6 Years Later..you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll live healthy.

Jun 20, 2009

Yep, it's been 6 years. I ask myself "has it really been that long". And then I answer myself out loud which is kinda weird, lol, that "yes", it has been 6 years. It's been a long winding road, but it has gotten a lot less bumpy along the way. I've lost weight, I've gained weight, I've lost the same weight again, and lost new weight. I have learned so much about my body and my spirit. I went to my doctor about a month ago for blood work. It's been a couple years (I know, my bad) since I'd been there because the last time I was there I was already putting weight back on and I was so embarrassed about going back for everyone to see how I'd failed. Well, the doctor and nurses, and my nutritionist, everyone, was so excited that I had actually lost weight since I had been there last. My doctor said it was SO uncommon for someone to lose weight after surgery, gain some back, fall off the wagon and then get back on and not only lose the weight I had regained but to keep losing to get to my goal. He said it just doesn't happen that way. That it was a testament to how hard I am working at it and how badly I want it. I'll try to post again in a few months to keep my progress up to date. Toodles!!
1 comment

Who Put That Bump in the Road

Apr 17, 2008

April 14th, 2008

Update! Update! Update! J



Here I am again playing catch up. I am still losing weight, but it is coming off slowly. I actually got under 200 for a couple days but then I let a few pounds creep back on and put me over again.  I have this thing about being under 200, this invisible barrier that I just have in my mind that is associated with that number. I suppose it’s because for all intents and purpose that number has been my holy grail for all of my adult life. The fact that I made it is surreal and probably why a few pounds have pushed me above it yet again.  I really have to stay on my game or it could very well get out of control like in the past.

I realize more and more that this is a journey that has no end. I will always struggle with my food issues. I have done much better this time around and I do owe so much of my success to my WLS but I have had to forge a few detours on this journey that is food addiction.  I am doing better at not eating to my emotions and even recognizing what my triggers are.  I’ve had to make some very painful realizations about myself, my life, my marriage, and my past.  It isn’t much fun facing emotions instead of feeding them.

I am in the process of ending my almost 20 year marriage. It hasn’t been good for a long time, but I realized one day that one of the reasons I was staying fat was because I was so unhappy. I felt that if I stayed in that toxic relationship I was never going to have a genuine shot at living a healthier life. The cycle that got me to over 400 pounds and kept me there for many years was just going to continue. My failed marriage wasn’t and isn’t the only reason I am a food addict. I have many issues dating back to early childhood that have attributed to it as well.  I can’t say that I would ever get back to 400 pounds again but who can say? I got down to around 210 a couple years after my surgery and regained enough weight to tip 275 again in 2006.

A couple years back I was reading a Dr. Phil book and I read something that I thought at the time was a little extreme. He said that no matter what you have to do to take yourself out of harms way that is what you need to do. He said if you drove by a fast food restaurant every morning on the way to work and you couldn’t help but stop there every day then you should change jobs. If you had a friend that was always bringing you down, enabling your addition then you needed to distance yourself from them. Not unlike an alcoholic that has to quit hanging around their drinking buddies. If you are in an unhealthy relationship then you need to get out. So, I did.

It hasn’t been easy but I have to say it feels like an anvil has been lifted off of me since I asked my husband to leave. I have had to deal with issues relating to my kids and there is some guilt in relation to them. But I had to put myself first for the first time in my life if my kids were going to have a chance to grow up in a flourishing environment.

 I’ve met a wonderful man who has helped me to see things in a different way in relation to how I interact with not only my estranged husband but with myself and others.  He is a recovering alcoholic of 25 years so he knows a thing or two about addition. He is very supportive of me and knows how important losing weight is to me. He is very driven and it motivates me to do better. I felt extremely lucky after my WLS to have a second chance at life, now I have a second chance at a much happier life.  

Taking Responsibility ---- 12/04/2007

Dec 04, 2007

      I can't believe it's been 6 months since I've updated here. How time flies by. Life just seems to get busier and busier. Anyway life is going okay right now. I still have ups and downs just like I did when I was 400 pounds but now I can't eat them away. I can't stuff them anymore. 

     This is part of the reason I'm talking about responsiblity. I was watching a commercial the other day for some miracle drug for weight loss. The claim was that you just take the pill and it does all the work for you. You don't have to change your lifestyle at all to lose weight. The moderator was making all sorts of excuses why we gain weight as we age. None of them began with not exercising and eating all the wrong things. It just made me step back and I felt this feeling of disgust run through me. How can anyone hang on to such false hope that they would actually think that without a lifestyle change and just by taking a pill they are going to lose the excess weight? I'm not panning other people really I know there are a lot of people out there that think I took the easy way out with the surgery. Well I won't even go into defending that, I don't have to anymore. What I am getting at is that we all need to take responsiblity for our failures. If we lay the blame elsewhere then we can't get better. The day I sat down and told myself that I was blowing up like a balloon because I couldn't stop putting food in my face, not because of some biological error is the day I started on the road to recovery. It's been a tough road. I've had to work just as hard to lose the weight  now as before I had surgery. I will give the surgery it's due, it gave me a tool to use in the process of getting better. But ultimitely it was me and me alone that could make the decisions to eat right and exercise. It's not easy now and it will never be easy. The day I reach my goal will just be another day that I need to watch what I put in my mouth and do my work out. Even then I know I can't let my guard down. There will never be a day that I won't struggle with my addiction. 
     Okay, done with that. I'll update you on where I am now  weight wise. I have lost 70 pounds so far this year. At times it was slow but I didn't give up or give in. I still have a long way to go. I would like to lose about another 90 pounds and then look into plastics. I really don't want to wait another year to have plastics but it may have to wait that long if I can't lose those next 90 pounds fairly quickly. It is what it is, I'll be okay no matter what. That comes out very easy right now but I know that always just under the surface is the urge to overeat and fall back into old habits. I'll just have to continue to take it one day at a time. 

Be kind to one another

May 28th, 2007 4 Year Re-Birthday!

May 28, 2007

Well, today is my rebirthday. 4 years ago today I was lying in a hospital bed worrying about waking up from surgery, worrying about whether I was going to leave my children without a mother, worrying that I wasn't making the right decision...then I was waking up from surgery feeling like I had been hit by a truck. I still remember that feeling, that heaviness that I felt when I woke up in recovery. I remember thinking that I couldn't wait to get on with my new life, that I couldn't wait to get back to "normal", but not back to "normal".  

Back then if you'd have told me that 4 years out of surgery I would still be in the mid 200's I probably would have thought I turned out to be a failure. Now I don't see myself as a failure; and as a good friend tells me all the time as long as we keep fighting then we haven't failed.  We just have set backs along the way.    

I'm here still plugging away and I'm so stubborn I am not going to quit ever! I may have small set backs but I won't give up nor is failure an option!  I am evolving to be a different person then I was 4 short years ago.  My thought processes have changed and I'm learning how to deal with my addiction. 

For instance this past weekend I went on a mini vacation with my kids.  We went out of town and stayed at a motel for the holiday weekend, just to relax and have some fun. Just some down time. Well you know how it goes, you're away from home, you're in a motel where all your meals are eaten out. Easy time to just eat and relax. Those two are synonomous.  Well, yes we ate out every meal and I ate more then I would on a normal day at home BUT I didn't use that as an excuse to eat the wrong things. I made healthy choices at each meal AND even though I knew the scale was going to see an increase I did NOT use that as an excuse to grab M&M's or fall back into bad habits. The motel had this awesome fitness center and I worked out like mad. In the past had I felt my eating was not in line I wouldn't even have bothered with the exercise; I would have given in to it.  But not this time!  I didn't get down on myself and I didn't see things as black & white which I always had a huge problem with before. 

I had to work today and it was right back on track for me. That rarely happened to me in the past. I realize that I am only human and  I will just be living life, that's how life works. There aren't always numbers to count and there shouldn't be numbers to count all the time. 

I want to get close to my goal so I can FINALLY have plastics. I want to get rid of my panni so bad.  The more weight I lose the worse it gets. I'm ready to say good bye to it and my shar pei thighs. Another story, another day. 

I am 4 years out and I am better, stronger and wiser now then I've ever been in my life. 

Life is good! 

Carmen 05/28/03

Still Plugging Along ~ May 20, 2007

May 20, 2007

Hello everyone, I hope this finds you well. I haven't updated as of late.  Looks like I skipped April entirely.  I'll make an attempt to do better.   Okay so here's the scoop. Since the first of the year I'm down about 35 pounds. I've also lost inches. The next time I post I'll put some measurements out here. Warning: These will not be for the faint of heart. :)

I have a good friend that has been helping tremendously with support, and guidance. I am starting to see things that never occurred to me before. I will not let this addiction beat me. I must have food to live but I don't need to live for food. I've begun to see chocolate in a different light. Now let it be known throughout the land I am a chocoholic! M&M's used to be my best friend. So, I crave chocolate. For those of you that dump on very little sugar, well you are the lucky ones. I can polish off a pound bag of M&M's in a day. Give or take 8 hours or so....lol. I dump in my own way usually I just get very tired. Nothing that physically makes me want to stay away from them or chocolate in general.  I'm now coming to realize that I shouldn't be showing the little M&M guys and gals any kind of love. They'll only give it back by sitting on my ass and thighs. Chocolate doesn't deserve my love because it doesn't love me back. It is indiscriminate on who eats it and where it will land. 

I am also trying to break my addiction to the scale. I'm trying to realize that no matter what the scale reads for me daily that I know I'm doing the right things. I've let the scale rule my day by setting the negative mood many times in the past. I still struggle with it.  As much as I like to see that number go down and it frustrates me when it doesn't. I realize that getting frustrated and turning to my old friend food will only feed (pardon the pun) the bad feelings and the cycle will return.  I am bound and determined that almost 4 years out of surgery (hey I just remembered my rebirthday is in 8 days!!!) I am not going to let this thing beat me.  Yes it will always be my nemisis, yes I will always be conscious of how powerful this addiction can be, but I will not lay down and let it consume (once again pardon the pun) me. 

So, I'm trying to change my ways of thinking in order to change my size. We all know this addiction starts in the brain and we weren't promised brain surgery. I continue to learn daily and I will probably always learn something new or pertinent to my weight loss journey and to my self image issues.  I am a sponge for knowledge. I think knowledge is our best weapon. 

If you're interested I'll tell you what I've been doing to take off the weight. I try to consume no less and no more then 1200 calories a day. Unfortunately this is a number my body is very accustomed to. If I go above 1200 calories I usually can count on the number going up on the scale.  You can track your calories, protein, carbs, fiber, etc. on fitday.com.  I also try to get above 60 grams of protein and 20-30 grams of fiber a day. I keep my fat intake under 30% and I take in at least 100 fluid ounces per day most days. I don't pay much attention to carbs anymore as I just don't think all carbs are bad. I try to eat a balanced diet which falls into all the numbers I've set forth.  Sometimes I have to shuffle foods around and see what I need to consume to get where I want to be for the day, but that keeps thing interesting. It is very, very, important to stay responsible for YOUR health. Keeping a daily journal of my food intake keeps me conscious of what I'm doing,  and whether or not I need to change anything. 

Excercise is also very key for me. I know I've said this before, but if I'm not moving I'm not losing. I have to work out everyday if I want to see results. Cutting back on calories alone is never going to work for me.  Like I've said I can eat less then an Ethopian child (for you PB)  and still not lose weight unless I get an aroebic work out in that day.  I usually do my 3 mile walking tape, sometimes I do my 5 mile walking tape depending on time constraints. But  free time is NEVER going to dictate to me whether or not I exercise. It only takes around 15 minutes to do 1 mile and 45 to do 3. I can take that much time out of every day to do something for my health. I also got this rocking bike!! I've been riding a lot after my work outs for extra cardio.  I bought an odometer for the bike I can't wait to get that installed on the bike so I can see how fast I'm going and how many miles. 

I walked a lot this weekend at a festival I went to. It felt SO good. I can't tell you. I walked 5 miles one day and around 6 1/2 the next day. I could have walked endlessly. I love walking. There was a time as I've said before that I couldn't have done a fourth of that or less. My friend that I was with even mentioned that to me. He said he remembered when I couldn't go shopping without sitting down every little bit. I used to get excrutiating pain in my lower back that would bring me to tears. I am blessed to be free of that afflicition. I am blessed to have had the oppurtunity to start over again, and I am blessed for the support and love of the people around me. God Bless everyone. I'll catch ya again soon. *hugs*



It's been awhile!

Mar 13, 2007

Hey kids! I haven't updated in some time..but I'm still doing pretty good! I lost 15 pounds in January and 10 pounds in February. I haven't really lost anything this far in March but I see a turning point on the horizon. LOL

I've been on a plateau but I'm trying not to get downtrodden about it. I know that I'm doing all the right things. I'm eating better and I'm exercising. I know that if I cave and eat out of control that it will only be a temporary high and I will feel worse afterwards AND still not lose weight but vice verse. 

I've been walking a lot outside now that the weather is nicer. That really helps my mood. It's so freeing to just get out and walk. I am still amazed at being able to walk at all, and walk long distances no less.  I still remember vividly a time just a few years ago when I wasn't able to walk at all without taking multiple breaks and being terribly out of breath. I remember the undescribable, crippling pain in my back that would bring me to tears. It seems like a life time ago, but I still remember. It's probably good I don't forget, it helps to keep me on track. 

Well gotta go! Take care and keep moving peeps! *hugs* 

A Good Day~

Jan 09, 2007

Hello everyone! I hope that you are all well. I started out having a good day. I'm down another 3 lbs. Better then the number on the scale is the difference I'm already feeling in my clothes. It really is amazing how useful our tool can be to us if we just use it correctly. 

Work was a bit stressful, but this is the norm actually. I finally got back the results of my colonoscopy. The polyp they removed was benign.  After a bit of fretting and bending the ear of a special friend that always supports and encourages me I got the good word. 

I've upped my water trying to at least get my 64oz in plus. I used to do this without any problems. Now I need to get back on track with it. I'm working on it. I need to hop on the treadmill and get my work out in for the day. Anyone that says they don't need to exercise after this surgery is fooling themselves. Dieting is wrong, learning to eat right, and feeding your pouch instead of your feelings is right, and exercising is a must. 


Two for One

Jan 07, 2007

I was looking for pics to upload to my photo gallery and I came across a photo that made me go "wow". It's a photo of me before surgery. Now I know I have a lot of these (though I was never big on pictures pun intended I took quite a few towards surgery date to have before pics). But this one just took me back. Sometimes it's a hard thing looking back at these photos. I'm not sure why this one took me for a whirl. I remember the day it was taken. I was hot and miserable. Trying to smile through the pain, trying to look pretty. Thinking how beautiful I wanted to be someday. I felt ugly and distorted. It's a double edged sword looking back. It helps me to remember where I came from. I feel sorry for the girl in that picture. On the other hand it's painful to look back, it hurts to know that maybe I let that girl down. I know that girl is me, we are still linked. Some of the excess weight may be gone but I still feel her pain in her search for self acceptance. 

Just my thoughts this evening.

**P.S. I thought it would allow me to paste it here in my blog but apparently not. In my album it is the glamour shot of me in blue.**  



Jan 07, 2007

Hey my pretties I've been tweaking my profile. Lemme know what you think. I vaccilate so much on what I want it to look like. Thanks to those of you that joined my friends. To anyone that's looking for a friend I am always accepting. 

I also moved my surgery comments over from my old profle. I'm thinking I should have done them one at a time because they're jumbled together. I am just a perfectionist. I don't think I can change them now. 

Anywhos I'm doing good this weekend. Just got done taking all my meds and getting ready to go shopping. Have a great day ya'll. 

Much success and love!!    

Coming Home-January 6th, 2007

Jan 06, 2007

It's been a long time since I've been here. A long time since I've updated my profile. I've dusted things off and moved both of my older profiles to the new profile format. Things look a little different now, but I still see a group of caring individuals that carry the same cross I bear. 

I've had a couple of years where I haven't always followed the pouch rules. That's life, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I did my best most of the time. I lost my mother this past March and that swung me into a depression that brought back some of my weight. 

I'm back to reminisce with old friends, meet new friends, give support, and garner support. 

I will upload more photos soon. I've had my work cut out for me getting my old info here. I hope that it's of some use to someone. I know it helps me to remember where I came from. 

Good Luck to all of you wherever you are in your journey.  *Hugs* 

About Me
Salina, KS
Surgery Date
Apr 27, 2003
Member Since

Friends 23

Latest Blog 46
Who Put That Bump in the Road
Taking Responsibility ---- 12/04/2007
May 28th, 2007 4 Year Re-Birthday!
Still Plugging Along ~ May 20, 2007
It's been awhile!
A Good Day~
Two for One
Coming Home-January 6th, 2007