A letter to my baby

Sep 30, 2009

Dear Tristan,

On Sunday, God took you home.  I never heard your little heartbeat. I never saw an image. I didn’t even know whether you were a little girl or boy. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love and bond with you my little angel.  I am now left with this hole and ache in my heart.  Did you have a soul yet? I feel that a piece of my soul left when I lost you.  How is it so possible to love something so much that you can hurt in ways you never knew.  I never saw your smile, I never touched your little face but you left little footprints on my heart.  I never got to hear you laugh or cry.  Now I cry for the both of us.  Each tear I cry helps to heal the hurt and loss I am experiencing.  I cry out for you.  My arms are empty.  My soul aches. I feel broken.  I feel so lost. 

I remind myself that you are in paradise with the same God that gave you to me.  The God that blessed my life with having you as a part of me in the first place.  The same God that is going to use the experience for a purpose in my life.  I don’t have the answers and I know in time they will be revealed for now I mourn, for now I cry, for now and always I will miss you my little angel.

My dearest baby you are safe in the arms of God along with your grandma and grandpa.   I picture all of you together smiling down on me.  That image warms my heart if only for a moment.  I know time will help heal the hurt I feel.  But for now I mourn you, for now I cry, for now I sit in my grief and wonder about you.  I love you my baby. 

Love,

Mommy

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