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...today, around this time...I was starving, taking an emend anti-vomiting pill, and readying myself for surgery. I was amazingly calm and cavalier about it, and looking forward to the "relief" from the agony of insatiable hunger that a 10 day Pre-op liquid diet had left me. I was packing my bag; ipod? Check. Slippers? Check. I was taking a shower, and dressing into my XXL sweat pant capris and an XXL t-shirt from Torrid. I was completely, and unquestioningly READY to fix my broken life. 

One year ago today a miracle happened. The shackles of my former life were broken, and I was made free. I was given a new lease. I was given hope. I was given an invaluable gift, that I will not soon take for granted. One year ago, today, I was granted clemency from a certain and pre-mature death. I was picked out the droves of obese people and deemed "saveable" and offered a chance. I'm so glad I grabbed it with both hands. I'm so glad I didn't give up and fought the good fight. I'm so glad I embarked on this journey. I'm so grateful and thankful for it all.

Inventory:

May 27, 2008

Height: 5'8  Weight: (after pre-op liquid diet and a lot of exercise) 270 lbs. BMI: 41 Morbidly Obese

*Insomnia
*Hypertension
*Insulin Resistance
*Chronic Obstructive Sleep Apnea
*Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome/ Infertility
*Chronic Back/Ankle/Joint pain
*Rashes
*Hated Shopping, Could never find clothes that fit.
*Hated eating out, Could never find a booth/chair that fit. Hated stares.
*Hated going to the movies, chairs uncomfortable
*Hated feeling self conscious during intimacy
*Hated the feeling that she'd be denied a ride on rides at amusement parks. Struggled with seat belts and harnesses.
*Hated riding in the back of cars or on benches where people would struggle to "make room" for me.
*Was never asked out or checked out (I know I'm married, but ain't it nice to be asked?)
*Couldn't perform any physically exerting tasks without extreme difficulty.
*Couldn't run after my son. Play. Or other such fun and jubilant activities.

May 27, 2009

Height: Still 5'8  Weight:153 lbs BMI: 23 NORMAL weight (God that feels good)

*Insomnia- GONE
*Hypertension- GONE
*Insulin Resistance- GONE
*Chronic Obstructive Sleep Apnea- GONE
*Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome/ Infertility ??? (Not sure. Not trying to have babies)
*Chronic Back/Ankle/Joint pain- Mostly GONE
*Rashes- mostly GONE
*LOVE Shopping, ALWAYS find clothes that fit (Except at Lane Bryant and Torrid :) ).
*LOVE eating out (making healthy choices), CAN always find a booth/chair that fit. LOVE the stares ;) .
*LOVE going to the movies, chairs are very comfortable
*LOVE feeling self ASSURED during intimacy
*LOVE the feeling of the wind in my hair on rides at amusement parks. Struggle with seat belts and harnesses because they're too big.
*LOVE riding in the back of cars or on benches where people laugh at having to "make room" for me because I'm "small".
*AM always asked out or checked out (I know I'm married, but ain't it nice to be asked?)
*CAN perform any physically exerting tasks without extreme difficulty.
*CAN run after my son. Play. Or other such fun and jubilant activities.

In one fell swoop, my life changed forever. Everything I couldn't do/enjoy before, I do now with such zeal that the only regret I have is that I couldn't do it sooner. I regret having spent so much of my life in the shadows, bound an imprisoned, completely oblivious to a world I was missing out on.

One year ago today, I promised myself that I'd never allow this to happen to me again. And a year later, I am still, determined as ever, set on keeping this promise.

Sittin' on The Losers Bench!

Today I weighed myself and imagine my shock when the scale read 159.5. This is surreal. When my surgeon first told me that because I was 5'8 I should weigh 160 lbs, my initial reaction was "Are you kidding?!" In my mind there was no possible way, surgery be damned that I could ever weigh that much...or little, however you want to look at it. It was like he placed a can of aquanet, some chewing gum, and tube of lipstick in my hands and said, "build me a time machine!". It was NOT possible. I weighed 289 lbs! How could he think I could do this? 

Obviously he had more faith in me at that moment, than I did in myself. I think if anything I've learned from this is that there is absolutely NOTHING I can't do. I feel so free. For years I didn't even realize what a prison I'd been in. Chained and bounded to this life that was not meant for me by my weight. I feel so liberated, free, and happy. I feel like for once the true "Angel" can be herself without fear of reprisals in the form of jabs and insults at my body. I can speak my mind, I can order in a restaurant, I can walk into any clothing store, I can buy a bathing suit, I can sit anywhere I want, I can go to the movies, I can ride roller coasters. I CAN DO ANYTHING. What people take for granted day in and day out, was just a day dream to me before. All I've ever wanted, was to be normal. Today, that wish in all it's entirety, has finally come true.

Thank you. Thank you God. Thank you Dr. Bobby and staff. Thank you Marsha Yousef and Support group family. Thank you OH family. Thank you crappy insurance company that FINALLY gave me this shot at a new life. Thank you husband. Thank you Mom and Dad. Thank you little brother. Thank you WHOLE family. Thank you friends. Thank you co-workers. You all believed in me, when I couldn't. You all picked me up, when I couldn't. You all loved me, when I couldn't.

Bless You All <3

are falling off of me now. OMG. I'm inching towards a 10. This is surreal. You'd think that there would be not one thing bad about this milestone. But there is. Well...maybe not BAD, but kind of sad really. You see...once I can't wear a size 12 anymore, that means I can't shop at Torrid or Lane Bryant anymore. I know it may sound crazy, but perhaps some of you can relate. I can't help feel but a painful pang at saying good bye to these places. When these stores finally came about it was like a godsend. There was finally a place I could shop for cute clothes, made explicitly for people like me. Living in a world where every store says "We don't carry your size, because people like you are already ugly. Why would you even TRY to look good?" was a very sad thing. To finally find a store where I FIT? Was a revelation for me. These are places where I feel comfortable shopping, going into fitting rooms, and just browsing. To now have to let that go and say goodbye is really hard for me. It's like getting on the school bus for the first time and waving good bye to your mother. It's scary and unfamiliar.

Now I go into places like Forever 21, Wet Seal, Charlotte Russe, and WIndsor and I feel like the fat girl there. I maybe a size medium, but it isn't necessarily a "happy" medium (if you'll pardon the pun). I am so thankful, and generally....elated at my results and how good I look and feel, but they weren't kidding when they said "you trade in one set of problems for a whole NEW set." I guess my point is...not all that glitters is gold. Everywhere I go people are complimenting on my success and marveling and saying "You must feel so good!" But I liked myself before too. It almost makes me feel like saying "so before, when I was fat, I was a monster unworthy of love?". I know they don't mean it that way but I still can't help but feel that. It's difficult. 

So taking stock today. Last year during this time, I was 288 lbs and a size 22/24. Today I'm 176 and a size 11-12. Wow. Yay me. I just hope I can come to grips with all this attention and change. I know once the novelty wears off and people stop gawking and screaming when they see me, once everyone I know has seen the new me, and accepts it as the permanent me...maybe then it'll be easier. And eventually maybe I'll get used to the idea of only shopping at Lane Bryant and Torrid now, the way I used shop at Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, WIndsor, and Wet Seal- For the accessories :)

I've lost 100 lbs! Whoo hooooo! I never thought I'd be able to:

-Walk on a treadmill and do a mile and a half in 30 minutes without collapsing in exhaustion

-Wear a pair of Large/Medium scrubs.

-Buy clothes off the rack in ANY store

-Put on a pair of size 16 jeans

-Wear anything with the word "Junior" in it.

-Out run my 7 year old son at the park

-Get on rides at amusment parks without fear of embarrassing weight related issues. Like seat belts and weight restrictions.

-Fit COMFORTABLY in a restaurant booth

-Reconnect with old friends and see their jaws drop when they see me. In a GOOD way.

-Get hit on in grocery stores, department stores, movie theaters, gas stations...everywhere! (My husband's not too thrilled about that one LOL)

-Go to rock concerts and feel just as pretty as the other girls there.

-Feel like a NORMAL person for the first time in my life :)

I feel so blessed. I am so happy to have been given this second chance at life at such a young age. I feel like I can do absolutely anything. It feels wonderful.

On Saturday 9/27/08 I will be walking in the Walk From Obesity Walkathon at The Wellness Park in Palm Springs. To date I've lost a total of 73 lbs! I feel fatastic and am extremely excited about this opportunity to give to a cause that once plagued my life.

Obesity affects 65% of all Americans they say. Well I say it affects 100% of us. Because those of us who are not obese, either know someone or are related to someone who is.

It infuriates me that people in general will discredit obesity as a real disease and say "Oh..fat people are just lazy. They just need to get on a bicycle and stop eating" and yet someone with bulimia or anorexia is looked upon as a stricken victim of a serious life threatening disorder. This double standard of weight related health needs to stop and more needs to be done to save our obese children. Donating to this cause will raise money and awareness to a crippling and debilitating affliction that has affected us all.

If you are in the area and would like to walk, you can register here:
http://walkfromobesity.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=281472&lis=0&kntae281472=2AA190B57C44427F98326B1F2C4C3B51


If you would like to sponsor me as a walker (pretty please *bats eyelashes*) you can do so via credit card here:

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=281472&lis=0&kntae281472=2AA190B57C44427F98326B1F2C4C3B51&supId=231368925

I'm $25 from my goal so dig in your pockets and lets help some people!!

I'm down to 250 lbs today. That's a total of 39lbs loss from the beginning of the year. My clothes are hanging and falling off me, people are telling me how good i look, and the scale is moving steadily but not as fast as I'd like it to, and yet..............i feel exactly the same. I look in the mirror and see the same person. My self image has never really been affected by my weight. Though I  never really "liked" being fat, I never saw myself with decreased self worth as the weight crept on throughout my life. I always loved me. It's just strange I guess. I am obviously changing. The proof is everwhere. But for the life of me,..I just don't see it!

Wow, I can't believe it's only been a week since my Surgery on 5/27/08! So many changes and struggles overcame in such a short time! My surgery went "perfectly" as my doctor stated, and although I had some pretty bad nausea and pain the whole of my hospital stay, things progressively got better and better after I came home. 

I had my one week check up with Dr. Bobby yesterday and he says I can progress to stage 5 Puree diet on Monday. Egg Salad never sounded so good! I am so looking forward to eating food again! But in a healthy way that is conducive to my weight loss of course. 

I took stock this morning. Looking back on Jan. 1 this year, I weighed 289 lbs. and today I weigh 261. I've lost 27 pounds in six months. That's the biggest weight loss success I've ever had. I'm wearing scrubs to work that used to be too tight. People are begining to notice my gradual "melting" saying that my face looks thinner, and whatnot. It's nice to have the outside environment and peers validate my decision to change my life. 

It's doubly better to be part of such a strong support system. The Bariatric Program at Desert Regional Medical Center and their support group have been invaluable. It's nice to mingle with these people who know my story because it's their own as well. And I'd be nowhere were it not for the unwaivering support of my family. My husband especially. I feel very blessed. Even now as I drink another gross protein shake. Because for the first time in my life, I feel like I have control over everything in it. I had control over many things before, but my weight was never one of them. 

I'm on my treadmill everyday and everyday I do my 30 minutes a little faster. Yesterday I walked a 1/2 mile in 30 minutes which is a first. And the best part is that I wasn't winded and my muscles felt fatigued but not in pain. I'm starting to ponder the possibilty of some kind of physical recreational hobby. Like Kickboxing or Polynesian Dancing. At this point anything goes. 

For the first time in my life I feel that the doors to the whole wide world are opening up to me, because it won't be long before my weight will not be an issue or a road block. Soon I'll be able to do absolutely anything I want. And although I'm not there quite yet. The anticipation is that of a child's on Christmas Eve night. Just the idea of what tomorrow may bring is exhilarating. Look out world.

...and I'm going mental. I'm so sick of these disgusting soups and barely tollerable drinks. I wanna gag when I look at them. People say this is the hardest part of the whole process. They're right. I'm seriously looking forward to the relief surgery will bring.

I'm so effing hungry I could cry. I'd seriously kill for a Double Double from In-n-Out right now. 

7 Days to go. Hope I don't go postal and hold up a Hometown Buffet in the meantime.

I feel like I'm storming the beaches of Normandy at this point. I went and saw Dr. Bobby today for my Pre-Op appointment. When I got there, there were three other gals there, and two of them (Stacy and Dawn) will be having their surgeries the same day as I. They're great gals and I'm glad to know who my neighbors will be :)

First we did a quiz (I got 19/20 woohoo!), then we weighed in. At this time my weight is 280 lbs. We visited with a personal trainer who was very nice and seemed very much in tune to the needs of people like me. Then we were given our 10 day Optifast Pre-Op liquid diet and all of our prescriptions. 

Right now everything seems so...FINAL. Like...for the first time I KNOW that this is really happening. Until now it all felt like dress rehearsal for a show that could get cancelled at any time. With the insurance battles getting me down at times, almost to the point of quitting, everything was so uncertain for over a year. But now? Prescriptions in hand,  two bags full of the most expensive groceries I'VE ever bought, and a set date...this is really happening.

My new Birthday will be 5/27/2008.