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Wow, the end of another year...2014 here we come....Life is so good...I am so, so happy.  I am living the dream and what more could a person want.  Hmmm...well, I did have some issues with weight gain...It seems that this is quite common among those that have been post-op for quite some time, but knowing I have a TOOL (and no, not talking about my partner, lol), I decided I needed to find some kind of solution so that I did not find myself in the same place I was pre-surgery.  I have found the answer...and things are moving, of course, slowly (as always) for me...but they are moving in the right direction.  I don't have too much further to go...another 15 lbs and I will probably be happy...but inch loss far out weighs the pounds lost...and honestly, who cares what the scales say...it is all about how my clothes fit that I am concerned about.  I am back into a size 8, but would really like to get to a size 4...even if it is just for a minute...It would feel freakin' awesome to get myself there.  The nutritional plan I am following, is the best one I have ever found...super easy to follow as well...and I have decided to offer these products to others who may be having a difficult time with losing, or with maintaining...just contact me, either through here, or via [email protected] and I can help you achieve your dreams.  The thing is, we all believe that just having our surgeries, that we will never struggle again...nothing could be further from the truth...We must work at it always...There is no easy out...once a fatty, always a fatty...But knowing we have a great tool makes everything a whole lot easier.  Can't believe I am coming up to 6 years out.  It truly was the best decision I ever made for myself...No matter what anyone else thinks...this was the right choice for me.  I am still healthy as a horse and take no medications anymore.  I still keep in contact with a lot of the girls that had surgery around the same time as me, on facebook...look me up if you like.  Enjoy your evening....Happy, Happy, Happy New Year!!!

 ....so, I am at work yesterday and get a text from Denis, the love of my life, and he tells me he is reading all my stuff on the internet.  I did not realize it would be so easy to find, lol.  I have nothing to hide, but it still made me a little uncomfortable because...well, geez...here is where I write my life.
Anyhow...Denis was mentioned in the last post...way back when we had first started dating...We are now living together, and I am living a wonderful life.  It will be a year we have been living together at the end of October, He is a great guy, and no, I am not writing this for "your" benefit Deni!  He makes me laugh almost everyday, because he is a very funny guy. He is caring, considerate, and respectful...more than anybody I have ever loved...so yes, he is the love of my life.
The kids are doing well.  Kyle now has a girlfriend that he is living with.  Cali is working, and we are working on our relationship.  He turned 26 a few days ago.  My granddaughter is 4 now.  Mom got a computer and is now learning how to navigate the world of the internet.  Ray is suppose to be paying for the divorce, but I am still waiting on this...hope I don't have to wait too much longer...I would like to put that behind me.
Weight is up...way up...I am not happy about this, but I honestly suck at dieting.. I have changed my position at work so I hope I can and will get more exersize so it will sllllloooowwwwllllllllyyyyy come back down.  I need to lose about 25 lbs just to feel comfortable, but I would like to lose 30...however I know that is asking for a lot since I am lucky to lose 4 lbs a month with serious dieting...it sucks to be insulin resistant.  It is really hard when you live with someone who has never had a weight problem...there are a lot of unhealthy foods in this house.  I must take responsibility for my own eating, so I can't blame it on anything but me.  I was working in a position that I hated at work, and took most of the summer off of work, and did nothing.  Now I have a couple different clients so I am trying to get out for walks daily...and that is 2 walks a day, as I have one client in the morning, the other in afternoon.  The problem there is that they move so slowly, it is more like a strole than a walk, but at least it is movement...where as my last position I pretty much sat on my ass for 8 hours a day. It also doesn't help that I am menopausal...the waist line just grows...shape changes....and I can see this in the mirror...I have no waist...not just because of the weight gain, but because my body shape has changed...it happened to my mother too...I guess it is just a part of aging.  Lots of hot flashes happening...but so far, very few nightsweats.

Wow, what I life I lead!  I again find myself in love with a wonderful man...I know it is all new, and I must take my time on getting to know him, but this is a thing I have always struggled with...slowing down...taking my time...not a strong point...seems when I know, I just know.  This however, has not served me so well in the past...so yep, slowin' er down...
We play house on weekends...but no major talks of moving in.  Our dogs like each other...and they like each of us...so this is a good thing.  He has no kids, and his wife died of liver cancer...He is used to long term relationships...which is another plus for him...or for me...however you want to look at it.  He isn't a big eater...another plus...works hard, has some assets, and has me in stitches most of the time.
On a sad note...Kyle moved back to BC, so both my children are there now..and I am here with no plans of moving back...Mom is still here, and I need to be here for her...as well as the new boyfriend, and the job that I absolutely love.  I do hope that I am going to get some time in the summer to visit the kids...and my grandbaby, cuz I miss them all so much.  and of course get a visit in with all my friends too!  Can't wait for them to meet Denis. 
He is teaching me some french.  He is originally from Quebec, so speaks fluent french and english...awesome to learn a language that I have always wanted to learn...
So, anyhow...I guess that is about all for now...Life is good, I am happy...I am grateful for my many blessings.

Last night I had my son, mother, Jenine and a couple of friends that helped me move over for dinner as a thank-you for all their hard work.  While here, my son called his dad as he usually does, because it is cheaper to call on my house phone, than it is for him on his cell.  So, his dad's roommate says that his dad hasn't been out of his room for 2 days and that when the roommate tried to wake him he was cold..the ambulance and police were on the way...and that Kyle should call back in 10 mins.  I knew the minute Kyle got off the phone and told me what was going on, that his dad was dead...they don't send the police with the ambulance unless there is a death in the home.  Sure enough about a half an hour later we got confirmation...My first husband had passed.  I have no idea how long he was dead, or why...they will be doing an autopsy to confirm.  I honestly hope it was not a suicide or drug overdose, which it could well be because Wayne was mentally unstable and did suffer drug addictions, although he had been clean for sometime as far as I was aware.  It seems so tragic, to be so young, and be gone...but his life was full of turmoil from child sexual abuse that he had suffered at the hands of his father...He just could never get passed it, and he didn't feel supported or believed by his family.  I take comfort in knowing that he can now rest in peace. 
It is my children that most concern me know...mostly my youngest son, who does show some of the signs of also having mental instabilities, tho, he has never been diagnosed.  He also uses alcohol and pot to cope with his life...and this scares the shit out of me.  We have not spoken in close to a year, because the last time we talked I told him he needed to take responsibility for his life, and get his shit together...He didn't like what I had to say, and told me I was dead to him...I'm really hoping he will reach out to me now...but chances are with his stubborn streak, he will not, but will find a way to blame me for this as well...or at the very least, wish it was me that was dead instead of his dad....God I hope he doesn't say that to his brother!!!!  I am doing my best to support Kyle right now, because for the moment Kyle lives in the same town and province as I do.  I am driving him to the Calgary airport tonight so he can catch a flight, and go help make arrangements.  He is in shock I am sure...Not really crying or freaking out...not even as much as me and this concerns me too...but I do realize that we all grieve in our own way.  I'm sure Kyle is just in shock and numb for the moment.  I wish I could go to the funeral to support my boys, but unfortunately, I cannot afford to fly there or take the time off of work..I did check the flight costs, but with just moving...my account is not in great shape, and I do need all that I have...Good lord, if I would have seen this coming, I could have put up with an extra month of living with Bill in the old house, but I didn't...and spent my savings to get here.
Wayne was a good guy dispite his trials...He was a great Dad...I am blessed to have had him father my children...Although he was never the man for me...He did an awesome job with them...and held it together pretty good until they were old enough to understand about mental illness.  He had a very warped sense of humour, something that my oldest inheirited, lol!  And thinking back...I have a few good memories of our time together...number one and two being my boys!!!  Not quite sure what the future holds for them now...but I will pray, pray hard that they find peace with this too!!!

Wow, it has been a long time since I updated.  Bill ended our relationship in November...so Christmas was difficult this year...I got drunk to get through it...but I did get through it.  I am currently in the midst of leaving the home we shared.  We moved into a beautiful new 5br bi-level..but a house is just a house...it isn't a home.  So, I am moving out on my own, with my new client next Sunday.  We are moving into a 2br main floor of a house...it isn't the greatest place, but I will make it nice with my decorating skills...the rent is affordable...until I get through with this bankruptcy it will have to surfice!
Hmm...well...going to see Dr Joya again in April...how cool is that!!!  One of my new guy friends...kinda boyfriend... is having the surgery and asked me to go with him...I am soooo there!!!  Almost a 3 year anniversary reunion...That just rocks!
My social life is pretty busy these days...the above mentioned man, is amazing...wonderful, kind, funny, hard worker...caring, considerate...and genuine...I care very much for him...He is however, just in the beginning stages of breaking off a relationship...so we have agreed to keep things cool until his ex can accept things as they are, (they work together,)....so me...well...I have been doing a lot of dating...usually really nice men...only met one real weird guy...there is something to be said about listening to your gut...I didn't with this one guy...and he talked to my boobs the whole conversation..and it was a quick one...couldn't wait to get out of that coffee shop, lol!  I have seen a couple of men, a couple of times, but it is the above mentioned man that I am developing feelings for...Funny, when we first met, I knew we would become fast friends, but I honestly never imagined I would feel "that" way about him...He is a big man...but I don't even see that now...I see his soul...not his shell...something I had wished people would have seen me for..I still wish for that, but unfortunately, it seems...people are much more attracted to the shell...and some never get past that...it is sad the way the human animal works!  He has tho...I am sure of it...which does kind of put a screw into my one year alone plan...but then I really wonder if God has that in his plan for me..He surely wouldn't hand these men to me for no reason...I simply hope that this reason is not for the soul purpose of getting him through, and educating him on, living with a sleeve.
My son Kyle had his sleeve done here...I am not very impressed with the doctor that did it....He used a 50 bougie..and I swear, size does so matter...Kyle is really struggling...I never have!!!  I mean I struggled to get the weight off...but I have had no issues in the form of regain or even wanting much in the way of cravings, or food issues...I really do honestly feel like I am living a "normal" persons life now...
Life is so different for me now...sure, I have struggles...still have some emotional crap that I have to deal with...but it is so much easier to see life in a positive way..and negativity is a rarity with me now...I am always looking for the lesson in every situation that I experience..this in turn, builds a stronger, more positive me...I am a happy person today...and happiness is not something to achieve, it is something to live...it is counting your blessings everyday...and I do...every day!!!

Well, the vacation was great...and now i am home, getting back into my routine.  Bill is back at work.  He left Monday...I haven't talked with him since he left London on Tuesday.  This is the first time that I haven't been in contact with him for more than a day, so I am not sure what is going on...but I suspect he has no internet...and can't call out on his international phone for some reason.  I do hope that he is able to contact me sometime today.
I had a visit from his neice yesterday...I think we could become fast friends...which is nice, considering the last woman that I tried to build a friendship with out here was a disaster...Thankgoodness I figured that out before we got close...but Allison is different...and I like her very much.  She has a great sense of humour...yet she is a real person...not fake, and doesn't appear to be a drama queen...I so do not want anymore drama at this age.  So, here is keeping my fingers crossed that we will become good friends...i could really use some female companionship sometimes.  i do still have my friends in BC...and JoJo and I talk all the time, but it isn't like we can just go hang out, when she lives so far away.
I took the day off work yesterday...I really need to get into see my doctor...I am feeling pretty ill again...something quite like what i went through last year in May.  I don't know if it is my gallbladder or whether it is a problem with my bowels...but something isn't right...and I hate feeling sick all the time...which I have been as of late.  Not quite nausea, but queezy...and then the bloating, and diarhea constantly....Could be just my IBS acting up I suppose, but it seems pretty severe....so I am making an appointment for a physical today...probably will take a month to get in for one of those tho...ugh!
Other than that, life is pretty fantastic.

Well, made it through my first week, working 40 hours...it's been a lot of years since I did that.  I don't enjoy working this much...but I know the paycheck is going to be worth it...and really, it isn't like I have anything better to do.  Maybe if Bill was home all the time, but he isn't...so I might as well be making extra money.  i know I will be able to add to my retirement plan once this bankruptcy is through...and whatever I put in, they match me, dollar for dollar...with no limits...so I am stupid not to do it.  Seems that these last 20 or so years is all about saving for retirement now...and if I want to be 6 months in Canada, and 6 months some place warm...then I had better work my ass off now to make sure I get it.
I'm tired...really, really tired...but of course I can't sleep past 6 am...WTH...the other night I fell asleep at 8;30...but was up by 5:30...so I didn't gain much there.  I am looking at the clock here now, almost 8:30...thinkin'...damn, its friday night, and I am ready for bed...When exactly did that happen...aren't we supposed to get excited about the weekend...partying, and dancing, and just having a grand ol' time...Frick...have I got one foot in the grave already?????  Ah well, hopefully, soon, my body will get used to these long days and I will be back to my normal energenic self.
I sure am missing my sweet heart.  You know, he is a gem, and he calls me twice a day...but this is the first time we have not been able to skype, due to a computer malfuntion on his end...so I haven't seen him...and he is so visually stimulating.
I know I can look at pictures of him...but it isn't the same.  Ah well, just one more week to go....this time next Friday, he will be hold me, and loving me...and sexing me!!!  Poor guy doesn't get much of a break when he is jet lagged...Well, lucky for me, he can keep up, LOL!
I'm on to reading "Ask and It Will Be Given".  Excellent reading, along a spiritual line.  i am waiting for messages from God, but it had to be borrowed from another library, so as soon as it comes in I will read that one too.  Also have 'laws of Attraction"...and this is all stuff that I truly believe in...I know it works, cuz I have worked it.  I haven't read the bible in a few days...not giving up on it...just needing a bit of a break from it...because I was reading, but not absorbing...so as soon as these other two books are done, I will get back to it.  I also got some DVD's from the library on spiritual stuff...gosh, I think they were due back today...Oh well...guess i will pay the late charge, cuz I am not going out again this evening.
Went and bought some groceries...thankfully with both Kyle and I sleeved, a little goes a long way...but it still cost me $125...sheesh...one would think we were eating steak and lobster everynight, but trust me...we are NOT!  I guess it is the sugar free things that cost so much...and that Danactive....now, it was on sale today...buy 2 and get them for $4.99 each...couldn't pass that up...that stuff works great for getting my bowels working the way they should.  must be the probiotics...don't know, don't  care...all I know is i like it...and it keeps things from pissing out...I have IBS incase you are wondering...and I rarely get constipated...but have diarhea a lot!
Kyle is doing amazing...i took some pics of him yesterday morning...the difference in him...from 6 weeks ago is amazing...Fricken men!!!!  They lose like there is no tomorrow.  My weight yesterday was 149...so I am upping the water, and cutting back on the carbs...I'm still below goal...but only by a pound and that is too close for comfort for me.  I would love to lose 5 lbs before I go away on vacation...but It would take me a month or more likely 2 to lose that...so just as long as I am down a pound or 2 I will be happy.
My youngest son is at me again...Gosh he knows how to push my buttons...hundreds of miles away...yet still he gets to me.  On facebook I posted yesterday...something about not using Can't as an excuse, and find reasons why you Can...so he posted, does this mean you are going to be moving closer to your granddaughter or is that a "can't'.  I posted back with the truth.  That is not a "can't", that is a NO, my life is here...i am loving my life right now.  So, he didn't respond to that...so perhaps he is pissed, or perhaps not...he hates it when I tell him no for anything...but as I told him in the last letter I wrote him...Time to grow up...quit blaming the world for your shit...if you don't like the life you are living, then change it.  I refuse to be the reason his life is messed up...he can think that all he wants I guess, but I am not going to feel guilty for it anymore.
All these little things...they show me...I am gaining ground...I am gaining self confidence...I am not appologizing to anyone for the life I lead...this is MY LIFE...and I will do what I damn well please.  I am becoming much more assertive...it is a wonderful, empowering feeling.

Yes, I am continuing to work on myself.  Working on this lazy streak of mine, and things are coming along.  I have taken on another position at work, that starts on Monday.  So I will be working a 40 hour work week.  Leave the house at 9:45, and not getting home until about 6:30.  It isn't going to be easy for me.  I have never been one that enjoys 40 hour work weeks...but I know it is for the betterment of myself, and my family and my financial situation.  I also had an interview with a potential new client moving into my home.  She is a sweet young lady...going to be attending college, and being away from home for the first time.  Her parents want to meet Bill before making a decision...and that is certainly understandable...I wouldn't have a daughter of mine, moving in without first meeting ALL the people she will be living with.  I do feel some apprehention with this tho...Bill does not look the part of an understanding, helpful, God loving man...He looks "intimidating".  At least that is what both of my boys said the first time they met him.  I am hoping that these people will not judge him on how he looks, but take some time to sit and chat with him, and see that he is kind, and honest, and wise.  Either way...it is in God's hands, not mine...so i am not going to fret about it too much.
I started reading the bible.  For some reason, this time around...It seems to be making some sense to me...All the times in the past that I have tried to read it...I wasn't understanding any of it.  I am still having some difficulties with trying to figure out of there is a hidden message...because they say, it is how you interpet it...but I am just reading it in its literal form and just trying to absorb it that way.  I didn't start at the beginning....but I don't think it really matters where you start...as long as you start.  I loved reading Proverbs...and know that I will spend a lot of time, going over and over that one.  The last verse really stuck with me.  Proverbs 31:10  If you can find a truly good wife, she is worth more than precious gems!  Her husband can trust her, and she will richly satisfy his needs.  She will not hinder him, but help him all her life.  She finds wool and flax and busily spins it.  She buys imported foods, brought by ship from distant ports.  She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household, and plans the day's work for her servant girls.  She goes out to inspect a field, and buys it; with her own hands she plants a vineyard.  She is energetic, a hard worker, and watches for bargains.  She works far into the night!
She sews for the poor and generously gives to the needy.  She has no fear of winter for her household, for she has made warm clothes for all of them. 
She also upholsters with finest tapestry; her own clothing is beautifully made-a purple gown of pure linen.  Her husband is well known, for he sits in the council chamber with the other civic leaders. 
She makes belted linen garments to sell to the merchants.
She is a woman of strength and dignity, and has no fear of old age.  When she speaks, her words are wise, and the kindness is the rule for everything she says.
She watches carefully all that goes on throughout her household, and is never lazy.  Her children stand and bless her; so does her husband.  he praises her with these words:  There are many fine women in the world, but you are the best of them all!
Charm can be deceptive and beauty doesn't last, but a woman who fears and reverences God shall be greatly praised. 
Praise her for the many fine things she does.  These good deeds of hers shall bring her honor and recognition from even the leaders of the nations.
Of course, in todays world, we don't do, or need to do all that is said here...and goodness help my family if I tried to sew for them.  But I can contribute much more than I do.  On the other hand, much of this is me.  I do think before I speak, and always try to speak with kindness.  I give to the needy when I can..and I am one of the best bargin hunters I know...So, working on my laziness is my biggest challenge right now
I have come to the realization that lists are my friends...and although I have yet to get good at making lists...at least it is in my thoughts.  And I do have a book to write them down.
Today my list consists of organizing my back door closet, getting my bedside hanger tidied up and starting on the laundry room, which is also my closet...Laundry is on one side, my closet on the other...yep, it is a pretty big room...so I expect that to take a while...but I know how good I will feel when it is done.  I wish I could afford to go buy some organizers, but I can't, so I will just have to manage with what I have.
I have also been reading, The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent.  This book is wonderful, and even explains exersizes on how to make it work.  At first when I was reading it...I wasn't so sure, but when it got to doing some of the exersizes in it...I saw it working, almost immediately.  We really do live "The life we BELIEVE we deserve!"  If we believe that we are worthy of great things...Great things will come to us.  if we believe we are NOT, they wont!  This works in EVERY aspect of our lives.  If we BELIEVE we are not meant to find true love, then we wont.  If we BELIEVE we will never live life as a thin person, we never will.  If we BELIEVE we will never have enough...money, joy, happiness, love...we wont.  On the other hand, if we BELIEVE  we are meant to live rich, full, satisfying lives, we will.  And one can not fool ones self into thinking that "just thinking" these thoughts, they will come to us...You must really believe it...and feel it in your heart...You must KNOW you are deserving of all these wonderful things.  If you say to yourself...I deserve to be thin, and live my life to the fullest...but you have that knawing gut feeling that says you don't...then you need to work on changing that knawing gut feeling...and The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent, will show you how.
We are all a work in progress...none of us are perfect...but we can work on becoming close...at least close to how we truely want to be seen in this world...how we want our love ones to see us...and how we want to be seen in God's eyes...and how we see ourselves, because, truely...No person knows the true us, like we know ourselves.  We know our deepest darkest thoughts.  We know our deepest darkest secrets...We know who we want to be, and know better than anyone, what lies within us.  God knows too.  So, even when we think that know one will know what sins we commit...God does know!  We are never alone...Things are never really private...For he knows all that we do, and all that we think.  For that reason alone, work on thinking "good" thoughts, and doing "The right thing, EVERY TIME!"

June 20, 2010
Summer is upon us, finally.  Gosh it was a looonnngggg winter.  Our last snow fall was the last week of May...but today the sun is shining, and being Sunday, I can bask in the sun for most of the day.  Oh what a wonderful feeling.  Last year at this time, I still had not reached my goal, so I may or may not have been sunbathing.  I still don't have a decent bathing suit...not one that fits.  I have one that is too big...but I am not going to go spend a bunch of money on a suit that I will not want to be wearing after plastics...so I will just be out in my bra and panties...sounds courageous I know, but really it isn't...I have a private back yard, with high fences, so nobody can see me.  I want to get a good base tan before Bill comes home and we take off for our summer holidays.
I had asked Bill on his last days home if he was happy.  Perhaps I was a bit pissed with his answer...Until I thought about it for a while.  He had said that he was "content"....but that he wasn't sure if he was happy.  I felt sort of let down...Like perhaps I should be doing something differently to "make him happy."  But after some discussion,....I realized, I couldn't make him happy...and happiness is not the goal anyhow.  Happiness, afterall, is just a fleeting moment of bliss right....Your happy with something until the novilty wears off...and then on to the next thing to bring you happiness.  So, i understood...content.  I feel like I am still striving to find contentness....to be at peace with my life in some fashion.  And I am not sure what it is exactly that I am looking for.  Don't get me wrong...I love Bill...and this has nothing to do with him.  It is me!  I am not the person I want to be..not exactly.  There are so many things I want to improve on...yet when it comes to doing the work...Oh, I don't know....Perhaps I become overwhelmed.  I am such a procrastinator.  I dislike this about myself more than anything else.  I have things I need to do...but yet, I put them off, and put them off...until I have to rush to get things done...or I am late with them.  It's like, I look around at this room.  Now,  don't get me wrong...I am far from a bad housekeeper...but i have things that need to be picked up, and put away...I need to change my sheets...I need to do laundry....I need to dust...and the vacuum wouldn't hurt either....ah, but I keep putting it off.  Why???  When my house isn't organized, neither is my brain...which just leads to chaos.  Ugh, that frustrates me so!!!  Bill's side of the room is so neat and organized...My side looks the opposite.  Yet, I sit here, and think...Ya, I'll get to it later.
I have come a very long way, in a very short time...Yet, I am not satisfied.  I have to remind myself, God did not build the world in a day...and I will not magically improve myself over night either...I am not perfect...I will never be perfect...so I need to stop being so critical of myself....yet I need to stop procrastinating too.  Just get the fuck up...and get the stuff done.  I have the ability, I know I do...yet I let myself down, by not doing things in a timely manner.  Maybe I should treat my home life, like I treat my work life.  I am an excellent employee.  I do what I am supposed to do, when I am supposed to do it at work.  I wonder if I made myself a shedule at home if I would follow it.  Perhaps I will try this and see how it works out.  I think I will try that...wow, an ahha moment...or lightbulb moment...awesome!!!  That is what I was hoping for in writing this out...sometimes I have to see it down in ink to figure out a solution.
Well, I guess that is all I needed to write for now.  I have a couple hours to write up a shedule, get some work done..and then the afternoon to sun bathe and relax...and relax I will, in knowing I got some things accomplished today!
Oh, I guess I should write a bit about Kyle.
He is home and doing well.  Thursday he got to start soft foods.  He is in a stall right now, but he is much more relaxed about it than I ever was.  He knows that his body can't help but lose with the little bits of food he is feeding himself.  He has experienced a couple of lows (blood sugar lows that is)...so we are working on that.  I am so very proud of him.  All his clothes are much too big for him, except for a couple pairs of pants and a couple tops that I bought in antisipation of his weightloss.  But mostly everything is falling off of him.  We are going shopping at the thrift store next week sometime so that we can get him a few more outfits that "fit" him.

I'm sitting here, thinking about what to write...afterall, it has been a long time since I updated here.  Kyle, my son is having his sleeve...as I write this.  Funny...I am soooooo nervous about him having the surgery....Much more so than when I was getting mine.  All the "what ifs" creeping into my mind.  I know his surgeon is a good one...I know he is in good hands, but he is STILL MY BABY...26 years old, but my baby non the less!!!  I am so wishing I would have taken an ativan this morning...but no point in doing that now...I am expecting a phone call at any time to tell me everything is fine, and he made it through without any problems...still...I am waiting.  I never got to kiss him this morning...we walked down to the OR and they took him through the big doors as I spoke with the volunteer...then I started to cry cuz I never got to hug him...I'm a big tit...I know it!!!!  Now the minutes feel like hours as I sit and wait for my phone to ring.  Bill welcomed Kyle to his "new" life this morning...His way of saying take care I guess.  Goodness, I am so antsy....Just got off the phone with Kyle's dad...still no news...It is after noon, so I guess I could have a glass of wine to calm myself, but probably not the best idea as I will be driving back to the hospital...so I will just sit here...a bundle of nerves...Waiting...