Some realizations this week

Aug 16, 2012

 I sometimes wonder where the hell i get my motivation from. I'm more than 2 years into this journey, and even though ive had many ups and downs, and many dark days where I felt completely lost and hopeless, I have always managed to pick myself back up. 

I realized that this has really been the most amazing thing about myself - i am very resilent. When I think about the fact that I came from a very poor, uneducated, dysfunctional and mentally ill family - I realize how much ive had to overcome to become a successful lawyer. And I remember 2 years ago when I started this process - I remember why I did this. 

I had accomplished so much with my life, but my weight and my inability to control my eating overshadowed everything. I never knew what it was like to feel proud of myself despite all that I had done because I was filled with so much shame and humiliation about my weight. I was disgusted with myself for feeling like I lacked basic self control. So when I set out on this journey, it was really for me more about taking control of my life and overcoming the one barrier that stood between me and happiness.  I was tired of feeling out of control, hopeless, desperate, feeling like I was on the fast track to my death bed all because I couldnt use some self control. I know my issues with food are deep, i know that I have a lot to work on and struggle with for the rest of my life, but I am proving to myself that I can do this -that I do have the strength and I am not a failure. 

And it keeps me going. A couple weeks ago after a weekend long binge - I was back in that dark spot. I felt so hopeless, like sucha failure, like I was doomed. And then I remembered that this was a journey to take control of my life and giving up just was not an option. And I pulled myself out of it. And ive been doing great since then. So ultimately, its not about the weight loss but keeping control and getting my whole life straightened out. I am slowly starting to forget what it felt like to be 420 lbs, but I will never forget that horrible deep dark feeling of doom I felt in July 2 2010 when I decided I had to do something to save my life. And being able to recall that feeling pushes me every day because it was the worst feeling ive ever experienced. 

I am so close to my goal, and Im really starting to believe its going to happen. I still have some doubts but my confidence is at least going up at this point. 

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