jan 23rd

Jan 23, 2010

things have been going ok..no great but ok...im really sitting around waiting to feel ecstatic that i did this. however much to my disappointment that feeling is non existent as of yet for me but im plugging along well because i really have no other choice.
im taking little walks with zozo. he is my little boy yorki. he does a good job keeping up with me for such a little guy ...i have tried to take my little girl yorki but she quits after one block and well its just double the work for me to carry her.
today Daniel and I went up north to hang with my family. It my Jason's 14th birthday (nephew). The whole family gathered around for dinner and ice cream cake. i had a few spoon fulls of soup and i bite of roasted chicken. chewed the hell out of it swallowed. a little discomfort followed that but it went away fairly quickly...ahhh the good old days when i could just eat a chicken leg without any problems!!! a little later i had a spoon full of ice cream cake and was fine. i dont think i dump...but im wasnt going to push the issue with anymore that a spoonful to find out either.
most of the time while everyone was eating i was in the living room watching tv. it sucked. im not gonna lie..i was very upset for a few minutes and forced myself to hold back tears. i wanted to be at that table too but tried to keep reminding myself that it wouldnt be like this forever...yeah ok that didnt help much but i tried to convince myself as best as i could and soon enough everyone was done and joined me in the living room.
i did not get a decent amount of liquid protein in today because i forgot to bring the powder with me and quite honestly im glad i didnt bring it with me cause im sick to death of drinking this fucken crap. and im sick to death of not being able to eat like a normal human being and i cant for the love of god and all that is holy know why i did this to myself and i cant wait for my body to adapt to this change because im hating life so bad right now its sickening!!!!!! andddd im feeling extremely exhausted but tomorrow is going to be a better day cause im going to drink my protein and take my walk because that makes me feel better about this whole thing.
i didnt expect for this to be so hard. i didnt expect this to be sooo emotionally taxing. i have to find a way to make peace with myself and find a way to accept this is the way its going to be because of the decision i made. i must find a way to embrace this.


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brielle , NJ
Nov 14, 2009
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