I've got the power

Feb 04, 2012

I'm sure most of y'all here have tried diets after diets. I know I have. Hell, I still do. Since I had surgery my weight has fluctuated between 176-190. One of the things that I've been struggling to embrace is my agency in this whole process. I feel like I've constantly been trying to fight for everyone to understand my own personal work in this matter, and you can hear it when I talk about my surgery. I tend to indicate to people that I had surgery, it didn't work (my band slipped and I had no restriction) but I lost weight because I was really pushing for it to work. I was 203 when I went in for my second surgery, and they removed the band and sewed up the significant hole in my stomach. I usually tell people that my stomach is slightly smaller than it was but still significantly bigger than anyone else who has a sleeve. All of that is true. It's true that my doctor did NOT perform sleeves, and mine was done only because it was an "extenuating circumstance". Its true that his primary goal was to save my life not to perfect my weight loss, and it would have been risky removing lots of stomach tissue because of how degraded my stomach had become with the erosion. It's also true that I did get a leak, so his concerns were well founded. I used all that information as my justification for why I'm still 180 lbs rather than my goal of 158. I used it to justify my feelings of helplessness, and the subsequent unhappiness I had from that.

I really did try to keep losing weight. My lifestyle since surgery is COMPLETELY different. Every thing I eat is different. All the excercise I do. Etc etc. however, nothing besides short lived liquid diets give me any weight loss. I tried lots of different methods. I got a pedometer. I tracked my calories. I got jobs on my feet. I ate almost exclusively protein. I ate foods I hated. I tried to be more balanced. I abstained from alcohol. Nothing produced more than a 2-3 lb change, followed by a plateau. And (especially because I felt so out of control there) that meant they were all incredibly hard to continue doing. I was SO scared I was going right back up to crazy obesity. So scared as soon as I lost the fight in me and "let myself go" and ate somewhat normally, I would be right back in the 200s.

I told myself that anytime I hit 190 was considered "Panic mode" and I needed to do something- anything- to get back down to the 180-185 range that's now my comfortable habitat. Well, after a slacking semester where I didnt frequent the gym a lot, and a long, celebratory holiday season, I returned to Gainesville and hit the scale. 190.3. So, I bought some protein powder, re-instituted the calorie count, and didn't buy any more of the things I eat that are more caloric (namely nuts, my cheese- though its reduced fat, and occasionally ice cream). Seems like any other diet, right? 

Well, this time it wasn't. One thing that I had never really acknowledged was how unreliable my calorie counting was. Sure, I'd do plenty of days where I'd stay within my 1,200 calorie limit. I loved charting then. But when I strayed? 50 calories- probably gonna chart it. 2000 calories? No way in hell. That first week I decided, "No matter what, I'm going to chart it. I'm not gonna let the shame of being in the red control me." The night after that, I was bored, tired, and reallly hungry (and I had almost nothign in my kitchen). I ate almost an entire bag of baked tostidos. I rationalized myself saying, "Well, at least they were baked, so they're healthier than the originals" but I definitely felt beyond full eating them. and then I went and charted the calories in them.... it was astronomical. It was such a shocker. It was more than I'd eaten the entire rest of the day and then some. But, I didn't let it beat me up. I just said, "Fuck that, next time if I want to binge I'm getting cheesecake, that wasn't worth it!" It has totally helped my awareness when I am mindlessly consuming food. If I think, "I just have to keep track of how much so I can write it down." then it just makes me so much more aware than I ever was that I'm eating, I'm consuming these calories, and I want to. I've been on this a few weeks and guess what?  I go over my weekly amount more often than I stay on it. It's set at 1100 and my actual average is about 1560. But I've still lost weight. Really lost weight.

That realization has made me acknowledge- okay, yes, my body is stubborn. Yes, my metabolism is slow. but no, its not hopeless. a lot of the reason why I couldnt do it before was because I couldn't face the reality when I went off the plan. So those days get uncharted, I tend to not dwell on them, and suddenly I'm saying, "WTF. I'm eating 1,100 calories a day and I'm not losing any weight." No, I'm really not.

I HIGHLY recommend the calorie counting method to anyone who's having trouble. its a feat, to be honest with yourself. but even if you do it for a few weeks and then not for a long time, it provides you with so much valuable information if you're willing to look honestly. Look at your choices. I have eaten PLENTY of junk in these last 3 weeks without regret- tons of jelly beans, chocolate cake, at least half a dozen cookies, alcohol. I've lost 6 1/2 lbs anyway. And knowing I have the power to do it is more important than any of this other stuff, because that's really where it all matters. That thought has enabled me to get up early to go to the gym, to pass on some food I think I want, and to work toward my goals.

One other thing, besides Daily Plate where I chart my calories, that has been incredibly helpful is my fitbit (bless that machine). Fitbits are these clever little bugs that you stash on your body (I clip mine to my bra cause I lost a few on my pants) and they monitor your steps throughout the day. I don't care what people say about not needing someone to cheer them on, I KNOW for me, when my fitbit notes that I take the stairs all the time, there's recognition there. I can gloat that I've made goals and met them, that I've been reasonably active, etc. It also tends to kick me in the pants when I haven't been getting adequate sleep.

Fitbit recently added a weight loss/calorie O'dometer of sorts to its site. This means, based on your current stats, it will tell you about how many calories you can eat to lose at a certain rate. thats no different than livestrong, or many other sites out there. the things that are unique to fitbit, that I appreciate are: 1. its a range, not a number, so I feel less discouraged by it and more flexible 2. most importantly, the range is automatically adjusted to the amount of calories you burned that day. well, livestrong does that too- you plug in the exercise you performed, and it subtracts. What's the difference? Fitbit is taking your calories into account without you doing anything, and its way more truthful than just what you did at the gym. take the stairs? park a little farther away? fitbit will give you more calories. sit on your butt after you did your hour workout? probably not as active as the day you were running errands. boom. go over my calorie limit? walk to the grocery store, instead of drive, and when I check it again I'm automatically back in the green zone.

All that to say, I've had an incredibly productive few weeks, and the diet is the easiest one I've done in a long time. Sustainable. not awful. the frequent and accurate help that I get from fitbit and livestrong have made this an actual possibility for me. they said I'll reach my "goal" of 158 by April 24th. I don't know if that's really what I'm aiming for still, and I know during spring break I will certainly set myself back, but I'm really glad to feel equipped and powerful to make my body look and feel the way I want it to.

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About Me
Ocala, FL
Location
40.7
BMI
VSG
Surgery
03/17/2009
Surgery Date
Feb 09, 2008
Member Since

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