Mar 04, 2013
Im such a wreck these days. Ivee returned to all my bad habits - fast food, sugar, junk - binging. Fuck. I am really having a hard time emotionally and am self medicating in a big way.
I am seeking help but it will be a long road. Ive put on some weight, and I am so upset and disappointed in myself. But, I don't think I'm ready to give up yet - I know I have a long tough battle ahead of me but as I approach my 2 year date, I know I need to get myself together.
Up until today, I had not had a single drop of soda/diet soda. I was really proud of myself, but I had a diet soda today. It felt weird in my stomach, and I was nervous, but I think this will help me stay on track. I drank tons of diet soda before surgery while i was losing weight as an alternative to eating, and I think it was part of the reason I was able to lose weight. Now that I have started eating cake, cookies, chocolate....I have no real reason to avoid diet sodas anymore. It;'s not like im living a healthy life style so I have resumed my diet soda habit.
In the midst of a couple week long binge, my back went out. This pain in unbearable, but I think it's the universe's way of telling me this is exactly where I am heading if I choose to keep eating like this and keep gaining weight. It's a reminder of the pain and discomfort of being 420 lbs - so I will heed this lesson and try and get the weight back off.
So from this point forward, there is absolutely no more fast food, and no more cookies/cakes/pies/desserts for a while. I will allow myself one treat a week but a planned one, and not something that will be able to trigger me.
This process is so hard. Ive had to take a break from OH because im tired of all the newbies going around claiming they have changed ttheir lives, they will never go back to their bad habits, how great life is, how easy this is ...blah blah blah. I saw a few posts with some really weird comments from some pre-op and newbies (ie less than 3 months post op) expressing their disbelief at how vets could gain weight post VSG. Here's a warning - it took me about 19 months before I collapsed. We are never safe nor "cured".
But, as always, I will never give up.