On how I've changed.... (As copied from my Facebook page)
Nov 25, 2009It's not easy to write this......
I was just cleaning up my computer and I came across a folder containing pictures from the day I got married. Now, this is NOT going to be another "bash Andrew for the fun of it" post. I've said all that needs to be said about THAT subject. This is different. As I was going through the pictures, I got teary-eyed. Not because of the fact that that marriage is now over, but because of how I LOOKED.
As many of you know, over the last 14 months, I have worked VERY hard to lose weight. I was big my whole life, but in the last 10 years, it spiraled to unhealthy proportions. I was sick all the time, everything hurt, I was depressed... I was MISERABLE.
I'm not gonna bash him (as I said), but he didnt help. I stopped going out with friends, I stopped cooking--eating big macs in front of the computer was way easier and kept him happy. It's not all his fault, I take 90% of the blame.... but he certainly didnt make it any easier. At some point, I just got to the point where I didnt want to do anything. I wanted to stay home with my husband and be a fat lump. It was easier.
In september 2009, I decided to do something about it. I was pre-diabetic, my blood pressure was skyrocketing, and I was in constant pain. I decided that I wanted to be the Amber I DESERVED to be, not this awesome chick trapped in a huge body.
So, I did something about it.... It hasn't been easy, hell, at times its been pretty rough. But in the 14 months since I decided to lose weight, I have seen myself change in SO many ways. I've become more confident, I look people in the eyes instead of down at the floor.... Ive gained some much needed self-respect. I LOVE my life now... I love MYSELF now.
Today at work, I decided that it was time to take a full picture to post. No more "fat girl angle shots" for me. So I did. When I got home, I uploaded it to my computer, and while I loved it on my phone, in full size, I thought that I still looked too fat to put it on my page..... For shits and giggles, I started cleaning out old pics on my computer. Thats when I came across the folder of wedding pictures. When I saw my "old" self, I actually said out loud "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!". It was then that I decided that the new picture I had taken was fucking hot, and I actually wanted to share it.
Its not easy for me to post this picture. I'm still ashamed at the way I used to be. How did I let things become so out of control? But if I DONT acknowledge the way i used to be, I am doomed to become her again, and for me that is absolutely NOT an option.
I'm not done yet, I'm still losing weight and still working on the emotional issues that helped me balloon the way I did, but writing this story and posting this picture is a BIG step towards assuring a BEAUTIFUL and HEALTHY future.
If you've read this far, thank you. To my friends and family, thank you for never making me feel like I was a bad person for being so overweight. I know it probably wasnt easy watching me slowly kill myself, and I'm sorry that I worried you.... Just know that as the pounds fall off, my life gets better and better. I love you guys and I'm doing this in part because I wanna stay around for you for a long LONG time.
I suppose that's all I have to say at this point. Thank you for being so supportive through all of this and know that it is, in part, due to your encouragement that I am able to write these words.
Jun 30, 2008