Amy D.

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This whole anniversary thing really snuck up on me. Last month I was kinda thinking of myself as relatively early out and then BAM, it's been an entire year since I went under the knife and completely changed my life. Crazy how time can fly.

So, now that it's been a year, what do I say? I'm 127-ish pounds lighter than my all time high and 90-ish pounds lighter than I was on surgery day. That's pretty decent, I think, given I'm a so-called lightweight. I will be honest and say that I thought I'd have lost more by now but my doctor thinks I'm doing great so I guess I'll have to defer to his judgment on that. Maybe. I'm still stuck in the stall nightmare that I've been living since the end of December and that certainly is affecting my ability to rejoice at my overall weight loss accomplishment. It was nice that this morning the scale showed me back at my low instead of hovering within five pounds like I've been doing.

Anywho, even though I'm frustrated by my current stall and not as excited as I'd like to be on this date, I'm going to outline the things that I'm grateful for that have happened in the past year. Things that I can attribute to my surgery and weight loss. Here goes:

1. I've lost 90-ish lbs. since surgery. Never could have done that on my own. Took me 2 years to lose 100 lbs. through weight watchers back in the day.
2. I found Quest bars and my life would not be complete without them.
3. I gave up Diet Dr Pepper and while I still crave it every day of my life, I know that I'm better off without it.
4. I am going to run (okay lotta walking, too) an 8k on Saturday. Even if I could have participated in such events in the past, my self consciousness would never have allowed it.
5. I can wear size 14 or 12 and even a few size mediums. It's mind blowing!
6. Every movement is easier; standing, sitting, turning over in bed. You name it, it's easier.
7. My husband can put his arms all the way around me when hugging me. 'Nuff said.

And, to keep me (hopefully) on track, a few goals for the next year:

1. Lose 20 more pounds.
2. Incorporate regular strength training into my exercise routine.
3. Run (again, more of a fast walk) a half marathon.
4. Start bike riding.
5. Constant vigilance!! Bad habits can creep back in and fucker up everything I've accomplished thus far. Not gonna let that happen.
6. Get organized. (Okay, that one's not WLS related but it's a good goal, right?)
7. Provide more support for my WLS compatriots and allow them to support me.
8. Break this stupid, neverending stall!!

So, overall I am pleased with the results of my RNY. I do not regret my decision to go the WLS route to better health and a better life. Can't wait to see what the next year brings!

I hope you have enjoyed my surgiversary post.

Peace!

So, I'm stalled. Yep, stuck in a stall since Christmas when I weighed in with a 1.5 lbs. weekly loss at 149.5 lbs. Since then it's been a lovely bouncing sensation around 148 or 149 with a one time trip down to 146.5 which was probably just an anomaly. This is my first really real stall. I've thought before when I didn't lose weight for a week that a stall might be coming but usually it didn't last long enough to qualify so I got to stop worrying pretty quickly. Not this time! This time I'm stuck and it feels like there's no end in sight.

Now, I know that stalls are normal. I understand the reasons for a stall and I even understand the reasons for my stall specifically. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with in my head. I can't help it--I'm scared. I'm scared I'm stuck here. I'm scared I'm stuck here and I'll just throw my hands up and give up and then I'll start gaining. I hate it. I hate that nagging feeling that I think most of us get when we hit a stall that this is the end and our surgery has failed. There's a part of me that just knows I'll be the one to mess it all up. That my stall won't just be a stall, it'll be the end of the losing and the beginning of the creep back up to 272 and misery. That's what's going on in the back of my brain pretty much all day long. It's exhausting. And annoying.

So, what do I do? Well, what I do is try to gain some perspective. I'm technically already a success by my surgeon's standards. I've lost almost all of my excess weight. I could never lose another pound and he'd still put me in the win category. I am only 6, 8, or 9 lbs. (depending on the day or hour I weigh) from my goal weight. And that means that it's going to get harder and slower. I also try to keep in mind that my surgeon does not expect me to get below 140 even though I'm a Shorty McShortypants and "should" weight 125 lbs. I try to keep in mind that I'm old....er and might not be able to weigh 120 something. So feeling like a failure at 149 lbs. is ridiculous and unfair to the effort and hard work I've put forth so far.

That's what I try to think of when I think of this stall being the end.

The other perspective I try to gain is this. Stalls are normal. Stalls are a part of life for anyone who has over 100 lbs. to lose. And there is no reason to think that I will stop losing at 10 months out just because the scale is being uncooperative for a few weeks. I mean really, am I so special that I thought I would escape the stall monster? Really? I knew I thought  a lot of myself, but come on! Stalls are a real part of this whole process and probably necessary no matter how much we hate them. I have lost 123 lbs. (give or take) since starting this whole process, 90 of that since surgery. That's pretty dadgum good. I still have a good portion of the honeymoon period left and there is no reason to think that a temporary blip on the scale is the end of the line. I know that one day 149 will most likely be a distant memory on the scale and I'll wonder how I ever thought I'd be stuck there forever. Four weeks or six weeks or even (please, no) eight weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things, right? Eventually I'll move past this and while my weight loss will likely slow to what feels like a crawl at this point, it is most likely far from over. Most likely.

That's what I try to think of when I want to be positive.

So, I'm going to cross my fingers, keep up with my protein and maybe put some effort into breaking the stall. Cause whining about it doesn't burn as many calories as you would think and I am determined to break through this. Quality calories, quality movement, and a little faith in myself and my surgery and I can break through this and see that scale move again. I can do this.

I can do this.

Wish me luck!

Yeppers, another goal has been reached!! 100 pounds gone forever! (I totally did that just to piss of the "never say forever" people. I just said forever. Suck it!) Let's face it: statistically speaking that 100 lbs. is gone forever. Kinda like statistically speaking of course I don't dump since most people actually don't dump. Sure, stats can be manipulated; I've seen all those political ads. I get how the game can be played. However, what the hell is the point in going through all of this and not assuming that this 100 lbs. is gone forever? This is not my first rodeo; I've lost over 100 lbs. before and yes I did think it was gone forever then, too. I was wrong, obviously, but this time is different. Why, you say? Well, the statistics are in my favor, that's why. Most morbidly obese people who lose weight through diet and exercise alone will gain it back. Most morbidly obese people who lose weight through weight loss surgery will maintain the majority of their weight loss. (Yeah, I've seen the actual numbers, but I'm not going through the trouble of looking them up and posting them. Cause I'm lazy. Sorry.) So because of that I feel pretty good about my chances of keeping this weight off. The numbers are totally in my favor.

Then there's this other thing. Positive thinking. I believe in it. I'm not religious and I don't believe in any kind of higher power or anything like that but I do believe that positive thinking combined with positive actions can truly help you achieve almost any goal. I'm positive that the changes I've made are for life. I'm positive that because of these changes I will maintain my weight loss. I'm positive that when things get difficult I will have the ability to implement changes and seek the necessary help to overcome those hurdles. I have been given the chance to be a healthier, slimmer, active person and I refuse to mess that up. I refuse to be cautiously optimistic about my chances at maintaining. Caution has been unashamedly thrown to the wind. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and I am positive I can maintain it. Might I fail? Sure! But I probably won't so why not just focus on that and assume the best? What's the worst that could happen? If I  fear the worst and the worst happens is that somehow more noble that being positive and having the worst happen? No. If I gain back my weight it's going to suck regardless. Seriously.

Now I do feel the need to make a disclaimer statement. Thinking positive does not mean being complacent. I can think positive while realizing that I must maintain vigilance and follow the plan. Positive thinking does not negate common sense despite what some people may want you to believe. I know that in order for this to work I have to do my part. And you know what, I'm positive I can do that.

So, happy 100 lbs. lost to me! Next stop is the surgeon's goal weight. After that, who knows?!

Okay, to be honest, I hate the term ONEderland. Cheesy plays on words kinda irritate me. Although I do love a good pun, so maybe I'm just trying to be one of the cool kids who's too good to say ONEderland. Who knows. The important thing here is that I now weigh less than 200 lbs. Call it what ever you want, it is fabulous to be on this side of that particular heart breaking number. You could even say it's....ONEderful.

I reached this goal on May 28th, according to my weight loss journal. I'm not sure why I didn't post about it then. I think there is a part of me that has bought into the whole "WLS is cheating" crap. And it's not as if anyone has expressed that sentiment to me or anything, but I sometimes feel as if my weight loss accomplishments don't mean as much since I had the surgery. Like when I report to my weight loss email buddies (neither of whom had surgery) it's like, "well of course you're down again this week....you had surgery and it's EASY for you." But they don't say that. Hell, they are encouraging and excited for me. So all the perceived negativity is squarely in my own messed up head. Also, I've always been the sort to downplay my accomplishments so perhaps that is why I'm not tooting my own horn. I just don't like attention, even when it's positive. I think a lot of people were raised to take humble to unhealthy extremes. I know my husband gets very frustrated with me when he gives me a compliment and I deflect it like it's radioactive waste or something. Like it's bad to graciously accept a genuine compliment or something! This is probably something I should work on, but it's hard.

So, as difficult as it is for me, I'm going to say I am PROUD that I have lost 80 lbs. as of this morning. Going from 272 to 192 is a huge accomplishment for anyone regardless of how their digestive system works. I am PROUD that I know I will continue to lose weight. I am GLAD that I have a tool I can use that will help me achieve the goals I need to achieve. And when my husband tells me that I look great I will say, "Thanks, babe, I do look pretty good, don't I?"

And that will feel ONEderful.

I can't believe that I have already been there and done that! There was a time that it seemed like surgery day would never come and here it is day 5 and I'm back home and everything!

Just for posterity's sake I'm going to talk about my surgery and hospitalization. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves whilst I ramble on.

Tuesday morning we got up early and headed to the hospital. We got there right on time and I was immediately taken back for presurgical prep. I had the usual vitals done and then had to strip and wash my belly with an iodine solution for 15 minutes. (Dip, squeeze, scrub. Dip, squeeze, scrub.)After that I put on the lovely gown, booties, and blue bonnet and awaited the arrival of the nurse. The pre-op nurse came in and started my IV, which was difficult as per my usual, and then she had to take blood out of my other arm because I'm such a pain in the ass. At this point I was only getting saline. I had placed a scopolamine patch behind my ear the night before. She then went and retrieved my husband to wait with me while I waited for surgery. While waiting hubby and I played checkers and chess on the iPad and talked about nothing much. The anesthesiologist came and and talked about his plans and Dr. Fontana (the surgeon) came in and talked about his plans. Both were very reassuring. Shortly before 10 a.m. The OR nurse and anesthesia nurse came to load me up with something fun and fetch me to the OR. I remember going into the OR, the anesthesia nurse telling me she was going to give me something that would make me forget.....and that's what I did!

My first memory after that is waking up with excruciating left shoulder pain and some pretty bad upper abdominal pain as well. It took a while for the Dilaudid to really help but my nurse was awesome. It was the end of her shift but she told her (hovering) supervisor that she was not leaving until my pain was under control. I was surprised by how difficult it was to get my pain to a reasonable level given that I'm usually such a light weight with stuff like that. Anyway, it finally settled down to something less excruciating and I was taken to my room where hubby was waiting. I'll admit, I was pretty miserable! My throat was so dry and sore and I couldn't really talk. I was still in pain but also high from the Dilaudid. They gave me some mouth swabs to use since I was NPO at this point and they were somewhat helpful. A few hours later I was able to get out of bed and do some walking that was wonderful! It was slow going but I was just happy to change positions and to do something. All the tubes trailing out of me were a giant pain in the ass, but not much I could do about that. That night I barely slept at all so I did my incentive spirometer and swabbed my mouth whenever I woke up. Hubby slept in the recliner in the room and didn't really get much sleep either.

Day 2 dawned bright and early with the radiology dude coming to take me for my leak test. Transferring to the gurney sucked ass, to be quite frank, but the dude kept pushing my PCA button for me so it was cool. When I got off the gurney in radiology I realized that I had started my period at some point during the night and didn't even realize it. It was kinda gross, but just one of those things. I had my leak test, which was pretty cool, and even though the stuff tasted nasty it was nice to actually swallow something! The test was good and I was sent upstairs where my catheter was removed (yay!). Hubby cleaned me up from my period mess and I put on a pad and underwear (sorry for the TMI, but this is for posterity, lol). Then I was able to start sipping. I was so happy to have one less tube and to be able to actually sip. Of course, sipping was way more difficult than I anticipated. But I did pretty good and was able to be taken off the PCA later that night, which made my IV lighter (yay again) and I was switched to liquid Lortab which worked way better than the Dilaudid had. At this point I also started needing Zofran IV because I was having some nausea, but nothing unbearable. Through all of this hubby and I were walking the halls and making our laps. And that night the nurse was able to find a cot for hubby to sleep on, for which he was eternally grateful! My shoulder pain peaked this night and I thought I was going to die, although I admit I didn't call for the nurse or anything. I did some shoulder exercises and deep breathing and that seemed to help.

Day 3 was discharge day and things went pretty quickly. In the morning the NP from the doc's office, wonderful, fantastic Valerie, came and pulled out my drain which was weird but not painful. She patched me up and gave me some instructions. After she left I even washed my hair in the sink because I felt so disgusting that I needed to do something! At 9:30 a.m. we had a mini-meeting in one of the patient rooms with all the discharge patients and the bariatric nurse coordinator, the equally fabulous Jeanne. She went over the rules and expectations and took questions. Then it was back to my room for IV removal and finally I was untethered for good! It was so nice to have no tubes coming out of me!! I got dressed and got my discharge instructions and was wheeled down to the entrance where my husband swept me away in my silver chariot. I mean Durango. It was awesome. Except for the bumpy roads, of course!

Now I've been home for a few days and it's been mostly okay. I'm having a hard time meeting my protein goals but the doc said to focus on liquids this first week and worry about protein more later. I've been faithfully walking and doing my spirometer. I stopped taking Lortab yesterday as well as the phenergan. Actually, the phenergan got stuck last night and I will never take that again even if I'm dying. Shudder.

So this is my story so far. Overall my experience was good and I think I'm happy to be where I am. I am very tired all the time and somewhat emotionally drained. I think that 3 days without my Zoloft had more of an effect on me than anticipated, but hopefully that'll be corrected soon. I know that my hormones are out of wack too and that I just went through major surgery so my emotionality is expected, but a little exhausting. I feel like it'll be better when I move onto purees. And, of course, get further out from surgery.

Well, time to put this novel to bed. Nothing but good times head!

Wow, the day I thought would never get here is practically here!! I cannot believe that this time tomorrow I will be getting prepped for surgery. It's crazy. I'm excited and scared but mostly just excited. I keep worrying that I'm forgetting something important that I'm supposed to have done or do tomorrow but I know that I haven't, I'm just paranoid!

The liquid diet has been easier than I expected. The only hard day was when my husband and I went to Costco and that's because all the yummy samples smelled so good! But I made it through and in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal. I'll be able to eat some of those things again one day.

I have tons of things to get done today to prepare for my parents' arrival and my hospital stay. My little one threw a wrench in the works by being up sick all night. Probably ear infection so he'll need to go to the doctor today. It's always something!

Tomorrow is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. Just like today is, right? But tomorrow is my 2nd chance at doing things right. I know I can do this thing! You know, provided I survive the surgery! (Just kidding!)

Today I had to go to a pre-op education class at the hospital where the surgery will be done. We had a round table type discussion with the bariatric nurse coordinator and the dietitian. It was okay. A lot of the information given has been presented before, but I can see where repetition can be helpful. There was some good discussion about what to expect the day of surgery and during the hospital stay. Otherwise it was just another hurdle to jump through to get to surgery (required by the surgeon not insurance, of course). I'm glad that I got to put another check in the box. Next is my pre-op H&P with the nurse practitioner and then on to surgery! In fact, I can't believe that one week from today I will be post-op!!

The liquid diet is going fine so far today. I figured today wouldn't be too bad since it's the first day and all. I have a bit of a headache and I am hungry, but it's not too bad. I figure tomorrow will be worse. But, it's just one more thing to get through. Soon this will be over and eventually I'll be eating real food again---just not like I used to, that's all.

Now, time for some jello!

Okay, it's all starting to get real, folks! Got my surgery date, woohoo! March 13th will be the first day of the rest of my life! (Is that too much cheese? Eh, who cares.) I'm so excited because when I talked to the scheduler last week she thought it would be the middle of April. I'm so excited that it's only a few weeks away instead! Holy Cow. I just can't believe that after years of never considering surgery, after one "hmmm" moment after a radio ad in August, here I am with a surgery date. I was afraid everything would take forever but instead I feel like time is flying by.

Now, on to worrying about my pre-op labs!

(Just kidding!)

Yay for having a date, woohoo!

Yeppers, buddy, I am on my way! The last time I called the insurance company they said that my case was scheduled for review for today so I waited until about 2:30 today and gave them a call. I was authorized for surgery as of February 9! Woohoo! I called the insurance person at the doc's office to see what the next step was and she seemed put out that I had called the insurance company. She claims to have left me a message on Feb 9th telling me that I was approved, but I didn't get a message and I find it difficult to believe that I somehow missed it. But, whatever, it wasn't like I was mad or anything. So she directed me to the scheduler who is back logged but hopes to call me with a surgery date later this week. She thinks it'll be mid-April. I feel all kinds of excited and scared and even a little let down! I've been so anxious about it and waiting for it for so long, I feel like it was all a little anti-climatic! Which is ridiculous, but hey, can't help how we feel, right? Mostly, I'm excited and can't wait to have the surgery date! Middle of April would be around my birthday, which would be cool with me, especially since the kids don't have school that week. Eh, we'll see what happens. The important thing is that I'm APPROVED!!

I see the psychologist again tomorrow so I figure I'll have a lot of stuff to discuss with her. Even though neither insurance nor my doctor require it, I think that continuing to followup with the psychologist has been one of the more beneficial things I've done. It helps that she's the kind of person that I could be friends with.

Well, I'm off to celebrate Valentine's Day and Approval Day! Trying to convince the husband that a new Coach bag is the way to go. We'll see how that goes!!

So, the nurse just called me and told me that she did receive everything she needed and gave my chart to the insurance person and I'm being submitted for insurance approval as we speak!

I'm freakin' out, man! (You are freaking out. Man.)

I know, I know, I know that I've met all the criteria. I know this. And yet.....I'm still so worried that I won't be approved. I've had to fight insurance companies so many times on the doctor side of things that should have been easy that I guess I'm jaded where they are concerned. I believe, though, that since my husband's plan is self-funded that that will give me an edge. You know, if it comes to appeal. Which it won't. Because I've got this in the bag. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't borrow trouble. It's my thing.

I had to check myself after getting that call. I had the immediate "I just got exciting news and I'm nervous so I should go eat something" feeling. I was in the kitchen before I realized that I had just eaten lunch. I am not hungry. I'm glad I stopped before I grabbed something to eat. Even if I grabbed something healthy, which is likely with the current selection in my pantry, I do not want to continue viewing food as a reward or punishment. That's part of the reason I'm here, folks. So, I'm definitely going to have to work on the "head hunger". And it's a good thing that I'm still seeing the psychologist. She has been very helpful with this.

Well, I guess that's all I've got for right now. I'll be on edge until I get the call saying yay or nay. Wish me luck!!!