Starting Over...again

Mar 22, 2010

Hey Fam...

I find it completely baffling as to why I haven't posted on this site in more than a year. I really need to do better because talking to you all has helped me thru some pretty rough times. Well alot and nothing has changed in the past year. My experience with this band has been a tragedy thus far & its been more than frustrating.

I am currently at 233lbs, not far from where I started before I had surgery almost 3 years ago. I have had no saline in my band since October of 2009 due to constant vomiting...had to have another upper GI and barium swallow done..band was ok..but I chose to fore go getting filled again because I was tired of the drama and wanted to try and lose the weight on my own.  Suffice it to say...that didn't happen & I have come to terms with the fact that it won't happen without the help of this damned lap band..so tomorrow I am going to get a fill after 6 mos of being completely empty..I'm tired of being fat..tired of letting how I look on the outside dictate how I feel on the inside.

Yes, its ok to be overweight and and beautiful and healthy and all of those things a well educated therapist will tell you, but for me..there has to be another way of life.. I know there is so much more to life than weight obsession. I have been living this fat girl's existence since I was probably 2 or 3 years old and its all that I know and all that I'm known for. I no longer want to be the biggest sibling, or the "big girl" with the pretty face. I just want to be another face in the crowd. I still deal with the problems of life besides my weight and for once I would like for my life to NOT to be consumed by the fact that the rolls of fat on my back cover my bra straps or how I have to unbutton my jeans when I'm driving, if I've just eaten. Can I get on with addressing some of my other sorely neglected issues?

Honestly, I am just venting and if you read some of my other posts, you will know that I haven't been the best lap bander. I could have done so much better....going forward I plan to,  but I cant change the past, so there is no need to blast me for it..i feel guilty enough on my own.

I continue to have faith and on some low level, perseverance. I mean I could have given up and become the next Discovery Health channel feature of the week.but I choose not to & neither do you if you are reading this. We chose change and even more so, chose to put it into action.

So now it's time to try again & hopefully, willfully, succeed on this go around...if not..no worries...will keep at it until I get it right.. Thanks for reading..

.Peace.Love.

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Back in business...

Mar 15, 2009

Hey Fam...

I said I would follow up with you all soon.. so here I am.. following up..lol. Well I had my upper GI done and wow...my band had not slipped or maybe it had.. but it is now back in  position. My PA gave me 2 ccs the next day (my band was practically empty at .4 ccs).. Im feeling a little restriction but not much.. but from what I can remember before, I really didnt feel anything until I was like 2.3 ccs or so. My PA had me make a May appt to check my progress..

Now that that's done, I feel like Im back on track. I plan to get things right this time around.. I know I will make mistakes and I'm ready for that.. I know that when I fall off the wagon, I have to hop right back on...today my weight is 237lbs and Im hoping to lose as much as possible by the end of the month.. so Im challenging myself to work out everyday and eat healthy ,but I wont make a goal for myself....just plans to buy a new outfit for the party that Im having at the end of the month.. Ill make sure to update by then and post a pic or two.. I will post one today of how I look now...

Well.. I dont really have much else to say..my mood is as bad as the weather today..until next time.. Peace and Love!
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Is there no end to this madness?...probably not...

Mar 11, 2009

Hey Fam..

I know its been a while, but this constant state of depression keeps my fingers from attaching themselves to a keyboard, thus preventing me from updating you all on my struggle.. and yes.. it is a struggle.. well since my last vent I've gained another 17lbs.. therefore reaching 237Lbs..almost my pre surgery weight.  This is getting ridiculous... Sometimes I feel that no matter how hard I try I cannot win the fight against this addiction and now I don't even have a partner in my band to help me. I have been without restriction for almost 8 months now and its taken its toll on my body and my mind...Even my therapist thinks I'm crazy.. lol

Tomorrow I have an upper GI scheduled so I can finally find out what's going on with my inner plastic noose.  I pray that the news is good or at least not devestating. I know that if my band has slipped, then having it fixed will be a pain since my employer has written an exclusion in my insurance policy and bariactric surgery is no longer covered, but I will fight if I have to.. appeals.. whatever.. they paid for it the first time and so Im not going to give up if they have to pay to fix it. I refuse to have this band sitting inside of me if its not doing what it was designed to do. It would be like having a plate in my head for the sole purpose of moving refrigerator magnets around...SENSELESS!

I'm working with a personal trainer now and I must say that I've been losing alot of inches.. no weight..only two lbs here and there, but I know that 1. I don't eat right.. to say the least.. I mean imagine being restricted for a year and a half and then going back to the way you were before surgery.. literally a food free for all.. I'm not saying its right.. I'm just sayin...and 2. I do build alot of muscle fast.. so I know that the scale is not going to move...at least not for a while...

So tomorrow is another day.. if everythng is fine, I will get my first fill in about a year. and if everything is not, then there is work to be done.. and I promise you all will get an ear full.. so I hope I'm not boring you and if I am? You could have stopped reading after the first paragraph...lol  For everyone who has had surgery or hopes to have it, don't let my story get you down or allow you to grab a seat on the "second thought" train. WLS is the perfect solution for those of us who need it..and like with any cure or solution, it must be tried and tested first.

Thanks for reading...and as always.. Peace and Love!
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Sometimes you have to ask yourself...

Nov 12, 2008

was it really all worth it in the end? WLS that is..& if I answered myself honestly? I would say YES....well maybe..(

I kow its been a long time fam...around 8 mos or so since I've had much to say & thats because sometimes I'd rather share no news than bad news...Since I've talked to you last..I've gained around 20lbs (due to band slippage...had to have all of my fill taken out) and I'm not feeling my best...but with faith & prayer I'll get back on track. Unfortunately, my WLS is no longer covered under my employer's INS.. Soo..I'm going to have to go it on my own until I find another job...and in this rescession? economic downturn? or whatever they're calling it these days..I'm not quite sure of when that will be.. so in the meantime I'm trying a variation of Atkins & its working....have lost 4 lbs in 2 days...(lets hope its fat & not water weight :-)...

This experience has taught me a few things about myself, my eating habits, & about life getting in the way of one's long term goals. I'd like to share a few...so please bear with my self indulgence.

Disclaimer: The following is what I'VE learned about ME...not to be confused with what YOU are learning or have yet to learn about YOU:

*In my opinion, losing weight takes more than will power...its about determination (which is different)...faith..and huumbling yourself....admitting that there is a problem and workin on solutions to fix it..I consider my self a pretty strong willed person.. Things I don't want to do anymore.. I just don't..when I want to do something.. I do it..I never let ME & my insecurities get in the way of what I want to accomplish..but losing weight is a whole different ball game for me. Mainly becuz I've been overweight all of my life..ALL OF IT...so my reasons for overeating started when I had no control....so now that I'm an adult.. its been really hard to take control..

* Lap-band may have not been the best choice for me...The times when I really lost weight were because my fill was too tight and I couldnt eat. I was never very disciplined with it & learned to eat around my band. Never learned to work WITH my band instead of depending on it to work FOR me.

* I...meaning ME.. won't lose weight if I dont excersise.. its a proven fact..you have to build muscle to burn fat and I already have alot of muscle underneath this fat..so.. i'm making a commitment to myself to do some sort of excersise every day.

* I'm addicted to carbs..& the only real weight loss that I've seen is a result of drastically reducing my intake...it probably has alot to do with my diabetes and insulin processing...so thats why I'm trying the Atkins thing.. to see if I can end this life long addiction.

Those are just some of the things I've learned & hopefully I'll be blessed enough to learn more.. I'll leave you all with one of my favorite quotes.. Its short... but to me.. says so much...

" Without Struggle...there is No Progress..."  Fredrick Douglass 


Its been a while..

Mar 19, 2008

What's up fam? I know that its been a while since I posted and not that anyone has been waiting to hear from me...:-) but I just decided to give an update on what's been going.. 

The last couple of months have been really trying for me.. still got alot of personal issues going on at home.. but I continue to have faith so I know that everything will be ok.. 

As far as the weight loss.. Im down to 202lbs.. and its been a struggle.. Im working with a personal trainer now and I've been losing alot of inches.. but not so much weight.. let's just say that Im building muscle..which is good I suppose.. trying not to be a slave to the scale ya know...I dont really enjoy working out but its a good stress reliever for me so I guess that's a good reason to keep going.. 

Started back in skool and Ill be done with my BS in Business Management in May....that's pretty much it for me right now.. Please keep me in your prayers as I will keep all of you in mine..

Peace..Love.. Faith.. & Happiness!

OMG! I mean seriously...

Nov 23, 2007

Ok well this being the day after Thankgsgiving, I am freaking miserable.. I was able to eat yesterday and today??? NOTHING! but its all my fault because my dumb a** got a fill last Wednesday, so now Im at 3.2 ccs.. which could be considered great since my previous complete unfill... but was not a great idea for the holiday...I'll make note to never do it again...

Well other than my issues with this current fill.. all is ok. I havent lost much weight...maybe a few inches...nothing to write home about... I do know however, that I have to find a way to rid myself of this chocolate fetish that is currently keeping me around 215 lbs.. my goal is to be under 200 by Christmas.. (and with this hell of a fill...it just might be possible)... Although I was thinking of foregoing goals all together and just lose as much as I can...who knows? I am sooo indecisive... Well.. that's all I have for now.. I think.. ... Until next time.. Peace and Love!

What the !%@*?

Oct 15, 2007

Ok.. this has been the week from hell for my lap band, but the next two days will be heaven for my stomach...let me explain.. As I mentioned in my previous post, I just had a fill on Wednesday 10/10....well on Friday and Saturday I couldnt hold down anything...not even water. And had lost 13 lbs since Weds. I called my Doc on Sat night and he said I was to be in the emergency room by 7am... well I did what I was told and to my surprise.. the PA... took out all of my fill.......dammit.. ALL OF IT! So now I am wide open with out a bit of restriction.. maybe some phantoms in my head.....

I'm kind of glad for the unfill because I found out that instead of having 3ccs in my band, I actually had 4 ccs....which is probably the reason that i've been overfilled...so I have an appt on Wednesday to put most of it back in....I was in so much misery being overfilled.. but now Im kind of scared having no fill.. even if its for a couple of days..

I now weigh 212 lbs.... I have not been at this weight in my entire adult life...Even though I've been struggling lately, I feel blessed to  have come this far...

4th fill....After Unfill

Oct 10, 2007

Ok.. so here goes.. I got my fourth fill today, This after an unfill of about .3ccs about 3 weeks ago.. I was definitely too tight. I lost 12 lbs in one week. Unfortunately since my unfill, I gained 6lbs back.. but im gonna keep pushing on....today I got those .3 ccs back so we'll see what 3.0 ccs will do.

 I've been really stressed lately.. problems at home and such and my eating habits have definitely been affected. I havent lost as much weight as I've wanted to, but I also realize that I havent been doing all that I can to help my lap band do its job...

So I am currently 226 lbs with plans (that hopefully I'll follow through with) to lose 27 lbs by Thanksgiving. I just want to see what is feels like to weigh less than 200 lbs..havent felt that way since jr. high.. so its about time.....just trying to stay focused and grounded in my faith..gotta remember to Pray..then Pray Hard...then Pray Harder...

Trying to make everyday count...well maybe every other day...lo

Aug 29, 2007

Ok..so Im 2.5 weeks out from my second fill and I am scheduled for another one on Tuesday and I've been eating like crazy. I must say that I screwed up my second fill royally. I didnt do the liquid diet the first 24 hours and was damn near swollen shut for 4 days. It was hell. I could hardly swallow water. Word to the wise...please listen to your Dr., when they say "Liquids and soft foods"  the first 24 and 48 hours. 

Well after the swelling went down, I started on a chocolate binge like I was a evil demon trying to get back to chocolate hell. I know that for the most part my cycle should be starting soon (sorry if TMI) and that's the cause of all of these cravings. I've gained around 3lbs during this time and its really pissing me off. I havent been to the gym in over a week...im just nmot feeling it, but I know I will get back on my game soon...Im trying to stay away from the scale.. some days im good.. others? not so much. 

Oh well.. like I mentioned...my next fill is Tuesday.. So I'll let you all know how it goes... Peace and Love!

1st Fill = NO RESTRICTION!!! UGH!

Aug 04, 2007

Ok.. so my first fill was over a week ago and I pretty much feel the same way I did before it happened. The only difference is that I can tell that I'm a little tight in the mornings.. but once I loosen up..its a free for all after that. I haven't lost anymore weight, but I think that I've lost a couple (and by that I mean 2 or 3) inches.. I've been trying to work out at least an hour after work 3-4 times per week... I do cardio for about 45 minutes.. then lift weights for 20-25 minutes more...

I've been thinking about drastically cutting my carbs to see if that will induce some weight loss within the next couple of weeks..I realized that me and carbs (and I think I've mentioned this before) have a love/hate relationship...I LUV THEM...THEY HATE ME...or at least it feels that way...

Well I went out last night for a friend's birthday party.. it felt good to get out.. hadn't gone anywhere in a while.. I thought I looked ok.. but still really self conscious about my weight...always feeling like the biggest person in the room.. I posted pics from last nigt...so check them out if you want..... Until next time.. Peace and Love! 

About Me
Atlanta, GA
Location
44.0
BMI
Surgery
06/26/2007
Surgery Date
Jun 22, 2007
Member Since

Friends 93

Latest Blog 14
Sometimes you have to ask yourself...
Its been a while..
OMG! I mean seriously...
What the !%@*?
4th fill....After Unfill
Trying to make everyday count...well maybe every other day...lo
1st Fill = NO RESTRICTION!!! UGH!

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