May 07, 2013
Well we had a very wet and chilly April here in the South. It made it hard to get out and about, but we had a few good days and my girls and I went on a hike and then we went camping. So, it wasn't a total wash. I am down to 167 lbs. Are you kidding me? How on earth did I end up here? I dreamed that I would hit the 150's before my surgery, but somewhere in the back of my head I always laughed at myself and thought, nope, that's impossible. Look how far you would have to go in order to get that small. I also could not imagine what I would look like. I also was hoping it would go fast, but I had got it into my head that it was going to take a long time to get down to where I wanted to be.
It's been 9.5 months since my surgery and I am down 125 lbs. What? Yes, a whopping 125 lbs. That is what my daughter weighs. I can not believe it sometimes. I have noticed a few things that come up. Mainly that I still see a bigger me. I can wear a 12 comfortably. Yet, I can pick up a pair of 16 pants and swear I am going to fit. I pick up my 12's and every single time think, there is no way I am going to fit into these. I am wearing a M in shirts. I love it. I can not believe it and I love it. I know I need to pick up the medium shirt, but I always feel like I should be trying on the L just in case. I have a couple of shirts that were my go to hide me shirts before my surgery. Too tight and not flattering, but at the time, I thought they were hiding me. I also would not wear anything not black as I felt like it hid more of me. It didn't but that was my comfort at the time. I have lots of colors in my closet now. I have several tank tops that are cute but I am kinda scared to put them on. Scared they won't fit, even though I tried them on and I have lost 4 lbs since I bought them. Scared people are going to comment on my flappy arms.
I love the new me most days. I feel like I am fortunate on how my journey is going. Yet there are days I can't seem to get into the new me. Like I can't stop seeing the old me. I look down at myself in the car and don't see a huge buldgy stomach and that makes me smile. My husband can pick me up and carry me around, and that makes me feel amazing. But there are times I look into the mirror and think I am still not a thin-fit girl. Sometimes I don't see all the changes. I think sometimes, I didn't see who I really was before surgery-which is a good thing! I guess I never saw just how big I had gotten. I am still self conscience about the way I look. I always seem to be wondering if people are looking at me and like what they see or looking at me and judging me. I usually end up thinking... you should have seen me before. How judgmental I am of myself!
Don't get me wrong, I have come a long way. I have done well with where I am at right now. I have about 20 more lbs to goal weight! I started YOGA and working out at the Y. I love it, I don't get there as much as I would like but I am working on changing that. I need to work out, it makes me feel good that I can!