AChocolateJewel
Divorced single mom who has been acquainted with obesity most of her life...from yo-yo dieting as an overweight teen, to self imposed bouts of fasting and overexercising as a young adult to abusing diuretics, diet pills and steam rooms as a young woman, to a sedentary/depressed lifestyle during the time of my divorce proceedings to now. Even after being in the USAF for 16+ years I have yet to shake this battle with the bulge. As of right now Uncle Sam won't pay for me to have surgery because I am on active duty, but there isn't anything written into our regulations that would preclude me from supporting myself and footing the bill. Even as I weigh the options I am so afraid of gaining another pound or even another ounce. My inability to maintain my weigh within military standards at times has cost me severely in missed promotions, lower performance ratings based solely on my weight and not the caliber of my ability to do my job above and beyond the imposed standards.
This weight has caused or contributed to my low self-image/self-esteem in the past. Growing up I can remember watching my mom eat and eat and even eat at night before going to bed to GAIN weight! The one that left the most indelible mark was one thanksgiving, my mom ate mashed potatos, turkey and gravy about an hour before bed and then 20 minutes before bed she made a banana split and then went to sleep! Imagine that, having a mom who for all her high school years never reached 100 pounds and once she got to college and then got married she never weighed more than 110 pounds (including when she was pregnant with me, my sister and brother!). Growing up I was always (well once I hit puberty at 9) the BIG Sister I weighed more than my sister and mother when I was in my latter years of elementary, junior high and high school. I dreaded having her introduce me to people because they never failed to say, “I can’t believe you have a daughter THAT BIG!” As an overweight-but-shapely pre-teen and teen, I always received unwanted sexual attention from boys who would call me fat at school and then beat a path to my door at dusk to try to get me to do what they were fantasizing about with me...God had a better plan for me because no matter how big I was I never fell for their tricks...my theory was I want a guy who wants me in the daylight and at night so NO!
Throughout high school and college, I constantly heard the phrase “She has a pretty face, but…” I always visualized what my life would be like if I were thinner. There was not one summer break that I didn’t try some miracle diet or weight loss trick in hope that I could return to school as a normal person. I would be super fine for the first 3-4 months and then the weight would come back with a vengeance. I never wores Shorts to school and very seldom did I wear dresses because of the awful chaffing I would get because of my thick thighs. I rember once some of the girls got wind of this guy that I liked in high school and we went on a field trip out of town and they stole a pair of my BIG "tighty whitey's" and waited until we were on the bus to yell out to him that I liked him and these were the kind of underwear that I wore. I was mortified as they held them up for the entire group to see on the bus and everyone began laughing and guffawing at my expense for what seemed like hours! As a result, I was and still am at times uncomfortable around members of the opposite sex. The oxymoron to all of this is that by the time I got to college my hourglass figure was accepted and guys liked me for it, so needless to say I took advantage of that and indulged myself in all the attention it brought me (don't get me wrong, I was discreet/selective and very few (2 to be exact) got to find out about my goodies... but I had a lot more suitors than I knew what to do with). So imagine going from famine to feast and still having issues with self esteem.
I am 39 now and my weight has pretty much stabilized itself at/about 200 but I am beginning to suffer health problems that I know are caused (or at the very least exaggerated) by my size. I have high blood pressure, I’m always tired and my knees creak and pop when I walk or climb stairs. I've had knee surgery because I tore my meniscus on the medial and lateral sides and now every day I experience swelling, tightness, stiffness and pain. I have been to the doctor many times because I was having trouble digesting foods and have been diagnosed with (in the past 3 years) GERDS, Hyperpylori,and Ulcers.
I’ve always known about weight loss surgery, but have always had a paralyzing fear of "What if?..." I guess it shouldn't bother me considering that I have been under the knife 5 times in my life just in my stomach area (liposuction, C-Section, Myomectomy, Small bowel revision after a motor vehicle accident and laparoscopic removal of a cyst on my ovary, but my friends and family think I shouldn't have another surgery especially since it is elective.
I've researched weight loss surgery and i'm more comfortable that it is being done laparascopically now as well. I think I’m an ideal candidate for such a surgery, but my family and friends think other wise. I've been running on these bad knees because Uncle Sam requires it and I have seen at 12 1/2 pound weight loss in the last two months which further justifies my friends and families stand against the surgery. Yet, I know it is me that has to live with me, so it must be my decision. I no longer live with low self-esteem issues and feel relatively comfortable in my skin and with who I am, but the old adage
"What if..."
I were slimmer how would I feel?
I could use a definite tool to assist me in maintaining my freedom from the dread of gaining weight?
What if...
What I do know is that...I am determined to live a life not limited by the scale. I am determined to have a body that I am I am comfortable in.
Now the question is..."Am I willing to pay the price?"
Survey says? "I am still weighing all my options."
I wrote down some goals/milestones that I want to accomplish with losing weight:
*Cross my legs
*Run a mile and a half without knee pain or my knees swelling when it's all over
*Be under 150lbs
*Wear a size that's not a double digit
*Have ONE doctor's visit where he doesn't tell me "So, you know we need to do something about this weight, right?"
*Have someone not recognize me due to my weight...preferably because of a LACK thereof, not an abundance
*Fit a size 6 dress
*Be as small as my sister for the first time
*Go to my family reunion and have someone just call me pretty, instead of "you are such a pretty big girl"
*Not have my thighs rub together trying to start a fire under my skirt and be able to go stockingless with there being a pool of water running from between my legs.
*Alleviate the joint swelling
*Lower my blood pressure
Chocolate Jewel
"What you do today for the sake of today is a DEBT, what you do today for the sake of tomorrow is an INVESTMENT."
16 Jun 2005
1 Aug 2004 was when I should have sewn on my new stripe and been promoted to then next grade but because my commander said I didn't have a professional Air Force image I have been in what we call withold status. Keep in mind that when promotion notices came out I had been on a medical profile for 6 months because of knee surgery and physical therapy but he still denied me my stripe. It's a year later, I am 20 pounds lighter, look better and everyone feels he should let me get promoted BUT he hasn't. TODAY promotion releases came out for those who were selected this year for promotion and I had to endure my commander coming in to our work office and promoting 4 more people while I am still in withold and it felt as if someone had laid me on the ground put their foot on my neck and was squashing the life out of me. Needless to say I stood...smiled and even went to the cake/punch celebration (didn't eat any though) and watched/smiled as folks congratulated everyone and some looked and whispered as to why I hadn't gotten promoted yet and I stood their in my saggy (too big) work pants and shirt (yes they are crisp, clean and I look sharp in them but it is noticeable that they are too big)and pretend to look happy. So as I sit and type this I am listening to Shekinah Glory Ministry's CD and I am playing and repeating the cut "Say Yes..." it's asking the question will you say yes to God even if it hurts and it's not what you wanted, will you still say yes with your heart and soul and I want to cry and worship but I am at work, so on the inside I am saying yes even when it hurts. :-)...
