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They named a burger after me at Jack N the Box - the Hot Mess burger. Perhaps to some people's horror - I do actually intend on trying this one day. I think I have to...it's named after me.

Fortunately, I'm not much of a hot mess at the moment. Ive calmed down, collected myself, and on to a better track.

Last week I did almost all liquids. It got me out of "emergency" mode and back down to the "i'm just going to freak out a little" mode in terms of the scale. But it got me back in control a little so I have more clarity about what a real emergency is.

My BF came home this weekend for a short visit before he leaves for his deployment next Sunday. It was a rough weekend because I'm all kinds of sad, disappointed and anxious about this relationship and him leaving. For the most part, I stuck to my shakes, but the evenings were hard because we had to have dinner together (i wasnt going to be a total asshole and leave him hanging for dinner lol). I ate decently, but having serious issues with portion control and over stuffed myself. I think that may be related to the fact that I just miss eating food at this point. As I transition back to eating normally that may be less of an issue.

 

Hopefully I'll stay focused for a while as I start training for my next 1/2 marathon.

 

Im such a wreck these days. Ivee returned to all my bad habits - fast food, sugar, junk - binging. Fuck. I am really having a hard time emotionally and am self medicating in a big way. 

I am seeking help but it will be a long road. Ive put on some weight, and I am so upset and disappointed in myself. But, I don't think I'm ready to give up yet - I know I have a long tough battle ahead of me but as I approach my 2 year date, I know I need to get myself together. 

Up until today, I had not had a single drop of soda/diet soda. I was really proud of myself, but I had a diet soda today. It felt weird in my stomach, and I was nervous, but I think this will help me stay on track. I drank tons of diet soda before surgery while i was losing weight as an alternative to eating, and I think it was part of the reason I was able to lose weight. Now that I have started eating cake, cookies, chocolate....I have no real reason to avoid diet sodas anymore. It;'s not like im living a healthy life style so I have resumed my diet soda habit. 

In the midst of a couple week long binge, my back went out. This pain in unbearable, but I think it's the universe's way of telling me this is exactly where I am heading if I choose to keep eating like this and keep gaining weight. It's a reminder of the pain and discomfort of being 420 lbs - so I will heed this lesson and try and get the weight back off. 

So from this point forward, there is absolutely no more fast food, and no more cookies/cakes/pies/desserts for a while. I will allow myself one treat a week but a planned one, and not something that will be able to trigger me. 

This process is so hard. Ive had to take a break from OH because im tired of all the newbies going around claiming they have changed ttheir lives, they will never go back to their bad habits, how great life is, how easy this is ...blah blah blah. I saw a few posts with some really weird comments from some pre-op and newbies (ie less than 3 months post op) expressing their disbelief at how vets could gain weight post VSG. Here's a warning - it took me about 19 months before I collapsed. We are never safe nor "cured". 

But, as always, I will never give up. 

Wow, 18 months since my surgery. That's just ...insane. And to think that this journey has just began...I have a long life ahead of me, and there's nothing more exciting than to think that after 28 years of morbid obesity, I will continue living as a normal sized person. That whole thought blows my mind. it is still a very weird feeling to be small. 

Even with all of the demons I am battling in my head, the last couple months have been simply amazing. 

I accomplished a crazy life long dream - I ran a 1/2 marathon at the end of October in 2:44. That gave me an average pace somewhere in the 12 mi/mile range. Holy fucking shit. I mean, in July 2010, I couldnt walk a WHOLE MILE. My first mile took me 26 minutes. And here I am, I ran 13 miles, and my average pace was around 12 mins. That whole though just amazes me and is very humbling. I worked very hard to get to this point, and while I could stop and convince myself that I am too slow, etc blah blah blah, the progress speaks for itself. This is by far one of the hardest things ive worked for and accomplished. The weekly challenge to train, to force myself out of bed at 5am to go run, to force myself to fuel my body appropriately, to take care of my body to prevent injuroes - it all paid off the minute I crossed the start and finish line that day. 

Two weeks after accomplishing that goal, I underwent extensive plastic/reconstructive surgery. Wow. I had an arm lift, breast lift/implants, a LBL, and a thigh lift. I am now 3 weeks post op from that and I am happy. I dont hate my body, I dont hate the excess skin. I dont recognize myself right now - I am in a body that Ive never seen before, but I sure love it. It's been quite the experience - I have a whole separate blog dedicated to that process - www.sexyskinnybitch.wordpress.com. 

I am battling food demons right now - emotional eating stemming from major boredom and anxiety from the recovery process. I am trying to get a handle on this right now - it will be a life long struggle but I have the tools to do this. I refuse to let myself go backwards right now, I have definitely worked too hard to give in to these demons 

I am looking forward to the next 6 months when I can celebrate my 2 year date - I will be at my goal, and I hope to be kicking off a life ling maintenance plan by then. I have no idea what my goal weight is yet - that's the goal for the next 6 months, to figure that out. I think I could live at 170, which means I have 20 lbs to shed, but i will take it a couple lbs at a time. 

 Ive been sooo up and down lately. To say ive been struggling - that would be an understatement. Myfitnesspal just forced me to look at the reality that ive basically  been in maintenance now for close to 3 months. Ouch. 

I have so many issues that for today, im not going to go into them because it's a rare "up" kind of day. 

It struck me yesterday while flying that I am a normal sized person - and in fact, am probably smaller than the "normal" avg American now. I dont know if I'll say I'm skinny because I have way to much excess skin to say that - but I FEEL like a skinny bitch, and at this moment in time, that's all that really matters to me. I feel strong and healthy. 

I was looking forward to travelling for a week because I thought hey - this actually gives me an excuse to eat like crap. Score!! I mean, ive been eating like crap, but feeling guilty. I was totally going to come to ATL, eat like crap and not feel guilty. After feeling like such a skinny bitch while flying, I decided against that option. I have not caved in to the many temptaions that are here. I went and stocked up on water, powerade zero, tuna, greek yogurt, beef jerky, and my one splurge - apple slices. I brought my blender tlo for myfavorite treat - chike iced protein coffee!! I dont care about weight loss right now - I just want to be the the healthy skinny bitch that I realized I am yesterday. Sooo, cookies, and bagels, and junk....get lost!

I hve less than 6 weeks now until Plastics. While I am still scared, I am more excited than anything. Now that - in the last 3-4 weeks - I have come to terms with my actual size (and im not all the way there - just making progress) all i want is to get this skin off so I can see the real me. I might be struggling now, and it makes me hesistate for a minute about whether I should actually proceed with PS at this point, but I need to do this, and damn it, regardless of being a big fuck up for the last 3 months, I have earned the right to look good, and I deserve this. 

 It seems kind of crazy that time goes by so quick. I wish I could say I was at goal. I wish I knew what my goal was. Well, actually I do - I suppose I will be at goal at whatever weight I can run 13 miles and live to tell about. So that's that. I'm going to train my butt off and pray that I can finish the 13 miles...and then, I will declare myself to be at goal. Because otherwise, I'm chasing a number that doesn't exist. So with some luck, 10/29 will be the day I reach goal. 

I went through a really big funk last week - but as always, come Sunday, I am done. That's my safety net that I have used over and over for the last 15 months. But let me say, I was OUT OF CONTROL before then. Eating 2500-2800 cal/day. WTF. I guess there is something to say about the fact that I tracked all of that...every bite? I think it might be the one thing that keeps me iin a lttle bit of control -from totally falling off the deep end. 

Either way, I'm back on track. Still running. Back to watching my calories. Back in control. And most importantly, off the scale. I weighed in Monday, put the scale away, and it's been in the closet since then. I weighed in at the docs which was a little bit of a relief, but I'm not getting on my scale for as long as possible, because the number no longer matters - im not longer chasing that number. I will run - run more and more miles and chase my goal that way. 

Whenever I need to find a way to end my funk - I really have to go back to the beginning - and remember what it felt like to be so out of control, sitting on my couch at 420 lbs. The pain of being that heavy - physically, emotionally, mentally - i never want to feel that again. I totally lost it when I gained 11 lbs in 2 weeks, and went back over 200, but I realied pretty quick that it was still a far fetch from 420 lbs and that if I wanted to continue to eat like a pig, I was going to very quickly end up back at 420. So, I revered that trnd. 

Im looking forward to ATL soon, the Rock N  Roll half, and finally PS in November. 

 Ive been struggling hard core, but hanging in there. 

I ran another 10k yesterday and amazingly ran the whole thing. I needed a solid run to give me a confidence boost for my 1/2 training. Mission accomplished. While I was running, I thought back to the very first time I completed a single loop at the Rose Bowl - it took me 53 minutes (for a 5k distance). But, it took me weeks to get it done. I used to go with my nephew and we'd always start, but id always get blisters and we only would make it  mile or two.

But now, I ran two loops - 10k - in 1:11:30. It was a good pace for me as a not quite runner - I'm getting there but my pace is still in the range of most casual joggers. Not that I care because this is my journey and as long as I get to the finish, that's all that will matter'                 

Running is really giving me a good perspective on my life right now - its hard as hell, but when I do it, I get such a rush. It takes a lot of dedication, commitment, mental toughness that ive never had to pull before. So, it's helping me with the rest of my life because I can't go and be so committed to the running and give up on the rest of my life. 

Hopefully once I get out of my current funk (i only get 1 more day of being in a funk haha) I'll get back on my two feet and keep working on my issues. 

 I sometimes wonder where the hell i get my motivation from. I'm more than 2 years into this journey, and even though ive had many ups and downs, and many dark days where I felt completely lost and hopeless, I have always managed to pick myself back up. 

I realized that this has really been the most amazing thing about myself - i am very resilent. When I think about the fact that I came from a very poor, uneducated, dysfunctional and mentally ill family - I realize how much ive had to overcome to become a successful lawyer. And I remember 2 years ago when I started this process - I remember why I did this. 

I had accomplished so much with my life, but my weight and my inability to control my eating overshadowed everything. I never knew what it was like to feel proud of myself despite all that I had done because I was filled with so much shame and humiliation about my weight. I was disgusted with myself for feeling like I lacked basic self control. So when I set out on this journey, it was really for me more about taking control of my life and overcoming the one barrier that stood between me and happiness.  I was tired of feeling out of control, hopeless, desperate, feeling like I was on the fast track to my death bed all because I couldnt use some self control. I know my issues with food are deep, i know that I have a lot to work on and struggle with for the rest of my life, but I am proving to myself that I can do this -that I do have the strength and I am not a failure. 

And it keeps me going. A couple weeks ago after a weekend long binge - I was back in that dark spot. I felt so hopeless, like sucha failure, like I was doomed. And then I remembered that this was a journey to take control of my life and giving up just was not an option. And I pulled myself out of it. And ive been doing great since then. So ultimately, its not about the weight loss but keeping control and getting my whole life straightened out. I am slowly starting to forget what it felt like to be 420 lbs, but I will never forget that horrible deep dark feeling of doom I felt in July 2 2010 when I decided I had to do something to save my life. And being able to recall that feeling pushes me every day because it was the worst feeling ive ever experienced. 

I am so close to my goal, and Im really starting to believe its going to happen. I still have some doubts but my confidence is at least going up at this point. 

 Some days, I think life is great, and it couldnt get any better. And then I have moments where I realize it can get better!

I had a moment tonight in a kick boxing class where I saw this light - I had this reflection and flashback of sorts where i feel like I have just entered a whole new world. I thought back to mostly Jr High and HS - I remember that I use to DREAD, i mean DREAD, ever having to go to PE class. Running days used to leave me with cold sweats and just pure terror. I dont think I ever ran a whole mile in my life before I graduated from HS. Even though I played tennis, I couldnt run. (funny really). I had a few specific flashbacks to sitting in my math class and every single day I would be so distracted thinking about having to go to my next class- i could never focus because Id be having serious anxiety/panic about having to go to PE. I cant even remember how many injuries/illnesses I faked just to get out of as many running days as I could. I heard all the voices from all the cruel kids that would taunt me as they passed me for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time on the running track. 

And tonight, when I had all of these thoughts - I realized I was having a moment where I was praying for a running break from the tough conditioning drills we were doing. I realized I was in better shape than some of these skinny people even though it was my first class. I wanted to cry at first when I realized this. The thought of being told to run excited me, it no longer tormented me. This was a huge weight lifted off me - I think some of these memories have fueled my athletic endeavors - I have lived as an obese kid, teen, and adult, and I have never experienced this kind of freedom. But instead of crying, I had the biggest smile on my face as I pushed myself harder than I have in a long time - the burn was great. I was living in the moment - it was such a light feeling - hard to explain but it was absolutely beyond amazing. I am NOT that obese child being ridciuled and terroized by the thought of having to run. I am strong, I am fit, and I am free. 

I am trying to get my head around this. I, formerly 420 lbs, NOW weigh 199. It's a little unreal. Good thing I took a picture :)

It's been quite the journey up until this point. I've lost a shit load of weight. I've lost more than some of these people here getting surgery weighed to begin....Ive lost more than an adult person - ive lost an obese one at that !

Being closer to goal - this will hopefully push me a bit. Ive been struggling a lot - people don't realize that as much as ive changed physically, there is an equal, if not greater change psychologically. I often feel alone, burried in a deep hole because I feel isolated because of the mental struggles. People look at me like I should be happy all the time, in a permanent state of excitement and thrills because after all, ive accomplished such a huge feat. And while I am - I also have to deal with everything else- hating my now deflated body, feeling trapped in a body I dont want to be in, dealing with food/scale/coffee addiction (haha yes, I said coffee - its a problem now :-p), constantly worried about reaching some arbitrary goal, etc. People just dont understand and that just compounds the problem. Every time I try to talk about it and I get the "bitch, you are crazy" response, it just pushes me away more. Maybe I'm dealing with some anxiety/depression issues but ive just been down...down in the dumps for the last couple months. I'm attempting to get some help, but as much as I dont understand myself, neither do doctors.

But, I am strong. I'm a fighter and I'm not quitting. I will reach my goal, I will get my plastic surgery (date set, money in the bank, time off from work -done!) and I will be one hot skinny bitch next year. I'm going to spend the next few months hopefully getting some help for my head before I change my body once again so I can enjoy life to the fullest.

This should be a celebratory day - but I'm using it as a day of reflection, and planning. I need to get my head out of the sand, and get to work!

I am so grateful for all of my friends here, humbled by the inspiration ive been able to give to others, and optimistic for the months to come.

Even a year out - i still feel obsessed with the scale, even more so than early on. I am 20 lbs from my pre-plastics goal, but it's really hard now to get the weight off. I get on/off the scale multiple times a day. It drives me crazy. Really really crazy. I go workout and think that some how the scale will magically reward me and go down and all it does is go up - DUH.

So, because every action I take - to eat, to drink - the quanitity, the quality - to exercise, how long, how hard is all connected to my obsessive thoughts about the scale - time for the scale to retire for a period of time.

I'm starting with the idea that I will go one whole month without the scale and focus on making decisions because those decisions are healthy and the right thing to do in my new life style - not because i think they will make the scale go down. I need to reframe my thinking and while i am going to be continuing to try and lose weight because I have to and want to - and will be tracking and limiting my calories - that's not going to be the center of my universe.

It's a start. It's going to be a long process, but gotta start somewhere.

Even if I only make it 1-2 weeks right now, it's ok - baby steps. But the goal is a month :)