astrogirl1275

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so offically ive lost 116 pounds since the start of this journey in aug last year.
its been a hard struggle and now in these last few months im still haivng a struggle with the idea of wanting to eat but knowing i cant. i feel like i have not lost as much as i should have and find myself getting down in the dumps occ about it. just these last few weeks my life has gone to shit again, so all i want to do is eat crap food.
i still avoid bread, at all costs, pasta and most other carbs, but am having this nutty urge to eat sweets and garbage.   its driving me nuts.
ive never had a sweet tooth before in my life, and now im diabetic free  ( 3 days post op) all i want to do is eat.
Im starting to think its more of an emotional thing due to sress and total life change, but i feel full all the time and iknow im not making the right diet choices. im going to get back on my protien tomorrow and get back to it.
for eg..
i crave things like- a sausage patty, with half a egg for breakfast, i only drink decaf now due to some issues 6 months op, but still crave coffee.

then snack-- its usally 4 triscuts w a piece of cheese, half  an apple or baby yogurt, or even worse- cheetos!!- i mean if iwas able to - i can almost eat a entire small bag...BAD BAD girl i know.

lunch- usally soup of some kind- i still throw out all chunks, as im too scared to get full.. and i only swallow what i really know i cant spit into a napkin cos it tastes too damn good..or half a crispbread w peanut butter, or a sliceof turkey, a cheese...

snack again- no im not kidding...HUNGRY.. almonds, cheesestick,  or a couple of bites of whatever.

dinner- a VERY small portion of whatevers going.. love salad, with some dressing to start..then about 1-2 oz of meat usally will do it.
can only have very rare steak- otherwise its too hard to swallow- usally i spit it all into a napkin anyway..
then- i get STARVING AGAIN in the middle of thie night...
its bad.. i think im eating too much..
and of course.. ive started to have the odd drink every now and again.
i feel fat and blobby..
even though ive gone from a 26-12- i still feel like a heffa. i know its crazy, but  i think i just have lost my focus- i need to get on board.
Im hoping it will all get back to me soon..
def time to get my ass into shape.
hugs to everyone-S.

so ive done it ive officially hit the 50 pd loss mark and its a frigign miricle. I cant believe that in 2 months i have lost so much weight.
its such an odd feeling, it really is.

life is almost back to normal, work is driving me postal but other than that im doing pretty well.
I am still unble to eat much and in fact, Dr Zorn mentioned to me that int h weeks to follow, it would be a little harder to eat as the healing is being done.- I can only ever eat a few crackers at a time, or approx a 1/4 cup of whatever im eating, Its still frustrating  as all hell but i get it now. Im def not getting the protien i need as i just cant fit it in, but im drinking as much as i can and trying to get my vitamins in.
usual day of food is as follows.==
B- 4 saltine crackers w/ peanut butter
L- egg drop soup about 2 cups- followed by 3 slices of apple w/ peanut butter
S- 3 saltines w a small slice of cheese
D- about a 1/4 cup of whatevres going- but still no meat, nor startches, or carbs. which pretty much leaves me w/ crackers again.
ridiculous isnt it?
i know im not really eating enough, but thats all i can do.Im completley amused that it takes me about 4 days to finish 1 small apple.
thats hilarious to me.
anyhow- theres your update. For those of you that stilla rent sure if this is the right thing to do?= JUST DO IT. Its worth it. believe me.
till next time- Cheers= S.

well its been almost 7 weeks since the big chop- and i feel fantastic. its such a difference i cant even explain it.
To date- im almost 43 pounds down, and its amazing. im down from a 24- to a 18-20, and i have one chin- i know a miricle. hahaha
My eating is ok, i pretty much live on crackers, cheese, nuts, carnation IB, water and unsweetened tea.
I am uable to handle any meat other than very small sliced deli, and def no carbs other than crackers. It suits me fine. I have become a master of chewing and spitting it out. And the only thing i seem to miss is that swallowing feeling. My adversions for dumping so far have been ice cream- i had a few bites and paid handsomly for it-  never again... big no no./
and fish.- its made me sick as a dog.
I live for broth and wonton soup and im able to handle lettuce with a small dressing so thats been great to be able to handle a little veg. people are starting to not recognize me, and its been funny. Esp now i dyed my hair darker. Im back to work on Mon and im looking forward to it. Im bored off my ass at home,.so my new life is all kicking into gear. Im terrible at getting all my h2o and protein in, its just not working for me. however im religous on my vitamins and b12, and have started the viactiv chewable calcium tabs so thats giving me some nutrients.
ill write more when i can. hope everyone is doing well.
hugs- S.

well i didnt die- thank god- and finally got home today formt he hospital- i felt fine- However afer surg on tuesday i spiked a really bad fever- and thought i was going  to die- god i was so sick, i was crying, feverish, and my whole body ached.
Surg went well mon- i was in recovery for about 4 hours, i was out- i felt much better today and actually ate some broth yesterday for the first time- and it was delicious!
SO far ive tried the sugar free pops- eww- i cant handlt cold things- but room temps fine and hot even better.
I ate 4 oz of broth yesterday and was fine. today i managed an oz of cottage cheese, it was wonderful and broth of course- so far so good- just having issues drinking all the water. I get so full.
anyhow i have my post op on tuesday- hoping to weight in soon, retaing alot of water right now- dreading to see how much ive put on since surg.
buying a scale tonight- and wont weigh myself more than once a month- i hope! thanks again! its good to be alive!- S

So here it is the day before i get my guts ripped open tomorrow. Its unreal to me right now that in exactly  20 hours i will be out like trout and have the most life changing event happening to me.
Its been a good weekend- I went to eat for the last time at outback, my fav, and enjoyed a good steak for the last time with my kiddies.
Ive had many mixed emotions all weekend. Went to walmart bought all the vitamins, protein powder ( soy based), and my perosnal favourite-the pooping potion. - ie- Milk of Magnesia-- god its revolting.. Im waiting for the wrath that is to follow as i sit here and drink my breakfast of chick broth. - hmm. My entire house hold has been warned of the pending fartdom that is to follow.  so needless to say for the rest of the day i will be staying home.
hahaha.
ALl i have left to do is finish packing, and ride it out. We will be leaving for the hospital at 4am, i have to check in at 5am/ Then surg is scheduled for 7.30am.- Its almost over- im almost on the losers bench. Holy crap.
Thanks agian to everyone for all your nice messages and words of encouragment. - This site has been a life saver for me. Please pray for me- i need it!!- we ill write more when i get home! woo hoo..
S.

So here it almost is- im ofifcially 5 days from my op. Im so freakin nervous too. I had a bit of a freak out last weekend, started to wonder what the hell i was going to do to myself and sat there and tried to argue that my decsion to do this was a bad one. Needless to say, not one valid piont came to mind and I know that  this is a good desicon, no matter how scared i am.

My kids are a litle scared too- My 9 yr old happened to see me watching a gb video of a live op, and it kind of freaked her out too. She understands and made me feel at ease when she said..." mom- you will be fine, and no matter what, you will get better. ". Ahh... kids-- so resiliant arent they?
Im looking forward to a nice break off work to recover, 6 weeks ive been given to relax and heal well.
Its goignt o be a very reflecting time for me. All these feelings and emotions are starting to surface withiin me now. I have been fat for so long, and all of my past insecurites have stemmed from my weight, Now- after all these years its all about to change. Change makes me nervous.- but i know its a good thing.
Im counting down the days now. I WILL DO THIS, and I WILL HEAL WELL.
I cant wait for my new life. Ive been taking all the pre meds, and the vitamins and protein for a few weeks now. Tonight- i am going to treat myslef to one last meal of real food before i get to live on liquids for a few months. Ha ha.
now where to go??-
I plan on enjoying it - no matter what. - 5 days folks.... 5 days.......

Its offical my date is now OFFICALLY  NOVEMBER 12TH i cant believe this is finally happening- i have a new outlook on life now- its time to increase the protien eerrghhh...
cool part is some of my obh friends are around the same time- how cool! so if any of you postops have suggestions for me on food tips, or just genrally healing better- let me know thanks!

GREAT NEWS!!!- Im IN!!!- im so excited i could throw up!- haha.
Today i met with my nutrition person, my internist- great Dr,- and then finally got to meet my surgeon- im so excited- i have been cleared for surgery, All my labs are done, my gallbladder is perfect and i get to keep it for now.

They are submitting my request this week- and Dr Zorn my surgeon says im a shoe in for a approval. I cant wait- looks to him like ill have a surg date before the end of the month!- YAY!!! things are looking great for me!
My clinic is fab, everyone has been so supportive, i have great friends and a good support team- I cant believe its almost over- THis has been so hard for me. He said he will be calling me next week with a date. ! can you believe it? WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just got back from my gall bladder ultrasound and thankfully as is well. However the technician gasped when she saw my liver and its i guess lack of function- Apparently- this old fat girl has a liver 3 times the normal size, i was told that there is so much fatty tissue around my liver that it was hard to see through it. Nice huh?- i need this surgery NOW.

I  got my labs back and got a freaked out call from my pcm, who prceeded to tell me that " Shannon- Your body has completely stopped producing Insulin, even with the meds.- If we dotn do somthing soon- YOU WILL DIE."
this scares the crap outta me. So anyhow- were on a time line now- my surgury clinic is swinging into emergency action- next tuesday-i have 3 appts in a row- i will be spending the entire day in the hostp with the final appts for surgury.

9am- Nutrionist, 11am- surgical consult with Dr Zorn, 2.15- Internist appt with aneithasist and the like. its all happening now- i giess where ready to roll- and if all goes well, ill be on the losers bench before Oct is done. scary huh?

I purposley picked my ppo insurance through my employer as i was told i twas covered by my baratirc surgeon, i get a call the other day saying that not only is it NOT covered by my ppo Blue x blue sheild, but hes not contracted with them so now i can only get the surgery if i agree to pay them 7,400.

I was livid. After mulitple calls to and from my insurance i was forced to pick a new clinic and surgeon, I have been referred to Dr Tanaka and Dr Zorn here who are just as good as Dr Whitgrove, however its the principle of the thing and i might just has to re do all my paperwork from scratch. im so freaking frustrated.
If i had this 7400, i couldof gone in for surgury within weeks.- Since i have no co-signer or decent credit due to a divorce- im pretty much up poo creek without a paddle.
Im so disheartened. I called the new Clinic and luckily called the DAY they did there monthly seminars and had to attend theres the other night, I have also got my old clinic to forward all labs, phyc, physical, and dietary info to the new place. They may only take part of what i have had done, as they have there own peeps to deal with aswell- so i prettty much forked out 300 for my pysch eval that is now hopeless.

If this couldnt get anymore frustrating- the new clinic calls me to tell me today that thge insurance company accidently dropped my insurance on sept 1st- WOOPS. and we will have to reapply later. I went off, and demanded they get to the bottom of this crap before the days end.
Im ready for this and deserve it. 
THe new clinic assures me now, that she will keep me posted as it goes along, and not to worry too much- yeah right.

All i need now is the approval and a xray on the old gallbladder.
If this doesnt go through, ill be devestated. ALl i want is this to happen for me- ive had to many let downs latley- so fingers crossed- app this guy is Contracted with my insurance, and it should be ok-but ive had 2 major setbacks since this began so who freaking knows.
man- am i pissed or what.
cheers. S.