trappedagain A.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

           Well here to catch you all up on what is the latest going on here. The part time job I was getting ready to start has now become my full time job. After being a nurse for 3 years, I am a REAL nurse. I pass out pills, give shots, lots of stress, etc...  There are days when I haven't got a clue as to what I am doing but I am learning more and more each day. The bad part is at over 300 lbs being on my feet 8+ hours is killing me.I am the only one working in the assisted living unit from 11pm to 5 am so I am the nurse and the aide. Its me vs them all night.  I go home and have problems sleeping because I hurt too bad.  I will be finding out more about their insurance after July 1. That is when I will be able to get on it. I am hoping it covers WLS even if I will have to wait a while before I have time I can take off to have it. I am trying not to get my hopes up.
          The new job means I have less time on the computer. So I don't get around to OH as much. I miss lurking on the R&R board.  I am working every weekend now until they hire someone to new. I also work PRN for my old job and will be training my replacement next week. OH BOY ! After that I will work when ever they need me and I am off from other job.Between the 2 jobs I have now worked 7 nights straight. I am tired and grumpy. At least I am off tomorrow.
        We have talked to Sarah's Dr about her recent major weight gain. and He doesn't seam to want to handle it. He is sure the reason is her medication, but with her moods being in a delicate balance he doesn't want to change anything. I am hoping she gets more physical this summer and maybe that will help her. Her recital is this weekend. I love her ballet outfit, she loves the hip-hop. Will try to put pictures on here when I have them taken.
        Andy just got back from spending 2 weeks in Ma with his girlfriend. She paid  for the ticket for him to fly to see her.  He arrived back home safe and sound covered with hickeys. He promised that he kept it in his pants. I told him I didn't want any grand kids yet. Not until he is done with school.
        Ben is on medication for ADD and depression. He is trying counseling to help him deal with the stresses in his life. I think it is a very good ideal. I see a counselor every other week. Hasn't helped much but maybe some day it will. Well so much for my boring life I must get some work done.

     Well where do I start. The Holidays this year was hard. I missed Mom so much it was not the same. Around Thanksgiving Chucks Mom called to tell us that she was feeling worse and from what I got out of talking to her she had given up. A few weeks before Christmas Chucks sister calls to say she don't think Dorothy will make it to the New Year. We go and spend time with her before Christmas and then we head to see My Dad and family for Christmas. So the family is staying with Dorothy 24/7 by then and I come home from my family to turn around and take my turn on Dec. 26. When I get there it is hard to believe how far down hill she has gone in 3 days. Chucks sister comes to take her brother home and she realizes that the end is almost here. So she takes him home and then comes back. Hospice is suppose to be handling things but they are not doing a very good job.  For hours we watch her suffer until the right amount of the right kind of medication finally helps. On Saturday the 27 she is in a coma. Family members come to say good bye. Its a long emotional day. Her pastor come in during the late afternoon to see her. He prays with her and us and then feels the need to sing Amazing Grace. Shortly after he leaves while a "know it all" lady who lives in the apartment complex is standing there telling us that she will not die anytime soon because her feet are still pink. She passes. During this time a strange thin happened. I was watching the fish tank she kept. all the fishes hid not a fish was out swimming. They all where still in the corners of the tank like they knew what was going on. So we call hospice they come by and start things rolling call the funeral home etc.... But  they don't clean her up or stick around to help the funeral home guy. They just leave. He goes to move her from the bed to his stretcher and Chuck and I stick around. Good thing. He cant lift her by himself so I have to help him move her. He said usually hospice sticks around to help. Now the kids have lost both Grandmas in the same year.
         Fast forward to Feb. Sarah gets sick with some type of stomach bug. on the 1st. By the 2nd Chuck has it too. They both are getting well when the boys get it on the 4th. I manage to keep well until the 5th. Every one gets well except for me. I keep having pain in my right side. But I am stubborn and just decide to ignore it. Finally the pain is getting where I can't sleep. So I decide to call the Dr. on the 10th. The Dr says it is most likely just the bug still but he wants a CT scan just to make sure. So I leave the Dr and drive 45 minutes to the hospital for a CT scan. I don't call home because hubby is sleeping and I will be home before he wakes up. So I have the scan and am sitting waiting for the lady to call me to the window and send me home so I wait and wait. Finally she calls me up and says that I am being directly admitted and have appendicitis and will be having surgery soon. I keep saying I need to call my hubby he don't even know I am at the hospital. The next hour is a three ring circus. 20 people are asking me questions they are trying to do blood work and IV. I have to talk to surgeon and the anesthesiologist . My hubby still hasn't shown up and I am wheeled down to the OR. So I spend almost 2 days in hospital and am off work for a week. (real long story about why I had to go back to work so/too soon)
         On a small brighter note I am getting ready to start a second job at the nursing home I worked as an CNA at during nursing school. I hope that helps with our ever growing money shortage. But before I can do too much there I am having a thermal ablation to help with female problems that are causing me to be anemic. Yeah more surgery. So that should almost catch us up to date still way too fat, still way too broke and still depressed. Oh well might as well get used to it.

       In about a week it will be 2 years since I joined OH. I remember being all excited about WLS and how I was finally going to get healthy and live my life. Well 2 yrs latter and the dream has died. I am still fat, still can't find a different job and I am still invisible.
       A breif recap of the last Ben did graduate from high school and I did try to find a job closer to my family, but noone would hire me.
       At Christmas time 2007  we went to visit my family and Mom was sick. She was confused sleeping talking out of her head and was very ill. After a long fight we finally convinced her to go to the hospital. She was severly anemic and required lots of blood. They ran test and found out she had cancer of her bowel. On January 4 (Sarah's birthday) the operated and removed it. They pronounced her cancer free and said they would most likly do some sort of chemo just to be on the safe side. She left the hospital determined to head back to work as soon as possable. Then things started going down hill.  They thought she was having mini strokes she would start falling and become confused. They would put her in the hospital thing would get better for a while then star all over again. They had no clue as to what was going on. They even at one time flew her to Indianapolis. Finally on March 17 they ended up putting her in the hospital again. On March 28 I got a call saying they where moving Mom to the ICU because her B/P had droped. I of course drove up there. Mom had been complaining of stomach pains nausea and vomiting for a lon time but all the CT scans and all showed nothing. On the morning od the 29th they finally showed a large amount of fluid in her stomach. Her kidneys where shutting down and she needed surgery NOW. They found she was leeking from where she had the surgery in January. In fact she had been leeking all along. All the time they had her in the hospital she was slowly being posioned by C Diff. She came thru the surgery and got off dialysis and the respirator only to have to be put back on. This went on for weeks on respirator and off. Finally we relised that she wasn't going to get better. On April 24th my brothers and I signed the papers to provide comfort measures only (Dad at that time was one floor down with pnenumonia) then the wait began. They transfered her out of the ICU and into a room. I went home for a few days to get my family and to work a little. I went back on April 28 and together with my brothers we stayed around the clock. At 6:15am on May 3 I watched my Mom breath her last breath. She was 66. I called my brothers and they told Dad. I miss her so much. I need her so much. I am lost without her. She was my only friend and now I have noone to talk to noone that cares. All her life my Mom struggled with her weight and in March My brother was able to carry her to the car to take her to the hospital. She was finally thin.
            During all that we found out that my daughter was Bi polar, My Hubby had surgery for a carconoid tumur and was off work from March 6 to June 10. everything that could go wrong has. car problems, eviction, My Hubby company he worked for contract didn't get renewed and a new company took over he lost 10 years of senority, his vacation time, his sick leave, and his insurance. New company is the pits but he has a job which is more than I can say for our 2 sons. They have no desire to get a job they have no desire to do anything but watch TV and play vedio games. I can't even get them to mow the grass, do laundry, feed THEIR dogs, wash dishes or cook. At the ages of 23 and 20 I thingk they should at least do that since I am paying all their bills.
           I hate my life I hate that I am a failure at everything I do. I have done nothing right. If there is a desension to make I make the wrong one. I am broke, fat, insvisable, and majorly depressed.

How can a 300 pound woman be invisable. I would think at this size everyone could see me. But that is not the case. I have "friends" who don't see or hear me. I went to the gathering last Saturday and was alone. I sat by myself and noone even new I was there. I had at least 2"friends" there. If I don't make the first move then they can't be bothered with me. I really and truely have no good friends. I have noone to call and talk to no one to visit with. I have my "church friends" I see them on Sunday but we are not close.  I have my "needy friend" who only calls me when she is out of money and needs me to take her shopping. She know I am a sucker for sob stories and will take her and buy what she needs again. I am so lonely. I have even tried making friends on here but that doesn't seam to be working. I long for someone to see me. 
     Now on to an even more depressing subject. My job hunt. I decided to try a local Hospital one that is only about 30 minutes from my house. I called the number on the web site and talked to the lady who hires for the position I wanted. I explained how I wanted part time to work around the job I have now and how I have no experence. She said no problem they would be glad to train me and I could cross train to work ER and ICU. She asked if I was able to come in for an interview and we set one up for Jan 11. I show up fill out my appy and she comes down the hall. She says Carol? and I say no i'm Dawn. I see her name tag and know she is looking for me and I say you have an appointment with me. It takes her a while to belive that I am who she is wanting to interview. So at the interview she changes her story., She rarely every hires new nurses for ERor ICU.  She might be able to train me and work around my schedule etc... I left with the thought don't call us we'll call you NOT. I hear from her about a week later and the letter states that they are closing down the OB department and they have to find positions for those nurses first. But will keep me in mind if they find they need me. Well on Jan 18 at midnight they closed down the WHOLE Hospital. So no chance of getting a job there and the nurses from there who have experence are now out there in my local job market. This will make it even harder to get a new job. So now what do I do.

What a difference a week can make I have done nothing I was planning to do . Not any excersize not reading my Bible and not spending enough time in prayer. I want so much to do all of this but when the time comes I don't. I was thinking tonight about the fact that I love food. I love food more than myself (I hate myself most of the time), I even love it more than my wonderful family. If I didn't I wouldn't weigh so much. I would be able to control how much I eat and how often. I would do this for them so I can live longer and be a better example for my kids. But food wins out and I don't know what to do about it. I eat and then I am looking for something to eat again. I even if the insurance would pay would find a way to eat around my tool. I do not like the person I am and wish

Well 2006 is over and 2007 has begun. The Christmas worries worked themselves out and the move is over. Now I have to start putting things away at the new house. I now have some new choices to make. The main one I have decided. This is hard to write but I have decided NOT to have WLS.  After a lot of prayful consideration I have decided it is not what the Lord wants me to do at this time. I started off thinking that this was the way I needed to go, I researched and made my descision, then have run into nothing but closed doors. I do not know why God does not want me to have this surgery at this time but have decided to rely on him to make the right choices for my life. After all he made me, and he knows what is best for me. I don't know how much longer I will stay on this site. It is so pro WLS that I might have to leave. 
     The next descision I have made is to find a different job. While I love my fellow employees I really hate my job. All I do is complain about it. I havent decided where to look for my new job. I know in less than 6 months Ben will graduate and I will no longer have to stay in southern IN. I really want to work in the Indianapolis area. I have thought about getting a weekend option job. I would stay with my mom and come home during the week. Or I might stay here in this area and find a job at a hospital near by.
   I have also decided to start improving my life by making some new daily habits The first is reading my Bible I haven't been doing this as I ahould. The second is praying more I need to talk to and listen to God so I know what he wants from me. Third I am going to start excersing a little each day I have heard it will make me feel better. so HAPPY NEW YEAR.

First off the physical thearpy thingy was not fun and I get to do it every week. Yeah. My mom who I love is driving me nuts about this move. She keeps calling to find out if we have got things moved yet. I know it is for the best but I can only do so much. I have no energy and all I want to do is sleep. I am on a work week and that makes it bad. 
    My newest problem is what to do about Christmas. I know I have to work from 6p-6a Christmas eve and Christmas day. Andy has to work Christmas eve from 10a-10p and Christmas day from 6a-2p. My hubby don't know when he is working. So when does santa come? My 10 year old still belives a little so he has got to come. Noone wants to miss it so what do I do. This year all the traditions are not going to happen. There will be no Christmas eve at my moms and no Christmas brunch at my brothers for us. I am so depressed. Just want to cancel the whole thing.

Well the biospy came back normal so the gyn is putting me on some sort of hormone type med to regulate me and maybe makke the bleeding not as heavy. I hope it works. I am to see a physical therapist for my incontance problems. The Dr. says that it works 70% of the time and is better than surgery. The surgen called and has posponed my appointment until the end of January for the colon thingy. I just might cancel and forget about it. We are still living between the two houses. We can't seam to beg borrow or steal a truck to move the big things. Andys friend keeps saying he is going to help but now is avoiding us.I just wish the move was over. I finally told our landlord we where moving. I bet she is over everyday to make sure we clean the house up after we move.  Friday we had to buy Ben new glasses because he broke his old ones again. He isn't due to get frames until 1/1/07 so we had to pay for these all on our own. I wish he could have waited a month to break them. Sarah did a very good job singing at school today. But I am sad I didn't get to see Ben preform with the band tonight I was at work. I am planning to see him in the prade Saturday.

Well the appointment with the gyn was fun NOT. She did a biospy and it hurt I wont know about that until Thursday the 30. She is a very nice Dr I think I will like her. Would love to know how low my hemaglobin is. I am so tired and feel bad. I am still having blood in my stool and all in all feel rough. But I am at work. only a little over 2 hour before I get off and can go home and sleep. Then another 12 tomarrow then I am off for my week. Hubby has been off since Friday and has made 3 trips to the new house with stuff. I hope he does more tomarrow. I want most of it moved by the weekend. It is hard to live 2 places. our old house the oven don't work so I fixed Thanksgiving at the new house. Friday my dad and DJ came down and brought me my grandmas bed and my old canopy bed for Sarah. I wish we had a way to move the big stuff ourselves without having to ask for help. the way it is going it is going to take forever to get things moved.

Seam like all I do is wait. I still haven't heard from any job. I still don't have insurance to cover WLS. I was sick last week so at the urging of many Iwent to the Dr. Now I have an appointment tomarrow with a ob/gyn and one on the 7th with a surg to set up a colon thingy. I knew I should have stayed at home. My antibiotics are making me sick and all I want to do is sleep. We are moving. Well at least I am moving. I am the only one who has packed or cleaned anything to move. My Hubby just sat at the computer and didn't help at all this weekend. Now I am back to work so I will have to try to do as much as I can between working 12hrs and sleep. I sure hope the new place is worth it.