acrazy_2011

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So I am 6 months out and I feel bad about my weight loss. I went to the doctor today and she said was I doing amazing and I know that I am doing good.  But I am a little jealous at the fact that I have not reached my goal weight at 6 months out like sompeople have. I know that I am doing well because I can exercise for 40 minutes and not feel like I aam dying. .... Also I have not lost 100 ppounds yet but that is 7 pounds away and I know that I can do it.  However I am so happy at the fact that I am in a size 18 pants and an XL top.  I have never felt better

I am 4 months out and exercise is not on my mind. I am tired when I get off work, sometimes I work almost 8 hours. I work in retail and I have to stand all day. I walk around the store, does that count as exercise. Most time I have no energy at all. Sometimes I have energy.  What should I do. I have a bike at home that I ride for 30 minutes and I used to walk in the morning but it's too cold. I guess I am just lazy and I need to get over that.

So I am 4 months out still tired all the time but I am happy that I had the surgery. My clothes are getting baggy which I love. Clothes shopping is very odd for me. I still wear my big clothes because I feel safe in them. Crazy I know but being big I felt safe.... no one wanted me, no one could hurt me, now things are changing and it scares me but I am happy I had my surgery.  Food is still odd to me sometimes I want food, sometimes food makes me gag . "Helga" is crazy sometimes but I love her. I am happy either way. I love my sleeve . Having this surgery did save my life. I am moving better, exercising more, I am happy but I still have a self-esteem issue I need to work at but I known it will take sometime and time is what I have now 

So I have passed my 6 week mark and I feel sick all the time. I really don't like this feeling all I want to do is stay in bed I hate this feeling. I know I need to eat food but if I am gonna be sick after eating I would just starve myself. I know its not cool but throwing up is not fun. I want to call my doctor but in my mind I think its the heartburn going CRAZY!!!!!!!!! Anyway I feel like a failure because I have not lost 50 lbs yet. I know that I am still healing but sometimes I feel like I need to push myself harder. I know its sounds crazy. I know this is not easy but its getting better. I have to take it day by day. I am happy with the weight I have lost. I have to remind myself that I am doing ok. .  I do not regret having the surgery because I feel that the surgery has saved my life. If I did not have the surgery I might have ended up like my stepdad. He is 52 with major heart failure, diabetes and gout. Only 27% of his hearts works. I am so scared that one day my little sister will come home and find him dead. I wish that he took better care of himself but what can I do, I am only one person........ However I do miss my old stomach(sometimes) but I love the fact that my clothes are getting too big   

So today I start soft foods and I am SCARED . Is this normal????????? I would like to stay on purred foods but I know I will not the right nutrients that I need. I need my mom here to help me, she had rny 8 1/2 years ago good thing is we had the same surgeon . Anyway I know I have to chew, chew, chew but what do I start out with for my soft foods. Also tomorrow I go back to work part of me is ready to go back to work, the other part feels like I need one more week......... I only work 4 hours tomorrow I am sure I can survive it(I hope).   Soft Foods why must you scare me, what have I done to you??????? For soft foods could I buy diet meals or should I try and cook. What Should I Do?????? 

So today I am 2 weeks post-op and I feel like I am not losing the weight that I need to be... I know that  I am the type of person who puts major pressure on themselves and its a habit I am trying to break but its very hard. Anyway today I did something very STUPID..... I pushed on my left side of my stomach and now I am having some pain. I want to go to the E.R. but that is money I don't have. I feel like my stomach is swollen but it might just be some gas(I hope its gas). Me pushing on my stomach was a dumb thing to do but I felt like my stomach is not small..... Maybe I am just worrying about too much that can go wrong. I am scared maybe I really did messy up my stomach. I pray I didn't.   

So I finally pooped on 9-11 and it felt very nice because I was backed up...... Anyway I am on the pureed food stage which makes me happy because its like some real food you can eat rather than drink. Anyway sometimes I feel some pain in my chest or on my staple line. Everything goes down smooth but eating grapes causes the pain. Should I call my surgeon about this, I have an apportionment with him on 9-29-14 to see how i am doing. Other than that I am doing good. I love the fact that I am on purred food stage I feel like I am in heaven with food....... The pain comes and goes I think its gas.

So my surgery went well. It was about an hour and 45 minutes long rather than 2 hours and 30 minutes. I am happy about that  I am mad at the fact that I am now at 297.2 lbs because when I went in for my surgery I was 292.0 lbs( that made me smile).  Anyway I think that is from the IV I had. I am doing well with the food. the creamed soups at home taste SO MUCH BETTER THAN AT THE HOSPITAL. The food in the hospital was cold, tastes like dish soup, it was just nasty. I am still having gas pains but not so much now(thank GOD). Today it took me almost an hour to eat 3 oz of creamed of chicken soup but that is cool with me. I am ready for the scale to move down now but I will not rush it. I am happy to be alive now. You know what sucks is when you a near a fast food place and you can smell the food but I will be ok.

So today around 10 am (I think) I will be SLEEVED.  I am scared, nervous, excited but ready. It has been a long time coming. It's 12:54 am and I hope to sleep soon. My mother is going with me and I am happy for that. I am ready to sit on the loser's bench. I am ready

So after leaving my doctor on 8-18-14 I had to give up my diet sods, fast food, really any food that is not homecooked.  Now I have to give up my red bulls 8.4oz total zero. That is my energy source when I have a 6,8,9 hour shift......... What am I gonna do now???????? Today at work I keep chunging my water hoping that they   would be a drop of red bull in it .... Right now I really want some fast food, a soda, tacos, chinese food, pizza, hotdogs.........I WANT IT ALL!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I might lose this journey, I don't want too because it took me years to get to this point where my surgery is next Wednesday. But I need HELP and this surgery is my help because being at 308 makes my body hurt so much. Almost everything hurts and I am tired of being the "fat girl" I am tired of it. I know the surgery is not some "magic pill" but I know it will help me to loose the weight because I know that I can not do it alone. Also having this surgery will help me as person.