. Size 18/20 baby and they are BIG on me. HELL YEAH!

Six Months Gone By....
It's been 6 months since surgery. WOW! How things have changed. I went to Dr. Fred's today to really check out the reality of where my weight is. I hadn't weighed in since mid-January and I was afraid. Not that I thought I was gaining but the possibility is ALWAYS there. I have lost another 9lbs. Not bad I say. I really have to get a scale that works right. It's far too traumatic having this one that works incorrectly. Thank you all my friends for being so very supportive. Especially those who have had this surgery and know what to and not to do. I appreciate you all not being hypercritical of the choices I make. Everyone is different. EVERYONE. What works for you, won't necessarily work for me. It's good to know that other people understand that.
I'm down from a size 32/34 to a 16/18 and I can't be much happier. I fit in a pair of size 16 Levi's the other day and DAMN it felt good. I hope this doesn't stop. I hope I can still be successful. I am becoming more aware of my self and what I need to do to work the tool. It's an interesting journey but an exciting one at that. Last night it was 11:30 p.m. and all was quiet in my house. I was getting in the shower and doing the ever so fun eyebrow tweeze and I caught a glimpse of myself. I'm still big. I will always be big. I am "Big Boned". But when I was looking at myself, my collar bone was protruding from my...ya know...collar. GASP. It was amazing. My shoulder bones stick out. I mean, really stick out. I lifted up my arms and my rib cage sticks out. It's just fantastic, I tell ya. I knew those things were there but I never knew that I would see them.

My body is far from "perfect". I have skin issues and it breaks my heart that my skin isn't as young and elastic as everyone said it would be. I will need my arms done, my stomach and my legs. And hell yeah I'm getting myself a pair of nice knockers. It's hard for me to think about putting myself through such a painful surgery. It's hard for me to imagine being able to pay for such a thing. But..eventually, it will need to be done. A few weeks ago I had a cut under my bottom roll-o-skin. It was SO PAINFUL. It had just gotten raw and split open. Yeah.Nice. I know. But, it's reality.
Regardless, this is the best decision of my life. It's hard. I'm not going to tell you that it's easy because it sure as shit isn't but the difficulty lies within. It's the mental everything. It's the ability to deal with emotional things in an emotional manner rather than a consumption manner.

No matter what, it was worth every second of it. I couldn't feel better about myself than I do right now. I fell normal. Really. Truly. Normal. Now when I go into a store I'm not the fattest person. I can run. RUN I SAY. I can carry my groceries upstairs and not die from lung collapse.

If you are trying to get surgery, keep fighting. Don't give up. If a nurse is giving you a hard time, insurance, the doctor, fight. This is your life and it will improve your life like you never could imagine. Their attitudes, harsh words, irresponsibilty, whatever it is, is not worth your life. So keep fighting.

It's official. I have joined the century club. I went to see Dr. Fred on Wednesday and it said 298. On.The.Dot.

I'm not even 5 months out yet.

WOW!

I have some pictures on my livejournal. If you have any questions feel free to comment there or email me!

It's almost 4 months out and I'm feeling great. I've updated my LJ but figured I should update here too.

I have to say, I do NOT regret this surgery. It was the best decision I have made. I, though, am one of the lucky ones. I am 4 months out and I have never dumped. Nothing makes me sick. Unfortunately, I know this. I never should have tried.

I know that in the long run it will bite me in the ass but since I'm aware of it, I'm hoping it won't assist in failure.

I have lost over 80lbs now. I am so happy about it I could burst. I am in the size I was in when I met my husband. I haven't been smaller since 8th grade!!!!

I can't thank Dr. Tiesenga enough for the wonderful surgery he performed on me. I had no pain and I thank him for that.

Hmmm...I guess I should post and say that I'm ok and alive. There might be someone out there wondering. LOL

I'm good to go...it's 8 weeks yesterday and I'm down 60lbs. You can see that in my pictures.

I'm very excited and if you are curious and have ANY questions...I would LOVE to answer them. Just email me.

Peace, Love and Vitamist...

The First Day Of Preschool....

Exactly 1 Week Post-Op.