Alyssa P.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

April 21, 2010 I was being wheeled down to the OR a sobbing mess.  I can laugh about it now.  But I was terrified. I even wrote my daughters letters in case something terrible happened to me.  I remember the nurse anesthetist who wheeled me down to the OR suite was trying to make small talk to calm me down - and I'm not even sure he could understand my answers through my blubbering.  168 pounds and over 2 feet less than I was then, I am now an entirely different person - inside and out. 

I saw my before pictures at my 1yr check up yesterday... I looked swollen.  I looked so unhealthy.  It brought back memories of hobbling around the state fair with aching feet and a sore back... Specifically skipping movies at theatres where I wasn't sure the arm rest would lift up to give me more room... Pretending to buckle my seatbelt on the airplane to reserve the small amount of integrity from asking for a seatbelt extender... Only wearing dingy old Crocs because my feet were too swollen and chubbby to comfortably fit into anything else... Sleeping on the couch at night because my lower back hurt so bad in our bed... Not being able to even sit on the floor to play with my daughters because my legs fell asleep so quickly....  Feeling ashamed. Embarassed.  Gross.

All of that is gone now.  I'm not afraid anymore.  I'm not trying to hide in the corner of my life pretending that the quieter I am, people won't notice just how big I am.  I used to get out of breath climbing out of my little car.... now I still have energy after an hour on the StairMaster.  I have energy, confidence... complete happiness.

My husband and I took our girls up north to Grand Marais this past weekend for a short mini-vacation.  Although it was only two days, we packed so much in that I did not get much to eat or drink at all.  Not nearly the amount of water and protein I should have.  When we got home, I was worried about how this would be reflected on the scale.  Much to my surprise, I had lost 4lbs.  And then it happened.  Instead of feeling excited and proud, I began to feel a little anxious.  I felt scared, to be honest. 

It occured to me that I have never, that I ever remember, not been overweight.  And I think my feelings of anxiety were based on the idea that no matter what, this journey is happening for me.  Who will I identify myself as?  Who will I identify with?  For 30+ years, I've identified as someone who is large... fat to be frank.  My childhood was filled with nasty comments from other classmates.  My teenage years were sprinkled with a few close friends, and many thoughts that I was not worthy of any "in crowd" because of my weight.  My college years & early 20's, I went to pubs with my roommates, spending most of the time as the quiet one of the bunch, avoiding any dance floor like the plague.  For so long, I have imagined that the first thing that people thought when they see me was how large I am.  One day, sooner than I imagine, that will not be the case.  And as I felt so nervous on the scale this past weekend, I realized I was fearing the day that I realize I can no longer hide behind my weight.

This journey has been so enlightening to me.  I have been forced to change my mind about my strength, and face emotional and physical stressors that even 6 months ago, I never imagined I'd make it through.  Not for one single second have I ever regretted my decision.  But I am apprehensive, albeit excited, about this untrenched territory of being a healthy, thin woman.  I can't wait to see what she's like.

Since starting my journey, I've lost just over 70lbs (35 since surgery).  For me, it's a cup out of the ocean - but a magnificent start.  I am beginning to notice the changes in my body.  I can actually button many of my blouses that, for years, I've worn open with a cami underneath.  I have a favorite pair of black pants that have become almost too big to even wear.  When I look at my body in the mirror, though, I only see changes from the shoulders up.  I have collar bones!  And my face is shrinking... At this stage of my weight loss success, I am feeling a bit out of proportion... small head on big body; hence, my new profile pic.  It really is quite bizarre... and even more strange, I don't seem to really care.  I am moving in the right direction.  I am well aware of the possibilities and likeliness of extra skin, etc.  So I am really not fazed by the course my body is taking... it's just my first real awareness... And very possibly, my very first REAListic body image of myself.  (After all, for 20+ years, I've thought I looked thinner than I was.)  People at work are starting to notice changes as well, and it is great to hear compliments and kudos on my success.  .... I have had some ups & downs the last month or so, emotionally and mentally, but beginning to see the physical changes in myself really is a fantastic reminder that not only am I right on course, but this could very well be the best decision I've ever made for myself and my family.

I wish I could say my moods have improved, but truthfully, they are all over the place.  I am sad today.  I am overwhelmed.  I have so much going on in my life right now, I can't keep it all straight.  Today, I am realizing that I am spreading myself too thin to make other people happy.  My mom is in town this weekend and has been saying for quite some time now that she'd love to go camping with me and my sisters because she never really gets one-on-one time with us from our families.  So, this weekend, we rented a cabin for a night.  One of my sisters and I can't stand camping or the outdoors.  But I agreed to go along because of the company.  My sister bailed at the last minute.  And I know this sounds so ridiculous - but Im sitting here, I have a paper due tonight that I'll need to finish before we leave today, I have 2 kids that need taken care of while my husband works, and I have appetizers for 25 people to shop for and make for a cook-out tomorrrow.  Yet, Im going.  Believe me I know it sounds trivial and immature - but it's what has set me off today.  And I have realized that my life is out of f-ing control.  My house is a mess.  My finances are a mess.  My health is a mess.  And I dont know how to get control of the reigns again.  And I feel like I have no one to talk to... I feel like no one gets it.  Im afraid of being judged,  so I havent asked for help.  And I feel like I am losing my mind.  

From the beginning of this journey, I have paid close attention to all of the emotional and physical challenges that so many people face.  Luckily, I have been a-ok.  Though, I have felt that I was mentally prepared to take on anything that came my way.  Afterall, knowledge is preparation... well... sort of.  It's finally hit me.  I'm almost 4 weeks out and I am an emotional basket case.  To be frank, I'm a completel bitch.  I saw a thread not long ago where someone had mentioned that people have been telling her not to change, not to "get mean."  This was something I had never heard.  I found it very interesting-- it made me wonder whether or not these people are considering a new, confident, self-assured, strong woman as "mean."  But no, this is real.  I can feel the bitchiness inside me.  I can't blame it on PMS as I've finished my period... almost.  I'm short tempered and the littlest things irritate me - forcing me to bite my tongue just to save myself from hurting anyone ...(not physically lol).  I don't know if all of my changes are coming to a head... catching up with me emotionally so to speak.  If 6 weeks of watching others enjoy their fattening, delicious foods in front of me is now paying a toll on my sanity... if constantly putting something in my mouth - sips of water, itty bitty bites of egg salad, vitamins, etc etc - has caught up with me.... I really don't know.  I just know I don't feel like myself.  I feel like I'm having a bad day... and everyone is going to pay for it.

The closer my surgery date gets, I am getting more and more nervous.  A few days ago I would have said my nerves are geared towards typical surgery anxieties: How much pain will I be in?  What if something goes horribly wrong?  What if I don't see my children again?  

But yesterday, as I was drinking my protein shake while my family ate their sloppy joes, I began to think about food.  I began to think about how I will miss certain foods.  And it was then that I realized that I haven't reflected a whole lot on my relationship with food.  I have never considered myself an emotional eater.  I tend to be just the opposite actually - stress tends to decrease my appetite actually.  But when I do eat really good foods, I feel a type of satisfaction that I don't feel with anything else.  As I reflected on this, I slowly began to feel a bit saddened by my "break-up" with unhealthy food.  Seems so silly, doesn't it? 

I now sit and wonder what my relationship will be like with food.  I understand that soon, I will be controlling it rather than it controlling me.  I understand that I will be putting something in my mouth almost constantly (and not the foods I wanted 2 months ago!) - dedicating my hours to timing and measuring and counting - just to make sure I stay healthy and on top.  I wonder what will take place of food?  Will I replace that relationship with more of my hobbies?  Photography?  Pottery?  I am so curious as to where this journey I am ready to embark on will take me... knowing in the end, I will be so, so much healthier.