The Suckiness Continues!

Dec 12, 2010

I am now on a daily struggle.  I have gained back about 12 lbs.  from the lowest weight I reached.  I think being too tight helped end my diet mentality.  I am still trying get the positive diet mentality back, but it's hard.  I'm hoping when the holidays are over. 

I am continuing to try to fit in exercise.  I've noticed that if I don't my body screams (with pain... with sciatica pain or such which is cured when I do yoga again).   I actually consider this a good thing because it's keeping me exercising which seems to be helping make me actually do it. 

However, I am trying to maintain the positive "keep swimming" attitude so I can sweep in and fix it all.

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Suckiness

Nov 15, 2010

I haven't really gained.  I'm not really even at a plateau.  I seem to lose three to six lbs, gain two back, and lose some and gain some, still going down but ever so slowly because of the inconsistency.  I am just finally at that point where the "gung ho" attitude has left me.  I'm not "out"; I'm still in.... I just keep jumping back and forth.  Just a quick whine...why must it be so hard!!!????

It's my fault 100% too.  I hate exercising.  I LOVE how I feel after I exercise... but I just so hate getting off my butt and actually doing it!  The less I do it, the less I want to do it and the cycle begins!!  I mostly am eating within the rules, except when I don't.  When I don't I'm just eating unhealhty choices.  I have managed not to keep them in the house though, or to do fast food for every meal... so so far it still hasn't gone back to pre-band.  I still record everything, which helps a lot.  

I am slightly too tight.  It might be other people's sweet spot, but I really just can't take it.  I can't eat more than 2 bites in the morning until like 10am.  It takes me 1 hour to eat my lunch of less than a cup.  I am not always satisfied for even 3 hours with mostly dense protein even then; I think because it's so hard to eat enough.  I have to have snacks.  I think I'm going to try for the 6 meals a day (but really tiny) thing.  That might help a lot.  Really it's like three meals and three snacks.  Or at least try to make it the plan.  Then if I don't need a meal I'll be fine.  Sometimes I have a bit of an acid feeling in my throat at night, and it doens't seem to be because of the food I've eaten that day.  So I made an appointment for a slight unfill on Thursday.  

In order to try to lift my own spirits, I have forced myself to trudge through a book a cognitive therapist gave me about 7 years ago that I've let collect dust all this time, The Overcoming Bulemia Workbook.  Technically I do not have Bulemia since I've never purged.  However, she was quick to mention how the binging behavior is related.  So I went through and picked out the information I felt applied to me and made myself a little handout to look at when I need help.  It starts with the sad reality that there is no "quick fix" and essentially no transfer addictions are really better (though to a certain degree exercise would be a wonderful one to have, I really don't see that happening based on my previous statements lol).  However, it includes ideas that are more positive and I think Mindfullness might help me the most.  So I'm going to work on that and I'm going to post my notes on the board.  Maybe they'll help someone else too.  
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Challah and my band do not love each other.

Sep 09, 2010

I went to the family holiday dinner and had a little piece of apple and honey and then the Challah and honey... and that was it... the Challah did not go down.  I couldn't swallow saliva.  It was the worst and longest stuck episode I ever had.  It makes me sad to think that I might not be able to eat Challah again, but oh well!  I feel better now already after a few hours and tomorrow is another day.  

This was definitely the first time I ever felt stuck when I didn't feel like it was just my fault for overeating or eating too fast or not chewing well enough.  I don't have Challah much though, so the world will not end.  Honey and bread make for a gooey mess.  Mental note taken! 

Hopefully, the fact that I feel better is really the sign of how well my new year will be, instead of the stuck.  Or maybe it will be a sign that I will have restriction.  I don't know, but I know I want it to be good!  Happy New Year!
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The Fill that happened...

Sep 04, 2010

I got my first fill yesterday.  I was so incredibly nervous.  Needles bother me, so even though I KNEW it wasn't really going to be a big deal, I had some serious anxiety on the way there.  Luckily my husband went with me, so he drove the 1 hr. 45 minutes to the doctor while I freaked out and then finally dozed a little (and my anxiety dropped a lot).  When we got there, the anxiety came back but much smaller.  So, of course, my blood pressure was high when I went there like it always is.  Even the traffic stresses me out.  I love my doctor, but I really wish he was much much closer to me.

Anyway, he had me lay down and push my ab muscles.  He stuck the needle in, and I barely felt the pinch, just like my head knew I would.  Then as he put the saline in it, I could feel it constricting my stomach on the inside!  I didn't expect to be able to feel that.  He finished, took out the needle, and I drank some water.  It was pretty much just sitting in my esophagus, so he had me lay down and it started to come up. He put the needle back in and took some out and I could feel it open a bit.  Then he had me sit up with the needle still in my tummy and OMG I sorta felt like I was going to faint.  I took a deep breath, and then I drank while he adjusted it.  I never looked at the actual needle, though I did see the plunger before and after I felt sorta woozy.  Then he was done and it was out and I was fine.  

Yesterday and today I have been on the liquid diet again.  I think it's really good for me, like starting over again after eating poorly for two weeks.  For the most part I'm not starving.  I wish I had the ability to put myself on the liquid diet now and then.  Unfortunately, it's really hard to want to do that to myself!  It might have helped by itself if I had done it when I came home from Vegas.  Anyway, so far so good from the fill.  Apparently it ended up as about 3 ccs. 

My TOM is around again, and I"m realy sick of the differences I've developed.  I kinda liked not having it at all or barely.  Now, I have no idea how strong it will be, sometimes I'm skipping it, but either way having way more serious PMS issues.  I'm super super tired and keep getting terrible headaches. I suppose it could be worse, but I wish the birth control I use helped it more. 

Oh well, it's the next chapter and I'm hoping my first fill helps me back into control.
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I'm a Married Woman!

Aug 18, 2010

I returned yesterday from our trip to Las Vegas where most of my family joined me to witness my marriage to my wonderful husband!  It was a wonderful trip.  I got to spend lots of quality time with my new in-law family, have fun with my husband, had my first hangover ever (it wasn't too bad though), walk down the aisle to Star Wars music (from the end of episode IV), and have a great party with our families and friends.  

I stopped counting calories the second we arrived in Vegas.  I didn't make good choices while I was there. Instead, I allowed myself the foods I had been purposely avoiding since I got the band.  I had buffalo wings, club sandwichs, mexican food, and alcohol (which I almost never drink).  It was really nice, however, even though it should have been 5 days and then done, I came home and now I don't want to stop eating.  Stupid food!!!  Today I made some poor choices, and didn't stop at the amount I would have normally set for myself.  

So my plan is to get back to the basics tomorrow.  Especially, I need to count my calories, drink lots of water, and exercise.  I need to go grocery shopping, we're pretty close to out of food! 

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Fill Appointment

Jul 22, 2010

Well I had my first appointment for a fill on Monday.  I went in, I talked to the nutritionist and then saw the doctor.  I talked to my nutritionist about whether or not I could be hurting my pouch or band if I am eating more than 1 cup at a time.  My nutritionist basically said to talk to the doctor.  She otherwise said I was making good choices and doing well in continuing to lose weight.  

Then I went in to talk to the doctor.  The doctor basically said that I should make sure I'm chewing enough and I should be fine, especially since it's been so long since I've had to yak due to my eating.  I've learned when to slow down - it might be that first bite syndrome I've heard about, and it's usually my first meal that I suddenly realize I have to wait a minute or two and then I'm fine.  The doctor said he wasn't too concerned, that is should be okay.  He also said that because I was losing weight well it was completely up to me if I want to get my first fill.  The long ass needle and some band-aids were waiting on the counter.  Well, with my wedding coming up in less than a month, I decided to wait until after the wedding to get my first fill.  If my doctor wasn't too concerned I was hurting myself then I will continue to be careful but do what I'm doing until I walk down the aisle.  It was basically either that... or I could have gotten the fill and done a liquid diet and tried to lose more faster.  However, I met the goal I set for myself before the wedding, and 80 lbs in about 4 months is pretty good.  If it slows down now, it should be okay as long as it keeps going.  

Sunday is my fitting for the dress. I am pretty excited!  I can't wait to celebrate and have a fun Vegas vacation.  I love my man. :) 

Lastly, this could only happen to me, but I'm having trouble with my blood pressure.  It's up whenever I see my surgeon and it was up last time I saw my primary doctor.  Then I went again and it was fine so I get to go again.  I didn't really have problems before the band, but I guess my health caught up to me right at about that time.  So, I'll keep getting it checked.  Hopefully, it will go back to normal and stay that way forever. 

Anyway, my first fill was anticlimactic.  I'm not sure if I made the right decision, but I think that either way would be okay.  I will live with what I have and I will be happy to have less worry about the band during a vacation.  So, I'll make my next fill appointment in early September.  
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Whining Zone

Jul 11, 2010

So, I am having a lot more hormonal times now that I have my period again.  It has made my TOM (time of the month) pretty crappy.  Every month now, I have at least 3 - 5 days where I am depressed for no reason and do not want to exercise... and even worse I want to eat all day long.  I don't crave particular food or "bad" food... I just want food in me asap.  I am not sure how most people conquer this... or maybe since it's only once a month maybe normal women just eat and then work it off when the TOM is over?  I don't know.  I've definitely been allowing myself to eat more at this time, and to make excuses to not exercise since I have a headache or feel down.  I have still mostly been making more acceptable choices and still counting what I eat and writing it in my website I keep track of.  Still, it would be nice if it would go away.  I wonder if Midol helps with that too.  I'll have to look that up later.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment at my lapband doctor to get my first fill.  I am nervous.  I am sad to have to go on liquids for three days again.  I am doing it because I'm eating too much.  I am not limiting myself to 1 cup of food.  I am eating until I'm satisfied... even full sometimes.  So, I'm going to make it so I will eat the right amount again.  However, I am kind of sad to do so.  More annoyingly I do have to drive 2 hours in rush hour traffic to get to my doctor.  It'll take 1.5 hours to get back since rush hour will be over.  It's just so long.  I love my doctor's office.  Everyone is great, including my doctor.  I just wish they were closer.  I wanted to bail so I wouldn't have to deal with it.  However, my husband to be gently reminded me that it's not a good idea to cancel.  I need to go.  I do love him.  How lucky am I to have his support and love in a gentle perfect manner?   

Lastly, next year at work I might be expected to teach the same thing I've been teaching for three years OR they might reassign me to a new class: 7th grade history.  I would like to teach this new class, but I will have to create a whole new curriculum.  However, I don't get to know if I have that extra work to do until they figure it out, which most likely will be a couple days before school starts.  I have NO motivations to do all the extra work just in case... but if I do change I will be stressed when I have to do all the extra work!  I'm just whining.  I know what my choices are here.  I just wish things were easier.

Those are it.  I actually have very few reasons to whine.  Most things are great.  I am on vacation from work, which is great, though I think sometimes I get a little antsy.  However, I have time to do the things I want and not just the things I have to do.  I am getting married in about 35 days, which is something incredibly exciting and happy.  I can't wait, even though it will be near the end of my vacation.  I have a new apartment, which is awesome and keeping us cool in the hot summer.  I am healthier and sorta less lazy most days (except not when I'm hormonal!).  Things are good though. 

I'm writing this to remind myself to stop letting my hormones control me.  I gotta snap out of it.  Tomorrow I will wake up at 6:30 so I can leave by 7:30 to drive all the way to Orange.  Wish me luck!  :) 
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Reality Check

Jun 27, 2010

It's weird.  I am constantly feeling like the scale isn't changing fast enough.  The first few weeks after the band I was still losing about 5 to 6 pounds per week.  I know that is not normal, but I was exercising and eating right and it was going well because I started out so large.  Then, after a few weeks I felt I hit a wall.  I only seem to lose 1 to 2 pounds or sometimes it says I gained a pound.  Everyday I have been so careful to count my calories and exercise so it's very frustrating when it goes up.  

My brain tells me I'm only supposed to lose 1 to 2 pounds per week but then it argues that I was losing 5 or 6 so why would it drop off so much if I didn't change anything?  I know it's because I'm not as gigantic as I was before and this is more normal and healthy... for some reason it's not much consolation when the scale goes UP.  

I have determined that it went up because I ate some seafood with soy sauce the day before.  I think it must be what it is, or maybe muscle, or both.  I have been exercising pretty consistently.  I don't really want to give up soy sauce and salt, but it might make my weigh ins less of an emotional roller coaster so I'm thinking I might start making it a no no on the two days before my weigh in and see if that helps.  

In the meantime, my reality check comes from talking to my mom.  She says I lost weight quickly.  I said, oh, well, yes, I guess I lost 70 lbs in about 3.5 months.  Holy crap that's fast!  Really!  Last time I dieted and lost weight on my own I lost 80 lbs and it took me almost a year.  I really need to stop my brain and emotions from beating me down.  Sometimes it's hard to focus on the good things.  I'm so used to being critical and trying to make the things I care about most perfect that sometimes I forget to focus on the positive.  I would never do that to a friend though.  

Maybe I'll write it down somewhere that I will see it all the time.  "You are doing great!  Stop beating yourself up and DON'T let two measely probably water weight pounds make you feel like exercising is a waste because it's not!!!" 

As hard as it is to make me get off my ass I always feel soooo physically and emotionally better afterwards.  I think this turned into a ramble.  Oh well, sometimes they are the most therapeutic blogs! :) 
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New NSVs (non-scale victories)

Jun 21, 2010

So, the other day, I was afraid to do it, but I wanted to sit.  I sat in a student desk.  The last times I tried, I was so squeezed in that I felt my insides were being crushed... and I couldn't breathe.  But this last week of school I sat in one while having a discussion with other teachers and I fit!  I still filled it up, but I barely touched the desk and there was no pain!  Woot!

On the same note, I have been to a few restaurants lately, and I no longer need to request the chair/table over the booth!  I can fit there too!  It is really nice to not have to worry about that anymore.  It was really embarrassing.  

I also had some success trying new things in the bedroom.  Yay for being smaller!  I am ready for even less of me!  

Today I also exercised for a whole hour for the first time.  I'm going to try to keep it up and maybe gradually increase it over the summer time.  Yay, summer!  
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Happiness

Jun 02, 2010

My new avatar include my darling baby kitty, Dusty, who is 2 and my brand new wedding ring. 

I know it's just a material object, but it does really have a lot of symbolism for me.  I was starting to think I would be alone forever when I met my man.  Not only will I not be, but he really is my soul mate.  I thought I was going to end up settling and even almost did seven years ago.  However, fate or luck saved me and even though there were some lonely times in between, I wouldn't change things for the world.  It is not easy to find someone that you fit with like a puzzle and I feel so truly lucky.  Seeing my ring today when I picked it up in my size from Robbins Brothers made me feel soooo happy.  

Joy!! 
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About Me
52.5
BMI
Surgery
04/07/2010
Surgery Date
Apr 01, 2010
Member Since

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