April1013
Fat Girl Angry Moment PT.2
Jun 09, 2009
So I have had the most eventful two weeks I have had in a long time. It seems like the closer I get to surgery, the more bullshit comes up in my life! I guess it's too much to ask to just be drama free, and go into surgery with a clear head....AHHH! Oh well, what can you do. I guess I just have to blog and make myself feel better!So here's the deal. I made the conscious decision back in February when I started the whole weight loss surgery process that I was not going to bother with men anymore. We'll let me be clear! lol. I mean I was not going to try to talk to any guy or meet any guy, I was going to focus on me and my surgery! Now this is very hard for me because I can't tell you the last time I was truly single. If I didn't have a boyfriend, I was at least talking to 2 guys (somtimes when I did have a b/f...oops). And what I know about myself is that I tend to get too wrapped up in the relationship and I forget about other things that need priority in my life. I knew that I wanted to make surgery my #1 priority, so therefore I knew I was gonna have to let go of the men. And it seemed like perfect timing because I just got out of a long distance relationship. I will be honest, I did not think that it was going to last long. LOL...but I completely suprised myself and everyone around me when I sorrta became "obsessed" with surgery and a man was the last thing on my mind. So for 4 whole months, I did not take any numbers, give out my number, call any of the old flames or exes and didn't return their calls if they called. Not only did this break help me focus on getting all I needed for my insurance approval, mentally, it changed my life. Not to sound all dramatic, but for a girl (and I know there are a lot of girls like this) who sometimes determine their happiness on the guy in their life, seeing that I was HAPPY and doing well all my myself was crazy! I became closer to my friends and family and I really got to see what people used to tell me was "my problem". I get too involved with guys, and I really saw that was true. Looking back I don't think I could EVER go back to being that way. Not only was it not healthy for me, but I really think back like "Damn, why would any guy want to have dated me, I was crazy"!
So out of the blue, one day in May, I got a Facebook message from a guy that attends my college and he said he wanted to get to know me. He gave me his screen name, and we talked a few days later. Our first few conversations were horrible, he bored me. He's a nerd, into technology and video games and shit like that, and I'm not...LOL But he was so persistant and so sweet that I kept talking to him and we went on a date. Decided I didn't like him after the date, but I went on another one. And slowly after each time I saw him I liked him more. Now I told him from the jump, that I was not looking for anything serious! That I have a one-track mind on my surgery and I don't want any drama, and he agreed to that....
So two months down the road we are casually dating. Dinner, pool, movies, u know the regular! Last week he tells me that his parents offered to send him to school out of state and get him an apartment while he gets his Masters. This is what he has been wanting, yet he doesn't sound excited about it. I ask him what's wrong and he said, "We'll if I leave, I won't be able to see you..." My first reaction was "SO"! I told him that I would visit him, but regardless of that, we aren't dating and it's not that serious, why would you stay for me?? So this conversation suddently takes an awful turn and now he is asking me where do I see this relationship going and what do I want from him? UMMM did we suddently switch roles and he became the bitch?? I told him that he knew what I wanted when we met so I don't know why he is asking me all of this. This led to an hour long conversation about "us" that I never really wanted to have! I like him, but not like that. During the course of this conversation he tells me that he is afraid that once I get skinny I am going to find someone better. I didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to take it. Is he saying that he's not good enough for me now and once I get skinny I will realize that or is he saying that when I get skinny I will decide he's not good enough for me and I will want a more attractive, more accomplished guy?? I let his comment slide, because I didn't want to have a converstaion about that with him period. I see him as a friend. And he can remain my friend after surgery, gauranteed. But it just blew my mind that he was so concerned about this and I haven't even had the surgery yet! He was already assuming that weight loss surgery is going to change me and that bothered me.
I'm not going to lie. When I finally do reach my weight loss goal, it's going to be like college all over again. I am going to want to date around and have fun! There is going to be a wide range of men that were never attracted to me before and I am going to enjoy that. But having surgery isn't going to change my morals, and the concern I have for other people's feelings. Unfortunetly I have not had much luck in finding "the one" while I have been fat. But if I was with someone before surgery, the last thing on my mind would be, "when can I get rid of him for someone better".
Remeber the shoe "The Swan"?? It was when they took very unnatractive women and gave them hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery over a couple months time and then they did a big reveal to their spouses and family at the end. The majority of these women were married and had children. I remember there were a lot of women who were on the show that later got divorced, I believe one was on Oprah talking about it. I always wondered what lead to the divorce. Was the husband jelous of his new wife? Did he feel out of place, and not good enough for her anymore? Or was it her? Did she enjoy the looks from other men now? Did she feel like she deserved better now that she looked better? It's hard to say. Probably a combination of many things.
We'll I don't consider myself a swan. The new smaller, skinner me is still going to be the same April, same heart and same mind. If the relationships I have with people change, it won't be on my end.
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About Me
West Bloomfield, MI
Location
40.8
BMI
Surgery
06/30/2009
Surgery Date
Feb 03, 2009
Member Since
