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Yesterday was a BIG DAY!

After feeling very intimidated by it, I finally tried a Spin class. WOW! I don't think I've ever sweated so much - and it was the BEGINNER class! But I loved it. I actually loved the feeling of working hard and sweating, but, damn, my booty is SWORE today.

It was also my library's annual gala fundraiser (more like cocktail party that has dinner, but don't get me started on that one). It felt like my debut, lol. It was the first time I got really dressed up as my new, skinnier, healthier self and showed it off! I had a gorgeous cocktail dress, new make up, a rockin' mani, and a new air of confidence. I run the event, so I saw everyone at the door, checking them in, and then made announcements and a short speech (introducing an awardee) during the night.I can't tell you how many people made comments, asked me how I did it, etc. It felt good, but also overwhelming at times. Some of them I shared the full story, most I just said thank you and tried to move on quickly. 

(the dress looks weirdly long in this picture LOL, it was actually just below the knees, wish I had hemmed it, but didn't decide that until like 2pm yesterday...)

And evening snacking is still hitting me hard. Tonight i went totally out of control wild. All this thinking about thinking about snacking and still I do what I don't want to do - what i know isn't a good choice for me and what isn't going to make me feel good. Obviously it's time I find a therapist and start some of the head work. I thought I had things under control, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that that is not the case.

I logged my binge on MFP and I'm truly embarrassed by it. But it's out there in all it's glory and all I can do is make better choices tomorrow.

For the third night in a row I've snacked. Not my normal planned snack. Not a snack of protein, but just snackiness. It's head hunger. It's boredom and stress catching up with me. I need to remember how to break this cycle and do it now. I've come so far and I don't want to go backwards. 

No, three nights doesn't make or break me. The extra 100-200 calories I've taken in each day isn't going to mean the difference between reaching goal and not - but adding them up day after day might. It's time to take back control. When 9pm hits I need a plan of action...right, a plan of action - I'll work on that.

Yesterday I celebrated an awesome NSV. Each fall when I've visited Chincoteague with my family I've said I wanted to rent a bike - finally, 4 years later I've done it! After 2 days of ran, yesterday was a BEA-U-TIFUL day and I went and rented a super cool purple cruiser. I headed out and my first bike ride in....15-20 years was a TEN MILE ride around Assateague Island. I didn't see any ponies (wrong time of day), but I did see many cool birds. I also felt fit, healthy, and confident. AMAZING!

I just had the hardest moment I've had since surgery...a colleague is retiring and today is her last day and there was cake. A big, beautiful yellow cake with vanilla icing and some sort of pudding filling. I don't know about you, but I have a weakness for store-bought cake, I think it comes from my mom always baking our birthday cakes (which I know is lovely and I loved those cakes too, but there's just something about the sickeningly sweet store-bought frosting that I always LOVED). 

First I just didn't join in the celebration - I stayed at the public desk and let everyone else go celebrate. Then when it was all done and no one was there to see (seriously), I cut a teeny tiny slice. It was perfect. It was not even the size of my pinky, but it satisfied my desire for the cake. I logged it and felt fine about the indulgence. But then I had to walk by said cake over and over, it was in the break room, that's where the bathrooms are and drinking 100oz a day, I can't tell you how many times I pee!!! Anyway, I walked by and walked by it - then I ate a little tiny swipe of icing, oops. Then I went to lunch - it was fine. An extra swipe of icing, it wasn't smart, but it wasn't a huge deal. I added a little to what I had already logged.

But I just got back to work and the break room was empty and I just...went crazy! I ate another tiny bite of icing. Then another and then another and then I literally thought "Eff it, I might as well cut another little slice!" and I did! I know that type of thinking is what got me to almost 300 pounds and needing WLS in the first place. This is literally the first time in the 5 months since surgery that I had that thought or even felt like that at all. The initial indulgence was fine - but man, I went overboard. And now my pouch is unhappy with me and I'm unhappy with me. In reality I'm sure what I ate (this morning and just now) doesn't even amount to more than around 150 calories total, but...

I won't dwell on this too much. I'll chalk it up to no one can ever be perfect - but I do want to acknowledge this slip and think a little more on why I would do this to myself. Why, even when I was so upset this morning when my scale hadn't moved, I did this. Why, even though I've loved all the positive feedback, I would do this. Ugh! Just another remember that they didn't do surgery on my head, only my guts!

I returned yesterday from five days "downtheshore" with my parents, sister, and two nieces. We had a lovely time. The weather was perfect most of the week, the house we stay in is beautiful, I had great quality time with my family. The family is incredibly supportive of my WLS and my post-WLS needs, so things went pretty well. We each took a night of cooking duty and my mom and sister both made things that I could easily eat (slightly modified versions). I kept pretty active and my liquids and vitamins all got in.

But the latter part of the week I did fall into a little bit of snacking. Not terrible, the two difficult days both added up to 1100-1200 calories and I did lose a pound when I stepped on the scale this morning - but that isn't the point. I'm ok with the higher calories, what I wasn't down with was that I didn't plan for said indulgences and they didn't even satisfy or make me feel good. In fact, one of these snacking moments was a handful of honey wheat pretzels and I felt totally (physically) miserable afterwards. I'll need to remember that feeling! I'm not going to lie, I had that "well, I'm on vacation" thought go through my head more than once....ugh.

In two weeks I'm headed BACK on vacation (rough life, right?) to another beach. This time with my aunt and uncle, sister and BIL, and the 2 nieces. I know I need to figure out a few strategies for dealing with the "I'm on vacation" thoughts. So far I've decided I'll definitely make some of my Cool Whip FroYo, have pre-measure 1oz bags of Honey Roasted Almonds (my current favorite snack), and lots of different 0 calorie beverages options available.

This week has been hard. I hit another great milestone, 191 pounds - which means I'm no longer obese, simply "overweight." It's a big deal and I'm excited and happy to be here, but this week has been rough.

I've been incredibly tired for about two weeks. It finally occurred to me that this probably was related to my post-WLS body and perhaps I was experiencing some sort of deficiency. It seems iron is the most likely culprit, so I went out and got some iron supplements yesterday (and I'm crossing my fingers that it's the right kind, I knew to look for carbonyl, but at the three stores I went to none said that, but one brand is "elemental" which is how the carbonyl was described, so I'm hoping) and I'm very much hoping it helps give me back some pep. I felt a little better today - placebo effect perhaps?

Lately I've also been battling an unhealthy habit of "popping" things into my mouth. As I'm counting out my 12 almonds for my morning snack, I'll "pop" an extra one into my mouth. As I was spooning my extras into my Loaded Greek yogurt, "pop" a little extra into my mouth. This is a habit I need to break and am being much more conscientious about. 

Finally, today I've been feeling the head hunger badly and feel like my coping has been...not as good as I would have hoped. I'm feeling lonely and bored and anxious to head out for my family vacation, a friend made a thoughtless comment to me - it all added up to head hunger - to a major desire to eat my feelings. I chewed a lot of gum and drank a lot of 4C iced tea today. But then right before getting in bed I also gave in and grabbed some almonds. 5 raw almonds - this was not a binge or anything, but I still gave in. I knew I wasn't physically hunger and I still ate them (but I did log this damned 5 almonds, so at least I'm staying accountable to myself). I won't beat myself up over this for long. I'll take it for what it is - a warning sign that I need to stay vigilant, remind myself of some coping strategies, and move on - back on track. 

Good morning, Century Club! This morning I weighed in 195, bringing my total weight loss to 100 pounds exactly! 100 pounds?! Amazing, if I do say so myself.

This 10 pounds that I'm losing right now is/has been full of major milestones - I've stepped into One-derland, now I've joined the Century Club, and in 4 pounds my BMI will move to be simply "Overweight." In just 4 little pounds I'll no longer be obese. Talk about big steps. I'm trying to be patient, but it isn't easy, that's for sure. I'll take it one day at a time - ups and down. But for now, I'm off to BodyPump, a sentence I couldn't even have imagine 100 pounds ago!

I'm so close to Onederland I can almost taste it! 4 pounds and there it is. I can reach out and touch it - and the amazing thing I know I can get there - maybe even this week. Maybe. Soon after crossing into Onederland territory I'll hit two more important milestones: 100 pounds lost AND no longer being obese, just plain old "Over weight" and I. CAN. NOT. WAIT.