AfricanButterfly
Starting Over...again
Mar 22, 2010
Hey Fam...
I find it completely baffling as to why I haven't posted on this site in more than a year. I really need to do better because talking to you all has helped me thru some pretty rough times. Well alot and nothing has changed in the past year. My experience with this band has been a tragedy thus far & its been more than frustrating.
I am currently at 233lbs, not far from where I started before I had surgery almost 3 years ago. I have had no saline in my band since October of 2009 due to constant vomiting...had to have another upper GI and barium swallow done..band was ok..but I chose to fore go getting filled again because I was tired of the drama and wanted to try and lose the weight on my own. Suffice it to say...that didn't happen & I have come to terms with the fact that it won't happen without the help of this damned lap band..so tomorrow I am going to get a fill after 6 mos of being completely empty..I'm tired of being fat..tired of letting how I look on the outside dictate how I feel on the inside.
Yes, its ok to be overweight and and beautiful and healthy and all of those things a well educated therapist will tell you, but for me..there has to be another way of life.. I know there is so much more to life than weight obsession. I have been living this fat girl's existence since I was probably 2 or 3 years old and its all that I know and all that I'm known for. I no longer want to be the biggest sibling, or the "big girl" with the pretty face. I just want to be another face in the crowd. I still deal with the problems of life besides my weight and for once I would like for my life to NOT to be consumed by the fact that the rolls of fat on my back cover my bra straps or how I have to unbutton my jeans when I'm driving, if I've just eaten. Can I get on with addressing some of my other sorely neglected issues?
Honestly, I am just venting and if you read some of my other posts, you will know that I haven't been the best lap bander. I could have done so much better....going forward I plan to, but I cant change the past, so there is no need to blast me for it..i feel guilty enough on my own.
I continue to have faith and on some low level, perseverance. I mean I could have given up and become the next Discovery Health channel feature of the week.but I choose not to & neither do you if you are reading this. We chose change and even more so, chose to put it into action.
So now it's time to try again & hopefully, willfully, succeed on this go around...if not..no worries...will keep at it until I get it right.. Thanks for reading..
.Peace.Love.
