amberstarr

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((As copied from my Myspace blog))
Will the new me be a better me?
Current mood: accomplished

So, in speaking with the therapist that works with everyone in the 6 month surgery program, I have realized that I could potentially have my surgery by February 2009.  That's really not far away.  I know that I keep saying that this surgery will not change me as a person... Than I'm still gonna be the same old Amber that I've always been.  Yep, I'm gonna be me.......
But am I?
Pretty much my ENTIRE life has been spent in the same role: Fat, Funny, Make Everyone ELSE Smile Amber. I've always been the SIDEKICK. The clumsy best friend who talks sh!t about the "pretty girls"- but inside wishes to god that she could be one of them... even for a day.
Usually smiling on the outside-but crying as soon as she is alone.
Not to sound emo or anything- it just is what it is.....

Now, I have the chance to change that- I will get to be the pretty girl. I won't be the fat asshole, cracking jokes about her weight so that no one else can do it first. 

The more I think about it, how can that NOT change me????  That has been the entire basis of my personality for at least the last 20 years... What am I going to do when people start to see more than just "the fat girl"?  The thought is terrifying and f**king exciting as hell all at once. 

Am I going to become one of those b**ches I so hate now?  I hope not... but you never know....

I've never been into girly crap like shopping and make up because there was never a point! I couldn't shop in the trendy stores like my friends because they never had stuff that fit or looked good on me- and I gave up on make up because, well, you can't shine sh!t. Seriously- it doesn't matter how much time I spend slathering crap on my face- I'm not happy with whats undernieth.......so there's no point....

What's gonna happen when I CAN shop at cute stores... and I actually LOVE myself enough to put the effort into all the girly crap???
That's GOTTA change me a little, right??

I also worry about how other people will treat me- If I start getting treated differently- even if its BETTER- will I end up resenting them because- Hey, I'm still Amber- and you didn't give me the time of day before..... why now????  Will I get a chip on my shoulder and treat people like crap because I've been treated like shit for so long???

I hope not.  I get scared because, in all honesty, I have been mocked, hurt, made a fool of A LOT in my life... and once the tables are turned.... how will I feel? 

Will my friends see me differently? What if I'm not the funny sidekick anymore, and I want MY place in the limelight- will they think I'm being a d!ck?? If I spend lots of time getting ready to go out (instead of my current 10 minutes)- and dress hotter, and look pretty- will they think I've become stuck up??

And what about Andrew? Let's be honest- he's never had to worry about me before. He's never had to deal with guys checking me out- I'm not trying to down myself- it's a fact- How will he feel if we go out and maybe I start getting attention--- will he become jealous and resent me?? Or will he be proud to have a hot wife? =)  I would hope that he knows that I'd never skank around, but I'm not gonna be "safe" like I am now.... I won't be frumpy-jeans and sweatshirt girl-I hope that makes sense....

Don't get me wrong- NOTHING will stop me from having this surgery.  I have wanted it for far too long... and I've suffered enough.  I want- I NEED this change in my life....  I'm just starting to wonder about all the psychological changes that are gonna happen.....


((And just so you know, writing all of this down is a BIG step for me... Admitting to this crap feels pretty good.... but again, its also really scary))

If you've actually read all of this, thank you. Seriously.

So, this morning at 8:00 am, I went to Lehigh Valley Hospital for my first "Group Medical Visit". Basically, this is "Month 2" in the 6 month program that i have complete before they will zip-tie my guts.  After signing in and paying my $10.00 specialist visit copy (Thanks Blue cross *wink & click*), I met with Lou, the nurse who weighed me and took my blood pressure. Apparently, I have lost 7 pounds since my initial visit on August 26th... What WHAT!! I was pretty jazzed about that, considering that I lose weight about as easily as... well... nothing... It's freakin difficult.
My blood pressure was a little high, but I was told that it may have been partly because of being nervous or some crap, so they weren't overly concerned.  After all that hot mess, Lou explained the program, and we met Beth, the dietician, and Jerry, the resident therapist/social worker.  They both seemed like good people.  I dunno, I'm not crazy about doctors, but I am going to make this work.  I had to sign an initial contract that stated a bunch of guidelines that I have to follow while in the program like: commit to losing some weight before surgery,  give up all carbonated beverages (diet or otherwise), commit to a lifetime of vitamin-taking... etc

The last condition was that post-surgery, I have to find an acceptable form of birth control and not get myself knocked up for one year.

I was like "NOOOOOOOO PROBLEM!"




Tomorrow, I am going to the Hospital for a support meeting- i have to go to 2, so I figure no time like the present. Plus, they're doing some cooking demonstration, so it might be interesting.... if it's not, I can always play Guitar Hero on my cell phone *KIDDING!!*

After the meeting, I made appointments for upcomming visits-

9/29 3pm- Meet with therapist for initial evaluation (I got me the crazies!)
9/29 any time- Get bloodwork at the lab ( I don't like this one)
10/14 8am- Group Medical Visit
10/20 9:30pm- Sleep Study (Not looking forward to this one either)
10/24 8am- Meet with dietician so she can tell me that I need to stop eating like it's going out of style

So yeah, I went from not seeing a doctor for TEN YEARS, to now going there a million effing times.

This is gonna be so worth it   =)

On a side note, I just wanna say thank you to everyone who is supporting me through all this crap. I joke around a lot, but the thought of major surgery really does scare the s**t out of me. It helps though when I see all you guys cheering me on and offering support. It means more to me than I can even begin to say...
(End sappy crap)