anastacha63
Message Board Posting-Februay 2005
Jan 31, 2005
Message Board Posting 2/2005
Hi ya'll,
I haven't been around in awhile. Just been busy, crazy, stressed..all sorts of adjectives. Anywho my question is this. I've been stuck vacilating between 220 and 225 for almost 4 months now. It is driving me crazy. I know you're thinking 'hey just get back to the basics". Well I've been eating no more then 1300 calories a day, most days more like 1100. My carbs are down under 30 and my protein up around 80. I've been drinking all my water (not with my meals) and I've been exercising. IS THIS IT FOR ME??? I am not ready to stop losing weight. How can I not be losing weight with those numbers? I know in the beginning we malabsorb fat so I haven't been too worried about my fat intake. But when I figure my fat percentage each day it's been above 50%. This is the only thing I can think of that is ceasing my weight loss. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Today I've set a new goal 1200 calories a day, 40 g fat, (30%), less then 50 carbs (not as stringent as I've been) and my usual 80 protein. I hope this helps. Anyone else experience this? It really is driving me crazy. I have at least another 80 lbs to lose before I can even think about plastics. GRRRR!!
Love to you all,
Hi ya'll,
I haven't been around in awhile. Just been busy, crazy, stressed..all sorts of adjectives. Anywho my question is this. I've been stuck vacilating between 220 and 225 for almost 4 months now. It is driving me crazy. I know you're thinking 'hey just get back to the basics". Well I've been eating no more then 1300 calories a day, most days more like 1100. My carbs are down under 30 and my protein up around 80. I've been drinking all my water (not with my meals) and I've been exercising. IS THIS IT FOR ME??? I am not ready to stop losing weight. How can I not be losing weight with those numbers? I know in the beginning we malabsorb fat so I haven't been too worried about my fat intake. But when I figure my fat percentage each day it's been above 50%. This is the only thing I can think of that is ceasing my weight loss. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Today I've set a new goal 1200 calories a day, 40 g fat, (30%), less then 50 carbs (not as stringent as I've been) and my usual 80 protein. I hope this helps. Anyone else experience this? It really is driving me crazy. I have at least another 80 lbs to lose before I can even think about plastics. GRRRR!!
Love to you all,
Scale Starting To Move Again-October 24th, 2004
Oct 23, 2004
October 24th, 2004 Weight 221
Hi guys! Wow, the scale has started to move again. It kinda goes like that now. My weight will vasilate a few pounds up and down for a month or so and then I'll start dropping again. I was just starting to see the pounds coming off again and stupid Aunt Flo showed up! ARGGHHH! Anyway, I'll just wait for a few days before I'll weigh again and see how things go. My clothes are fitting looser and I'm feeling good so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. I just know that there is a window of time where "we" get the most use of our pouch and then it's over for the most part. At least that's what I've read. My surgeon told me that he fully expects me to continue to lose past 2 years. He said some people will lose all they have to lose in the first year to 18 months, some people stop losing after 18 months or 2 years, and some continue to lose at or after 2 years. He thinks this is the category I'm in. He has faith that I'll continue to lose further out. Like I said I see him November 9th. So, I'll see how he's feeling then. I got some new pics here on my profile. Wow, I'm speechless when I look at my before pics compared to now. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It is just so surreal. I want all of you that are thinking about surgery or have your surgery date and you've stumbled here to know that I'm no one special. You too can and will be where I am or beyond. I used to look at post ops profiles like the successful ones were goddesses (and of course they all are :-) ) but, I'm just saying that anyone can make this surgery work. Everyone loses at their own rate and everyone fights their own battles. No one is a failure for making the decision to have this surgery, nor are you a failure if you've had the surgery and you've gained a little back or you've stopped losing due to poor choices. Life happens! We are only human and we didn't have brain surgery. Today, I'm doing well. Tomorrow I won't think about until it comes. But, for today I'm good and so are YOU! Hugs!
Hi guys! Wow, the scale has started to move again. It kinda goes like that now. My weight will vasilate a few pounds up and down for a month or so and then I'll start dropping again. I was just starting to see the pounds coming off again and stupid Aunt Flo showed up! ARGGHHH! Anyway, I'll just wait for a few days before I'll weigh again and see how things go. My clothes are fitting looser and I'm feeling good so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. I just know that there is a window of time where "we" get the most use of our pouch and then it's over for the most part. At least that's what I've read. My surgeon told me that he fully expects me to continue to lose past 2 years. He said some people will lose all they have to lose in the first year to 18 months, some people stop losing after 18 months or 2 years, and some continue to lose at or after 2 years. He thinks this is the category I'm in. He has faith that I'll continue to lose further out. Like I said I see him November 9th. So, I'll see how he's feeling then. I got some new pics here on my profile. Wow, I'm speechless when I look at my before pics compared to now. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It is just so surreal. I want all of you that are thinking about surgery or have your surgery date and you've stumbled here to know that I'm no one special. You too can and will be where I am or beyond. I used to look at post ops profiles like the successful ones were goddesses (and of course they all are :-) ) but, I'm just saying that anyone can make this surgery work. Everyone loses at their own rate and everyone fights their own battles. No one is a failure for making the decision to have this surgery, nor are you a failure if you've had the surgery and you've gained a little back or you've stopped losing due to poor choices. Life happens! We are only human and we didn't have brain surgery. Today, I'm doing well. Tomorrow I won't think about until it comes. But, for today I'm good and so are YOU! Hugs!
Haven't Updated In a While-October 17th, 2004
Oct 16, 2004
October 17th, Weight 224 Jeans size 24, tops 18/20
Hi all you beautiful people!
As usual I'm sorry that I haven't updated in awhile. It's been crazy busy around here. I'm sure ya'll know how that can be. Wow, my weight loss has like stopped! This has become a trend. I'm trying to be patient but sometimes it is so frustrating! When I think that I'm still at some peoples PRE OP weight. Really I'm not griping, I mean I realize I'm only 5' tall, so I'm going to be wearing a size 24 at 224 when someone 5'7 will be in a 14/16 jeans at that weight. I want to be below 200 so bad, I can't stand it. I remember wanting to be under 400, then 300, then 250, now 200. Man, it's so surreal. I see the surgeon next month for my 18 month check up. I know he'll say I have been succesfull and I know I have, but I've got such lofty goals. I don't want to be 95 pounds, but I do want to be out of the super morbid category. My joints hurt a lot. My knees, my lower back, my upper back. I'm hoping that when I am down to around 150 or lower I can be considered for a tummy tuck and a boob lift. I'm so tired of hurting all the time. Of course I'm much better then I was at 400 pounds, but now that I'm active it is frustrating when my body still won't comply. I'm hoping to get some new pics on my profile. I sent them in. I've had emails from people reading my profile that would like to see updated pics. So, just so you know I'm working on it. By the way, I appreciate all that have emailed me with words of support and kind words. I am ashamed that I don't update more as I know that pre ops really "feed" (pardon any pun, unintended) :-) off post op profiles to gather information and encourging words. I wish everyone would update their profiles at least once a month. I love reading profiles. I still read profiles and still gain information from some. I wish I could remember all the profile pages that have been so helpful to me. A few are Sharon Neva, Tooter, Caroline Martin, and many more. Okay, I never found anything out on the cat scan thing. It came out clear. I swear I must have just had a UTI. I don't know. But, I haven't had any problems since then. Right now I'm having a problem with my belly button. It is red and sore. Also very painful. It's like my scar is raised there too, and it usually isn't. It's weird. I did take pics for plastics if I need them. *WARNING GRAPHIC* Along with the pain and soreness I'm also having a disgustingly gross smelling discharge. I posted about it on the message board and a few people said that I should put an anti fungal cream in it. I've been using peroxide on it and a few said to stop that. Anyway, I'll call my PCP tomorrow and see if I can get in to see him. If for no other reason, I can get it documented for future reference. I hope I don't have a hernia. I don't know what a hernia looks or feels like. I had a small hernia before WLS that I didn't even know about. My surgeon said that he repaired an incisional hernia from my previous c-sections when he had me open for my RNY. Anyway, like I said. When I lay down flat it just looks and feels odd. Like my belly button is going to "pop up". Go figure! I'll keep ya'll up to date on this also. It may be another month, lol. But, I'll keep you posted. I'm sorry I keep jumping back and forth from one thought to another, but that's what I get for not updating more often. I'm excited about Halloween coming up. I remember last Halloween I had already lost quite a bit of weight and the boys and I walked a hundred miles trick or treating and we did so much together. This year is going to be even better. It feels awesome to feel human, and to have people look at you like you are human and not some freak. It's amazing how people look at me now, and treat me too. I don't think it's all in my mind. It could be my attitude has changed also. And, I'm sure that the change in my perception is probably part of things, but it's just weird. I can't imagine what it'll be like when and if I get down to a "normal" weight. I mean right now I'm still fat. I'm going to go for now. I have a millon things to do today. As usual I'll close by saying I'll try not to wait so long to update next time. But, we'll see. LOL. Good Luck my lovelies!
Hi all you beautiful people!
As usual I'm sorry that I haven't updated in awhile. It's been crazy busy around here. I'm sure ya'll know how that can be. Wow, my weight loss has like stopped! This has become a trend. I'm trying to be patient but sometimes it is so frustrating! When I think that I'm still at some peoples PRE OP weight. Really I'm not griping, I mean I realize I'm only 5' tall, so I'm going to be wearing a size 24 at 224 when someone 5'7 will be in a 14/16 jeans at that weight. I want to be below 200 so bad, I can't stand it. I remember wanting to be under 400, then 300, then 250, now 200. Man, it's so surreal. I see the surgeon next month for my 18 month check up. I know he'll say I have been succesfull and I know I have, but I've got such lofty goals. I don't want to be 95 pounds, but I do want to be out of the super morbid category. My joints hurt a lot. My knees, my lower back, my upper back. I'm hoping that when I am down to around 150 or lower I can be considered for a tummy tuck and a boob lift. I'm so tired of hurting all the time. Of course I'm much better then I was at 400 pounds, but now that I'm active it is frustrating when my body still won't comply. I'm hoping to get some new pics on my profile. I sent them in. I've had emails from people reading my profile that would like to see updated pics. So, just so you know I'm working on it. By the way, I appreciate all that have emailed me with words of support and kind words. I am ashamed that I don't update more as I know that pre ops really "feed" (pardon any pun, unintended) :-) off post op profiles to gather information and encourging words. I wish everyone would update their profiles at least once a month. I love reading profiles. I still read profiles and still gain information from some. I wish I could remember all the profile pages that have been so helpful to me. A few are Sharon Neva, Tooter, Caroline Martin, and many more. Okay, I never found anything out on the cat scan thing. It came out clear. I swear I must have just had a UTI. I don't know. But, I haven't had any problems since then. Right now I'm having a problem with my belly button. It is red and sore. Also very painful. It's like my scar is raised there too, and it usually isn't. It's weird. I did take pics for plastics if I need them. *WARNING GRAPHIC* Along with the pain and soreness I'm also having a disgustingly gross smelling discharge. I posted about it on the message board and a few people said that I should put an anti fungal cream in it. I've been using peroxide on it and a few said to stop that. Anyway, I'll call my PCP tomorrow and see if I can get in to see him. If for no other reason, I can get it documented for future reference. I hope I don't have a hernia. I don't know what a hernia looks or feels like. I had a small hernia before WLS that I didn't even know about. My surgeon said that he repaired an incisional hernia from my previous c-sections when he had me open for my RNY. Anyway, like I said. When I lay down flat it just looks and feels odd. Like my belly button is going to "pop up". Go figure! I'll keep ya'll up to date on this also. It may be another month, lol. But, I'll keep you posted. I'm sorry I keep jumping back and forth from one thought to another, but that's what I get for not updating more often. I'm excited about Halloween coming up. I remember last Halloween I had already lost quite a bit of weight and the boys and I walked a hundred miles trick or treating and we did so much together. This year is going to be even better. It feels awesome to feel human, and to have people look at you like you are human and not some freak. It's amazing how people look at me now, and treat me too. I don't think it's all in my mind. It could be my attitude has changed also. And, I'm sure that the change in my perception is probably part of things, but it's just weird. I can't imagine what it'll be like when and if I get down to a "normal" weight. I mean right now I'm still fat. I'm going to go for now. I have a millon things to do today. As usual I'll close by saying I'll try not to wait so long to update next time. But, we'll see. LOL. Good Luck my lovelies!
Labor Day as a Loser -174 lbs-September 4th, 2004
Sep 03, 2004
September 4th, 2004 Weight 224 Down
Hi fellow "losers". I am updating again. Kinda worried through this long labor day weekend. The symptoms I talked about in my last post are still present. Doc did another UA that came back clean, they even sent it for a culture and it came back clean. So next was the pelvic exam. Nothing out of the ordinary, everything looked good. Drew blood and sent me for a catscan. So yesterday I had my catscan, but now I have to wait until Tuesday or later to find out what the catscan showed. Maybe I'm just conjuring up really awful things in my head, but I hope it isn't anything serious. It's wierd because this started exactly 10 days after I went to the ER for the kidney stone that I don't believe I ever passed. The pain in my right side just went away. Then 10 days later I have the pelvic pain and problem urinating?! I don't know. It was a week yesterday when this started and it seems to kind of come and go. Sometimes at work during the day when I'm drinking copious amounts of water, it doesn't bother me so much. Then in the evenings when I back off on the fluid intake it seems to "flair" up. I was reading on WebMD about chronic pelvic pain that lasts 6 months or more. How awful for someone to suffer like that all the time. Anyway, I don't think that is what my problem is. I did read about pelvic inflammatory disease or PID. But I didn't fit all those symptoms either. I guess I'll know something soon. I'll keep you guys posted. As you can see my weight is going down again. This is good. I've been eating well, of course getting all my water in, and exercising. I can't believe that I only have 25 pounds to go to be in the 100's again. I haven't been in the 100's since my mid teens. For someone who weighed over 400 pounds at one time (my highest recorded weight is 398, but I'm sure I weighed more then that before) to be almost in the 100's is nothing short of amazing. Have a super weekend everyone!
Hi fellow "losers". I am updating again. Kinda worried through this long labor day weekend. The symptoms I talked about in my last post are still present. Doc did another UA that came back clean, they even sent it for a culture and it came back clean. So next was the pelvic exam. Nothing out of the ordinary, everything looked good. Drew blood and sent me for a catscan. So yesterday I had my catscan, but now I have to wait until Tuesday or later to find out what the catscan showed. Maybe I'm just conjuring up really awful things in my head, but I hope it isn't anything serious. It's wierd because this started exactly 10 days after I went to the ER for the kidney stone that I don't believe I ever passed. The pain in my right side just went away. Then 10 days later I have the pelvic pain and problem urinating?! I don't know. It was a week yesterday when this started and it seems to kind of come and go. Sometimes at work during the day when I'm drinking copious amounts of water, it doesn't bother me so much. Then in the evenings when I back off on the fluid intake it seems to "flair" up. I was reading on WebMD about chronic pelvic pain that lasts 6 months or more. How awful for someone to suffer like that all the time. Anyway, I don't think that is what my problem is. I did read about pelvic inflammatory disease or PID. But I didn't fit all those symptoms either. I guess I'll know something soon. I'll keep you guys posted. As you can see my weight is going down again. This is good. I've been eating well, of course getting all my water in, and exercising. I can't believe that I only have 25 pounds to go to be in the 100's again. I haven't been in the 100's since my mid teens. For someone who weighed over 400 pounds at one time (my highest recorded weight is 398, but I'm sure I weighed more then that before) to be almost in the 100's is nothing short of amazing. Have a super weekend everyone!
Still Musing-August 26th, 2004
Aug 25, 2004
August 26th, 2004 Weight 230
Hello all my friends. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update. The scale has finally started to move downward again. That is a positive. I'd like to thank the many people who emailed me with words of support after my last post. I really never even believed anyone read my journal. I am in a better place now. I have to remind myself to take things one day at a time instead of "what if'ing" the future. That is what the spiraling out of control feeling is all about, worrying too much about what CAN happen. I have to remind myself that I still have choices. I won't always make the best ones, but I can't kick myself for making the wrong choices at times. I am still only human. So, I am doing better. I also went to see my PCP and got back on Zoloft. I'm just now starting out with a mild dose, so I'm not sure if it is doing anything for me. But, I know that I've been a tad more level headed. The only thing bad that has been going on with me lately involves my urinary tract, lol. I went to the ER on August 10th. I was in so much pain just like I was in labor. I thought my appendix had burst. But ended up I had a kidney stone. I drink over 100 oz of water everyday so I don't know what caused it, but it happens I guess. Well, the ER doc said I would pass it and gave me pain meds and nausea meds to take home in case one comes back. Well, I've been pretty good until last night. My lower back started to hurt and I had to go pee 4 times during the night. This is a little unusual for me even though I drink so much water. But last night I worked out late so drank like 40 oz of water right before bed, so attributed the nocturnal bathroom visits to this. Then I had the most painful pressure in my lower abdomen this morning when I got up. I've been on my period since Sunday (apologizing) to any guys that may be reading this if you feel this is TMI. But, this pain and pressure didn't feel like any menstrual cramps I've ever had before. After being in pain all morning and feeling like I wasn't "finishing" after a potty break I called the doctor thinking I have a UTI. Well, I went in and gave the doc a UA. Doc called me back and said my UA was crystal clear. WTF? I said "why do I have pressure in my pubic area and pain when I pee", he said "keep pushing the fluids, (I'll drown if I drink anymore water for crying out loud) and if the symptoms persist we will do the UA again and retest. Well, I'm calling tomorrow. I'm not going to suffer all weekend. I'm miserable. I don't quite know what to think. It may be a kidney infection since my back hurts. I haven't been running a fever, but I have been chilled and nauseas. The pain and pressure isn't all in my head. I haven't really been straining to urinate like the symptom of a UTI. This may be because of all the water I'm drinking. I drank 70oz just before 11 this morning and most mornings are like that. But again when I do go I put out quite a bit, but I still feel pressure and pain when I'm done. I'm baffled! I don't know what is going on, but I'm a bit miserable right now. I'm going to lie down and I'll try to update as soon as I know more about what is going on. Take care everyone. God bless you on your journey. ~ Carmen
Hello all my friends. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update. The scale has finally started to move downward again. That is a positive. I'd like to thank the many people who emailed me with words of support after my last post. I really never even believed anyone read my journal. I am in a better place now. I have to remind myself to take things one day at a time instead of "what if'ing" the future. That is what the spiraling out of control feeling is all about, worrying too much about what CAN happen. I have to remind myself that I still have choices. I won't always make the best ones, but I can't kick myself for making the wrong choices at times. I am still only human. So, I am doing better. I also went to see my PCP and got back on Zoloft. I'm just now starting out with a mild dose, so I'm not sure if it is doing anything for me. But, I know that I've been a tad more level headed. The only thing bad that has been going on with me lately involves my urinary tract, lol. I went to the ER on August 10th. I was in so much pain just like I was in labor. I thought my appendix had burst. But ended up I had a kidney stone. I drink over 100 oz of water everyday so I don't know what caused it, but it happens I guess. Well, the ER doc said I would pass it and gave me pain meds and nausea meds to take home in case one comes back. Well, I've been pretty good until last night. My lower back started to hurt and I had to go pee 4 times during the night. This is a little unusual for me even though I drink so much water. But last night I worked out late so drank like 40 oz of water right before bed, so attributed the nocturnal bathroom visits to this. Then I had the most painful pressure in my lower abdomen this morning when I got up. I've been on my period since Sunday (apologizing) to any guys that may be reading this if you feel this is TMI. But, this pain and pressure didn't feel like any menstrual cramps I've ever had before. After being in pain all morning and feeling like I wasn't "finishing" after a potty break I called the doctor thinking I have a UTI. Well, I went in and gave the doc a UA. Doc called me back and said my UA was crystal clear. WTF? I said "why do I have pressure in my pubic area and pain when I pee", he said "keep pushing the fluids, (I'll drown if I drink anymore water for crying out loud) and if the symptoms persist we will do the UA again and retest. Well, I'm calling tomorrow. I'm not going to suffer all weekend. I'm miserable. I don't quite know what to think. It may be a kidney infection since my back hurts. I haven't been running a fever, but I have been chilled and nauseas. The pain and pressure isn't all in my head. I haven't really been straining to urinate like the symptom of a UTI. This may be because of all the water I'm drinking. I drank 70oz just before 11 this morning and most mornings are like that. But again when I do go I put out quite a bit, but I still feel pressure and pain when I'm done. I'm baffled! I don't know what is going on, but I'm a bit miserable right now. I'm going to lie down and I'll try to update as soon as I know more about what is going on. Take care everyone. God bless you on your journey. ~ Carmen
Feeling a Little Lost and Confused-July 30th, 2004
Jul 29, 2004
July 30th, 2004 Weight 237
Hi everyone. I finally am getting around to updating my profile. I've really been struggling lately. My weight has fluctuated from 233 to 237 since the beginning of June. It's crazy how those 4 pounds have haunted me. I'm surely cursed. I've always been honest in my posts to my profile and this one isn't going to be any different, but it will be painful. It is a quarter to 1 in the morning and I'm up thinking about things. To be honest I'm scared!! I have been cocky in the past thinking I will always do things right and the weight will continue to come off. Well, I am seeing lately that I can eat anything, and a lot of it. I'll do good during the day at work, but then I will fight all evening to stay away from food. And since my weight loss has stopped I've been caving. I really see how someone can gain all the weight back. Why do I allow myself to let this happen. Someone else has to know this feeling. The total feeling of helplessness and loss of control. It's almost like I'm sitting back waiting for the bad cycle to stop so I can do damage control, like it's someone else. I can't explain it, but I know someone will understand what I'm saying. I've analyzed things. I have an addictive personality. I used to smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I quit cold turkey and I don't smoke today. But, I know I'm one cigg away from being a smoker again. When I'm not eating I'm shopping, or drinking. I went out the other night and drank 8 beers. I thought I was going to die. I felt AWFUL!! Why did I do that?? I was the only one drinking, it wasn't like I just got carried away and didn't realize what I was doing. My friends and I were playing darts and pool and they were all drinking pop. I just feel like I'm in a funk I can't crawl out of. What does one do when they have an addictive personality?? What??? I see the cycles. I'll shop, spend money I don't have on things I don't need. It's a high, then I'll come home and feel "let down". Then I'll eat something I shouldn't, temporary high with the impending guilt and self loathing, which in turn makes me do something else hurtful like drink a beer. It's like that Stacy Orrico song "There's gotta be more to life". I am chasing every temporary high. Why am I not happy? I thought losing weight would make me happy. I mean I thought I was happy. I have an alright marriage. It isn't great, but it isn't awful. We just celebrated 16 years and we don't hate each other. I have two beautiful boys 5 & 7. I love them with all my heart. I worry everyday that I'm not a good mommy to them. I try with everything I have, but they are unruly at times. I have family and friends that love me. I have a good paying job and I like my job and my co workers. What am I needing to fill that I'm filling with food? beer? shopping? I'm lost. If anyone reading this has any words of wisdom I'd love to hear them. I am usually quite upbeat in my profile postings. But, I wasn't going to whitewash how I'm feeling right now at almost 15 months post op. This is real and this is how it is. I want anyone looking at this that hasn't had surgery yet or is newly post op to know what can happen down the line. Of course they might think it can't or it won't happen to them. I hope it doesn't. I thought the same thing when I read other people's profiles or posts early on that said "wait till your out further and you'll have these issues", I thought "not me". "I'm going to lose all my weight in record time, be skinny, and have all the answers. I don't want anyone to take from this update that at any time have I been ungrateful for this surgery. I am so grateful. Just today I was looking back at some of my pre op pictures and I was devasted at how big I was. I thought to myself "how did I get that big"? "Why didn't I stop"? And, it literally scares me senseless to think I could be right back there. Where I was before. My body may look a little different now, but my mind is still the same. And the out of control, spiraling feeling has come back. I've also become increasingly more anxious lately. I read beforehand that this would happen. I read in Carnie Wilsons book that it happened to her. I used to take Zoloft and Xanax before surgery for depression and panic attacks. Well, I never liked taking them anyway but after surgery and I thought I was "completely fixed". I just never started taking them again. I didn't need them anymore. Well a few weeks ago I called my PCP and had him prescribe a minimal dose of Xanax for me, I just take one occasionally when I feel the need to take the edge off. I'm too embarrassed to go back to my doctor with my tail between my legs and tell him I need to get back on Zoloft. I don't even know if Zoloft ever even worked for me. I even argued that depression was not my problem. I readily admitted I had anxiety problems, but not depression. Well, now I don't know what to think. Is there a drug for compulsive behavior? That is what I have. I have compulsive written across my forehead. I've rambled on and on and I know none of this may make sense to anyone that might stop by and read it, but this is what is going on with me right now. I pray that you are all well wherever you are in your journey. Below is me this year wearing what I wore last July 4th (2003). Carmen
0 comments
Hi everyone. I finally am getting around to updating my profile. I've really been struggling lately. My weight has fluctuated from 233 to 237 since the beginning of June. It's crazy how those 4 pounds have haunted me. I'm surely cursed. I've always been honest in my posts to my profile and this one isn't going to be any different, but it will be painful. It is a quarter to 1 in the morning and I'm up thinking about things. To be honest I'm scared!! I have been cocky in the past thinking I will always do things right and the weight will continue to come off. Well, I am seeing lately that I can eat anything, and a lot of it. I'll do good during the day at work, but then I will fight all evening to stay away from food. And since my weight loss has stopped I've been caving. I really see how someone can gain all the weight back. Why do I allow myself to let this happen. Someone else has to know this feeling. The total feeling of helplessness and loss of control. It's almost like I'm sitting back waiting for the bad cycle to stop so I can do damage control, like it's someone else. I can't explain it, but I know someone will understand what I'm saying. I've analyzed things. I have an addictive personality. I used to smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I quit cold turkey and I don't smoke today. But, I know I'm one cigg away from being a smoker again. When I'm not eating I'm shopping, or drinking. I went out the other night and drank 8 beers. I thought I was going to die. I felt AWFUL!! Why did I do that?? I was the only one drinking, it wasn't like I just got carried away and didn't realize what I was doing. My friends and I were playing darts and pool and they were all drinking pop. I just feel like I'm in a funk I can't crawl out of. What does one do when they have an addictive personality?? What??? I see the cycles. I'll shop, spend money I don't have on things I don't need. It's a high, then I'll come home and feel "let down". Then I'll eat something I shouldn't, temporary high with the impending guilt and self loathing, which in turn makes me do something else hurtful like drink a beer. It's like that Stacy Orrico song "There's gotta be more to life". I am chasing every temporary high. Why am I not happy? I thought losing weight would make me happy. I mean I thought I was happy. I have an alright marriage. It isn't great, but it isn't awful. We just celebrated 16 years and we don't hate each other. I have two beautiful boys 5 & 7. I love them with all my heart. I worry everyday that I'm not a good mommy to them. I try with everything I have, but they are unruly at times. I have family and friends that love me. I have a good paying job and I like my job and my co workers. What am I needing to fill that I'm filling with food? beer? shopping? I'm lost. If anyone reading this has any words of wisdom I'd love to hear them. I am usually quite upbeat in my profile postings. But, I wasn't going to whitewash how I'm feeling right now at almost 15 months post op. This is real and this is how it is. I want anyone looking at this that hasn't had surgery yet or is newly post op to know what can happen down the line. Of course they might think it can't or it won't happen to them. I hope it doesn't. I thought the same thing when I read other people's profiles or posts early on that said "wait till your out further and you'll have these issues", I thought "not me". "I'm going to lose all my weight in record time, be skinny, and have all the answers. I don't want anyone to take from this update that at any time have I been ungrateful for this surgery. I am so grateful. Just today I was looking back at some of my pre op pictures and I was devasted at how big I was. I thought to myself "how did I get that big"? "Why didn't I stop"? And, it literally scares me senseless to think I could be right back there. Where I was before. My body may look a little different now, but my mind is still the same. And the out of control, spiraling feeling has come back. I've also become increasingly more anxious lately. I read beforehand that this would happen. I read in Carnie Wilsons book that it happened to her. I used to take Zoloft and Xanax before surgery for depression and panic attacks. Well, I never liked taking them anyway but after surgery and I thought I was "completely fixed". I just never started taking them again. I didn't need them anymore. Well a few weeks ago I called my PCP and had him prescribe a minimal dose of Xanax for me, I just take one occasionally when I feel the need to take the edge off. I'm too embarrassed to go back to my doctor with my tail between my legs and tell him I need to get back on Zoloft. I don't even know if Zoloft ever even worked for me. I even argued that depression was not my problem. I readily admitted I had anxiety problems, but not depression. Well, now I don't know what to think. Is there a drug for compulsive behavior? That is what I have. I have compulsive written across my forehead. I've rambled on and on and I know none of this may make sense to anyone that might stop by and read it, but this is what is going on with me right now. I pray that you are all well wherever you are in your journey. Below is me this year wearing what I wore last July 4th (2003). Carmen
A Little Over a Year Out and -165 lbs-June 20th, 2004
Jun 19, 2004
June 20th, 2004 Weight 233
Hi everyone. I can't believe it's been so long since my last update. I think about updating like everyday, but actually getting around to it is a different story. Boy, where do I start? Well as you can see my weight is down. It's not coming off like there's no tomorrow, but it's coming off and for that I'm grateful. It's funny, looking back at what I was eating in April. I have changed my eating and I think it's really helped with getting my weight to go down steadily. I've gotten my protein up much higher and I don't eat as many carbs now. In fact I eat very few carbs, which is just the way it works out not that I'm fanatical about it. Below is an average day for me now.
Breakfast: Carb Solutions Protein Shake (11 fl oz)
Mid Morning Snack: Medium Hard Boiled egg
Lunch: Package of 3 oz tuna, mixed with 1 T miracle whip light, and 5 green olives cut up.
Afternoon snack: 1oz cheese, 5 turkey pepperoni
Dinner: 3 oz meat (whatever I make for dinner that night) 1 oz veggies.
Snack: Carb Solutions Protein Shake and maybe a few pieces of SF candy (I found SF York Peppermint patties that are to die for, I put them in the fridge and have 1 as a treat now and then)
Don't laugh the above is about the same everyday. Doesn't vary by much. It isn't because I feel obligated to eat the same. I'm just at a point where these things are tasty to me and I get along okay with them. I will vary it up from time to time, but for the main part I don't stray much. This daily intake gives me apx 900-1200 calories, 30-40g fat, 5-20 carbs, and 85-100g protein. I also continue to drink at least 64-120 oz of water and crystal light per day. Occasionally I will have a diet pepsi or a beer, but only on occasion. I take 2 calcium citrate a day and 1 multivitamin. I go monthly to my primary care physcian for a B12 shot. When my surgeon took my labs at my year appointment it came back low on B12, I couldn't find a B12 that I like, so thought it'd be easier to just go get a shot once a month. Man I've got other stuff I'd like to lay down right now, but as usual I don't have much time. I will update again soon, let you know what else is going on. So much to tell, so little time. See you soon!
Hi everyone. I can't believe it's been so long since my last update. I think about updating like everyday, but actually getting around to it is a different story. Boy, where do I start? Well as you can see my weight is down. It's not coming off like there's no tomorrow, but it's coming off and for that I'm grateful. It's funny, looking back at what I was eating in April. I have changed my eating and I think it's really helped with getting my weight to go down steadily. I've gotten my protein up much higher and I don't eat as many carbs now. In fact I eat very few carbs, which is just the way it works out not that I'm fanatical about it. Below is an average day for me now.
Breakfast: Carb Solutions Protein Shake (11 fl oz)
Mid Morning Snack: Medium Hard Boiled egg
Lunch: Package of 3 oz tuna, mixed with 1 T miracle whip light, and 5 green olives cut up.
Afternoon snack: 1oz cheese, 5 turkey pepperoni
Dinner: 3 oz meat (whatever I make for dinner that night) 1 oz veggies.
Snack: Carb Solutions Protein Shake and maybe a few pieces of SF candy (I found SF York Peppermint patties that are to die for, I put them in the fridge and have 1 as a treat now and then)
Don't laugh the above is about the same everyday. Doesn't vary by much. It isn't because I feel obligated to eat the same. I'm just at a point where these things are tasty to me and I get along okay with them. I will vary it up from time to time, but for the main part I don't stray much. This daily intake gives me apx 900-1200 calories, 30-40g fat, 5-20 carbs, and 85-100g protein. I also continue to drink at least 64-120 oz of water and crystal light per day. Occasionally I will have a diet pepsi or a beer, but only on occasion. I take 2 calcium citrate a day and 1 multivitamin. I go monthly to my primary care physcian for a B12 shot. When my surgeon took my labs at my year appointment it came back low on B12, I couldn't find a B12 that I like, so thought it'd be easier to just go get a shot once a month. Man I've got other stuff I'd like to lay down right now, but as usual I don't have much time. I will update again soon, let you know what else is going on. So much to tell, so little time. See you soon!
How Time Flies-April 6th, 2004
Apr 05, 2004
April 6th, 2004 Weight 251 -147 pre op, -109 surgery day
Hiya friends! I am doing well. I can't believe next late next month will be my year anniversary. How time flies! I cannot wait to be under 250. I can't remember the last time I weighed under 250. My sis is now under 200. She weighs like 184 or so. This is down from her pre op weight of 301. I am getting so impatient to get down further. I know the window will close soon. I have been trying so hard. Doing everything stringently like I didn't do the first 3 or 4 months. Those months I really tested what I could eat like I was "cheating" on my new pouch. Instead of working it. Now since at least my 5th month I have worked very hard to get to my goal which is still a long way away. I have exciting news in my clothes. Before surgery the only jeans I could wear were the biggest size stretch jeans in the Lane Bryant catalog. Even 2 months out of surgery I could only fit into size 34 jeans. I went to WalMart the other day and bought a size 24 stretch jeans and they FIT. I had orginally bought a size 26 took them home thinking they would be too small and they were way too BIG. Wowzer!! My mind has definately not caught up with my new body. I still see in the mirror the HUGE person I was before. I do have a lot of hanging skin. I have bad batwings, back flab, a hanging panni, and my thighs look like a shar-pei puppy. But, I am so much happier now. I just want to grab every MO person I see in the store or wherever and tell them about my journey. In my last journal entry I said I wanted to help someone by my journey. I don't really know how to do that, but I've seen other profiles where just basic information was helpful to me. So, just for me I'll tell what a usual daily diet is for me at 10 months out.
Breakfast: 6oz. Blue Bunny Lite 85 yogurt
couple tsp of grapenuts for crunch and fiber
Morning Snack: 11fl oz Protein shake
Lunch: 3 oz of pressed meat
2 oz cheese
Afternoon snack: 20 mixed nuts
Dinner: 3 oz meat
1/4 c. veggies or salad
Snack: Protein bar or SF pudding or ice
cream sandwich
I usually drink 86 to 100 oz of water and Crystal Light daily. I take 2 multi vitamins and 2 calcium citrate pills. The totals for this menu are Calories 1148, Fat 59, Carbs 51, and Protein 105. This is just kind of an average day. I sometimes get less calories and less carbs. My nutrionist said that she would like to see about 20 grams of carbs per meal with 3 meals a day. So, usually if I keep my carbs under 60 a day I'm happy. But, sometimes I keep them even lower. I also work out everyday. I will walk between 2 and 5 miles a day. Along with 15 minutes (working my way up) on my elipitcal, 15 minutes of weight training and 15 minutes of abdominals. Sometimes I mis the routine up with Walk away the pounds tapes and pilates. I hope this may help someone to see what someone eats at 10 months out. Sometimes I can't eat 6 times a day either. I'll only eat 4 times. It just depends. I stay away from sugar for the most part. I have found from experience that I don't dump. But, I haven't pushed that point in many months. I didn't have this surgery to go back to making love to blizzards. NOT! Well, gotta go. OH YEAH, I forgot! One of the volunteers on this site named Chelle is putting some pics up on my site. They are a bunch of before and after pics. I hope that someone draws inspiration from them. I'm also working on putting a weight chart on my profile and a measuremnt chart. I didn't measure diligently from the beginning but I have been measuring for a couple months and it is pretty amazing. I am also really excited because I am an angel to a lovely lady named Heather Phillips. She goes in for surgery on April 12th. I am so excited to be her angel and I will be visiting her on the 13th when I go to my support group meeting. She is going to do fabulous and I can't wait to see her. Thanks for listening!
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Hiya friends! I am doing well. I can't believe next late next month will be my year anniversary. How time flies! I cannot wait to be under 250. I can't remember the last time I weighed under 250. My sis is now under 200. She weighs like 184 or so. This is down from her pre op weight of 301. I am getting so impatient to get down further. I know the window will close soon. I have been trying so hard. Doing everything stringently like I didn't do the first 3 or 4 months. Those months I really tested what I could eat like I was "cheating" on my new pouch. Instead of working it. Now since at least my 5th month I have worked very hard to get to my goal which is still a long way away. I have exciting news in my clothes. Before surgery the only jeans I could wear were the biggest size stretch jeans in the Lane Bryant catalog. Even 2 months out of surgery I could only fit into size 34 jeans. I went to WalMart the other day and bought a size 24 stretch jeans and they FIT. I had orginally bought a size 26 took them home thinking they would be too small and they were way too BIG. Wowzer!! My mind has definately not caught up with my new body. I still see in the mirror the HUGE person I was before. I do have a lot of hanging skin. I have bad batwings, back flab, a hanging panni, and my thighs look like a shar-pei puppy. But, I am so much happier now. I just want to grab every MO person I see in the store or wherever and tell them about my journey. In my last journal entry I said I wanted to help someone by my journey. I don't really know how to do that, but I've seen other profiles where just basic information was helpful to me. So, just for me I'll tell what a usual daily diet is for me at 10 months out.
Breakfast: 6oz. Blue Bunny Lite 85 yogurt
couple tsp of grapenuts for crunch and fiber
Morning Snack: 11fl oz Protein shake
Lunch: 3 oz of pressed meat
2 oz cheese
Afternoon snack: 20 mixed nuts
Dinner: 3 oz meat
1/4 c. veggies or salad
Snack: Protein bar or SF pudding or ice
cream sandwich
I usually drink 86 to 100 oz of water and Crystal Light daily. I take 2 multi vitamins and 2 calcium citrate pills. The totals for this menu are Calories 1148, Fat 59, Carbs 51, and Protein 105. This is just kind of an average day. I sometimes get less calories and less carbs. My nutrionist said that she would like to see about 20 grams of carbs per meal with 3 meals a day. So, usually if I keep my carbs under 60 a day I'm happy. But, sometimes I keep them even lower. I also work out everyday. I will walk between 2 and 5 miles a day. Along with 15 minutes (working my way up) on my elipitcal, 15 minutes of weight training and 15 minutes of abdominals. Sometimes I mis the routine up with Walk away the pounds tapes and pilates. I hope this may help someone to see what someone eats at 10 months out. Sometimes I can't eat 6 times a day either. I'll only eat 4 times. It just depends. I stay away from sugar for the most part. I have found from experience that I don't dump. But, I haven't pushed that point in many months. I didn't have this surgery to go back to making love to blizzards. NOT! Well, gotta go. OH YEAH, I forgot! One of the volunteers on this site named Chelle is putting some pics up on my site. They are a bunch of before and after pics. I hope that someone draws inspiration from them. I'm also working on putting a weight chart on my profile and a measuremnt chart. I didn't measure diligently from the beginning but I have been measuring for a couple months and it is pretty amazing. I am also really excited because I am an angel to a lovely lady named Heather Phillips. She goes in for surgery on April 12th. I am so excited to be her angel and I will be visiting her on the 13th when I go to my support group meeting. She is going to do fabulous and I can't wait to see her. Thanks for listening!
Woohoo!!!! March 18th, 2004
Mar 17, 2004
March 18, 2004
Weight 255...Woohoo! Down 3 pounds finally! Hello! I am on the message board every day but I forget to come and sign onto my profile. As you can see the scale finally moved. I am really excited about that! Also, I walked 5 miles last Saturday! WOW! Me! I was amazed! It wasn't bad either. I was a little sore on Sunday, but walked a mile. I have been mixing up my routine though. I've been doing my eliptical machine everynight and lifting weights for about 15 to 20 minutes. Sometimes I will walk on the treadmill or walk the track and do these besides. I can only do 3 minutes on my eliptical machine. It is a friggin killer. I'm out of breath and hurting after 3 minutes. But, when I first got the machine. I tried it and could only do like 5 seconds. So 3 minutes is good in comparison. I'm excited to work my way up. I've been thinking a lot lately about helping other people on this site. I do fill in my profile, but does it really help anyone to read it? I see so many profiles that have tons of information on them for pre and post ops. Mine is just me rambling. I'm going to try to do different things to spice my profile up. I would like to do a weight loss chart. That would be cool. Okay, I'm on my lunch hour and it's almost over. Gotta go. Be good to yourselves!
Weight 255...Woohoo! Down 3 pounds finally! Hello! I am on the message board every day but I forget to come and sign onto my profile. As you can see the scale finally moved. I am really excited about that! Also, I walked 5 miles last Saturday! WOW! Me! I was amazed! It wasn't bad either. I was a little sore on Sunday, but walked a mile. I have been mixing up my routine though. I've been doing my eliptical machine everynight and lifting weights for about 15 to 20 minutes. Sometimes I will walk on the treadmill or walk the track and do these besides. I can only do 3 minutes on my eliptical machine. It is a friggin killer. I'm out of breath and hurting after 3 minutes. But, when I first got the machine. I tried it and could only do like 5 seconds. So 3 minutes is good in comparison. I'm excited to work my way up. I've been thinking a lot lately about helping other people on this site. I do fill in my profile, but does it really help anyone to read it? I see so many profiles that have tons of information on them for pre and post ops. Mine is just me rambling. I'm going to try to do different things to spice my profile up. I would like to do a weight loss chart. That would be cool. Okay, I'm on my lunch hour and it's almost over. Gotta go. Be good to yourselves!
Stalled and Feeling Like a Failure-March 3rd, 2004
Mar 02, 2004
March 3rd, 2004 Weight 258..
Hi Amos friends! Scale still hasn't moved. It's been since February 9th. I'm going to call the nutrionist and see if I could be doing something better. I hate this watching calories, fat, protein, carbs. I thought I wasn't going to have to do that after surgery. Bummed! Just makes me want to chew on everything. I know I should be patient. But sometimes it is so hard. I just want to lose weight so I can get on with things. Especially when I am really trying. When I haven't done so well in the past I knew that it was because I wasn't making the best food choices. But now, I am following the pouch rules and to see the scale have the same number on it for almost a month is maddening. I know I shouldn't obsess. But, I am only human and we are all like that. If someone pre op is reading this, let me apologize for the rant. But this will happen. Do I regret surgery? Hell NO! Is it more work then I realized? Yep! But, I was fooling myself thinking the surgery was going to do all the work for me. I learned early on that I was going to have to work at this. I just don't want to be a failure and I don't want to waste my time dwelling on being a failure. It's all such a waste of time.
Hi Amos friends! Scale still hasn't moved. It's been since February 9th. I'm going to call the nutrionist and see if I could be doing something better. I hate this watching calories, fat, protein, carbs. I thought I wasn't going to have to do that after surgery. Bummed! Just makes me want to chew on everything. I know I should be patient. But sometimes it is so hard. I just want to lose weight so I can get on with things. Especially when I am really trying. When I haven't done so well in the past I knew that it was because I wasn't making the best food choices. But now, I am following the pouch rules and to see the scale have the same number on it for almost a month is maddening. I know I shouldn't obsess. But, I am only human and we are all like that. If someone pre op is reading this, let me apologize for the rant. But this will happen. Do I regret surgery? Hell NO! Is it more work then I realized? Yep! But, I was fooling myself thinking the surgery was going to do all the work for me. I learned early on that I was going to have to work at this. I just don't want to be a failure and I don't want to waste my time dwelling on being a failure. It's all such a waste of time.
About Me
Salina, KS
Location
36.5
BMI
Surgery
05/28/2003
Surgery Date
Apr 27, 2003
Member Since
