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It's been ages since I've blogged, so a few quick things:

*I finally busted through the 180 barrier, but just barely. I've been hovering between 177 and 179 for about 4 months.
*Breaking into the size 10 realm!! Yippee! Pretty much a solid 12 in most stores and styles, but it's a great day when I can put on a 10 and it fits.

*Bought a couple of items that are size SMALL!!  I've never been a small anything before in my life! (clothing wise anyway)
*Still struggling off and on with the anxiety issues, but not nearly as severly as last fall.

I'm still working up my endurance with my runs, which I've now moved OUTSIDE! That is such a great time, to be able to be outdoors, in nature, running and seeing trees, a bird perhaps, even a deer! I've got a couple of typical routes now, both over 3.25 miles minimum. It now takes me about 50 minutes to do 3.5 by running a couple of minutes followed by walking a couple. Trying to build up the nerve to try a 5k.

What I'm really trying to break through now is the notion that my body might be telling me it's almost "done" losing weight. To date, I'm down 77 pounds, definitely a huge accomplishment! I kind of had my heart set on going for an even 100, but my surgeon told me maybe another 10 or 15 would be plenty. I've built a great deal of muscle over the years and to my great surprise, my body fat % is actually now well within the healthy range at around 23.4%. According to that scale, I really don't have much more to safely lose, so I'm trying to come to terms with that. I know, sounds wierd, I've lost all this weight and I should be thrilled, right? I am, but I worry that this will always be an obsession for me.

They certainly were right on when they said the biggest part of this journey is from the neck up. I had no idea how many issues I had lurking about in my head until I could no longer suppress them with food. I'm still seeing my shrink, but only about once a month now; trying to learn to manage this stuff more on my own. It's working,  little by little. I mean, really, these issues didn't just show up one day; they built up over years and years.

On the upside - Getting ready to do the Disney Cruise in a couple of weeks! Can't wait!!! My band is at a good level; enough to be the reality check I need, but loose enough that I can still enjoy a treat. So far, we've scheduled a hike, snorkeling and the sting ray encounter once we get to the Bahamas. I went on a cruise once about 8 years (and nearly 80 pounds) ago. Hoping this time will be much more focused on activity than chowing down! Will definitely be posting photos when I get back in mid-July!

I responded to a post last night regarding weighing less than football players. I hadn't even thought of this until I saw that on the message board, but wow, What a revelation!!! For the first Super Bowl in what has to be over 10 years, I can now say that I weigh less than any given player on the offensive line! I don't know how many people actually notice those things (I know it didn't dawn on me until last night), but it's very cool to think that I could be tossed about like a rag doll on that football field instead of being one of the dump truck -sized linebackers!

As for my Super Bowl "feast," I got a fill last Monday, so I'm still doing the liquid thing. I did make some fantastic broccoli and cheese soup (with lowfat Velveeta) which I enjoyed greatly and plan to enjoy again for lunch today. Gotta love those crock pot friendly meals. For my treat, I also made some guacamole that I shared with my grandmother so I wouldn't eat the whole bowl. It was kind of strange eating that with a spoon, but since I can't eat chips or pretzels yet, I really had no other option. Forgot how good that stuff tasted! When I ate it "straight up," I found I couldn't eat as much of it. So the little 1/2 cup that I have left will still probably last me the rest of the week. That's what this is all about, moderation, not total deprivation!

I'm a little annoyed that I can't seem to get the flippin scale to move though. I've been hovering between 180 and 183 since Christmas now. I've been steadily at 180 now though since the fill, but I really just want to break through that 80s barrier! I've started running longer now, 60 minutes is the new norm for me now, up from 45. My calories are still waaay low b/c of the restrictive nature of my post-fill dieting, but dammit, I'm just having a hard time being patient these days.  I know something is going because my pants are starting to fit looser (I'm about to graduate into 10s!!!).

As 2009 begins, let's look back at what an amazing year 2008 was. This time last year I was just at the beginning stages of what has been one of the most incredible journeys of my life. I remember making that fateful phone call to Dr. Nusbaum's office during the first week in January and scheduling my first consultation on Martin Luther King Day 2008. During the next few weeks, the whirlwind began! PCP visits, approval forms to organize with the Amazing Wanda's help, pscyh consults, nutritionist records, all the prior failed weight loss documentation. Then came March 18, the day after St. Patrick's Day. The luck of the Irish and some of my own home-made luck sparked 9 months of amazing weight loss the likes of which I have never known before!

I also bought a house with my husband. Then I started working on getting to the root of my eating problems. That's still a work in progress, slow progress at that. But, these issues didn't show up over night or even over a couple of weeks. They took years to develop into the demons they've become and so they aren't necessarily going to go away instantaneously either. It's not always been pleasant, but it's certainly insightful having a neutral 3rd party help me fix myself , which i feel is necessary to move forward.

I met my New Year's goal of 179 a couple weeks ago right after my 12/8 fill, but the holidays came with their alluring temptations and I bounced back up to 183. 4 pounds over Christmas in a couple of weeks. I'm not thrilled about it, but a far cry from the holiday weight gains of years past.

Right now I'm trying to figure out whether or not I want to get another fill. When I eat quality stuff, solid proteins, veggies and fruits, I find I have some mild restriction. That might be enough once I get all the crap out of my house and get back on the wagon. Trouble is, all the wrong foods seem to slide down so easily and I know if I get a fill, I won't be able to eat those. But, I won't be able to eat the solid proteins that I'm supposed be having either. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I think what I might do is do a "pretend" fill diet; do clear liquids (narsty Isopure for 3 days), regular liquids for a couple days and then ease the solids back in. I can function on that when I have my fills, so there's no reason I shouldn't be able to do likewise when I'm not super restricted. Those days of liquid fast really seem to kick start my weight loss, so I think I might give that a whirl starting on Monday. 

In 2009, I want to finish the job -- meet the goal of 100 pounds lost. And it's totally do-able since it's only about 30 pounds away. After that, who knows. I might go even further if I feel I can and if it seems like something I should do.

When I scheduled a fill! Lots of people thought I was crazy since that means strict dietary limitations for a couple of weeks during a festive food time of the year. After my unfill, once the nauseous anxiety feeling subsided, I found I was able to eat again, almost like my band wasn't even there. That was more than a mixed blessing. I enjoyed Thanksgiving, but for whatever reason, that holiday is relatively easily contained to one day. Christmas, on the other hand, seems to last the ENTIRE month of December. During my unfill, I didn't lose anything, but didn't gain either; an important lesson for later on when I want to maintain. However, this newfound freedom of eating kind of scared me and I knew I needed to do some pre-emptive damage control, hence the fill back on 12/8.

I'm now able to eat solids again, and although I don't feel super restricted, I find that my band has become a major dose of reality check. I managed to get through baking 8 different kind of cookies, bread, and two Christmas parties without a major binging meltdown. I ate more than I thought I would, but certainly not like in days of old. Finding that area of moderation is still rather elusive, but I think I'm finally starting to get  the hang of it.

Some important lessons learned during this holiday season regarding Peace on Earth in my lifetime:

1. Behold the power of NO. As in politely declining fattening, sugary treats unless they are specifically part of a party (not eating goodies sent in to our office by clients during the weeks before Christmas). Also as in politely declining invitations to gatherings  when I know I'll already be exhausted, like a party on a Friday night after I've worked all day and then rehearsed Christmas carols with the children's choir. Not easy, but an important skill I'm still perfecting.

2. Taking back control of my life. Okay, so this is one I'm more or less earmarking for next Christmas. I mean the baked goods here. There is really no good reason that I need to spend the equivilent of 3 entire days mixing and baking cookies that will likely not be eaten in their entirety. Seriously, I was so unmotivated to bake this year, but because other people enjoy some of these, I felt the need to suck it up and bake them anyway; why should they suffer because of my issues. Well, dammit, I'm tired of first thinking about what everyone else expects of me. What about what I want? What's important to me and my life, my health? Next year, the cookie baking is going to be drastically scaled back. I'm thinking 3, possibly 4 kinds of cookies and THAT'S IT. If anyone wants anything else, pick up a mixer and start making them yourself. I'm not the only person in the world who knows how to bake, nor should I be expected to be.

3. The therapeutic value of exercise. There is really a noticeable difference in how I feel on days when I work out versus days that I skip. Are there really that many other "important" things to do that I cannot schedule 30 minutes of activity that is just for me? I think not. In fact, I don't have time NOT to work out if I want to get ahead of the weight loss game in January and even work out that nasty Seasonal affective Disorder that rears its ugly head this time of year.

4. Don't take things personally. Again, another one that is really a continual work in progress. Dr. Miller and I speak about this one a LOT. There are a lot of people out there who are just so miserable and, as they say, "misery loves company." They key is to not be sucked into the vortex of their toxic ways by knowing when to back off. My problem is that I try to fix everything. So much of trying to constantly be a people pleaser goes hand in hand with taking other people's crap personally. I'm learning though. For example, yesterday at our Christmas party, nobody cut into my bread. I felt a little hurt because I had busted my ass on it for hours and everyone in my family had always raved about it in the past. I really had expected to have rave reviews again, so imagine my disappointment when it didn't happen. Could it be that something I touched didn't turn to gold? How awful! But, when I stepped back and viewed the situation more objectively, I noticed that there was a RIDICULOUS amount of food at this party (one conference room alone devoted to desserts). There were many other desserts besides mine that had not yet been sampled. Actually, it turned out to be a good thing because now I can "recycle" that bread for Christmas... no need to bake another one tomorrow and create even more stress.

I went to a yoga class last night and the instructor was talking about finding the perfect gift. She suggested that perhaps the "perfect" gift isn't among those that we spend countless hours seeking out in the stores on online, but a valuable gift of time for ourselves.

As I re-read what I've written here, it's tough for me to hush the inner voice that criticizes the content of my writing as selfish. You know what, who cares if it is selfish? Perhaps the problem is that for so long I haven't taken enough time for myself to care  for myself and nuture myself. What good are we to others when we ourselves are in need of attention? In a time when so many demands are expected from us, maybe what we need to remember is that timeless advice that we get from the airlines in their pre-take-off safety presentation: Put your own oxygen mask on first and THEN assist those around you. Airlines take a lot of flack (much of it rightfully deserved), but they certainly hit the nail on the head with that one.

Merry Christmas everyone!

So in the spirit of Thanksgiving and reviewing 2008, I've got TONS of things for which to be grateful, my band ranking up there at #1. Because of it, life is much more enjoyable in so many ways. A warm place to live and sleep that we can call our own comes in at #2. The timing of our house purchase could not have worked out more auspiciously and every day I'm feeling more at home here. I'm even thankful for the seemingly insurmountable challenges that accompany a huge weight loss. They really are "welcomed problems" and certainly better than the alternative problems with which I could be contending.Close family and friends and  living here in the United States round out my list of gratefulness.

Now on to how I handled Thanksgiving:

Activity: We went to the Macy's parade this morning, hoofed it for a good 10 blocks from the Port authority bus terminal to Macy's down on 34th St., and then stood outside in the COLD for nearly 4 hours, something I NEVER would have done with almost 70 more pounds along for the ride. We saw the Snoopy and Smurf balloons, along with the Turkey float, the NYPD band who just rocked, and even James Taylor and Miley Cyrus. What a fun, and mostly enjoyable experience!

As for dinner, we hosted at our place and I prepared a number of the sides, so I knew exactly what went into them; all about controlling my environment. I took a smaller salad plate and used it as a dinner plate, and ate maybe 1/3 of what I would have eaten before. Tried a little of all the things I liked: turkey, mashed potatoes (made w/ Smart Balance and FF half and half), green bean casserole (with low fat mushroom soup) and even a sliver of pumpkin pie (hey, gotta get your beta carotene!). But the difference this year was only a couple of bites of each. 

I didn't panic and freak out like I feared.  Think I might be finally turning a corner with these mind games rolling around in my head. It's all good, all is right with the world, I don't feel sick, I don't feel deprived. Who could ask for anything more?

Last weekend I made a trip to my favorite outlets in PA and can happily say that I'm now a solid size 12 in a number of different stores. Not squeezing into them either, they're actually fitting comfortably! Yay!!! Also, I was able to pick out some tops that were size MEDIUM, something I've never done before! It's still tough to think in terms of M and size 12 when for so long I was XL, sometimes XXL and 18/20, but I'm getting there. I'm a work in progress.

Bra shopping was surprisingly disappointing though. I've shrunk girth-wise, but my boobs are pretty deflated and the extra skin is what makes it tough to find bras that fit. What a trauma-rama that turned out to be. Looks like I should start saving $$ for plastic surgery to get those fixed.

  Halloween was fun this year - I dressed up like Sarah Palin because some guy told me I kind of looked like her. Wasn't really sure if I should be flattered or offended. But, in the spirit of good fun, I went along with it and it was a HIT!!! Check out the photos!

Halloween can only mean one thing -- the holidays are lurking out there on the horizon.  I'm not too sure how I feel about that. I've been unfilled because of some issues I was having a couple weeks ago with not being able to eat solid protein. I'm seriously less restricted than I was and probably should be, but I'm able to keep my eating under control since it's such a habit for me now. I'm going to just take another week "off" and see where it takes me.  Anyway, back to the holidays. The thought of formal dinners where plates are loaded up with food just makes me nauseous. More issues to work out.

Speaking of working things out - I splurged on a massage the other day. What a great investment of time and money that was!!!   One of my coworkers actually had suggested it since I hadn't been sleeping well lately (another anxiety symptom - agh!). It certainly did the trick though. I slept like a rock that evening and I've been sleeping better since.  Still waking up in the middle of the night, but going right back to sleep within 20 minutes. My insurance actually gives a discount on them, so that helps too. It's nice to see that insurance companies generally are starting to realize that things like massage are helpful to people in more ways than just a pampering day out. Can't wait to go again!!!

I'm now down 65 pounds, same number as the speed limit here in NJ on the highways!!! Today I bought size 12 pants and size Medium shirts. Whoa. New and uncharted territory for me for certain. I've never been this thin EVER! Very cool and very exciting, but at the same time, kind of creepy. Here's why...

So the last 6 weeks have been pretty intense with all of the house preparations, packing up to move, dealing with family issues and the like. During this time, i've developed something so wierd, so out of character for me that I can only describe it as what being in the Twilight Zone must be like. I have totally lost my desire to eat, period. I know that I HAVE to eat to sustain myself, the whole "You can't run a car without gas in it," logic. But the very thought of eating anything turns my stomach and makes me totally nauseous. I've basically been living on protein shakes, gatorade, yogurt and the occasional banana or pear. Oh, and soup, too. This week I averaged about 800 calories per day, nowhere near my target of 1200. In my former life, I would have NEVER thought I would be experiencing anything like this since I used to eat everything, all the time.

Good news is that there is nothing wrong with my band, not cockeyed or slipped or anything mechanical at all. The fill level is fine too since I had been eating solid food successfully for a couple of weeks after my last fill on 8/4. Since there is nothing physically "wrong" with me, it was suggested that I might have a touch of an anxiety disorder that could be causing the tension, nausea, exhaustion, and yes, irritability that my husband has kindly noticed in me of for the past couple of months.

Soooooo, after making it crystal clear that I do NOT want to take any kind of anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds, I agreed to go have this thing sorted out with a psychologist. I met him on Thursday and he seems like a decent enough guy. Yup. He confirmed that what I've been experiencing sounds exactly like something they call GAD, generalized anxiety disorder, which apparently affects loads of people. Well, that makes me feel a little better; there are either loads of other crazies out there just like me, or there are loads of other perfectly normal people out there who are bothered by the same thing that bothers me. I like the second characterization better. Anyway, he didn't seem to think I would need to be medicated (thank the lord!). He said that I'm really the same person inside, just in a thinner skin, so this whole anxiety thing could have been lurking about for ages. That's lovely. For now, we'll just meet every week and get to the bottom of it.

I think this is a new epiphany in the ever continuing saga of my weight loss journey. Losing a huge amount of weight is becoming a more difficult transition in my mind now than physical hunger. Doesn't seem like it should be since there are soooo many positive things that are better about my life now than before, but at the same time, it is a struggle every day.

So throughout this journey of mine I kept hearing about this elusive place called ONEderland, the promised land that one finds when dropping below 200 pounds. Yeah, right. I figured I might get there by Christmas this year, but once again, I'm pleased to be proven wrong at how quickly the weight has been dropping!!  I've actually been below 200 now for a good week, just too busy to add to this blog before now.

I did get my "below 200 pounds" haircut. Having some issues uploading right now, but photos with be forthcoming. My hairdresser actually talked me out of a major chop - my hair had thinned so much, as is often the case with us bandsters, that to go any shorter than I did would have been even more obvious. Yikes. Oh well. I love my new "do" and once the photo thing is working, I'll share.

I don't necessarily "feel" any different than I did 2 weeks ago when I was 201, but I think Onederland is more of a psychological barrier, kind of like the way stores sell things for $1.98 instead of $2.00. It really sounds like a lot less, even though the difference is only 2 cents. Once more, the power of mind over matter, but hey, I'm thrilled that it's only August 20 (a little more than 5 months post-op) and I'm THERE!!! For the first time in over 6 years, I weigh less than 200 pounds.

Things I can now do:

1. Work harder and longer on our new house. There's NO way I would have been able to remove as much wallpaper from our new bedroom as I would have at my old weight. No way would I have been able to drag heavy, bulky (smelly) carpet up the stairs from the basement, around the front yard and to the curb for the garbage men. Yesterday, hubby actually asked me if I was ready to go home - he wore out before I did!

2. Buy new bras once again. Crass as it may sound, I can't believe how much my boobs have shrunk! I'm left with less "volume," but some hanging skin (plastic surgery??? never say never). Hoping to hit the outlets in PA this fall and pick up some new digs for the girls. Took measurements the other day and think I can get into a 34D - a far cry from the 38DDD's I wore before! I hope I can find some cute ones, not just the white, black and skin tone ones I've been limited to thus far.

3. New fall wardrobe. It's a great feeling to shop in my closet and get frustrated because I can't find anything that really fits good - because everything's TOO BIG!!! I started off as a tight 18, bought some 16s and had some 14s left from 6 years ago. But, I'm now down to about 3 pairs of pants that fit really well. Time for some retail therapy --- in the REGULAR section!!!

4. Run. Yup. Before, my credo was "I run only when chased." I haven't run much in the last week, again due to house reno work, but I'm now able to run for a little over 2 minutes without stopping. That's a feat that would have been unheard of, even just a month or so ago. I really do believe in that whole theory of "runner's high," because it really does make me feel better, and oddly enough, more energetic. If the calculation of 1lb lost = 4lbs of pressure off your knees is accurate, 57 pounds gone means a whopping 228 pounds less pressure on my knees when I run! WOW! Tossing around the idea of doing the Thanksgiving day Turkey Trot when we go to visit relatives in central Ohio this November.

I've not worked as hard lately as I have previously simply because I've just got so much going on with this move that we're trying to make a reality in the next 4 weeks, but I'm doing the best I can right now. Overall though, I'm handling this stressful situation much better than I would have in the past. I've told people numerous times how thrilled I am with my decision to have this surgery and I'll say it again - it's the BEST 30th birthday gift to myself. Ever. 

I saw someone started a thread on the Lap band board detailing specific goals and thought it was a neat idea. I hadn't really thought about it too much before and crazy as it sounds, I'm closing in on the half-way mark to my goal, so I guess I better hop to it:

These already happened:
30 pounds gone - new jeans and new bras (that really are almost in need of replacement already!)

40 - new Nike swimsuit for actually swimming laps and other such water workouts.

Here are some new ones:
50 (possibly ONEderland)- Disney World! Actually, had this trip planned since last fall, but if I play my cards right, should be hitting 50 by then, maybe even hitting ONEderland.

Below 200 - Spa day with massage and new haircut.

70 - New fall clothes, possibly some of those sexy boots??

80 - Don't know when I'll hit this one - maybe new Spring outfit?

100 - Disney Cruise next summer.

This week I had fill #2 and all I have to say is "Holy Restriction, Batman!" I was stuck at 36 pounds lost for about 2 weeks, and now that I've finished 3 days of Isopure (thank the Lord that's done!), I'm kick started again! Went to the nutrition doc this afternoon and dropped 7 pounds since last week for a grand total of 42 pounds gone!!! Exercise goal of 1500 minutes for June is going well - tonight I hit the 500 mark, 1/3 of the way there. Next Wednesday (June 18) will mark 3 months since surgery for me and now I'm eyeing another big goal - 50 pounds by July 15. Then I'll be able to answer people who ask, "You've lost 50 pounds, what are you going to do next -- I'm going to Disney World!!!"  I better get my butt moving to get those 8 pounds off in a little under 5 weeks...