April1013
The Madness Has Begun...
Jun 23, 2009
So today I am exactly one week until surgery! I no longer feel excited, now I am just anxious to get it over with! I was hoping that I could make it to surgery without the worry kicking it, but I have not been so lucky. Now I am starting to think about the anesthesia, the pain after surgery, what if I have to stay extra nights, what will the scars be like, what is something goes wrong?? I don't let myself think about these things for long. I like to stay positive, but these thoughts are seeping into my mind and I hate it!Barix called today and I missed the call and they didn't leave a message. Called back not even 30 seconds later and a lady told me that they had called about my payment. I got scared for a minute because I thought she was going to say it went up. But she said that it still is the $200. And I told her I already paid it.....silence on her end. "Oh ok well sometimes we just call to let you know that it hasn't changed....silence on my end. I'm thinking to myself she doesn't know what the fuck she is talkig about and I wish she would put on the lady that actually called me. We'll I find out later that they called to give me the time I have to be at the clinic on the 30th! I am frustrated with Barix. Are the summer months a busier time for them, because I really feel like I haven't been receiving the great service and attention that I was getting in previous months. I just really can't stand for incompetence, and I feel like Barix has been fucking up lately....
If it wasn't apparent before that I am an emotional eater, it definitely is now because I have been a human vacuum the past week! As I said, I was NOT given a pre-op diet, and I wish to God that I had been given one. When I am told what to do, I can stick to it, but right now I'm feeling like it's a free-for-all. And it doesn't help that everyone keeps saying "You better eat up, you won't be able to have that anymore!" And the fucked up part is that I know that's not necessarily true! There will be a day when I will be able to enjoy my favorite foods again in moderation. But yet I went to McDonald's 4 times last week, and I HATE McDonald's!!! Why am I doing this to myself?? I had plans to do my protein shakes and six small meals and work out every night until the day of my surgery, but I haven't done any of that. I am a little worried. I don't know what is going on with me.
I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but before this past week had absolutely no fear about the surgery. The only thing that concerned me was what I was going to look like after I have lost the weight? Would I look like Star Jones and have my head look bigger than my body? Would I get too skinny? Would I have so much sagging skin that I would just look like a skinny girl with a big belly? And to make matters worse, last night I was up until 4 am on You-Tube looking at videos of gastric bypass patients and their loose skin. This completely horrified me. I am just so scared of losing all the weight and still not being happy with my body. It makes me angry that I let myself get to this point. That I have been fat for all these years and I'm going to carry the scars (emotional and physical) for the rest of my life. I need to stop focusing on the future and start taking things day by day. I am worrying about something that is months and months away. I feel stupid for worrying. I am getting my Masters in counseling, you would think I would be more in tune with my own feelings! I think that tomorrow I have to get my head clear. Get my meals right, go to the gym. I can't keep on saying "OK, I will start Monday" I don't have anymore Mondays!!! I have used that excuse up...I'm tired of using it. I wish that my brain would start cooperating with me.
I am really in need of some support and encouraging words because this week is going to be a struggle for me. One week! I ready to get this done! I want start my journey. Am I ready? I don't know, but I have to be...
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About Me
West Bloomfield, MI
Location
40.8
BMI
Surgery
06/30/2009
Surgery Date
Feb 03, 2009
Member Since
