Toni Ocean

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finally pulled on a swim cap this morning.  i look like a dork.  but it makes everything so much easier.  no more clips to keep the hair out of my face.

anyway, i swam .3 mile this morning.  if i can believe the scale there, i'm dropping weight rapidly.  i'm not sure if it's correct though.  i'll double check when i see my gp on tuesday morning.

it's so weird that my knees hurt when i swim.  you'd think they'd be completely happy in the water.  nope.  i want something other than narcotic pain medication.

i spent nearly 2 hours in the pool at the gym last night.  i swam more than a third of a mile, and then did exercises to strengthen my arms and my legs.  i'm pleasantly tired--and a little sore--this morning.

eating continues to be a little strange.  i'm ready for the change--embrace it really--and i still struggle sometimes.  i'm starting to recognize the head hunger from the physical hunger. 

i've had my first fill.  it hurt like crazy.  i've got a tiny bit of restriction.  i go back on the 28th for another one.  i'm glad that i don't have to wait too long for adjustments so that i can find my sweet spot.

just about time to fold some laundry...2 loads on the bed, where i'd like to sleep tonight.  lol

spent part of this evening figuring out the nutritional value of a recipe i've created.  it was pretty interesting to do the math and figure out how it all comes together.  the recipe is for low fat/high protein/low calorie ranch dip.  two tablespoons equals 17 calories. 

i join the gym tomorrow, and will start swimming in earnest.  i'm psyched to finally get started.

and my first fill is on tuesday.

I've been getting some exercise...trying to walk for 10-15 minutes several times a day.  i'm just done with my first round of the day.  i walked .44 miles in 15 minutes.  i know it's not particularly fast, but i did it.  toward the end, my legs were a bit tired and slow, but i did it.

i listen to mary schneider who yodels some great music.  she keeps me going.  some people joke that she may keep me going to try to get away from the yodeling.  really, though, i love it.  i like marching band music, too. 

this one time, at band camp...

yep, i'm a geek!

drank so much yesterday i've been up two times to pee.  and still my ankles are swollen!  i think they swelled because the soup i ate had so much sodium.  i switched to reduced sodium tomato, and will hope they return to normal.

yesterday, in a fit of energy, i decided to rewire my surround sound speakers.  that seems reasonable, doesn't it?  and the benefits are direct and definite.

i'm so SORE now.  too much bending and twisting.   yes, it does sound great (yamaha stereo receiver and 5 speakers ROCK!), but i'm not sure it was wise.  dang it!

prior to the noisy foolishness, my brother and i have been talking about getting my gym membership going.  he's going to help with the first couple of months so that i can get started.  as soon as i get the 'all clear' from the surgeon, i'll be off to join!  yippee!

tomorrow, i go back to work.  i'm not looking forward to it.

i used to love my job.  i felt like i did it well, and that i was making a difference in the world...or at least in the professional lives of the therapists i supervised.

i don't enjoy it any more.  i'm currently supervising a group of interns, and feel like i'm not meeting their needs. 

i had wanted this group of interns--there are five--to form a cohesive unit that could learn from each other and support each other.  they've chosen to not do that.

the lack of cohesion comes through health issues that each of the women has, and how these have prohibited attendance in the activities that would have helped form the group.

i *get* health issues, exhaustion, depression, anxiety, etc.  i have consistently supported self-care, and have suggested that each take the best care of herself possible.

in some weird way, my support of self-care has led these women to believe that their attendance is not mandatory, that i will bend over backwards to meet their needs, and that any criticism they have about the work they're doing (or not doing) is directed at me personally.

my lesson--from where i sit at 5:30 am on monday holiday morning--is that i will be more firm about expectations next year.  i will prepare more thoroughly to be completely ready.  i will remind myself that their criticism--while it may be directed at me--is not about me.

time for more self-awareness.  damn it!  (lol)

doing pretty well now.  there's some residual pain, but it's not severe.  am very curious to see about weight loss in these four days.

working on being ok with the word 'obesity'.  there are so many negative connotations, and i can barely stand to say the word.  how's that for weird? 

last night was the first that i spent by myself since monday.  my brother has been kindly and generously with me for these first several nights.  i am truly a lucky woman to have him in my life.

i've been gassy for the past 24 hours or so.  still, my bowel function is good.

been getting 30-45 minutes of exercise per day.

tomorrow morning--just about this time--i'll be getting in the car with my brother.  we'll be driving north to everett (about 35 miles) to the northwest weight loss surgery center.  my scheduled arrival is 7:15.  traffic in that direction in the morning can be awful, so we're leaving extra early.  that's ok.  i'm sure i'll be up!

i've spent the weekend by myself.  not lonely in the slightest, just by myself and quiet.  kind of contemplative.  did some 'saying goodbye' to my old life--the ways of eating, of comforting myself. 

i've had some times of emotional 'head' hunger, and i'm getting better at recognizing those.  i breathe, remind myself that i can breathe through it, drink water, have so far been successful.

due to some incontinence issues, and the desire to stop oxybutynin as it makes my mouth dry--and according to my pharmacist, can mess with the absorption of potassium--i'm restricting liquids in the evening.  it's helping.  at the same time, i sometimes wake up thirsty!

speaking of potassium, i go in for another potassium draw this morning.  the results will be faxed directly to the clinic in everett.  my ghc doc is coming through for me!

heading for the losers' bench!

i've been loving the message boards...so much information and support!  we're lucky!

been trying different things for the one meal per day...you know, change it up a bit.  some are successful and some not so.  every now and then, it's a downright gross.

i really wish i could have a ww or lean cuisine, but those don't mix with celiac disease.

going to have to do some searching for appropriate post op foods.  maybe i'll cook a bit beforehand.

hope you're enjoying your process as much as i am!

i've been so worried about getting to my pre-surgery goal of losing 20 pounds that i started the liquid diet early. i've had some great success already and have lost 15 pounds. yep, you read that right FIFTEEN POUNDS!

heavy sigh.  the first sips were GROSS! 

there was a lot of fear:  how am i going to lose the weight the doc had me agree to lose?  here's another thing to fail at.  you know what i mean.  it's the same stuff we all deal with.

then i blended the drink with ice, and added a single serving tube of crystal light.  with a straw, i can do this.

today, i take measurements!  (i'll make an excel spreadsheet to keep track)

here's the big question:  will i regain the height i've lost because of my weight?  oh, i hope so!