acbbrown

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I'm starting Kaiser's 12 week program. I know that time will fly, but I've been really stressed out about it. I know that I can follow the program, and lose some weight before surgery, i've done it before, but I'm filled with a lot of doubt, I feel doomed, and am freaking out for the last couple days.

Fortuntely, I've been through harder times than this, and I know it's just one foot in front of the other for a while until I really start to change my life, so here it goes.

So Kaiser denied my request to skip the options program. They said I had no need to. I sent a letter with all my health problems (bad/arthritic knees, stress fractures in my feet, back pain, etc....) and the review committee denied it b/c none of my health problems were substantiated. All b/c i'm new to Kaiser SO CAL. All of my records for the last ten years are in Nor Cal. The guy basically called me a liar.

And to top it off, my PCP didnt write a single complaint down during my physical, so when they reviewed the only medical record I had, they said I had no problems.

I'm being a little ungrateful and impatient bitch, but I'll get over it. I had a little melt down (mostly just b/c the way the denial was framed that I was lying) and had a little binge (and surprise surprise, didnt make me feel any better so what was the point).

I'll do the program, and time will go by fast. But UGHHHH I hate you Kaiser.

Today my grievance was reviewed to determine whether they will allow me to skip the program. I called at 3, and the lady (who is shockingly very nice to me) said they should get the answer today.

Still waiting......AHHHHHHH.

I guess there will be an update soon, but until then, I'm just going to try and not go crazy.

I filed a grievance after advice I got from this great website. I want to bypass the 12 week program. I got a call today and the lady from Kaiser told me that they will have a decision by Wednesday when the committee meets. She took my preferences for what hospital I want (i was tempted to just yell "whatever one has the soonest opening) but then opted for LA since I don't really want to travel to San Diego.

Surgery might be closer than I though :) I'm excited again, and I only have less than a week to wait to find out.

However, Kaiser's sleep study center is F&*^%$ RIDICULOUS. They keep calling and leaving VM for me to call back and set up an appointment. For days, whenever I call - no answer. Goes to message machine. UGHHH. I'm tired all the time - i really need this appt.

I don't really like to wait. Patience is not my strong point, even as much as I try.

I go back and forth between being irritated that I have to wait so long with Kaiser, to being glad that I have a chance to take it slow. SuCKSSS.

So this morning, after reading a post about a Kaiser member who got the options program waived, I submitted a greivance with Kaiser to waive the program. And I read some cases and decisions from DHMC, so I hope this works out. I'd love to skip the 12 week program that doesnt start anytime soon.  Some days, I even think about just paying for it myself and not waiting (but rationally I know that's stupid when I have insurance that will pay).

I've been playing wtih my blog settings - not sure if I should make it private or not, but for now it's open. I started a new blog 
at   http://acbbrown.wordpress.com/ where I will probably write more frequently. Writing helps clear my mind a lot more than talking, so I thought i'd take my mini therapy sessions somewhere else, and just leave this for mainly wls related topics. Feel free to check out the blog periodically if your'e interested.

My party idea, the plans - a complete failure. And for totally different reasons than I expected. It started off fine - I sat around and drank a ton of crystal light and diet soda, and just a few bites of food.

But then, for some reason, I had a mental breakdown. Eventhough I was surrounded by friends and people I love, I felt really lonely and isolated. I felt really depressed. Out of nowhere. It was so unexpected.

So what did I do? Drink. A lot. I drank a whole botle of tequila. And then, of course, with that, I had absolutely no self control and ate until I was sick. 

So, I didn't do very well, and when I woke up and ate pizza for breakfast, I really thought I was screwed. But, after the party left (these things always drag out all weekend), I just went back to eating the good stuff.I threw out the junk, cleaned my house, got a new start. I don't have time to dwell on this mistake, and no time for regrets. All I can do is look forward and find ways to avoid this again.

This idea of having wls has become an obession, and it's really taking its toll. I'm not stressed out at work anymore because all I do is hang out on OH and dream of being thin and healthy. I think about it all day, all night. It's killing me. I have to wait another week for orientation, and I keep thinking it would be a lot of quicker if just paid for it myself instead of going through insurance.  But then I snap back to reality and remember this is not something I need to rush into. So I will try and be patient (and trust me, I can't think of one person who would ever describe me as patient, ever). It's a challenge.


But, I am happy with the progress I am making. I've been losing weight kind of slow, or at least it feels that way, but when I woke up today, my clothes were pretty loose on me, which has made me feel good today (except the part when I had to carry a heavy box and my pants were falling down at work).  It makes me want to go to the gym, and work even harder since I have a reminder that I will see results.

I'll just be counting down the days until the orientation.

For me, social eating is the biggest problem. I have a bunch of friends who are thin, in shape, and can eat whatever they want. And we are young, so we like to eat and drink.

Happy hours are usually 6 hours long. We eat snacks, and dinners, and desserts, and drink, drink, drink, drink. I'd be terrified to count the calories of those happy hours.

And we party. Food, and drinks, and desserts. Everyone brings food and drinks, and for 12 hours, we'll sit around and eat and drink. And trust me, I'm not talking about fruit and veggies.

Its the hardest part for me. It's so hard for me to imagine all this social time without the excessive calorie infusion. It just seems to be a part of our activities.

Lately, I've been less and less social because I don't want to continue with those calorie filled nights. It's hard for me though - i've been kind of lonely not hanging out with the friends.

So, today is party day. And I decided to try things a little differently. I went shopping, and instead of buying a bunch of unhealthy snacks, I bought a couple "healthier options" - without scaring people away. I also bought snack sized options, and little finger foods that aren't packed with sugar, and fat, and carbs.  I also got some diet soda, made some crystal light, and I think I'm good to go.

I have no idea what else might show up at my house through out the day - but I feel ready for this. I feel ready to attempt hanging out with friends without binging. I've already told everyone I'm not drinking alcohol (okay, okay maybe just one) and I'm totally content with my diet soda and cyrstal light. This way, I can still drink without consuming the calories. And hopefully, I will have the will power to not graze all day on the food. I will just sit back and relax and stay out of the kitchen as much as possible.

But since I knew this was coming, I ate a very light breakfast, and worked out this morning to counter any excess calories i might encounter through the night. Ialso got more games and controllers for the wii so we have something to do other than eat and drink. I think this will be fun, and I'm praying I can change this one really bad habit - one step at a time.

I finally got the package that lets me make an appointment for orientation. I really hope I can sleep now ! I havent slept for weeks thinking about this, and all the thoughts of having wls. 

My first thought was to run to the gym so I could lose a few lbs before anyone has to weigh me. It's one of the most embarassing things I have to do as an adult - get weighed by doctors. I can get through it, but the lower the number, I guess I'll be less embarassed since I know how high it was.

I can't think of anything better than living a healthy, active life. I would give up pizza, fast food and chocolate to be able to run, and play tennis, and hell, just sleep decently.

So, the first step is here. I can't wait to take this journey, and improve my life.

Like many people, I am an emotional eater. I always have been, and probably to some extent, I always will be. It wasn't until I was well into my 20's that I started to recognize this, let alone be able to start to change it.

Unfortunately for me, my life has been on hell of an emotional roller coaster, and now I found myself at 400 lbs. But I also know that I don't have to accept that for myself. It's not an easy thing to admit to myself, let alone any other human being, that I eat as a coping mechanism or to deal with any single emotion. I eat when I am happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm nervous, when I'm bored, and when I'm tired.

The reasons that diets don't work for me is because it doesn't change my emotions. It doesn't change the things going on in my life. And that's why any surgery alone would never fix my weight problems. I know that the most important part of any major life style change is coming up with new ways to deal with life.

Now, I feel more comfortable being able to change and avoid 'emotional eating" when my emotional state is obvious, when I can recognize how I feel. If I am extremely angry, or devastated, I can stop, realize that, and make a conscious decision that eating is not the answer. But last night, I learned that it's not always that easy. From the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, I struggled with wanting to eat everything in sight, and it didn't matter what I ate, I never felt satisifed. It was really bothering me. Fortunately, I was able to avoid snacking, and ate healthy meals, but it was extremely hard. And, It was very hard for me to understand why I felt this way.

So, before going to bed, I laid there and started thinking. I was exhausted. Work was stressful. And, I was getting sick. And I figured that this is another type of "emotional eating". But it's less obvious. I don't go around all day thinking about how stressed I am, so it's harder to realize that might be the reason behind wanting to eat all day.

But I also realized that the hardest part of this journey for me is finding a way to deal with stress. I tend to stress myself out by making things a bigger issue than they need to be, and putting to much pressure on myself to be perfect at work. And for my entire life, I ate my way through this kind of stress. Everytime I started a new semester of school, a new job, or a new assignment, I gained a lot of weight as I ate my way through the transition because I haven't figured out how to deal with it.

I started a new assignment with work, at a new location a couple weeks ago, but I decided that this time, I needed to do something different. I wish I could say that I have found the solution, but I haven't. I can say that I have not resorted to eating. I've lost a little bit of weight over the last couple months, which has continued since starting at the new location, but I have not found a new way to cope with the stress. And I need to do this, otherwise my healthy choices will probably not be sustainable. I will eventually hit rock bottom and resort to a large pizza and a bag of candy to deal with it. My will power has its limits, and it tends to fall apart when extreme exhaustion and stress come into the picture.

I haven't quite figured out how I am going to solve this. I've considered therapy and counseling, but I have such a negative attitude about that kind of stuff. I am very skeptical that someone else can teach me how to deal with my problems. I tend to internalize everything, I do not like to talk about problems with other people, which is the biggest barrier to me going to see a professional. It may be necessary though.

I know that I am making progress by recognizing the problem. That's the first step, and maybe the biggest one. My goal is to keep working on this so that one day, I can have wls, but know that it's not a last desperate attempt to lose weight, and to know that it's not just "the easy way out" or a temporary solution.

For the last few months I have done my best to keep a journal, tracking food intake, exercise, but also my thoughts. My thoughts on why I eat, when I eat it. It's done a couple things for me. First, I can look back and see patterns - through certain times, certain days, certain events, or emotions. But second, it makes me think twice about eating. It's always in the back of mind that I will have to write it down if I eat it, so I ask myself before I eat if I really want to do that. Now, sometimes, I turn around and walk right of the kitchen. Sometimes, I go ahead and eat (when i'm not hungry) but knowing that I have to track it and explain why, I either eat less or make a better choice. But, when I really get in the mindset that I just want to eat away, I do. I feel like crap, but tracking and writing has reduced the number of times I do that.

It was about a month into this that I started to think wls might be an option for me. Its given me a sense of determination, accountability, and sense of control over my eating. One of the things that worries me the most is not being able to have an occassional "binge" - it's been a part of my life since I was a kid. The only upside is that as I get older, and heavier, the "binges" are less comforting, less satisfying. That's one reason why I gained a lot of wait quickly recently - notthing satisfied me - no pizza, ice cream, chocolate, or fast food, so I had to keep eating. But, it didn't really help. So, I know that I can find a substitute for the kind of high I've been trying to find.

What drives me the most is knowing that one day - I could have options to replace my life centered around food. For now, I'm in daily and constant pain in my feet, knees, and back, that I prefer to just sit at home, and not go out. My energy levels stay around 0. I don't sleep, I can't relax because of the pain.  But what if I had energy? What if I could do whatever I wanted? Well, food would probably be the last thing on my mind.

I love sports. In high school, and college, I played tennis. I was probably, and will probably be, the only fat person to make a college tennis team and compete, but that's how much I loved it. I forced my self to train and play with the team. Now, I'm not saying I was great, or didn't look like a joke, but that never mattered much to me. I love being active. And if I had the physical capability to do it now, I'd be out there. Sometimes, I'd like to just go for a walk. Go to Disneyland. Run. Hell, just walk across a big parking lot. And, I think, if I could, those activities could replace the desire to eat. 

But for now, I do what I can. I'll track what I eat, the exercise I can get, and most importantly, what's going on inside my head.