trappedagain A.
 Get your own glitter and more at BlingyBlob.com    I am a 42 yr old who has been overweight since the age of 6. I have 3 children. I am married. i enjoy reading, video games, and puzzles. I know I need to lose weight but am afraid to have the surgery. I would aprecate any suport. thank you.  Sept 3 2006 I am at work and it is a Holiday weekend and of course Chuck is off. We never get to be off at the same time anymore. I am so depressed. There are many reasons first is I feel so useless. I went to Nursing school so I could help people but at my job now I am not helping anyone I give physical and drug testing and am here in case of an emergency. I want so much to work at a hospital in a neo-natal unit, but I am afraid that a hospital won't hire me because of my weight. Second I know I have to lose this weight I am tired of life passing me by I just don't know how to do it. Third I am tired of nobody but me taking care of things at home. Bills don't get paid unless I pay them, food don't get bought unless I buy it, house work don't get done unless I do it. I am TIRED. I still dont feel good from last weeks fall. Even if I got the stiches out and the brusies are going away. I have been reading oother peoples weight loss journeys and crying, Knowing how they feel pre -op but then not knowing how it feel to be a "normal" person. There are time when I truly hate myself. The depression and bordom just causes me to eat more. D Desperate A Astounding W Weird N Naughty Describes me to a T OK I have been very bad about updating my profile. First I want to thank Holygirl for my beautiful new profile. Where to start I finally decided that I wanted to have WLS and I called my insurance and got the dreaded news that they won't cover it. Now Im in weight loss limbo. So now I am tring to figure out what lifesyle changes to make to lose weight. Do I try the South Beach or the Weigh Down?I really don't know. I have been too bummed to think. Sorry a long one! Ok here it is OCT 1 and I haven't been journeling like I need to. I made a decision that I am going to try to lose weight on my own. after all I got fat on my own I should be able to get skinny that way too. Have been limiting my calories and food for the last 2 days only drinking diet drinks like sf drink mixes and an occasional diet coke. Yesterday was district band contest and I pushed the gong Ben plays to the firld and onto the field then back to the truck. Boy was I tired. Too little sleep and too many grumpy people (hubby). I have had less than 1000 calories today. I think if I add them up correctly I have had about 850. I have no ideal if this is too much or not enough but I have decided to limit myself to 1200 or less. On a different subject we are broke again. I have to decide what to pay the rent or the car payment. I hate not having any money. and the worst part of it is now that I am a nurse people think that I make big bucks. I do make better money than I did as a CNA but the problem is they are garnishing Chucks wages for past medical bills and other things so he only brings home 113 dollars a week. So I am the one mainly contributing to the day to day bills. We are suppost to go to court again this week so they can start taking even more out. Don't they understand we have to have some money to live. We have rent to pay, a car payment, school loans, food to buy, phone, electricity,water, and comming soon gas to heat. We are not living fancy we live in a small 2 bedroom house Sarah bedroom is the dinning room and Andy and Ben share a small room. We don't have cable or satalite TV the only thing I do splurg for is internet (dail up). I have to get a second job. The problems with finding a second job. Ben graduates in May. After he does then I have no reason not to move north closer to my parents. This has been my dream and goal since I moved south 20yrs ago. If I move north I will be closer to Indy and might be able to get me a job as a Neo-natal nurse(my dream job). I might even make enough money to support my family without hubby working(he is having health problems and I am not sure how much longer he will be able to work). So do I find a job around here and forget about the move for now(in school they say you shouldn't quit a job until after a year because of the time and training put into you). Do I look for a part time job up north and stay with my parents on the days I work until I can move that way with family. There are no NICU jobs in this area as only 1 hospital has a NICU and those nurses have been there forever(some where there when Ben was there 18yr ago.) So don't hire often. NOw for the big question can I work as a nurse. I know I am a nurse I just don't feel like one I don't really do anything "Nursey" I don't give meds, I don't do IVs, I don't give injections, and I really haven't taken care of a pt since nursing school. I need the second job to prove to myself that I am a nurse and I can do what I was trained for. I know so little and want to know so much. I still feel like a nurse want a be. I want to make a difference! Well it is Sunday Oct 2, 2006 I decided to bunch up my journel so I can have the little sing post guy in between more. I don't know if I run out of those and if I do then what but it will be a long time before that happens. It being Sunday I stayed up after I got home from work to go to my Bible study and then sundayschool and church. I was standing and talking to one of my friends from group when I look up and who is walking in the door but my parents, SURPRISE! They had come down yesterday to watch Ben at the band contest and spent the night in Jasper I figured that they would wake up and leave for home. Instead they drove back down to Chrisnay to go to church with us and then to head to local orchard to but apples. It was a nice surprise. After church I went home and went to bed instead of going out to eat with my family. That way I wouldn't be tempted to overeat. Did have hubby bring me back a salad from Arbys. Tonight I had the salad, some cheese and some ff turkey. I am under 1000 calories again today. I hope I am able to keep this up and soon start to notice the change. I am still up in the air on the second job question and am afraid to apply anywhere. I didn't apply for the job I have now it just came to me. While I was finishing school I was afraid to look for a new job for fear of rejection, and not making the right choice. It comes from years of just settleing for what I have and not trying to move on. I guess that is why I worked all those years for Wendys a job I really hated. I need something or someone to tell me You can do this. But everythime I think about doing something new I hear noone wants you, your too fat, you don't even know what you are doing coming from the voices in my head and I freeze. I know I have many issues and that WLS or losing weight won't solve my mental health problems. I just pray that something changes and it changes for the better. Late Monday Oct2 or early Tuesday Oct 3 well I am almost off work so I decided to journel before I leave. I will be off for the next 7 day!!! Yeah!! Today I don't think I will do too much but I might go job hunting on Wed. Today I found out that some people really do read these things besides me. I was in chat and someone ask me a question about my plans and also commited on my wanting to move. I hope I don't bore the readers too much. I was wanting to go and say "move that bus" today but didn't wake up in time.oh well. I didn't do as well today with my diet I had a hard time counting calories for food made at home. so I am sure I am over for the day. I hurt all over this morning from filing papers at work. I have to climb up on a stool to reach the top drawers(too high for me I am afraid of heights) and then bend all the way over for bottom drawers. That is why I only file once a week so I can do them all at once. My friend called me and wants advise about her exhubby who has had a stroke. I have no answers for her and really feel bad that I don't but a stroke effects everyone differently and some people return to normal and some never do. I promised her I would come see her this week while I am off. Maybe I will clean house and cook this week. I want to make those eyeball I saw on the message board. I would love to make the kitty litter cake too but have no oven to bake the cakes. I hope to be able to keep up my journel this week at home I have a hard time getting my turn on the computer. Might have to fight someone for it. well got to go get things ready for the next shift. OK it is now Thur the 5th I havent up dated my journel for a few days. Theres is some good news and some bad news. First the good news since it is small. I actually filled out an application and handed it in. It is at a hospital I really don't want to work at, but that is the reason I tried there is because if I con't get hired there it won't hurt as bad. I ran into one of my emmaus table sisters there and we hugged. I haven't been able to attend gatherings so I miss seeing my sisters. At least I am faithful to my small group. Now the bad news I have compleatly and totaly blown off my diet. I couldn't even follow it for a week. How would I follow a lifetime of this. I guess i will be fat for the rest of my life. I am so bummed I read how so many people are losing and I wish it was me. It seams that weight lose is my new addiction. I dream about it and think about it a lot. I just want to be healthy and to have my family be proud of me is this too much to ask for. |
About Me
Chrisney, IN
Location
57.0
BMI
Aug 31, 2006
Member Since
