Angela M.

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Hey guys! Wow I just wanna say thanks for all of the welcomes and emails Ive been recieving the past two days. You all are so great and I appreciate it so much. No matter how crappy I feel if I check my mail and there is something great in there it changes my whole mood. I love this site! haha Okay so today got started pretty slow- I woke up at 10:30 and sat around online for a while, I only had one class today, Political Science, at 1:00. Then I went ran to Walgreens and to Wendys (I only got a plain baked potato!). Then I was home for the rest of the night. I had a bad headache so I took a nap and stuff. You know- I love my boyfriend. He is my best friend. Maybe this relationship wont work out but I do know that we'll always have our friendship. He is much older than me and the most attractive thing about him is his maturity. I love him. And I really believe that he loves me. We'll see what works out. But anyways- tomorrow I have class all day (blah) but then I go to the nutritionist to be weighed in. Im excited but it kind of ruins going to JC thursday because my weight loss/gain wont be a surprise. Im hoping and praying that its a LOSS, a big one haha. But ill be happy with anything. This next week Im gonna be pretty strict and try to work out a bit more. My body wont have the initial shock of my diet so if I dont start with some physical activity I will stop losing, thats just the way it works for me. Anyways Im gonna go and I will definitely update tomorrow with my news. PRAY FOR ME (fingers crossed) PLEASE AT LEAST...2lbs...haha... XOXO

Almighty God, who has given me a wonderful body to hold my immortal soul, teach me how to live that I may keep it in health.

Let me learn the laws that govern my body, that I may not break them. Help me to regulate my appetite and passions, that they may serve you and me, in the building of my body, and not weaken it.

Give me health of mind, that my thoughts may be clean and pure. Make me love your good gifts of fresh air and cool water, and use them for your good, and the good of my body.

Help me to always keep my body fit for your service.

For Jesus' sake.

Amen.

Poop. Im down today. Actually Im pretty depressed today. For what reason? Just because Im fat probably. I stayed home from school again today- twice in two weeks. NOT GOOD. Im so lazy. The first time I was actually sick, now Im just sick in the head lol. Not really- but Ive just been feelings gross, and not like myself- then my doctor calls (I love her to death) and she tells me that my kidneys are improving BUT...but...but now I have signs of some liver problems. So I have to watch out for stuff and maybe get some liver function tests. GREAT. Just another thing. So lets add that to the list. Im 19, almost 400lbs, I have high blood pressure- bad kidneys- a liver that really wants to give up on me because Im so goddamn fat- wacky hormones- a bad cold- massive back problems- this horrid skin problem- insulin resistance... NOT COOL! Ughhh. Last night I got my period for the first time in over a year and I was actually excited- oh but its gone today. I realized that my perfect relationship maybe isnt as perfect as I thought it was, and possibly ending. (Oh GOD I hope not, I'd die.) And oh man Im pathetic. I need to stop feeling bad about myself. I get weighed in...jeez- WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY...and Im probably bloated. If I dont lose anything Ill be even more despressed. I ALWAYS LOSE WEIGHT THE FIRST WEEK AND THEN SCREW UP. Always. Hopefully this time it will be different. I Need this surgery, oh do I need it. Im too young for all this CRAP. I made a list of all the things I want to accomplish or experience when I lose weight- and there are some that I dont want to talk about but heres my list (its pretty long):
1. Have a healthy pregnancy
2. Have a healthy child.
3. Get married.
4. Reach ONEDERLAND.
5. Own a home.
6. Button/Zip my pants without sucking in.
7. Walk up stairs without losing my breath.
8. Smile more, everyday.
9. Be pain free.
10. Cross my legs.
11. Not pull and tug at my clothes.
12. Fit comfortably in a bubble bath.
13. Enjoy riding a bike.
14. Shop in a regular store.
15. Be a good mom.
16. Scuba dive.
17. Wear stiletto heels.
18. Fit into any shower or bathroom stall.
19. Fit into any restaurant table or booth.
20. Sit in a butterfly chair without fear.
21. Swing on a hammock.
22. Go skinny dipping.
23. Swim in a bathing suit- no shirt/shorts.
24. Weigh myself on a standard bathroom scale.
25. Sit on my boyfriend/fiance/husbands lap.
26. Wear a tank top.
27. Have someone hug me and not struggle to reach around me.
28. Feel sexy.
29. Wear cute underwear, all the time.
30. Be comfortable in a bra, or at least have one that fits.
31. No more blood pressure pills.
32. Go to the doctors ONCE a year.
33. Have someone not recognize me.
34. Shower easily.
35. Not be exhausted after a shower.
36. I want to be IN pictures.
37. I want to wear a button up tweed jacket.
38. Wear a pearl necklace.
39. I want to dance in front of people.
40. I want to run and dance and make out in the rain.
41. I want to be taken on a fully planned out romantic date.
42. I dont want to be hot and sweat ALL the time.
43. Lingerie.
44. I want to sit on a couch, facing forward- hugging my knees to my chest.
45. Have thighs that dont touch!
46. I want to know what it is like to see and feel my hip bones, ribs, collar bones, etc...
47. Buy and WEAR belts!
48. Share clothes with a female friend.
49. Paint my toenails.
50. Not have to pull my shirt down over my ass everytime I get up.
51. Wear knee high boots.
52. Get in and out of a two door car.
53. Have a job.
54. NO MORE ELEVATORS!
55. Have a bath towel fit around me.
56. Fit in concert seats.
57. GO HORSEBACK RIDING!!!!
58. Wear designer suits.
59. Make chokers look good.
60. Go roller skating, a lot.
61. Have someone pick me up- without breaking their back.
62. Piggy back rides!
63. BE CALLED SKINNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
67. Keep a vegetable garden.
68. Go to a million concerts.

Wow. Im dumb. lol. But cute so I can deal. Sorry for being a total drag, Ill try and cheer up before I post again. Love you all. xoxo

LATER- Im sorry about being a dork earlier. I was just feeling sorry for myself. My grams is over and she is very encouraging. She is the one paying for me to do JC and she really cant afford it but she wants the best for me. She keeps telling me that when we both get skinny she wants us to go get our belly buttons peirced together! My grams is the best, I love her. So I feel a bit better. Im still not convinved that Im gonna lose weight this week but Im pumping myself with water and not snacking, just eating my JC food. At least I know Im trying. I next really need to figure this whole relationship thing out because its bothering me so much. I dont want to believe that we could be bad for each other. I love him, and I love us. Ill figure it all out though. XOXO

Well I just got home from spending the night with my boyfriend Rick. He lives up in Maine so he came down for the night and we hung out. We didnt really do much- we were supposed to go apple picking today but we decieded against it- we are both boring. jk It was just probably PACKED there- its so hot out, like a beach day or something. Anyways so Im down 9.4lbs last week and this week started out great except last night and today I ate some things I shouldnt. They weren't super bad things but they werent JC. Im getting back on track starting NOW- not "monday" like most dieters say lol. I need to have 15lbs off in the next four weeks. My biggest thing about being fat is that I dont feel girly. Im sick of looking in the mirror and feeling manly. Its so gross. I LOVE FASHION. I want to wear pearls and suits and designer clothes. Im big on makeup and hair- but Im just so damn lazy. I go to school looking like a bum. I know after surgery when the weight starts really coming off Ill put in more effort because Ill feel better about myself but until then Im at a standstill. Tomorrow starts another week at school. I really have to be good. I have to drink lots and lots of water and find something to keep me busy in the evenings. I will be so disapointed with myself if I dont lose this week. Anything over ONE pound and Ill be sooooo happy. Ive never lost more then 7lbs. I go down 7 and then start eating like crazy again. I decieded that I have no will power outside the house so I cant go out with Rick for the next couple of weeks. It sucks but he needs to save up some money anyways. About 3-4 more weeks until our anniversary so maybe we wont see each other until that weekend. Then Ill have lost much more then I ever have and he'll be really supportive so we will be really good. I DESERVE IT! I have to keep telling myself that. Yep yep...until later.... XOXOXO

Be patient with me as I change my profile over from old version to beta version, thanks!!
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Now let me tell you- I have a VERY VERY supporting and understanding boyfriend. He is a jock- he coaches for a living- plays EVERY sport and can run miles and miles. RIDICULOUS!! But he also has food issues and although he is in shape he struggles every day to keep it that way. We share a lot with eating habbits, recipes, and general support. He knows everything and has been here every step of the way. I love him to death. Rick is my best friend, always will be. I just joined Jenny Craig because its the one weight loss plan that I have never tried and honestly- I love it. Just by chance my consultant at JC had WLS 3 years ago and she is amazing. I love her to death. She is so inspiring and just...amazing. Im feel so blessed to have met her at this point in my life. I think the JC food is awesome and it fits right into my schedule for school, and plus- I feel like Im ALWAYS eating. But I lost 9.4lbs in my first week- and I never stopped eating and blah...never worked out. So thats 15 more to go before I can get approved for surgery! Almost there kiddies! Im getting an official weigh in with my nutritionist on the 20th of Sept and then I dont meet with them again until the 19th of Oct but Im hoping to schedule an official weigh in probably the 11th because the team only meets once a month and if I can lose 15lbs between now and then Ill be all set. So that gives me about 4 weeks. About 3.5lbs a week. DOABLE. (at my weight) So I get back together with my behavioral group on the 25th and I just cant wait to tell them how great Ive been doing, its been a long hard summer. I feel like Ive finally got things together and I really need to keep it up. Ive been so proud of myself!! Next- I just like to make some friends out here!!!!

I just threw up and there was blood in it. Not good.. hospital tonight or doctors tomorrow.