Not a surgiversary post!what?!

Apr 24, 2012

That's right, a random post, not anywhere near a surgiversary.

I'm sure it's just hormones (stupid uterus) but i have something on my mind.  Since my last post and the RN's challenge from last year to bring my weight down to the goal i should have reached much earlier in my journey i've been doing my best to get down to a goal i've made for myself, which is to get below the recommended limit for a healthy BMI for my height.

I know there's a lot of smack about the BMI calculations and how they don't take into account a myriad of factors relating to each invidiuals health and fitness levels..but it's the only thing i really have to go by. I've never been a "healthy" weight or slim or even in a range normal for my age or height. EVER.

So at this point in time i'm at my lowest weight, that i have ever been, that i can ever remember being. And i'm not quite happy here. I should confess i probably wouldn't lose any more weight if i could afford plastics, or had the desire to go into debt for them, which i don't. I have been putting a LOT more emphasis on exercise, and i know my body is changing underneath the skin...but all i can see is what i don't like, and i know no matter how much i exercise there is going to be loose skin and because of my life of obesity and the nature of weight loss after surgery, things are never going to be they way you wished they were in your head..

I'm at the point where i'm starting to get the "you're not trying to lose more weight, are you?" talks. It's a little hard to hear, even when i know it's done out of concern. My height masks slightly the extra weight i carry that someone 6inches shorter than me would visibly want to lose. And i never wanted to be skeletal or model thin, i don't even think that's physically possible given my obvious pre-disposition to thick thighs and loose skin around my middle. Anyway, the point is..handling that kind of feedback. I know i want to lose 10 more lbs. but 10lbs on me and 10 on again, someone 6 inches shorter than me will show two completely different ways, but if i say 10lbs, they seem to take it like i want to be see through.

I am perhaps being overly sensitive. Perhaps if i lost the 10lbs, no one would even notice it was that much. At this point i only say "a few" because i don't want to commit to a number. I appreciate hearing that people think i'm fine the way i am. But i don't know that i will ever reach a point where i ever feel i am "fine the way i am" i can only try to reach a number and see what happens from there. Perhaps i won't reach it., i don't know if my body will let me go that far without me having to make more sacrifices than is healthy, but i can try.

Till nex time

0 Comments