AndiT

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

So its been a while since my last update, mainly cause I hate typing... I had my weigh in with my PA yesterday, still rocking this goddamn pre-op diet and have lost a total of 61 pounds so far.  I got a bit emotional as I really didnt think I had it in me to keep this up for as long as I have.  Last week was my stress test, and again much to my surprise, my heart is healthy and fine.  I am now officially cleared for surgery.

Originally I has opted to go with Dr. Patterson at the Oregon Weight Loss Surgery office, and because of my insurance I was told I had to do all of my pre-op clearance work through Legacy Good Sam's Weight and Diabetes Management Center.  So that is who I have been working with the past 10 weeks, Legacy.  They have been damn good to me and supportive and helpful and as of now have yet to meet with any staff from OWLS.  I decided yesterday to go ahead and switch and have my surgery with a Legacy surgeon, Dr. Halpin since I was already under the care of Legacy and had a great relationship established with my PA, Lisa and her assistant Val.  Plus the front office staff are pretty kick ass.

That being said it looks like there will be less hoops for me to jump through transitioning from Legacy to the other clinic as well as getting scheduled for surgery sooner.  And while this pleases me greatly I cant help but be terrified that this is coming closer and closer.  Kinda sat here last night and was like OH SHIT. THIS IS HAPPENING. FOR REAL.

I am a mix of emotions ranging from nauseous, to happy, to ecstatic to anxiety back to joy and then tears of absolutely fear... WHAT IF....  Iv'e done my research, I've looked at all angles, I know what can go wrong and I also know what I stand to gain, or LOOSE rather from doing this, so why the panic now?  This is the home stretch, this is what I have busted my ass so very hard for, this is what I have endured these shit shakes for 10 weeks for.

One of the other things that I have been experiencing is skin.  I already have skin flopping all over, under my arms, my boobs are flatter, the insides of my thighs are sagging and making it hard to walk.  I knew this would be coming, I guess I didnt wrap my head around how bad its gonna get.  Few nights ago while cooking, I reached over a pot of boiling water to adjust the heat and my arm flap was hanging so low, i skimmed the top of the water and burned my arm.  And then went to grab a paper towel and the same goddamn arm flap, knocked over a bottle of olive oil. Is this what I have to look forward to??  It's like I'm trading one horror for another and it sickens me to be honest.

Therapy helps of course but shes thin and I swear cannot even fathom how I feel since shes not experienced it.  Sitting here waiting for the call back to let me know when I can schedule with the surgeon.  Tummy hurts.

Been reading lots of support group forums and gaining perspective of newbies as well and post-op vets, grabbing bits of advice and learning from successes and not so successful situations and I find myself trying so very hard not to be judgmental of some.  Seeing people that their whole approval to surgery process took a whopping 3 weeks and they are actually having to ask "What can I eat post-op"  Like really?  You don't know at this point and your surgery is in a few days!? Did you bother to consult with a nutritionist? Did you think to call and I dunno, maybe ask your surgeon or their office staff?  Did you even bother to research any of this before you were like "Surgery? Fuck yeah sign me up!"  Or another individual who wanted the Internet to help them choose which procedure they should do, "Which one is better internet, help me choose!"  Cause again, research or an actual consultation with a surgeon who can help you decide based on your body and your habits wouldn't help at all.

It's hard for me to not get pissed, I've spent years looking into this and choosing only now to do it because I am finally ready, so when I see people casually wanting surgery cause why not, I have insurance, and its free!  It just really kills me.

I had been wondering, anxiously, how long it would take before there was some major melt down commotion in my home over my not eating meals and cooking big meals for everyone else.  BLAM, it happened.  Yesterday.  My husband LOST HIS SHIT over me not cooking him the usual big Saturday breakfast.  I cannot even begin to describe how hard it is for me to be in the kitchen cooking for him and my son, knowing I cannot eat ANY of it.  I only know how to cook like I have always been cooking.  Potatoes, pastas, rice dishes, Asian meals, Indian meals, weekend burgers and home made fries.  I cant eat it, ANY of it.  And it sucks.  The odd thing about this is here he is telling me how sorry he is, and how I need to stick to it and how happy he is I am doing this and we even had a discussion FRIDAY night about my fear shit was gonna blowup over the weekend cooking, and he stood there, looked me in the face and said "I am perfectly capable of cooking my own breakfast".  So really I am just confused.

We had plans to go farm hopping to get veggies and stuff, and my plan after that was for us to go grocery shopping afterwards, together so he could grab stuff he was familiar cooking with and liked.  I didn't even get a chance.  Typically when he comes at me and asks me if I am ready to go, it usually means he is close to being ready and wants to leave asap. So I said yup, grabbed my sandals and the kiddo and we walked outside, I knew he hadn't eaten anything since he just woke up, but figured he was gonna grab something while we were out.  My and the kiddo played outside and waited, he stuck his head outside and said something I didn't hear, so when I walked back in, he was sulking, like a child, in front of the fridge.  I asked what was up and if he needed help with something, he shrugged, said no and that he'd see me in an HOUR. Seriously?  Ok, headed back outside to play with my son, clean out the car, grab the mail... and waited... apparently he decided he was now no longer going and also decided me and the child didn't need to know this.

Fast forward to the evening, the day has been a shitstorm, I made dinner, not really exciting, but something I can eat and they can too.  No... he doesn't want any. Fine, cool.

I just don't understand this.  I really don't.  He made this big fat deal about throwing food away I shouldn't eat and have, and cant take any initiative beyond that to help out.  He's a grown man, and if HE were the one on this insane and shitty diet, I would never in a thousand years ask him to haul his butt into the kitchen and cook big yummy meals for me, meals he cannot touch.  It's mean.  So now I am scared.  I am scared for what this means come surgery time.  I feel now like the support I was counting on, is going to be non existent.  Am I to be expected to cook, clean and chase my son the day I come home after surgery?  Am I going to be expected to make him bacon and pancakes for his breakfast knowing I can only suck down pureed baby food mush?

Is he expecting me at this point to say screw it and stop and go back to cooking for him like I always have, cause frankly that's how I am feeling, very much unsupported and defeated despite doing my absolute best.  The stress is really too much.  So much so I just remembered that I totally forgot my shakes this morning and my vitamins and stuff.

So its been busy, I am now doing my pre-op stuff, labs, ekg, sleep study etc.  Been going to the Legacy Weight Management Institute for all of this before I actually meet with Dr. Patterson.

It's been surreal, shocking and a huge eye opener.  I have some medical conditions I was not aware of, including diabetes.  They say I am on the cusp, not quite but borderline.  Just call it what it is... *sigh*  Have some lymphedema issues, and high blood pressure.  Had a good cry that I had been stupid and ignored a lot of this and not taken proper care of myself.  But that's where the psychologist comes in, it's not a lazy thing, its a not finding love for myself kinda thing.  Working on it, slow steps right?

So they have me on the pre-op liquid diet, yay.  Not gonna lie, this is bullshit.  It is very much hard to go from having a fully belly a majority of the day to this horrible feeling of hunger all day.  Yesterday was day 1, I got busy with stuff like I usually do and missed a protein shake, and by the time I was someplace to grab one, I was light headed and felt weak.  Even as I am sitting here typing this, my stomach is growing hard and I have a mild headache, not due for a shake for another 40 minutes, I'm counting the seconds.

Friends who have had surgery tell me the first 2 weeks are the hardest and it gets easier, seriously, I have to feel like this for around 2 weeks?  Not liking this.  What's funny is, before this, I could go most of the morning and early afternoon before I ate anything, now, because I'm doing protein at 6am, my body is like "Great, okay, we want more."

So far I have had several people tell me, "Well gosh, if they have you doing this to loose weight before surgery, and you DO loose weight, why not just keep doing this and skip surgery?!"  I don't have an answer for them, I don't, but seriously I don't want to have to exist on 5 shakes a day, plus my measly 2 ounces of lean protein and veggies for dinner.  I get that we eat to live, we eat for nutrition, but we should also enjoy it as well, in my opinion.  I've just enjoyed it way too much and in the wrong amounts.

I also hate how emotional over all of this I feel.  I want to cry and I want to scream and I want to punch something.  I am pissed off that I let it get so out of control that the only course of action is to have surgery to help me fix the problem.  I'm mad that I don't have a very good support group to help me through this, other than strangers in office clinics.  My significant other is caring, and is upset its come to this, he wants it over with as much as I do, but the moment a tear falls, he gets that deer in headlights look on his face and walks away..  Most of the time he means well, like yesterday, while I was at appointments, he took it upon himself to clean out the cupboards, pantry and fridge and threw away food he felt we didn't need.  I appreciate the gesture, I do, but at the same time, I'm like ok, BEFORE this diet, I didn't stand in the kitchen and squirt chocolate syrup down my throat, hell I never used it in the first place, it was for the kid's occasional chocolate milk treat.  My non-fat sugarfree coffee syrups, could have used those later down the road, they weren't cheap, in the dumpster now.  Kinda pissed we didn't do the clean up together.

Anyhow I'm ranting, I'm cranky, I want my next chalky crappy protein shake and I want to get through this as quickly as possible and as painlessly as possibly.

So I have been waiting a while for my medical coverage to kick in and it finally has.  So now, on to getting approved.  I chose to go with Dr. Emma Patterson @ Oregon Weight Loss Surgery because her recommendations and referrals on several websites were pretty awesome.  So my paper work has been submitted and they are checking with the insurance for coverage.  Can take 2 weeks or so they told me, plus they are back logged. Ugh.

I am a mess of emotions and nerves and anxiety right now.  I waver back and forth between giddy excitement and full on panic.  Silly day dreams of skinny jeans, single digit clothing sizes, my thighs not rubbing, amazing sex with my fiance where I'm not huffing cause I cannot breath, riding bikes with my kiddo, being able to flying a plane to see my friends and family, and dear god, being able to have another baby without the fear of dying.  And then my heart races at the what-ifs... what if my heart stops, what if I get ARDS again, what if I have one horrible complication after another, what am I gonna do with all this skin... 

I try to share all of this with my bf but I am not sure if he really understands.  My mom had lap-band done years ago and lost a lot of her weight, but is a miserable depressed mess now.  So while I want to share this experience with her, I really can't.  I mention it and she falls apart in a mess of tears.

I feel like I need to be doing more to prepare myself for this, more mentally than physically.  I know therapy will help and at the moment I am trying to wrap my head around how I managed to get to the weight I am at today.  I keep thinking and its not always a good thing, I think I'm gonna make myself crazy.

I'm just ready to get this train moving, so I can get on with life, properly.