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So i didn't post on my 6 year Surgiversary!

Naughty me. 2013 wasn't a particulary awesome year for me and it began with particularly trying times which resulted in me doing what i do best. Turning to food and not taking care of myself. At my lowest in 2012 i had see the scale dip to 175. By the time summer of 2013 was rearing it's head i was looking at 215. I had let myself backslide tremendously. Knowing that i was going to have to face my surgeon's yearly visit as well as finally realizing i wasn't doing myself any favours saw me push myself back into a routine of healthier eating and regular exercise. I"m still not at that low point but am now hovering around 185. Much better in many respects.

Regular exercise is still something i do not enjoy and i'm not sure i ever will, but i appreciate the results the hard work gets me (hard work for me anyway) I still have mental goals of where i'd like to be, but what reality gives me remains to be seen. I hope 2014 will see me maintaining the work i've been putting into my body, and not letting my emotions and outside factors rule how i treat myself.

At 6 years out (i still can't believe it's been that long) i now have people in my circle of friends that have never known me as anything but what i am, and when they see older pictures of me it always results in a lot of questions as well as explainations, it's so strange to me that someone doesn't see me as, or know me as the fat girl i once was. I still don't regret the decision to have the surgery. I don't have the finances for or desire to go into debt for plastics. although every time i see my. body i can't help wonder what it would look like without the remains of my former self. I didn't officially take 6 year photos but i have photos taken from around the date that will have to do. I hope 2014 will see me reach a point where i'm satisfied with where i've gotten and i can stop seeing my body as a work in progress that i need to change and just as the body i'm living with.

Til the next time

 

6 years front 6 years side

I know..that doesn't make sense. The traditional 5th year anniversary present is wood..but it's my surgiversary..soo. nada

Well. Today is it. My 5 year Surgiversary.

I had my yearly check up about a week ago and my surgeons office was very pleased. I got to their approximate goal weight, i hadn't gained any of my weight back, i never had any complications, and i'm functioning well in the sphere of bariatric surgery. My labs are great.

Personally.. i know i could be doing better. Despite my determination and stedfastness earlier in the year i have now gone 4 months without any consistent exercise and let myself indulge in every food whim. While i'm almost the same weight as i was last year at this point, between last November and this November i had actually reached a low of 177. And maintained 177-181 for at least 6 months out of the last year and now have backslid. While i got the most comments about perhaps losing enough weight already at that low, and not having anyone comment on my regain (which may signal i'm more sensitive to it than others) i feel the difference. Not only because i'm not as physcially fit as i was 4 months ago, but also because i'm getting to the point where the clothes i had bought after reaching that point are starting to get tight or are already too tight. I don't have the money for plastics and i would never put myself into debt for them, so while i would be willing to go under the knife i've accepted (although don't like) the fact, that the damage i did for so many years will remain as evidence on my body in the form of excess skin. Thank goodness for clothes.

I'm going away in December to Europe and my goal was to reach my personal goal of 165 or a size 10. Whichever came first. I was waivering between a 10/12 earlier in the year but am now more solidly on the size 12 side of things. Im disappointed in myself for not being more in control of myself and making myself do what i should. And not seeing what you could be is depressing. I know i should be thrilled at the difference between this self and the self from 5 years ago. A lot has changed in 5 years. Not just in my physical appearance but in my life in general, some due to the surgery and some maybe out of a ripple effect. I've never regretted my surgery, only that i haven't made the best use of my tool at all times.

Strictly speaking, i am happier now than i was 5 years ago. I'm in a much better place on many levels, i definitely enjoy shopping much more. I'm more healthy and i take better care of myself. Where i need to improve is continuing to take care of myself, and to resign myself to the fact that exercise is a must, and that while i have horrible self control and i'm unfortunately blessed to love to cook, that self control is a must. My goal for the next year is still to reach my personal goal, but also to stick to a routine that will help me be able to maintain my weight and feel good about myself even if i don't reach that ultimate goal.

That's right, a random post, not anywhere near a surgiversary.

I'm sure it's just hormones (stupid uterus) but i have something on my mind.  Since my last post and the RN's challenge from last year to bring my weight down to the goal i should have reached much earlier in my journey i've been doing my best to get down to a goal i've made for myself, which is to get below the recommended limit for a healthy BMI for my height.

I know there's a lot of smack about the BMI calculations and how they don't take into account a myriad of factors relating to each invidiuals health and fitness levels..but it's the only thing i really have to go by. I've never been a "healthy" weight or slim or even in a range normal for my age or height. EVER.

So at this point in time i'm at my lowest weight, that i have ever been, that i can ever remember being. And i'm not quite happy here. I should confess i probably wouldn't lose any more weight if i could afford plastics, or had the desire to go into debt for them, which i don't. I have been putting a LOT more emphasis on exercise, and i know my body is changing underneath the skin...but all i can see is what i don't like, and i know no matter how much i exercise there is going to be loose skin and because of my life of obesity and the nature of weight loss after surgery, things are never going to be they way you wished they were in your head..

I'm at the point where i'm starting to get the "you're not trying to lose more weight, are you?" talks. It's a little hard to hear, even when i know it's done out of concern. My height masks slightly the extra weight i carry that someone 6inches shorter than me would visibly want to lose. And i never wanted to be skeletal or model thin, i don't even think that's physically possible given my obvious pre-disposition to thick thighs and loose skin around my middle. Anyway, the point is..handling that kind of feedback. I know i want to lose 10 more lbs. but 10lbs on me and 10 on again, someone 6 inches shorter than me will show two completely different ways, but if i say 10lbs, they seem to take it like i want to be see through.

I am perhaps being overly sensitive. Perhaps if i lost the 10lbs, no one would even notice it was that much. At this point i only say "a few" because i don't want to commit to a number. I appreciate hearing that people think i'm fine the way i am. But i don't know that i will ever reach a point where i ever feel i am "fine the way i am" i can only try to reach a number and see what happens from there. Perhaps i won't reach it., i don't know if my body will let me go that far without me having to make more sacrifices than is healthy, but i can try.

Till nex time

Today is my 4 year surgiversary.

I hadn't realized it'd been so long since i visited obesityhelp and my profile. I never posted anything last year. But then i've been a busy girl :)

Me and my pouch have been busy travelling all sorts of places, in general it's been good, and while sugar is hit and miss, dumping is very infrequent.  I try to curb the amount of sweets i have and the quantity when i do, a little can go a long way. My labs have all been good and i'm happy to say that i've not had any complications along the way.

Recently due partially from a challenge from the PA at my surgeons office i've taken more seriously the role exercise has to play in my life. Never really embracing phsycially activity i never really got down to my goal weight, but since making a renewed effort i have to say exercise for me especially is a huge key to not only progressing with weight loss but maintaining it. Even 4 years out the combination of using the tool of my bypass and exercising is extremely effective. It's still hard work (i sooo hate morning workouts) but the results speak for themselves. I have some size medium tops in with some loose Larges and and am in a 13 bottom (have a store here that makes the inbetweens 12's are uncomfortably tight 14's unflatteringly loose). XL's are too big and i again found myself this winter having to swap out my wardrobe.

I still struggle with the mental/emotional aspect. I don't know about others but it's still hard to shake the feeling of being your former self. That could just be me. A lifetime of low self esteem doesn't erase itself in 4 years i guess. I'm unhappy with the loose skin i have, although it is minimal compared to others i've seen, but i know it's there and i don't have the finances to do something about it now, and may never have. So it has to be something that i just learn to live with, certainly appreciate being in a fully clothed society..

I hope to continue to make progress in my weightloss. Even though my surgeon's office is happy with me losing 76% of my excess weight, i've now set my own goals that i'm working towards. Everything is new territory here, so i've somewhat arbitrarily set numbers in my head as a goal, but since i've never been any lighter as an adult (and i can say that's been the case for like the last 70lbs of loss) the goal markers keep moving as i see where that number actually leaves me in real life. Things are so much different in your head..

Till next time

Nov 9 was my two year surgiversary. I'm pretty much exactly where i was a year ago this time. I haven't lost or gained substantially and haven't needed to make whole wardrobe changes. I'm still not used to being this person. And i'm still not satisfied with my current physical shape. I would like to lose more weight still but i know that means a commitment to exercise and a stricter watch on my eating habits. The exercise is and probably forever will be something i'm loath to make room for in my life, but i can't get where i think i'd be happy without it.

The emtional and mental changes are ongoing as well. I don't know when you get to the point that you fully see yourself as a different person. Although, looking at old pictures of myself i almost have to look away. It seems like a lifetime ago and yet i can't fully seperate my mind from the physical person i used to be. I hope this coming year will see me make the effort i know i can to try to get to the place where i feel i'd be happy with my body and weight loss success. Don't get me wrong, 130lbs is a huge accomplishment that i would have never managed on my own, but that little demon inside your head that says "it's not quite good enough" is a hard sucker to squish.

I don't for one moment regret my surgery, i never have. And while i don't suggest it's a something everyone should do, for me, it was exactly what i needed.

Till next time

Well what can i say?  a year already. It seems impossible that a year has gone by so quickly..and yet..of course. It has.

The last few weeks have wreaked havoc on my usual routine and eating habits. I spent 2 weeks in england and scrounged to get fruits and vegetables in as well as enough protein, although it seemed (from my conversions from stones to pounds on their scale) that i was still losing, and then jet lag and that time of the month came right after. I've not been sleeping enough and am just now getting back into making sure i'm taking in everything i'm supposed to. So according to the scale i gained a few back of the pounds i thought i'd lost. But who knows. perhaps more sleep and more protein and water will help that. I know it sounds silly to you but if you don't sleep you won't lose weight. The scale never moves for me when i've been depriving my body of the sleep it needs.  And my body is much more sensitive to lack of sleep now than it was pre-surgery that's for sure.

So i'm not at my goal or the surgeons goal, although my appointment isn't till the end of the month i can't see me losing 20lbs by then, but in perspective i've lost 127lbs. 127 lbs!! that's a healthy adult person. And my weight loss journey isn't over. I've made a new commitment to exercising, and am determined to keep a schedule. My body needs it, i need it. And my bank account is saying i'm an idiot paying for something i'm not using.

So let's reflect on a year of changes. Firstly my recent experience flying was MUCH more comfortable than it's ever been. Not only was i not squished into the seat but i also didn't have to worry about doing up the seatbelt. Actually fitting into any seat is much less of a worry now.  Although i still quite often have that anxiety of whether or not i'm going to be able to fit into places and find myself doing those manouvers you learn as a larger person to try and make sure you don't get stuck going between narrow spaces and turnstyles and things like that. The mind takes so much longer to adjust to these changes than you'd think it would be. What ISN'T hard to adjust to is shopping. Every time i go out i discover a new store that i would never have thought i could go into and manage to find something to wear.  As i'm still in a 16, and some places run a bit smaller than others it's hit and miss on pants and jeans, being a little smaller up top, pulling an XL top off the rack is usually guaranteed to fit.  I never thought i'd be wearing anything a size 16, or XL or not have to shop in plus sizes. When i started i was wearing a 24/26 and 3/4X top. I remember wishing i was a size 18 in highschool, thinking, if i was that size i would be happy, and now i'm in a 16, and seeing that i could be even a size or two smaller when i reach my goal and i'm amazed. When i started this journey i still thought, if i got down to a size 14, it'd be a miracle..

THe mind part is still the hardest. For any of you that read this that haven't had surgery or are at the beginning. Dealing with self esteem and body image issues has been a struggle for me before and still is. I still have to cope with the warped way i view myself and am still trying to find ways to deal with that.

I hope i continue to make good choices and take care of myself and use this tool to it's best advantage. I'll keep updating every month utnil i get to the place i want to be. See you next month! 

So, this post is a weekish late.. 11 months..

I won't be able to update my weekly weigh in because.. i'm in England and i don't even think they own a scale here. We'll see what happens with my weight over the next couple weeks. I'm not exactly eating properly..it seems like they're constantly eating, i don't mean that in a bad way, but their meal times are different, and they unfortunately are always giving me huge portions (for me) and i feel bad dumping a lot of the food out..

Anyway. So 11 months out and down..wait..let me do the math in my head.. 125ish lbs?  I think that's right.. Feeling pretty good, well, i mean..right now i'm kind of tired. i brought a cold over to england with me and i've been kinda dragging since i got here but other than jet lag, i've been good. I still have to look at pictures of myself to really realize the difference. When i see pictures from before the surgery and pictures now..it's like a completely different person. I always get embaressed when other people say it, because i don't really think it's true, and then i see pictures and i think..it is.. but i still have to have that visual image in front of me, otherwise i can't really absorb the difference.

Anyway, must get on with my vacationing.

Till next month! My one year!

So. It's my 10 month surgiversary.

The last month didn't really add up to much of a loss, of course it's "that time" of the month for me right now too.. I'm pretty much fully into a size 16. Very weird to see and say. Considering 10 months ago i was looking at a size 26. 

Weird observations. My fingers look longer.  Certainly my ring size has dropped considerably. i tried on a size 7 ring on the weekend.  I was always looking for 9 and 10's before.  I have prominent shoulder blades. At least, for me they're prominent, when i'm not slouching.  My wrist bones stick out too.  My body is exactly the same smaller as it was larger, it's just smaller..does that make sense? They gym sirens are calling me, my body won't change until i start working out, it'll just be a smaller kind of rolly polly. My boobs are def smaller. I'm down a cup size from when i started. I was never big, so it doesn't bother me that much, but it's a shame they couldn't just stay the way they were.

Pictures won't be up till tomorrow. See ya'll next month.

Nine months.

I can't believe it's been nine months.

Well things have been pretty smooth, still not on that exercise band wagon. It does bother me that i'm not going, especially since i'm paying for it, but i mean, i know i should go and it would help me.

i've been putting more effort into making my meals different and enjoyable. Experimenting with recipes to jazz up the tedious task of ingesting as much protein laden food as possible. And it's been working. I've rediscovered a certain joy of cooking, and i def have to have things done ahead of time. I find if there isn't something pre-planned or pre-made i just don't get what i'm supposed to.  I may not be eating bad things, but def not getting in much protein. So it's taking more time.

I am taunted by the carb monster, although i can't handle breads, even chips, tend to be greasy and not very appealing although i have cravings for salt. I find saltines are my usual go to for a salty crunchy snack.

I dont' have much else to say at the moment but i'm slowly but surely looking forward to the day when the scale starts with a 1 instead of a 2

Well, 8 months. 

I'm a month behind now in my "grand scheme." 105lbs down. Someone asked me today how much more weight i wanted to lose, and i said probably another 40lbs, although, i think i would like to be lower weight wise even than that, and she looked me over and said she didn't think i had enough on me to lose 40lbs, maybe 20.  It's just the way it looks on me, i guess i carry it ok.  The gym, my enemy, i'm not going yet. surprise. I hate the thought of working all day and then making the effort to go to the gym after work for an hour or two. I don't get everything i should done as it is, granted i'm not very good at keeping schedules, as my friends will attest to. 

A former co-workers daughter called me yesterday at work to ask me about my surgery and information. She was considering it herself. I'm not sure how long i talked to her, i hope i gave her some good information, and helped her a bit. 

I've been reading a book called Father Hunger, about the realtionship between fathers,daughters, and food. It's pretty interesting. She pretty much pegs right on the reasons i've treated myself the way i have and think the way i do, which wasn't a big revelation for me, i sort of knew it already, it's the getting over it part that i'm stuck on.  Actually the author did raise some interesting points that i hadn't thought about before, but anyway, i'm not done with it, but i'd recommend it.

Other than that, i can't say there's anything new to report. Food isn't an issue, i'm still as picky as ever, and still end up throwing out food, although not as much as before, i'm getting better at that. only buying small amounts, which usually means shopping a couple times a week so that i'm not buying more than i need and watching stuff spoil.  I've noticed my bum isn't nearly as comfortable as it used to be. Since when? Another reason to exercise, build up something to sit on..

Anyway, before i induce boredom, i shall say goodbye and see you next month!