Tirza T.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Today was another day that really tested my willpower. I definitely ate anywhere from 40-65 more calories than I normally would on any given day. But, I am not going to beat myself up about it because, I still had nearly 100 grams of protein and was slightly under 20 grams of net carbs. I ate everything that was on my plan. I don't know if it is  just the holiday season, all of the added stress of running around twice as much as I normally would or all the food that seems to constantly be in my face...but, staying on plan has been tough and the carb monster definitely wants to come out and play. That b@tch needs to stay on the bench and not get in the game. The only way to do that is by letting the better version of myself play the game of her life. I must be my own MVP. As long as I am in the game doing the best I possibly can, then the carb monster, food addict and compulsive binger will need to stay on the sidelines or on the bench. With any luck I can get that b#tch ejected from the game permanently.

I never truly understood why people always give the advice.."take one day at a time". I didn't get it, it never made sense to me and how did I incorporate that type of metaphoric advice into my life? Then recently lightening struck and I had that "A ha" moment. I get it now and I live by it. I will not be a human yo-yo anymore, going up and down increments of 10-50 lbs over and over and over again. I have finally started to live one day at a time. If I have to, I will take it one hour at a time or minute or second. Whatever needs to be done to calm me down and give me peace and mental clarity to remain focused on my goals and my life. If I hit a stall or the scale goes up a pound; I refuse to continue to see this as a sign of my failure, to only then throw in the towel, undue all of my hard work and become the failure that I feared. I now realize if I hit a stall or gain a pound I need to  re-evaluate my behaviors and adjust or, realize that my behaviors were sound and I just need to ride it out and continue to trust myself and what I am doing for my health and my body. Eventually, the scale will show me what I want. If I do not do this history has shown that, that one pound can easily become 10 or 20 or more.

My Christmas wish for everyone on OH (including myself) is mental clarity and strength that will motivate us and see us through another holiday that is surrounded by sweets and goodies. May we make the best choices for ourselves and whatever works for us. Most of all I wish everyone a very Happy and HEALTHY Holiday!

My weight has been inching down in the last two months or so. Tuesday is the day I had surgery and it is the day I record my weight. I say record, because I get a little carried away and obesessed and step on the scale at least once a day. This week I lost a lot of weight 6 pounds. What 6 pounds????!!!!! Anyway, I don't expect to lose like that every week, but I hope I can maintain a loss every week. This process seemed like it was taking forever, but I cannot even wrap my head around the fact that I only have to lose 27 pounds to reach my goal weight. Although a lot of good things have happened (BMI is overweight, removed from all meds (sans vitamins), and have 27 pounds to goal which sounds great compared to 180 pounds) but, I have been feeling really sick. I cannot exercise and I get lightheaded and feel like I am going to pass out all the time. I get weak in my legs and my left hand and arm goes numb. I cannot figure it out. I have been going to the doctor and she assumed it was my BP, which I thought at first it was. I am 7 days off of meds and I check my BP daily and it is normal. Which means it is logical to conclude it was low before. However, after 7 days I should be feeling much better. I am now believing that my sugar is low my mother took my sugar 45 mins after eating and it was 85. Which is fairly low for having eatin. I also believe that it is low potassium. This is discouraging because I have had success in eating low carbs, but it now appears that I will have to increase my carbs. Today I added a few more carbs (which raised my calories a little) and I will see how I feel and how it affects my weight and how I feel.

Since I have gone back to work I can slowly see my life spiraling out of control again. I work six days a week and I go to college online full-time and I have 3 small children ages 2, 7 and 9. I took as much time as I could from work after the surgery which was 9 weeks (most of which was FMLA and I was not paid), but I cherised that time at home because I was able to just concentrate on me and doing the right things for this huge lifestyle change. Now that I have gone back to work I stress about everything and my hunger has returned. Obviously, this must be head hunger that is triggered by the stress. Also, when I was home I watched a lot of sleeve VLogs on You Tube and was constantly on OH for motivation. I mostly post once a month now with my results and that is it. I think I need to carve out some time for myself to start watching the Vlogs again and logging on to OH. I learn so much from the Vets and even more from the Newbies. I am still a Newbie I guess at four months out, but I mean the pre-op people. Their struggles were my struggles, their concerns and worries were mine to, their desire to get well and get healthy and yes fit into a size ten or twelve pants damnit were once my thoughts and ideas. Best of all I love, respect and admire their hope, positivity and determination regarding the sleeve. I need to get back to that. I once said I am only in this to get healthy and to stop taking all of the medication I needed to take if I want to stay alive. I was not concerned about my outward appearance but, my inward health. Does losing the weight make us more vain? Because suddenly my priorities have gotten twisted and all I think about is the appearance and the saddness I feel because of the loose skin and continued struggle with the battle of the buldge. I need a good swift kick in the ass so I can go back to that hopeful pre-op girl who just wanted her health and life back. So bring it on people, kick my ass, I will love ya for it :)

Last week I wrote a blog that I was oh so close of reaching my second weight loss goal of getting under 250 pounds. I get weighed every tuesday (since my surgery was on a tuesday) and at 6:45AM  today I weighed 246 pounds!!!!! Yeah, I am so excited and happy. I still have a very long way to go but, hitting another goal feels great. Last week I was so close and this week I blew right passed it. My mobility is improving so much, I can cross my legs again and I don't have to go up and down steps one step at a time like an 80 year old anymore. But, I am still super tired and have trouble getting rest at night because I get constant charlie horses in my calves (luckily short lived ones). I really have no energy which sucks. I just figure when I was 330lbs I was tired all the time to, so this is just something I have to deal with right now.

I made four weight loss goals for myself:

1) Get under 300 lbs
2) Get under 250 lbs
3) Get under 200 lbs
4) Reach goal of 150 lbs.

I have reached the first goal and I was so pleased.  I am so close to the second goal of being under 250 lbs that I can taste it. I need to lose 1.5 lbs to get to 249.9 lbs and get me to that goal. I really hope I can reach this goal next week. I am going to work really hard and I am going to keep my fingers crossed. I am also in love with the fact that I ate take-out very often this week and still lost 4.4lbs. This is the most weight I have lost in one week since the first two weeks after the surgery. I have steadily lost 1-2.5lbs a week since then. My take-out was on plan however. Mussels in red and white sauces (I was worried because I was able to eat quite alot of them in one sitting) and from the diet menu at my local Chinese resturant. I ordered steamed broccoli -w- scallops and steamed zucchini and chicken which did have an oyster, scallion and wine sauce.  I was thinking of eating some brown rice but, decided I am not doing any grains for now.  There is enough carbs in my veggies and I am not going to risk eating the rice yet. I am worried because I truly believe I can eat more food than most people can that are 1 to 3 years out and I am only 10 weeks out. It worries me but, I am not going to sweat it. I still cannot eat nearly as much as I used to. The results speak for themselves. I have lost a total of 78 lbs . 42lbs  have been lost since the surgery in the last 10 weeks. I am happy with that. What could I possibly have to complain about?

I was shocked really by all of the positivity I received from my surgeon and his Bariatric team. I don't remember the last time I received so much kudos and compliments in a day. They all told me I am doing really well and they believe if I keep my current state of mind and continue to follow the program I will be one of the success stories. I did not believe that I was a person that needed to be validated. However, it felt wonderful and it made me believe even more in my success. I immediately called my mother and hubby to let them know what was said because I was so proud.

I cannot believe I only have 8 more days before a large percentage of my abused and strecthed out stomach is removed. I am happy, scared and nervous all rolled into one. I am also more hopeful than I have been in a long time. I do not doubt that I will be successful with the tool I will be given. I am very confident, in fact, that it will work for me. This is a big deal for me because I am very positive for other people, but when it comes to me and how I see my life, I am more of a glass is half empty type of girl. I have felt like such a failure for a long time. So this feeling that I will succeed is remarkable. Despite this, I still fear the surgery itself but, I am hoping and praying for the best.