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It's so hard to believe that it was only 2 years ago this week that I started my pre-op liquid diet.  Life has had it's ups and downs, but overall I'd have to say it's been amazing.

When I started this journey, I knew there would be changes.  I'd have to change my eating habits; change my sedentary lifestyle (always a work in progress ); change my way of thinking about my weight; and hit consignment stores as my body changed and sizes went down.  But it never truly sunk in how much all that weight I had gained had affected my life.  There was a dark cave I had crawled into and came out of only when necessarily.  I hid in larger baggier darker clothes - at least I thought I was hiding.  And it took almost two years for me to realize that I wasn't hiding.  I was projecting a message to everyone else around me how unhappy I was within myself.  My company is pretty good to work for - no company is perfect.  But there were serious problems at work by the time I chose WLS.  Now I can look back and see it was primarily me.  Another party was a major contribution - but only because I let them be.  My incredibly low self esteem and low self worth made me ripe for someone to come along and try to squash me like a bug.  They were almost successful.  Deciding on this surgery was unknowingly the first step I'd taking in regaining Amy Jackson back... it'd been so long since I'd seen her.

Yes.  I am back.  I'm not just like I was before the massive weight gain, thank God.  I'm better.  More knowledgeable.  More willing to admit when I'm completely at a loss and ask for help.  If a compliment comes my way, I no longer run the other direction.  And I think my husband loves that I am no longer hiding in a crowd when we go somewhere.  I've never been the type to want to be the center of attention & have no desire to start that now.  But really, 21 years ago I was raped.  The "r" word is still very hard to type or say out loud.  But I realize that was the beginning of my decline.  It started with drinking, then with drugs.  Once I'd pulled myself out of that lifestyle, I turned to my childhood best friend, comfort food.  During my comfort food phase, I met the most wonderful man who saw the inner me.  He married me not for who he thought I could be but he could see through my facade to who I already really was.  Years ago, after the assualt, I was upset about weight gain and discussing it with Victims Assistance counselor.  If I was "all better", why was my weight only going up?  Twenty years ago she told me it would come down when I was ready and not before.  Right or wrong, my psyche used that weight as some sort of protection.  But that armour began suffocating me.

"...when I was ready and not before."  Two years ago Dec 3rd, I was ready.  My office is primarily a female environment.  As my weight loss became more apparent, the majority of my coworkers became increasingly supportive.  It's like I'd become this big huge catapiller who was slowly shedding all the skin I'd been hiding under.  They began cheering me on and encouraging me and that helped so much.  Oh, there were the naysayers, "well of course she's loosing weight.  She cheated and had WLS."  I've learned to ignore them.  Or if they're bold enough to say it directly to me, I've offered to educate them.  Compliments now come my way.  I'm learning not to duck and hide.  Men are now noticing me.  That is kind of scarey - but becoming less and less scarey as my self-confidence grows.  I'm no longer the woman who was victimized all those years ago. 

Self doubt rears it's ugly head occasionally.  Comfort food calls to me occasionally.  I'm getting better and better at fighting both off.  God loves me.  My family loves me.  They always have.  What's really new and exciting?  Is now I'm beginning to love and appreciate myself. 

So a partial unfill and a vacation to the South?  Not a good combination.  It was a practice in self-control.  I wouldn't say I flunked, but definitely in the "C" category.  Put on a few pounds (who knew grits could be so good when they're made by someone who's had them their whole life?)  Luckily all the baked goods our hosts made had walnuts in them.  Can't handle walnuts at all - so wasn't even tempted by those.  

Although I do not have anywhere near the restriction I had at my sweet spot, I can now recognize how much I ate pre-surgery and how out of control it was.  My exercise was minimal on my trip - mostly walking.  LOTS of time sitting in the car.  But even when I was eating more than I knew I should - it was no where near the volume I had been taking in this time two or three years ago.  Wow!  How did I get soooo out of control? 

Putting on 4 lbs is so incredibly frustrating.  I recognize the actions (and lack of action) that brought on those 4 lbs.  Life is not over.  It is not hopeless.  I'll take them back off and continue my journey to keep going down.  I recognize it's going to be slower WL now that I'm this far out from surgery.  But I'm not done yet.  Next Thursday my doctor will start putting more fluid back in my band.  That will help a lot.  AND I HAVE TO UP MY EXERCISE!!!!! 

The pounds on the scale are a measure for me - but I'm looking more into sizes at this time.  Size 16 is wonderful.  Can't wait to hit 14's.  Because of the huge boobs (they were big before I ever put on the weight), I don't think I'll be able to go down too much in tops.  But the breast reduction is something that will make a big (no pun intended) difference in my fit as well as neck and shoulder pain.  That will probably be at the end of the year our early 2012. 

Now after this entry?  Time for some yard work now that we FINALLY have sunshine! Then the gym!

Last few months have been odd off and on for my restriction.  I could make a bunch as guesses as to why... hormones? Allergies with sinus issues? Who knows? 

Confession time: It has come to a head over the last week.  I really have hardly been able to eat.  It's been a challenge to get the 800 calories/day in much less anything else.  Over the last week or so, I've resorted back to protein shakes cuz I was worried about not getting enough protein in. And water?  Haven't even been able to drink 20 to 40 oz, much less the necessary 60oz. What is going on? 

Then heartburn kicks in.  And odd coughing at night.  My doctor always asked me at my f/ups in the first year if I had heartburn, reflux, coughing.  I always thought they were odd questions.  When it started happening, I chalked it up to other reasons.  The last few nights a higher power pretty much had to hit me upside the head so that I would get my (shrinking) butt into the doctors.  I called them first thing this morning.  The last few nights I've had weird coughs/breathing issues where a chunk of food (gross!) comes flying up.  It's a tiny little piece & wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that 1) it should not be happening, and 2) it's happening while I'm in a solid sleep pattern so I wake up choking/coughing and trying to get my breathing back under control.  It continues on to occur 3 to 4 times a night. 

Hubby is out of town & I have never taught our dog how to dial 911 on the phone.  We're coming up on a weekend, and Dr Nair's words keep popping into my head.  Time to start listening.  His nurse, Debbie, got me in right away.  She'd spoken with my doctor and let me know they wanted to take out 1.5 cc's. 

Why does this make me want to cry?  It shouldn't.  I am so lucky to have a lap band so that I can get adjustments when things are going well.  Isn't that one of the reasons I decided on this procedure rather than the others?  .  So I am too attached to my saline solution & it's time to let go a little. 

Ultimate results?  It's been two hours since they took out the 1.5 cc.  I was able to eat half of a small salad with chicken in it (most I've had a one time in 4 or 5 weeks) - had no "stop signs" but recognized that I was no longer hungry; waited a half hour and have just finished 16 oz of water.

Will hunger hit soon?  What will I do to handle it?  They want me to take 10mg pepcid morning & night for a few weeks.  They also ordered an upper GI - just to make sure my lap band is happy & healthy.  She said they'd be ordering it in a few months as a normal f/up anyhow. 

And one other thing?  I'm now down to 186lbs.  They whole office staff was so excited when I walked in there this morning.  I've always had my own goal of 165 in my head.  Debbie encouraged me to rethink this goal.  I see the changes in my neck & my face - but my mind still pictures the rest of my body the way it used to be.  A coworker says we should have "twirly-skirt Tuesdays" (broomskirts are coming back).  I thought about picking one up at ColdWater Creek or making one, but then I pictured my body in one.  But what I pictured was my old body.  How do I get around this?

I'm pretty confused right now & wish I had someone to talk to.  So I thought I'd write it all out.

I'm here at a sleep clinic in Oregon.  This time I am jazzed for it... I am here to find out if I no longer need my CPAP machine!!!!  Had to reschedule it from last week as I STILL had my cold.  It's going away now finally (knock wood), and I'm hoping my minor sniffles won't make a difference. 

On the Board there always seem to be a lot of questions about sleep studies so I thought I'd journal my evening.

Being the last-minute person that I am, I worked late rather than getting off on time, then realized I never picked up my ambien prescription yet!  Zipped home, had a light (okay - and speedier than I should have) dinner, through jammies and my toothbrush (& my laptop, and my ebook, and on, and on) in my backpack and headed out the door to run to the nearest pharmacy.  After begging forgiveness of the wonderful people at the Walgreens pharmacy for me running in late and being in a hurry, they quickly filled my Rx, and I drove down the street to this Sleep Center. 

We are here in an office building, but the rooms are setup with nice beds, an armoire with a tv like you would see in a hotel - and even a little desk.  This center has a bathroom with a shower in each room (Love that! Where I went for my first study we shared one - but that was alright).  After getting in my jammies, my sleep-tech Shirly wired me up.  Here's my pic: 
  Had to stick my tongue out - gotta do something for the pose... Love my hair?  She slicked it back with goo so the wires on my head won't come loose while I am sleeping. 

So now I'm sitting in the cumfy chair typing out this blog.  When I am ready to go to bed, Shirley said she would come in and hook me up to the equipment.  Then it's bedtime!  I'll try to post more tomorrow.  But so far, so good. 

P.S. Like I said, this facility is very nice.  My insurance normally does everything in-house at their own facilities.  Every one was very friendly there as well.  The rooms were clean & the beds were comfortable.  It wasn't setup quite like this, so I feel lucky they're backed up right now. 

----1/6/2011 - Morning follow-up. 
Sleep study went well!  My Super-Tech Shirley said I only had a 3 minor episodes during one part of the night when I slept on my back.  This is amazing compared to the study I had 8 or 9 years ago when the episodes were in the high upper digits per HOUR and not just per night.  She never needed to come in and put a mask on me.  Below are pictures of the room at this place.  It was very comfortable & Super-Tech made me feel even more comfortable with the whole situation.  They'll send the information they compile to my pulmonologist & she'll give me the final word - device to wear in my mouth?  Or am I off the hook now?   Either way, I am ecstatic!  Love my Band!!!  Love my surgeon!!! & Love my OH-friends who have supported me throughout this last year.  Here is to another great year!
  

Someone had asked about how to tell if restriction was enough or too much.  This was my word-y answer (some comments deleted as they were just between us - so some of the sentences may not make sense. If anyone does ever read this, please feel free to add any comments if something works differently for anyone else. 

...Being really tight on restriction in the morning is common for a lot of people.  Some are able to ease up on restriction by having a cup of coffee or tea first.  Others aren't into breakfast anyhow.  My NUT said that as long as I at least get in my protein shake in the morning, then I will be alright.  At times my hubby makes oatmeal.  I'm at the point now where I can eat about a 1/4 cup of it as long as I remind myself to take tiny bites and do it slowly.  Then I'm satisfied for about 4 hours. 

As with yours, my restriction eases up as the day progresses.  For quite awhile when I was still in the "bandster hell" phase, I was really tight in the morning and then could even eat sushi in the evening if I wanted.  It was so frustrating and I was worried the band wasn't working for me.  Like I said before, my fills now are pretty small.  After that next small fill, I hit a great level and the pounds started dropping as long as I kept eating the proper foods.  What a great feeling!

My restriction is still pretty tight in the morning.  As time goes on from my last fill, it's becoming just a little bit less in the afternoons/evenings.  It's enough to where I can eat a healthy meal about 1/2 of food if I were to measure it that way.  Sometimes a little more. 

Hmm... I'm rambling.  Anyhow, my point is, that as you get more fills under your belt you will start to get more restriction throughout the day.  After your fill, eat really slow as you progress back to regular food.  It can sneak up on you.  Try to remember to take time in between your tiny bites.  Try measuring your food out to 1/4 cup.  If you eat that and are still physically hungry later, try another 1/4.  If you are still hungry after that, try to make yourself stop. Watch for ANY soft-stop signs - a burp, hiccups, extra saliva forming - they are telling you that you can still fit food in but you will regret it shortly after.  Have you experienced that yet?  Once you miss the warning signs, there is not much you can do aside from stop eating immediately.  Keep a cup or water bottle handy to spit in as the saliva forms (sliming) so you can spit it out rather than swallowing.  You'll want to wait it out.  The pressure in your chest is the knock on your head saying, "hello, you did not hear me the first time?"  And WE ALL go through it.  So don't beat yourself up.  You'll have to wait it out.  It can take an hour or two but it does eventually subside as the food slowly passes through the stoma from the pouch to the stomach.  What you want to avoid is vomitting.  If it happens, go to liquids for the rest of the day.  Even if you think you can eath - it's not worth the risk of slipping that band.  These are things I've learned from other OH'rs', Lisa O, Jean, & many others - along with learning it the hard way.  If, after vomitting, you're not able to ease back into liquids then mushies the next day - call your doctor. 

Okay, one more tip after you get your fills - you never know when a food is no longer going to work for you.  When you start going from mushies to solids, try new things indiviually.  You may have been able to eat bread the day before the fill, but it likely won't work once you hit real restriction.  That was me with bread and with sushi.

When you go in for your fills, just be honest with yourself and your doctor - run through that color chart on where you're at satisfaction-wise, weightloss-wise, how much you can eat, and when you become hungry again.

And I never want to find them again!!!

I told my surgeons asst yesterday at my 9 mos f/up that I'm just not seeing the weight loss.  She came back in a little while later & showed me my pic from my first visit there.  Wow!    So yeah.  I definitely saw the difference.  I need a copy of that pic.  One of my friends who live out of state wants an updated pick on my FB profile.  It has the same pic as above & that's about 2.5 years ago.  Guess I'll need to find someone who will take a pic for me cuz I don't have any.  Holly?  Are you reading this????

Dr Nair was extremely pleased with my progress.  I was worried he'd really get on me about not getting weight training in yet.  He said he understood I just need to work through it.  He asked if I actually wanted to go to a gym, stressing that it's not for everyone.  And that's the thing.  I do want to be involved in one.  I enjoy working out on weight equipment... and used to really enjoy step classes when they were all the rage (dating myself).  I'm looking forward to getting the nerve up to trying Zumba at some point.  He's happy with my walking & a few of my friends gave me some suggestions to compliment the walking till I'm ready to face the gym doors.  So I know I can do this. 
Bloodwork was great.  Was a little worried about that because I've had such a hard time kicking a cold/sinus infection.  So that's good to know.  We talked about doing a fill, but it isn't the best idea while I still have the sinus drainage.  Disgusting as it is, it takes up room in the stomach as well.  It's safer to wait until I've kicked it. 

My little yorkie Daisy and I went for our walk last night.  I was feeling pretty good so we added on some distance.  Poor little thing with her dinky little legs was pretty tired.  I think I better call the vet & see how far I should be walking her.  I might need to walk her only so far & then carry her the rest of the way.

Looking forward to the weekend.  I'd just like to relax.  But for now, lunch is over & need to head back to my desk.  I'm so cold today!  Heard that happens with weight loss.  Wish I'd of brought a sweater.

So weird to see a number on the scale like the 209 I saw on Sunday.  I actually got on & off the scale a few times just to make sure it wasn't wrong.  11 more pounds and I'll be out of the 200's for life.  Wow!   

It's been a really rough summer, but things are looking up.  My mom is healing from her surgery, and my mother-in-law is such a huge help now in helping fill my mom's time. 

Our little dog is getting used to the family dynamic of the loss of our older dog, Henry.  Even our neighbors have been supportive.  Henry used to be such a high-maintenance dog, but he really wormed his way into the hearts of our closest neighbors.  It really catches me off guard sometimes.  One neighbors Scottie dog has a bark exactly like my Henrys.  'Bout fell out of the chair the other night when she was barking.

WLS-wise, I have my 9 month postop appointment later this week (so, it's a month late).  Too bad they won't let me weigh naked so I could be 209!  I'm sure fully dressed it'll be at least 212.  Oh well. 

WLS-mental-wise - I'm just not seeing my WL for the most part when I look in the mirror.  I saved my biggest pair of jeans I used to wear & put those on the other day.  My brain sees the difference in the close... size 24/26 to 16/18. 

WLS- exercise - I am sucking dirty pond-water.  My weight loss, health, and skin would be so much better if I could force myself into a gym for weight training.  But I just can't step foot inside of it.  Wish my hubby were home to just load me in the car and force me in.  I'm not sure how to get past this hurdle.  I'm scared of actually going in; scared of then getting on a machine; terrified I'll injure myself & weight will only go up.              Hmm.... well.... pre-WLS I would join gyms, do kick-@$$ workouts, lose weight, get an injury (usually neck or knees), go down for the count and gain my weight back and then some.  I'm going to have to think about that.   If I'd get into the gym at least 5 days a week, I bet I could get to One-derland in about 3 weeks.

I used to think my bathtub was too small.  Then I found out I was too big!

We get to telecommute a few days a week.  I'm sitting up here in my special office chair my hubby got me.  It was so uncomfortable back then.  Now it's perfect!  Instead of goldilocks trying all different things, her different body is trying the same old things.  It's like Christmas everyday with things I already own!

And I am having a hard time dealing with it. 

Mom was in the hospital for three nights.  I work in insurance.  Hospitals just don't keep people that long if they're not worried.  She was having a hard time breathing.  She's had mild emphysema for about 9 years.  But the bronchitis she came down with after we returned from a road trip to California seems to have put her over the edge and worsened the emphysema.  I'm so worried.  And I try not to be when I'm around her.  I try to be just, "Okay, this is the way it is and this is what we have to do going forward."  Inside, I want my Mommy to make it all better.  But she can't, cuz it's Mom that is the one who needs me now. 

So along with this, they're doing a reorg at work.  Literally and figuratively.  They've reoranized how we do things including where we are all sitting.  My little group I sat with before is the group that supported me and encouraged me throughout my preop and postop phases.  We're still in the same unit, but all sitting in different areas.  Now I'll be sitting with three new people.  Two that I barely know and one that I know but have not worked super closely with.  Two don't know about my lapband.  One knows, but is a size 1 and thinks my surgery could have been avoided if I'd just tried harder.  Maybe tomorrow I'll have a more positive attitude.  But today?  I just wanna curl up in a ball and hide under some covers.

I want to do non-food rewards for big goals.  Like I noted in my last entry, I was going to do a facial for breaking 250lbs, but then I talked myself out of it - like, "I really shouldn't.  Losing the weight should be enough reward."  To me?  Yesterday was a sign bopping me on the head that it's okay & motivating to do rewards.  The facial was a biggey for me as that has been a barrier I've come up agains for the last 8 years.  Now I'm done with it!!!  Celebrate!

So what is next.  I'm so close to breaking 220, but I don't want to do an other big reward for that.  I'm think a whopper (no relation to a BK Whopper :-)   reward for breaking 200.  I'm also thinking of a small reward for breaking 210.  It would seem amazing to me to see that I'd be so close to 200.  Maybe I'll just buy myself some beautiful flowers.  I don't really want clothes as a reward, cuz I don't like spending money on new clothes right now.  I did that 4 weeks ago for jeans & everyone's teasing me at work today that they are already too big.  Hmmm.....