Angela M.

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Well Im home. Im doing pretty good except for coughing up lots of mucus, not sure if its a chest cold or from the anesthesia but its really annoying. I've been tolerating liquids well and I havent taken any pain meds since early yesterday morning when they took out my IV. Ive been up moving around but I do get tired really quick. So far so good. I'll write more later.

Today I was on clear liquids. I had two cups of tea, cranberry juice, water, jello, and broth. It wasnt bad at all, I could've survived on less. I wont be saying that probably when I get home but oh well. My mom went and bought me a case of Isopure, its a mixed case so I have a bunch of different flavors. I got my bag all packed and my clothes layed out. I also straightened my hair and got my room ready for when Im home. I have like 20 pillows on my bed and my brothers huge body pillow. I even put the heated mattress pad on...its lovely! I wish my hospital bed was like this, oh mannn. haha

I got so many nice messages and comments from a bunch of people and I just wanted to express how much they all mean to me. I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people that care about me. I wish I could spend the time to write back to each and every one of them but I just couldnt, I dont know why and I feel bad about it...like mentally I've been blocking this out so much and I dont know what to say when people bring it up with me, its so weird. But I do read every message and I save them, I treasure and appreciate each and every one. Thank you all. I love you guys!!

So this is the last post before I leave, Im going to rest and then we are heading out arond 6am. I guess I am the first surgery of the day!! Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, Im sooo nervous. I will write as soon as I can when Im home. The laptop is right next to my bed so hopefully I'll post the first day Im home. LOVE YOUUUU xO*

* She dont sensor any thoughts inside her head, she just has to get them out, cant shut her mouth! * ((Crazy//Beautiful))

Well its 1am so that means TOMORROW is surgery day!! As of midnight tonight I am on clear liquids and I must admit that the transition was hard. Its like before I came up to my bedroom tonight I wanted to make sure there wasnt something good I was missing in the fridge, pathetic. I didnt pig out though, almost! Tomorrow my diet will consist of lime jello, water, tea, and broth. It wont be so hard because I do have a bunch of things to do. The hospital is supposed to call between 2-7 to tell me what time to arrive at the hospital. Me and my mom are going to go shopping sometime after that and buy some Isopure drinks, I decided that Im going to make my jello with isopure instead of water and that way I will have protein-jello! My mom took the week off from work but she is going back saturday night and my grams is going to stay over that night and help me out. Im sure I will be fine- I was worried about sleeping in my bed when I come home but I just remembered that my brother has this huge fluffy body pillow and he loves me so maybe he will let me use it! I also already have ten million pillows in my bed so I should be fine, but my room is on the 2nd floor...so is the bathroom so as long as Im fine with the stairs eventually I'll be okay. SCHOOL STARTS TODAY TOO! I totally freakin forgot about that, I havent thought about school in forever. 

Okay I almost forgot, today was my last pre-op testing. First I left early and went to Miraculous Creations and had my tragus peircing removed (per hospital orders, blah!)..then I arrive at the hospital at 1 so I went and registered, signed tons of papers, got a bunch of stupid "patients rights & responsibilities" pamphlets and then got my blood drawn to have my type crossed and matched in case anything happens...they gave me this stupid ugly bright orange bracelet that I cant take off (as far as they know....) but the nurse threatend that if I take it off they will have to redo it but pshhh its been off for hours and they wont know a thing (Im a rebel!). Then I met with anesthesia and they were SOOO nice in there! My favorite pre-op appointment yet. She just explained a bunch of things and told me what to expect. She put a few fears at ease and looked down my throat for two seconds. The only thing that irritated me was that at every place I went they have me sign papers and then just told me "unfortunately you'll have to sign these again when you come wednesday..." sooo uhm why the hell am I signing them NOW? Dumbasses. 

I decided that to the hospital I am only going to bring the following: chapstick, brush, iPod, pillow, and phone numbers. My mom will bring me clothes to go home in and the hospital will provide a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodarent...and whatever else I need. Hopefully I dont start my period, yuck.

Thats covers mostly everything about the hospital. I stopped at Lauren's for a bit afterwards because it was going to be the last time I saw her before surgery. She is such a great friend. She says she is going to come over a lot this week to visit with me, I really hope she does! =) Oh yea and visit her page if you need any updates on my cute butt while Im in the hospital! http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/lauren1979/ But Im pretty sure she will update to my surgery support page, she is more excited/nervous/happy about this then I am...strange!

But this STILL doesnt feel real to me. I cant grasp the fact that I am going under the knife and that my life is going to drastically change. It seems so weird, I've spent way too long living it through everyone else that I just cant see it for myself. I wonder when it will hit me, hopefully when Im already in the bed with the IV meds being pumped into me. Or maybe I will just wake up from surgery and go from there, who knows! Just pray for me everyone PUHLEASEEE. I will be busy today so I may update sometime late tomorrow night because we all know I wont be sleeping. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers!!! 

Okay I used to say that I hated the boards...because my skin is TOO thin for people's pointless critiques...but today I fell in love with the Jan 07 board. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has sent me messages, responded to my posts, or posted to my surgery support page in the last few days. You are all wonderful and amazing people and I thank God that I've made so many connections during this journey, you have all helped me in a huge way. Everyone is in my thoughts and prayers as we all embark on this excited journey together, God Bless!

...More Later

Yeahhhhhh so I just got my physical activity for the day!!! My cat found a mouse in our living room- so for the past hour I have been running from it and screaming and jumping on furnitue as my brother has been chasing it and trying to capture it. I'm moving out...

Damn Im not exactly getting "excited"...just antsy, yes I think thats the right word. I just want it done and over with. But I must admitt that my mind is getting screwy, I have to be realistic...I keep thinking that this is like REALLY going to change my life, like in the sense of I'll spend 3 days in the hospital and then come home skinny...UHMM REALITY CHECK PLEASE- I will probably be miserable for the next couple months as I struggle to adjust to a new way of life and slowly but surely get skinnier. But its hard to wrap my mind around that, and I need to quick because that will make the early post op days that much easier. I have been web searching and I SOOOO decided that this summer I am going to Kenney Chesney's Flip Flop Stadium 2007 Summer tour!! There are going to be a ton of other people there including Sarah Evans. Its at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, tickets go on sale Feb 10th. Maybe Lauren can come with me!! The date isnt released on ticketmaster yet but I think its July 28th, Im blackmailing mommy dearest to either take me or just buy me two tickets and I'll decide who to take when it gets closer. It will be SOOO nice to go to a concert and actually fit in the seats! I will be 6 months post-op by then, yippeeee what a great gift! 

So back to the general topic: WLS. I decided tonight that there are many horrible parts of my body that I hate but there are also a few that I like, fat and all. What happens if after surgery I hate my body more than I do now? I mean Im fat all over but at least Im firm and curvy- what happens when I start losing weight and Im just flabby and saggy? That will be so depressing. I guess I have to keep focused on the bigger picture and realize that my health is improving greatly with every pound Im losing and in the long run things will even out in my head. I will have to remember to keep looking back at my pre-op parts of my journal and remember how I felt right now. 

Last supper syndrome: I tried to deny it for the last week but I can no longer. I caught a bad case. Its so strange though, if you asked me something Im craving right now I couldnt tell you not even one thing. Sweets sound gross and salty fried foods make me dry heave. So what gives? I can still shove this stuff down my throat in gross amounts. I ate a whole package of oreos and McDonalds multiple times (uhm hello Super Size Me, I hate McDonalds!)...Im pathetic. Tonight I even had my favorite kind of Ben & Jerry's and I didnt even enjoy it...mind you that stuff got me through my freshman year, I lived off it everytime I had roommate drama (uhm every other night)...and it did nothing for me tonight, I was actually glad when it was gone. So I wish my brain/hands would catch up with my tastebuds...I am just not finding much pleasure in my favorite foods anymore (thank God) so maybe Im just preparing myself for surgery. Thats how I have to look at it and stop shoving GROSS tasting food in my face. Im on clear liquids tuesday so that only leaves two eating days left. Im planning healthy meals, pshh and I'll be too busy to over-indulge anyways.  

I posted a Theme Song Challege on the Jan 07 message board tonight, I cant wait to see people's responses. Im listening to music now and I think Broken by Lindsey Haun is my top pick of the moment. By the way see the movie Broken Bridges with Toby Keith, Kelly Preston, and Lindsey Haun...its awesome. I went to the movies tonight with my mom and we saw Dream Girls (her choice) and it really wasnt that great in my opinion but pshh what do I know anyways, its going to win Picture of the Year. 

Sundays Schedule: Wake up between 2-4pm (yeah yeah I know...) and do laundry, clean my room, shower, eat, WATCH 24!!!! Meaning nobody disturb me tomorrow before 10pm. This week kicks ass with shows. 24 is on sun & mon, The Hills is on mon night, and tues is The Real Housewives of Orange County...awesome awesome!! Prison break comes back next week. Pretty freakin sweet deal!

Okay...ciao loves ♥

I just watched Oprah and she was showing again the follow-up with Jill Roberts, the 20 year old blonde girl who had gastric-bypass surgery. It has been two years since her surgery and she has lost over 170lbs I think she said. I saw this episode but I never really paid much attention to it because I was at Lauren's house last time it was on but I really watched it today and I almost cried. She looked so beautiful and Oprah was right when she said that the girl was like a whole new person just in the way she carried herself and the energy she gave off. She seemed so confident and happy. I cant help but wonder if I'll be like that. It scared me when she said that she was so sad and angry after surgery and she cried for 3 months straight. If anyone goes through that it will definitely be me, I have always been on an emotional rollercoaster. I guess its best that Im prepared for it though. I just hope that I end up as radiant as she was. Maybe I can be an inspiration for others when I am at goal. 

But as far as goal goes...I already keep lowering my ideal goal weight. When I first started this I said I wanted to be 160, then over the past year I said I wanted to be 150, recently I decided on 145...but yesterday I figured hey I can make it to 140...AND IM STILL PRE-OP!! I've heard of people doing this as they surpass their goals but cmon I havent even started yet. That brings me to my second topic. I AM YOUNG! I will be having surgery before I am 20 years old and I know I will be at whatever goal I set before I am 22. I dont know what the skin issue will be at that point but I know that I will have an arm problem at least...and I dont want a body that I'll still hate and be ashamed of. Call me vain but whatever. I know that at least I wont be obese and I will be so much healthier but I want to wear tank tops and a bikini eventually. I never got to in my life. Thats right- I have NEVER worn a tank top without a sweatshirt over it, ever. So do I get plastics? And if so, where do I stop? The two things I will definitely allow myself are the arms like I already said and also a breast lift. For someone who had saggy boobs at the very early age of 8...it will be needed!! I hope the rest of my skin doesnt cause me too much grief...I wont be too picky- I'll just work very very hard at the gym. Im not going to lie, since this is my journal and if people dont like it then they dont have to read it...I DO want the perfect body. Always have. Im not saying Victoria's Secret Angels perfect, I mean my somewhat realistic idea of perfect. I want to be a stunning example of an "after" girl. I guess that dream can only be achieved with tons of vitamins, water, protien, and gym time. I will do it. I promise myself.

Okay well Im either going to take a nap or return some phone calls. Maybe I'll write more later tonight. Greys Anatomy is new tonight and that is like the second best show in the world, watch it! Ciao lovess. ♥

So I just made a collage of the before pictures I already took and then some I found from over the past year, when I was at my highest weight. That wasnt SO bad. Then I took new ones after I got out of the shower just wearing pants and a bra...and ohmyfreakingawd!!! I always knew I was fat but cmon...I have a HUMP on the back of my neck that is the size of a loaf of bread. I hope I lose that FIRST, what are the chances? Oh man its like 20lbs just sitting on the back on my neck. I took pics at angles that I usually dont see....like from behind and I was shocked. How did I allow myself to get like this? NEVER AGAIN!! Im completely disgusted with myself. I am absolutely NOT posting those pictures on here until I am at least 50lbs less. I also never noticed how gross my face looks from the side, its so fat that it almost looks flat. Thank God I wont be back in school until next semester so that gives me like 8 months before anyone has to see me again. I like never want to leave the house again after I saw those- how do people find me attractive? Oh well at least I know that it cant get any worse from here and the next couple of months will be spent undoing all this damage I did to my beautiful beautiful body. Oh mannnn. Taata!

(85 hours until the season premier of 24!!!)

Well today was...interesting. I went to nutrition and weighed in at 345. I said goodbye to McDonalds, Chinese Food, Cheesecake, Burritos, Oreos, and Chips. No moreeee. If I always remember the stuffed feeling I have right now I will never want foods like that again. Im not saying I ate all that tonight but seriously, you have no idea. I just feel gross. Im NOT pigging out this week before surgery. Ive been thinking more and more about the actual surgery and possible complications and its freaking me out more and more but oh well. I have to do this for me. Well kiddies Im exhaustedddd. Ciao!

Its not quite midnight yet and I actually plan on sleeping tonight (yea wow a first I know)...so I figured Id check in now. I babysat for Alyssa today and it was really easy, she is such a good baby...and adorable as hell. Makes me want my own! haha Not quite yet. Then I came home and talked to my mom for a bit and then cuddled up in my bed with Brandie-Lynn and took a short nap. Didnt really do too much after that. Today was a very lazy day and Im hoping for tomorrow to be the same (but to go by super fast) because wednesday needs to get here and leave. Today I ate a piece of cheesecake at Lauren's (she is like the cheesecake queen I swear) and then at home I had a bit of peanut butter, a piece of deli turkey, 3 unsalted pretzels, and a can of progresso split pea soup. I think I did pretty good. Im fasting tomorrow. I mean it! I drank so much water tonight and it feels good. Tomorrow is WATER ONLY...I always so that but I never end up doing that. We shall see. I need to have some willpower. I cant believe I keep doing this to myself....

Today the scale said 349, it NEEDS to say at least 347 by wednesday, which it will. It still doesnt feel real that my surgery is just a little over a week away. I dont think it will feel real until Im strapped to the table! Im hoping for a uneventful surgery and a speedy recovery. Im so scared of being put under but Im slowing dealing with the thought. Im sooo nervous! I have complete faith in God that I will be fine, if he brings you to it then he'll bring you through it, thats my philosophy! Well this is just a short post I gotta hit the sheets since Im babysitting for Alyssa in the morning!! Ciao loves.