Back to Basics

Feb 15, 2009

Had the fluoro on Tuesday.  The doctor seemed annoyed with his instructions from the NP - to pull out all the fluid to see how much was in there.  He pulled out 7.5 ccs and said that you can never pull it all out so there may be 2 ccs still in there.  He did not think I had a leak.  He put in another 1.5 ccs.

So....I guess if I'm not losing then it is me!  It could be that I just do not experience the band like everyone else.  I guess that's possible?  What I thought the band could do for me is not really possible for me, at least from the past year I will say that.  I thought it would tell me 'you're done', I thought it would make me not think about food (had read posts from other bandsters that said just that), I thought it would make me not feel hunger (read posts about that too).  From this past year what my band has told me is that I can eat anything I want in any quantity, as long as I eat slow.  I don't believe anyone WANTS to get around the band.  But it does happen.  As they say they band is around your stomach, not your mind. 

I need a supportive environment to succeed.  In the beginning I was counting calories and the dietitian said I didn't need to do that.  Well that screwed me up.  I'm hyper-sensitive to criticism and I took it as criticism.  In fact I've taken just about all comments from my bariatric center as criticism.  I guess I don't like feeling vulnerable and having to admit that 1) I need help, and 2) I don't know how to do it.  So any words of correction have been viewed by me as criticism.  And they always set me back.  I've never connected with the NP and  in fact my first meeting with her before the surgery infuriated me.  They have added a new PA and luckily I have my appointment with her in March.  I hope she is better, I hope we can connect.  I hope I can feel supported.  I hope I can make that clear to her that I need to feel supported.   

There are posters on the the lap-band board that have no tolerance for people who are not succeeding.  There is no environment for assistance with strugglers.  The messages back are that you are stupid, you are uniformed, you are lazy, you are sabotaging, etc.  That is not a supportive environment.  And that is just what I've seen - I have not posted my failure except in response to others who are struggling. 

Okay all my bitching is done. 

My new goal is to be 'obese'.  For me that's 232.  And I'd like to be there by July 11th when I go to away that weekend.  I bought some foods from bariatricchoice.com to help supplement my day with a bit more protein, especially if I need snacks.  I got them Thursday and I already notice a difference (or it could be the new fill).  My new approach is to try to eat as little as possible and be satisfied.  I know, I know, why didn't I try this before.  Oh well.  It's all a process.  I have to forgive my failings and move forward.  So it's been 6 days - doing well.  To be continued.

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