Angela M.

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BITCH! Okay all done. School is getting TOUGH...I studied all day but now two girls from my class told me we are doing these OTHER chapters so Im stressing like hell to get them all read. Ugh- I think MAYBE I'll just keep my weekend with the boyfriend because I am in need of some amusement in my life. All this stress is not good for a person. But I know I'll be all set. Once monday is over I will be all set. Smooth sailing from there. My cousin Ryan emailed me today and said he is almost done with FINALS (Im only in midterms) and next week he is leaving for Florida and then South Carolina- he is sooo lucky. Im jealous! OMG I have to call Lauren!......

Felt sick ever since this morning. I drank so much water last night and went to the bathroom once today. Im so bloated. Bloated and achey all over, headache, cramps...man it sucks. And I also have SOOO much studying to do these next couple of days. I called Rick and postponed our "weekend." I really didnt want to but I have so much to do and if Im going to feel like this then there is no use. It sucks. Ugh. Anddd I gotta go meet my "group" at 7 tonight...Im so not up for that. Ugh.

Losing friends is becoming a pattern for me I suppose. I just wrote a post bitching about one person who stopped talking to me for no apparent reason (sorry for the people who emailed me thinking it was them, of course not)...and now its potentially happening again?... It always sucks to lose friends but if Im not at fault (which I highly doubt I am) then there isnt anything I can do about it I suppose, Im a pretty damn good friend and the people that stick around are the ones that appreciate it I guess. I will run into the first person in a few weeks because we both have to be at the same place and I wonder if they will act like nothing happened- I noticed that people tend to do that. I just cant stand it sometimes. Im an adult, I can handle it if you just dont like me. I would never pretend to like someone if I dont- and Id rather genuine friends anyways- so tell me, then go on your way. But if I do something to offend you or piss you off then TELL ME- most likely I didnt mean it in the first place and its just a matter of a simple misunderstanding...and know also that if you piss me off- I'll tell you! Isnt that how relationships work? Whatever I cant bitch too much- I've met some great people and a few amazing friends the past couple of months so I should be thankful for the important people in my life. And I am thankful. In life you will always come across people who simply don't like you for no apparent reason and its sad but it happens- and I thought that meeting people with a common struggle- we may judge each other a little less, but thats not how the world works sometimes and I'll just have to get used to it. But I wont be that way. And I wont surround myself with people like that. Every single day I try and be a better person. And every single day I appreciate the great friends that I have. Speaking of great friends...I owe Lauren a phone call....


I love Lauren...she just assured that that 1- Im not dying and 2- Im not a bitch. Thats what friends are for right? haha Im sad that I cancelled my plans with Rick this weekend, maybe I'll change my mind- but Im still definitely looking forward to Alyssa's party! Oh yea and another benefit is that Lauren is the best cook ever so I know the food will be great! Oh man she is gonna laugh at me when she reads that. But yea I bought Alyssa one thing last week but I have to go out to Westborough for the other thing...maybe me and my mom will do that tomorrow if Im still not dead- and if I get my reading done. Im sure I'll have time. Major drawback of not going out sat night- we were planning on seeing Happy Feet!!! Ughhh but there is always next weekend I suppose. Okay I gotta eat dinner and get ready to leave- plus Im waiting for Lauren to call back and Rick to call after he is done tutouring. Blah.

Let me just do a brief rant because I should be leaving for class any minute- I hate when people "need' you so badly and act like your friend and talk to you all the time and then when they get what they want or fulfill thier goal, they drop you like a bad habit. And apparently just recently this has happend to me by someone who I thought was wise and mature....but I guess age has nothing to do with it- people are idiots no matter what stage they are at in their lives. You dont just use and abuse someone and then disapear. I guess Im a better person, and a better friend for not being like that. If I consider someone a friend, their my friend for life- not just until I dont need anything from them anymore. I have respect. Oh well Im better off I suppose- and who needs them anyways? I have Lauren, and she is a pretty damn good friend if I do say so myself. Okie dokie well its time for class now and that sure did make me feel better. =)

oh and p.s- I bet the person that this is about will read it and never think its about them- but at least maybe they will learn something from it and be more considerate to their new friends! buh-byes.

Later- Just got back from class and I must say that Im smart as hell. I got a 100 and a 86 on my two political science tests. And this HOTT kid in my class made my day- when I sat down he said "Oh wow you changed your hair, it looks really good!" I was so damn excited and I swear I blushed. Im a sucker for compliments!

Well I called my PCP's office today to see if she finished my letter yet even though I wasn't expecting her to since she has been backed up, but it was there- she just finished it today. So this is what is says:

To Whom It May Concern:
                Angela has been a patient of mine for nearly five years. During that time I have gotten to know her as a patient and as an individual. She is exceptionally mature and thoughful for her age. She is very much aware and understanding of the risks and benefits of the Bariatric procedure and wishes to proceed. I support her candidacy for the Bariatric Program unreservedly. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.
                 Very truly yours,
              Janet A. Slota, M.D.

So I picked it up and made two copies and I plan on giving it to Dr. Shukla today since I wont see Dr. Bourne until the next group- Dec 11th. Also I dont know if I trust Dr. Bourne to circulate it, she is busy busy. I also called today to confirm if she recieved the fax from my therapist but she hasnt called back yet. I gotta get ready to head back to school though so I'll update more later!

My appointment was miserable. She asked me if I was trying to have surgery FOR my boyfriend. Yea Okay. Next she told me that if I died during surgery they would have to shut down their whole program. They are looking at me as a potential lawsuite instead of a patient who is looking to get my life back. I dont know how much longer I can keep up the fight, they are wearing thin on me...I might as well live the rest of my life fat and be happy eating- instead of being miserable fighting a never ending battle with doctors. What's better? They make me life miserable and I have a pretty good life. I hope all my hard work will eventually pay off.

So today I ate pretty decent but of course- no exercise. I had about 1337 calories today overall. Thats good because my nutritionist told me not to go over 1900. Im meeting with Dr. Shukla tomorrow, should be interesting. I will update about that tomorrow afternoon. I hope they dont weigh me, I really wanna stick to one scale. Didn't do much today though- just watched tv and took care of Brandie. Im trying to recover from this horrible cold since I have a big weekend- both going away with Rick for a night and also Alyssa's birthday party. I can't believe I have plans- I never have plans lol. I think Im going to bed early tonight because Im sick and I have to wake up early for class tomorrow. I really should start studying too because I have two tests coming up probably this week, fun. So I'll write more tomorrow but I might start updating like once or twice a week since things have been so boring lately- we shall see. buh-bye.

Today is boring. Im sick but antsy. I dont know why because I dont really feel like leaving the house at all, and I like being close to my dog- but Im still so bored. There is nothing good on tv, nothing to eat (not that I should be eating anyways), and nobody to talk to. My mom is out shopping and my brother is with his gf. My bf is running around trying to get his car fixed and going to a hockey game at UMO tonight. Everyone has something to do. Wow okay I just watched Oprah where there is a young girl who was dating this boy who enlisted right after graduation. When he was told that he was being sent to Iraq- he proposed to her and she said yes. Then 5 months after being in Iraq he got attacked by a suicide bomber and almost died. But he survived but lost an arm, both ears, nose, his entire face is deformed and burned, and his other hand looks like he is missing fingers. I would be lying if I said that it wasn't hard to look at him. But when he returned and after over 30 surgeries....she married him. She never hesitated. Now thats love. Amazing love. Thats sad and inspiring and amazing all in one. Wow. It makes me think about myself and Im not sure if I could do that. I know thats so horrible to say but it would be hard. I know that if you REALLY love someone then it shouldnt be an issue- but have I ever loved someone that much? Thats the kind of love I want. I want to have true love to that point in which it would never matter. I feel so shallow. But when I find that guy, I'll know its true love, right? ....now I have something to ponder!


    Brandie-Lynn after her bath! She looks oh so happy!! =)

I feel like CRAP today. My head hurts and I keep coughing but my throat, nose, and chest seem so dry. Go figure I had a doctors appointment yesterday. Oh well other than me being sick as hell things are looking up. Brandie comes home tonight at 6, my midterm is over and it wasn't that bad. I have two presentations coming up but Im not really worried about them right now. I got all my psych classes I wanted for next semester and Im not stressed about that anymore- I just wish I felt better! Ugh. Well 9 more days until I see Rick and 10 more days until Alyssa's birthday party. Those are things to look forward to. But the 22nd is still freaking me out. I hope it goes over well. Man I cant write anymore, Im going to lay down.

I registered for my classes today. Got one online class. I also took my midterm and it went pretty well. Thennnn I met with my PCP and she is awesome, she hugged me and told me she loves me (she is the best!)...and she said she WILL be writing me a note to the team about me having the surgery. She is very encouraging. So I have a letter from Nancy Gill (therapist) and soon from my PCP...Lauren is also writing one because she is great. So I have all my ducks in a row- I also picked up my medical records today and reading through them OMG I really really need surgery. All these health problems, I can't be properly examined because of my weight, and things just keep getting worse. My chart is so large just from the past two years and Im not even 20 yet. I want to through my medical records in Dr. Bourne's face and ask her if she can really tell me that I dont need surgery. But Im better than that and my PCP told me that if they don't approve me then its age discrimination and I should get a lawyer. Oh I will =). Instead of cancelling my appointment at NWH I will just make one for a later date. My mom is keeping hers (I think)...Well I'll write more later, Im hungry!!  

Well another person from my Fallon group got a surgery date. Lisa is scheduled for November 21st, she will still be in the hospital on thanksgiving! She is happy about that though! haha I cant wait until after my appointments this week and next so I finally get to talk with my PCP and the medical director so I can be more positive about this and get on the ball. If nobody stabs me in the back like last time then Dr. Arcand promised me that he would see me quickly after the approval and then apparently they are scheduling surgery about two weeks after consults?!? Lisa saw him the 6th and her surgery is the 21st. Amazing. So that means if I see him by the second or third week in December then school won't get in the way. Makes me excited- but things dont usually work out that smoothly for me. And I know I've gained weight SOOOO someone kick me in the ass please- THANKS!!! Well actually only 5 lbs, if that...so over the next 3 weeks I plan to lose 2 lbs a week, thats perfectly healthy and doable. Then I shouldnt have an issue by my next appointment with Laura on the 29th. Hopefully by that appointment though she wants to reschedule so I can make a pre-op appointment instead of just a regular visit. Okay well I'll write more later today- Im jammin to the dixie chicks and then i gotta go vote! Later Gator.

So Ive been somewhat avoiding this site lately. I mean I've been updating about my dog but pretty much all together I gave up on the boards and I haven't been thinking about WLS. Its just really hard focusing on it all the time. Even just being online has be driving me nuts. I have other things to deal with luckily. So I think this month is going to go by faster then I thought. I have lots of appointments and meetings this week, a midterm, dealing with my pup, shopping for little Alyssa's birthday, and reading some Nicholas Sparks books (right now The Wedding). Rick's banquet is tomorrow and then his season is over for good so we can spend more time together =) that makes me happy. I love him tons. Im pretty much overall happy right now- content with my life. I was super depressed thursday night and all day friday but things are looking up. I really love having a girl friend. I love Lauren to death and Im so thankful that I met her. This site aggravates me sometimes but I cant be too upset with it because if it wasn't for my obsession on here- we wouldn't have become such good friends. I finally have my first ADULT friend. Do you know how good that feels? Its not like- talking about boys and parties and who's wearing what- and asking parents for permission for things- Im 19 and Im not like that but still all the girls my age are...I dont get it. When my mom was my age she was living on her own and working two jobs. Its like a breath of fresh air to be friends with Lauren who is mature and has a brain in her head. I hope we stay friends- I seem to not have a problem making friends but I dont really have a track record of keeping them, its sad. lol Next subject- this week Im meeting with good ole Nancy Gill (therapist) and Im asking her to write me a note or contact Dr. Bourne to basically tell her that she met with me and that she thinks Im mature and responisble enough to make such a huge decision, and later in the week I have an appointment with my PCP and Im going to ask her to write a note or email to the team about me since she has known me for years and tell them her opinion (100% positive, she loves me), anddd next monday Im meeting with Dr. Shukla who is the medical director for the team just so that she knows who I am and so she can form her own opinion of me I guess...Im not really anticipating them like I usually would be- WLS is far from my mind right now, I guess because of the huge rejection and emtional rollercoaster that I was on at the end of the month. Dont get me wrong- Im still praying for them to freakin approve me this month so I can get on the ball here but its not my whole life right now- I realized that was SOOO not healthy. Also having thanksgiving coming up, midterms, projects for school, and other things I have other things rolling around in my head. I just cant wait for registration to be over and done with so I have that behind me. Good good. Okie dokie Im going to finish my drink and then hit the sheets early. Gotta be up bright and early for psychology class!!