amoonday

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Hi OH Family,
It's been a minute!   Wow, so much is going on.  I am maintaining my current weight, however, I do feel guilty about my lack of excercise.  I haven't loss any more weight but I believe I have gain 4 lbs.  I will have to work on that.  I believe I may have become comfortable and I certainly do not want to forget the hardwork it took to get me here.  So far I am holding steady in a size 10-I think I would like to stay this size or go down to an eight.  I feel better than I have felt in a long time.  I am so thankful God gave me the courage to have this surgery!

While in church the other day I received a powerful message.  The speaker shared this quote and I can't get it out of my head, "WHO YOU ARE COMES OUT IN THE FIGHT."  I perceived the message to mean, based on the example she provided, that whenever you are going through something your true being, who you are,  will come out in your struggle.  If you are going through a financial struggle do you develop resources?  If you are struggling with a relationship do you weigh your options and think or do you automatically react?  When you have weight loss surgery and your're at that point when you can finally eat solid foods do you choose wisely?  I relate that quote to my weight loss surgery.  I have been so afraid when I hear stories of people gaining their weight back.  I think, "Oh no, that could be me.  I better hold onto my clothes.  I better not get over confident.  What if I have wasted money and time on this surgery?"  But, I take the speaker's words and I receive it...who I  am comes out in the fight.  This tool is my blessing.  Weight loss will be a constant struggle to me, that will always be obvious.  How I handle the struggle tells who I am.  As the years go by I can choose to let go, give up...or I can choose to stick with the plan and stay healthy.  My determination, or lack of, will tell who I am.  Am I person who wants this?  Or am I a person who gives up?  Years from now I want to look at this post and know "who I am came out in the fight!"

Well, it's been a while since I have posted.  I am still losing weight a little slower than I would like, but I have to tell you I am happy with my progress.  I am extremely excited about the fact that I can go into a store and try on clothes located in the "regular misses department".  It's an unbelieveable feeling to like how you look in the mirror! Honestly, I feel different.  I am happy to try on clothes because my sizes go down instead of up so I don't leave the store feeling like a diet failure. I also noticed that the style of clothes change.  T-shirts are not as long, they are shorter to show more hip and butt.  I now buy colorful belts when I have the courage to tuck my shirts in.  I noticed that shirt designs indent in the sides more.  My only struggle is my arms.  Ohhhh those bat wings!  I am going to look for crop sweaters and work on exercising my arms more.

I have been holding onto my old clothes.  Don't ask why...mental thing I gues.  I have decided to donate them to a women's shelter.  So far I have seven garbage bags full of clothing.  Crazy huh?  Well, I am currently a size 12 and loving it!  My goal is to exercise more.  Wednesday I did 30 minutes on the eliptical machine (without crying )  It felt incredible.  I hope to up my routine to 3-4 times a week.  I am sure my lack of excercise is hindering my weight loss progress.  All in all I feel great.  I don't cringe when I see myself on camera.  I still see the same person in the mirror, but I FEEL different.  I think I will take some current pictures to see the difference.

I feel like a big failure!

I don't know if I have hit a plateau or if I am just "plain and outright" doing all of the wrong things.  I am embarassed to say I have only lost 60lbs.  That's right only 60!  I know it's me.  When I look at my pictures I fail to see success.  I believe my constant mental battle associated with my relationship with food is a factor.   I attribute my lack of loss to drinking, lack of excerise, intake of high calories and who knows what else!  I am disappointed and embarassed with myself.  I have done so many things wrong I just want to start using my tool right.  I won't dewell on all of the things I am doing wrong.  I do know that at this point I should be further along.  I amy going to try and step up my exercise and reevaluate my food intake.  Pray for me and wish me luck.  I have the tool-I want to use it efficiently!

I discovered a cool new resource on one of the message boards.  Check out:

www.thinnerself.com

The website was developed by a weight loss surgery patient and offers good information.

I AM FINALLY THERE!  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!  THIS IS A WONDERFUL MOMENT IN TIME!  I HAVE MADE IT TO ONE-DERLAND!  I WEIGHED MYSELF THIS MORNING AND MY WEIGHT DIDN'T START WITH A "2"!  NOW I KNOW HOW IRENE CARA FELT WHEN SHE SANG "WHAT A FEELING"  I DANCED AROUND MY BATHROOM SCALE LIKE A CRAZY WOMAN!  I HAVE TO ADMIT I PROBABLY COULD HAVE MADE IT HERE A LOT SOONER IF I WASN'T SUFFERING FROM ISSUES SURROUNDING WORK AND MY PERSONAL LIFE WHICH RESULTED IN MY LACK OF CONSISTENT EXCERCISE.  BUT TOMMORROW WILL BRING....AND I AM HERE!  WHAT A FEELING! 

...and as Irene Cara sang....take your passion and make it happen!  I decided to paste the whole song!  What a feeling by Irene Cara
First when there's nothing
But a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide
Deep inside your mind

All alone I have cried
Silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel
Made of stone

Well, I hear the music,
Close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a hold
Of my heart

What a feeling
Bein's believin'
I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life
Take your passion
And make it happen
Pictures come alive,
You can dance right through your life

Now I hear the music
Close my eyes, I am rhythm
In a flash it takes hold
Of my heart

What a feeling
Bein's believin'
I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life
Take your passion
And make it happen
Pictures come alive,
Now I'm dancing through my life

What a feeling
What a feeling (I am music now)
Bein's believin' (I am rhythm now)
Pictures come alive,
You can dance right through your life.

What a feeling (you can really have it al)
What a feeling (pictures come alive when I call)
I can have it all (I can really have it all)
Have it all (pictures come alive when I call)
What a feeling!!!!

So...this is going to sound very "unimportant" but I finally found a juice I can drink  YEAH!  I have been having a hard time finding juice that doesn't make my stomach "clinch".  But finally I lucked upon a juice called "Motts for Tots".  The juice is good, it comes in a small container and is cut with a nice amount of water.  The juice drink comes in a bottle and small box (the only thing about the small box is that it requires a straw).  Actually you can squeeze the juice out of the box into a cup.  I just thought I would mention it because I really have a hard time finding juice, even the 100% fruit juice, that won't make my stomach do flips .

This is going to sound wierd but...I find myself still taking up for the old me.  I still want to protect that fat girl inside.  I have received compliments at work about my face.  Many co-workers and friends shared with me that they can see the weight comming off in my face.  And what do I do?  I immediately get my hackles up and ask "what was wrong with my old face?!"  It's wierd but I feel like I have to take up for the "original" me.  If you get what I mean?  I don't know if it's my barrier to compliments or if I trying to protect that big girl with self-esteem issues.  But I know it's ridiculous.    OF COURSE THERE WAS SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH THE OLD ME!  That's why I had the surgery.  It's obvious I was not happy with myself or I would have continued on that way.  If I'm honest I would say "thank you" because I love the way I can now see the bone structure of my face and I love the ways my body indents before my hips!  So I am working on letting go of that protective barrier and accepting the compliments with a smile.  This tool God gave me is a blessing and I will stop trying to protect that old me and start enjoying the new me. 

O.K.  so first the good news!  I had a visit with my doctor's office yesterday and according to their scale I LOST A TOTAL OF 26.? POUNDS!  I was very excited, but expressed I felt I could have lost more if I excercised consistently.  The nurse practioner(sp?) and nurse were very encouraging and insisted that I did well with my weight loss.

...and more good news!  I am now able to eat regular food (smart food in small portions of course!)  I find that I eat slower now and my stomach definately lets me know when I have had enough!

So, now this next thing.  Maybe I am paranoid but I feel like people (at work) who are aware of my surger watch everything I put in my mouth.  Do you know what I am saying?  It feels like they are watching the amount I eat, what I eat, and how long it takes me to eat.  I have had some poeple who told me they know people who have had the surgery and they gained their weight back.  I persist that I know the weight may come back.  After all the surgery is a tool, the rest is up to me.  I have chosen to share my surgery information with everyone but at what cost? I shared the informaiton because I know several women like myself who could benefit from medical intervention.  So, honestly, despite my paranoia I am going to continue to shared...and if they are watching me...well...I hope they pick up my good habits.