Amanda S.

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My weight gain began right around the same time of the on set of puberty also around that time is when my father past away.  However I look back at the photos and I do not believe I had a weight problem but everyone told me I did and kept trying to put me on diets. To make things worse in 9^th and 10^th grade kids made fun of me for being big – they actually mooed when I would walk down the hallway. Around the age of 15 my mother and I joined nutri system I don’t remember how much I weighed before but after we were done I was down to 135lbs I was also a size 10.  People started to ask me if I was sick because I just was too thin.  Once I went off eating their pre-packaged food I started to gain weight again.  I continued to eat and gain and lose sometimes.  I tried different methods of loosing weight my own created diets, which only worked for a short period of time.  I tried weight watchers for three months and lost 4lbs.  I attempted Atkins and just couldn’t stick to it.  I attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings I just couldn’t find myself to commit to it.  I tried a supervised diet that restricted all types of flour and sugar – that was the most difficult diet I had ever tried I believe I lasted about 4 months or so and lost 50lbs, it was difficult because I had to eat at certain times and eating out was not an option.  I felt very trapped by that diet. I’ve tried a couple different miscellaneous diets since then which only last a short time then I go back to old ways.  At one point I even tried hypnosis. I know: If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.  So here I am trying what I hope will be the final change to make things right. 

Letter to my fat January 2007:
Dear Fat,
You have been such a comfort to me over the years, but now that I have begun to heal myself I realize you have over stayed your welcome. I do know that I invited you and leaned on you to comfort and protect me. I found out that our relationship is not healthy and it must come to an end. You take more from me than you give, you cause me to be heavy which caused my joints pain.  You cause me to think bad thoughts about myself and make me some times want to hurt myself. It is because of you that I feel people judge me regarding my size before getting to know me. I think it is you that makes me eat more sometimes – because I’m already fat so what does it matter if I keep eating. Because of you I have to pay more for clothes – big clothes cost more. I have trouble with chairs that have arms, movie theater seats and airplane seats. Did you know your killing me – you put strain on my heart and body.  I’m more likely to get certain diseases because of our relationship. You are so connected to me I know leaving won’t be easy for you or me. But it has to happen you have to go! There is no choice in the matter. I don’t like to look at you so I avoid photos and sometimes mirrors – you blur my thinking. I should hate you with all my soul, but how can I hate something that is indeed part of me. I don’t hate you – you’re just not healthy for me. When you leave I will not miss you I can promise that! Basically I feel like you’re a force of evil in my life both physically and mentally. I want to be freed from you. It is time for change you need to find a new place to live because my body is no longer for rent.  I am reclaiming me away from you.

Letter to my fat August 2007:
Dear Fat,
I can’t believe I’m about to say this but I’m starting to miss you, however I do not want you to return.  I miss you in the way you miss that guy that first broke your heart. You never really get over him but you know it’s over and not healthy to dwell on.  I used to be able to blame you for anything that went wrong in my life – its ok – I’m fat.  Well I’ve now lost about 50lbs of you; I’m starting to feel like I can no longer blame being fat for my problems.  Now I know I’m still considered fat and I still have a lot more of you to kick to the curb before I’ll even consider myself thin. However I have found that I can no longer hide behind you.  My mind is changing along with my body.  I never realized how much I blamed on being fat. Someone didn’t like me, I didn’t get the job, someone looked at me funny, someone got mad at me – it wasn’t me it was because I was fat. Well I have found out that is not true at all – it is me and that is really hard to deal with.  I have to learn to accept that I can not please everyone and everything will not go my way all the time and that has nothing to do with weight and you know what its OK because it is part of my learning process.  So not only have I had to relearn how to eat but I also have to relearn how to respond to things.  The fat me turned to food for everything.  The not as fat me still turns to food but not as much and as time goes by I will turn to food less and less, until I have found new ways to cope with emotions and stress.  Now that my identity is no longer the fat chick I’m not really sure who I am or just how I fit into the world.  I’m on a rediscovery journey.  I have really great days and I have really bad days – I found out that this makes me normal.  How do you know who you are when you feel like your identity has been taken away?  I feel naked without my fat exposed to the world – just me no excuses.  That’s so scary.  On the days when I really miss you I remind myself that you are not healthy for me.  That our breakup is going to be the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.   Getting rid of you is getting me physically healthy and dealing with what you stood for in my life will help get me mentally healthy.  So now that some of your bags are backed and have moved out I need to figure out who I am without you and get the rest of your stuff out.

 My Time Line:
2007
Jan 18 – Attended Informational Seminar
Jan 31 – Consult with Dr. Curry’s Office
Feb 12 – Pysch Eval
Feb 14 – Paperwork submitted to insurance company
Mar 1 – I’m Approved!!
Mar 8 – Nutrition Class
Mar 20 – Pre Admission Testing
Mar 30 – Surgery Date
Apr 5 - Surgery Follow Up
Apr 26 - First Fill - 1.5cc
May 24 - Second Fill - 0.5cc
Jun 7 - Third Fill - 0.5cc
Jul 11 - Fourth  Fill - 0.2cc
Sep 5 - Fifth Fill - 0.2cc
Oct 3 - Sixth fill - 0.2cc
Nov 7 - seventh fill - 0.3cc
2008
Mar 1 - eighth fill - 0.4cc
Mar 30 - 1 year anniversary
Apr 28 - ninth fill - 0.1cc
Jun 6 - Joined Fast Track
Jun 23 - first unfill - 0.2cc
2009
Jan 2 - back to basics
Mar 30 - 2 year anniversary
Jul 1 - Check in with Dr. Curry's office for pep talk
Aug 10 - unfill - 0.5cc
Dec 28 - unfill - 0.5cc
2010
Jan 18 - unfill - 0.3cc

Dec 2006 - 310 

Jan 2007 - 304.8 

Feb 2007 - 297.5 

Mar 2007 - 283.4 - Surgery 

Apr 2007 - 270.8 

May 2007 - 273.0 

Jun 2007 - 263.0 

Jul 2007 - 257.8

Aug 2007 - 254.6 

Sep 2007 - 250.6 

Oct 2007 - 246.2 

Nov 2007 - 244.2 

Dec 2007 - 246.2
Jan 2008 - 240.6
Feb 2008 - 238.6
Mar 2008 - 234.8
Apr 2008 -  236.4
May 2008 - 239.2
Jun 2008 - 237.8
Jul 2008 - 234.0
Aug 2008 - 235.4
Sep 2008 - 236.4
Oct 2008 - 240.2
Nov 2008 - 242.5
Dec 2008 - 245.5

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