angel22_99

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And it looks like my surgery will be covered by insurance, WOOOO HOOOO!  Of course, I read the letter about 10 times to make sure it didn't say NOT approved. LOL

So now I just have to see how quickly I can be scheduled...I know I still have to have a bunch of medical tests, but I hope I can get this done sometime in September, so I can recuperate, and hopefully lose a few pounds before the holidays.  

I can't decide if I am more scared or excited about this process.  I have been watching a lot of My 600lb life and that just scares the crap out of me.  What if I'm like Penny and lose NO WEIGHT?????  I'm trying to diet now and am having a hard time sticking to it.  I pray to God that I won't be so hungry once a large portion of my stomach is gone.

Today was a good day.  Whenever I have days like this I try to temper my happiness because I feel like I need to be prepared in case the bottom falls out.  I pretty much feel like if I can make myself be a little sad on a happy day, nothing bad will happen...it's like my little version of Murphy's law.

I found out the initial insurance requirements for my surgery yesterday and they aren't too bad.  Besides the usual stuff like being heavy enough for the surgery and going for a psych evaluation, I need to prove that I have done at least six months of a diet program like Weight Watchers or something through a doctor.  This was easy, but  more on this in a little bit.

When I first read the insurance requirements, I thought the six months of a weight loss program had to be within the last two years (but I was wrong because I don't live in Maryland and my employers insurance policy is self insured).  And since I have not done a structured weight loss program in the last two years, I was both happy and sad at the same time.  Part of me wants the surgery done yesterday and another part of me can't believe I am going to mutilate my body to fit someone else's standard of what is an acceptable weight.  I still have this little fairy tale in my mind that I will lose this weight on my own.  Since the plan said that I just have to do some program, not necessarily through the bariatric office, I was imagining I would join my mother on Saturday mornings at Weight Watchers for the next six months!  I was calculating in my mind what the total weight I could lose before I am under 40 BMI...AS IF!! LOL

So as I was saying, I was reading the wrong part of the policy and the weight loss program doesn't have a time frame.  Now I'm the type of person who throws everything out (actually, I shred it!).  For some unknown reason, I kept my Weight Watchers attendance cards from 2002 and 2006!  I nearly threw these out a few weeks ago, but for some reason I decided not to.  How depressing was it to review these cards? In 2002 I did Weight Watchers from the second week in January to the first week in September--nine months--and I lost a whopping 41 pounds--in nine months!  It dawned on me that I can't keep playing with the same five pounds for months at Weight Watchers, I need to lose some serious weight.  To make matters worse, I started this diet a couple weeks after my first child was born, I was 303 lbs.  So today I am 15 pounds heavier than I was a month after giving birth.  

When I did Weight Watchers in 2006 I started out at 217 pounds and got down to 203 pounds in a month.  I was coming off my Medifast diet and I thought I would let Weight Watchers "teach" me how to eat correctly, but the last week I was there I gained three pounds and didn't go back.  So much for that.  If I could only go back to my 2006 self and urge myself to stick with it.  I keep thinking how happy I would be to be 200 pounds again...but if I really think about it, when I was that weight I was still disgusted with myself and wanted to lose weight.  Will I ever be happy with my weight?

So now I wait.  I want to schedule the surgery as soon as possible, but my work schedule is going to be very busy in June, July, and August, but I would like to get it done while the kids are at summer break.  Then, we were supposed to take a trip to Upstate New York in July.  Do I make plane reservations or should we drive or should we just skip it?  So much to decide and all I can do is wait.  And am I really even going to do this?

Yesterday I had the consultation with the surgeon and I have decided to go with VSG because I am looking for more of a permanent solution.  My journey to get to this point has been long and bumpy, and I'm not sure I will see any smooth roads for a while.

I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in September 2012 and it has been very hard on me....most doctors refuse to treat the symptoms because they blame the symptoms on my weight, not my neurological disease.  So here I am!  I am sure my weight has a lot to do with it, but under no circumstances do I believe that my MS symptoms  will be cured once I am skinny.  It will definitely help me move around easier and God-forbid, be easier for my husband to lift me into a wheelchair.

I have been obese my entire life. I started my first diet program when I was 8 years old.  It was like this kid version of Weight Watchers and I think I went twice.  It didn't work.  At about 15 years old, I was about 250lbs (my height is 5' 6") and my parents checked me into "weight loss rehab" where I was locked up in a hospital for six weeks and my excessive weight was treated as an addiction--we even went to AA meetings!  (we mostly went to OA meetings)  I removed sugar and ate a super balanced diet and eventually I shrunk down to 150 lbs and managed to mostly stay at that weight through high school, but by the time I graduated college, I was in the 300 lb range.

The ages that should have been the highlight of my life, 22 - 25, were probably the worst because of my weight.  I was a fat bride at 22 and I wore a size 22/24 to my honeymoon.  After that my weight just ballooned up more and I'm not sure how much I weighed, but I was a size 28 by the time I was 25.  Then I started the Atkins diet and got down to 250 and got pregnant (unplanned since we were broke, but we still made it work).  

I think my highest pregnancy weight was 330.  When I got to the hospital to deliver my son, we found out he was breach and they would have to do with a c-section.  I was scared to death and excited at the same time.  When the anesthesiologist came in, he decided to take the opportunity to lecture me on my weight!  Really?  My husband wanted to kill him because, of course, I started crying.  We called hospital management and complained and we had my OB-GYN talk to him and he appologised.  The c-section went fine and I had no complications and a beautiful baby boy.

Several weeks after the baby I started Weight Watchers and once again got down to about 250.  I was on their "nursing mother" program, but it killed my milk supply and I gave up breast feeding after a couple weeks.  Oh well.  I pretty much hovered around that weight until I had my second son three years later.  After that pregnancy I was up in the 300's again, but since I wanted to give breast feeding more of a chance, I didn't start dieting until 4 months later.

In May of 2005 I started Medifast, which was my most extreme diet up to this point.  I did the 5-1 plan where I had 5 shakes/supplements and one lean and green meal which consisted of a frozen chicken breast cooked on the George Forman grill and a can of string beans.  Yum! ;) I got down to 205 which was my lowest weight of my adult life.  I got pregnant again, but I miscarried.  I was devastated.

Fast forward to January 2, 2012...I was stressed out because I was starting a new position, more challenging, position at my job that day.  I woke up that morning with a numb ring finger and pinky and the numbness traveled down my palm through my forearm.  The night before we had gone to a Bowl Game and gotten home really late, so I thought I was just super tired and slept on my arm the whole night.  The feeling in my hand never came back (to this day its still numb).  I visited my neurologist who dismissed it at first, but started to take it serious when I lost the feeling in my left leg and eventually entire left side.  After several MRIs, I was diagnosed with MS in Sept 2012.

I was about 250 during that time (my body really likes 250, yuck).  All was going swimmingly, but in December 2012 I came down with optic neuritis in my left eye and was in the hospital for three days receiving mega-doses of IV steroids.  I was released from the hospital on Christmas Eve and I looked and felt like a sumo-wrestler!  I had another eye issue in March of this year where I lost peripheral vision for about 12 hours and was pumped full of steroids again. 

I am now having walking issues and I lose balance easily.  I also have a lot of pain in my feet.  My neurologist blames it all on my weight and suggested this surgery.  I had been thinking about it for years, but that was the final push.  I'm also currently in acupuncture, and the acupuncturist (who's a total health nut) tells me I should definitely go for the surgery because I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOSE IT ON MY OWN! Geeze!  

I hadn't weighed myself since about Feb 2012, but I knew I was putting on weight big time.  I was shocked to see 318 on the scale at the surgeon's office yesterday!  That's my highest non-pregnant weight.  I soon felt better because Dr. Shillingford was very professional and "non-judgy."  I was really expecting a pompous  prick!  Everyone in his office was super nice.  They think my insurance will be easy and I hope it will.  I wish I could have this surgery tomorrow!