Dec 13th

Dec 13, 2006


Christmas is almost here !!!

 


Dec 9th

Dec 09, 2006

So I am eating horribly. I forget to eat then I eat what is handy like party mix. The buggle,pretzel corn chip ones. I can pack it back over an hour or so.

 I am starting to think failure. I was talking to a friend who use to weigh less than me and I could totally sence that she wants me to fail. She knows someone who put back on all the weight and she almost assumingly say I hope that doesn't happen to you. It almost made me sick.

 I am also going thru this guilt thing everytime someone compliments me on how good I look and I doen't tell them about the surgery. It just isn't always an opportune time to talk about surgery in a brief encounter. 

Also my mother in her yearly Christmas letter told the world about the surgery and exactly how much weight I have lost. That was not ok with me. UGHHHH ! 

I HAVEN'T LOST ANYTHING IN 3 WEEKS !! It is my own fault. My cloths keep getting larger though so I must be loosing inches. I have eaten french fries and gravy, chocolate, carmels and hardly any protein.

I am starting to feel the whole " competition thing " with women at church. It was ok for me to lose some weight but I can stop losing now because I am not on their level of  " perfectness " so give up now. I am just all negativity tonight !

If nothing else this blog may help someone to know what not to do ! If I had never tried to eat sugar I could have went years without craving carbs. But alas I could eat pretzels all day long now.

I am feeling unworthy of losing this weight I am twisted. I need some therapy or I may not get this out of the ditch.

Nov 25th

Nov 25, 2006

1 month till Christmas !!! I am so behind in everything this season. Usually I am done everything by now with all my baking in the freezer  not this year : (  ahh I'll catch up by Dec 24th ! I am hosting Chrismas at my house this year and I usually love it but this year seems different  ...  I am not sure if it is morning the loss of all my favorite Christmas treats or just that my focus is everywhere. I usually am just so other focused that I don't buy anything for myself for months before Christmas but this year I am really into myself , new boots , hair , cloths. I am definately not in the selfless mode I usually am. I hope I can still feel the true spirit of Christmas. I am not disappointed in myself though because I really haven't taken care of myself for years and I know I deserve it. It is just strange. The weight loss is coming along slow and steady. I had a horrible experience on Thursday night I ate a couple cheesies and was sick the whole night. I hate being nauseous !  Serves me right !

Nov 20th

Nov 20, 2006

Well let me tell you what a week I have had ! I was in almost constant pain Mon , Tues , Wed , and Thurs. I went  to a walk in clinic to get some painkillers on Wed but before that I called my surgeons office and got the next day he was in for an appointment,Thurs. So The regular GPs drugs didn't help. I was almost a basket case by Thurs.  My surgeon listened to me go on about how I know it is just gas but something doesn't feel right and I need him to tell me I am ok. He doesn't answer and gets on the phone calling in a favor over at the hospital to get me in for an emergency CT scan. Egads . I listened to him expain to the Dr over there why I needed one and that scared me to death. He even said in these kind of cases even if the CT is normal if the pain continues the patient needs to be opened up and get it figured out ! From what I understand the gas may be from the old intestine leaking into the stomache causing the gas and pain. He said I was not out of surgery long enough for it to be in my working intestine. So long story short ... Saturday morning I woke up pain free !!! Crazy isn't it.  He saw me again Friday morning and ordered an ultrasound to rule out gallstones and kidney stones. I am a little worried the pain will come back. One bright spot was I hardly ate anything all week and am now down 50 pds since surgery and 91 from my highest !

Nov 14th

Nov 14, 2006

I am in so much pain it is making me sick. I have been having this pain since yesterday morning couldn't sleep so went to the emergency room at 4am. They had to wake a Dr up and have him come in. Of course the pain went away as soon as I layed down for him to examine me.He said it was mostlikely gas. It hurts so much..... I do hope it is not anything major. I hope it goes away soon. I tried to get in to my GP for some pain meds but he can't see me till Friday. This sucks !

Nov 10th

Nov 10, 2006

Well I saw my Dr on Tuesday and he said I may or may not have a hernia. I need to watch it closely as it is "barely there" so hopefully it is nothing but he said he'd take care of it if it is. I like him.

I got on the treadmill yesterday , about killed me ! I sure went faster than before surgery. I am sick of this gas !!! I hurt everyday. I think it may be the liquid protein I take but I love it and hate every other one I have tried. I guess I will have to live with it.

I am into a size 20 pants now down from the 26's I was wearing, wow. Everyone at church keeps telling me I look great. I know it is church and most everyone is kind there but they keep telling me and telling me. I love it !

I need to get a new haircut now to match my new old clothes and all the new boots I have bought. Does anyone else go shoe crazy at this point, it is like you waste your money buying cloths so you switch to shoes? Maybe I am alone and crazy but hey I got alot of shoes and boots now !


November 6th

Nov 06, 2006

Well I finally exercised tonight ! I went to aqua jog. It was great to be lighter and use the second bigest belts instead of the biggest. I am sore but still have energy I came home and shoveled the driveway. I cleaned house all day and was mean  to my kids. Everytime my house is spotless  I get after my kids about everything. You dropped a piece of rice on the floor  blah  blah blah. Like big deal. I need to treat my family better than anyone on the planet and I fail miserably. I do think I may be  a little depressed. I am freaking out about silly things to my kids and husband. Poor guy. He is so wonderful and I am a hormonal psyco at times. I am LDS and he and I were married in the temple for time and all eternity and sometimes I really feel like he got the short end of the stick, at least I will have all eternity to make it up to him. Well I am sure in the end we will both agree that this surgery has been all worth it. It is like I am going thru detox, and everyone around me is paying. Ah it is only temporary I will figure this all out. I see my Dr tomorrow I hope he is pleased with me and hopefully that scale will move tomorrow morning !

October 30th

Oct 30, 2006

Well today I am dealing with guilt. I am almost 6 weeks out and I have been eating junk. Meat will not go down and taco chips and cheesies do. I only eat one or two and then skip my starches but  I feel like a failure. I even ate a bite of chocolate yesterday. I do not dump ... I am glad about that but a little disappointed that I  am not forced, to not eat it.  I am so sick of cream of wheat! I have lost 35 pds and tonnes of cloths are too big now but I know I am limiting my success. I am just sick of not eating anything at parties or with friends going out to eat. Whining yes ... ok I am just excited to start exercising in a day or two I think then I will get my focus back.

I am converting my old posts hope it works!

Oct 30, 2006



MySpace Layouts

MySpace Layouts






MySpace Layouts

MySpace Layouts


I love this picture above.This is what riding a horse I love after this surgery will feel like, I hope it will take me to another world like this picture does.
I am presently waiting for a surgery date. It has been a relatively quick journey to surgery. Here                                                                                                                                                                               in Canada our public healthcare pays for the surgery  and so some people have to wait 5 years for surgery. I                                                         have waited one and a half years so far.

I have 4 kids ranging in age from 2-11yrs old. My husband is an
optometrist and we live in a great town.  Life is good and can only get better by getting rid of 100 plus pds!    

July 27th 2006
Well I started today to take back my life. It hit me last night when my husband was riding me about eating poorly ( sourcream chips) that he has every right to ride my butt about my bad choices. I was mad at him
because he wasn't supporting me. Isn't that insane if I was a drug addict getting high in front of someone would I expect them to support me in that decision.Would I be justified in thinking "he doesn't love
me enough or he'd accept me just the way I am". Of course not if that person loved me he wouldn't let me enjoy the high he'd ride me about being a drug addict and  how he wanted me to quit. Same thing with
food minus the illegal part. He loves me so he rides me about food and wont leave me alone to enjoy the high I get from it . He will not enable me by bringing me home KFC. I get mad at him everytime and it turns into a fight but really I should thank him he loves me enough not to
contribute to my destruction. I love him for that.

blog layouts

blog layouts



Start weight 295 pds - highest weight 321pds - 5 foot 7inches
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MySpace Layouts


So my journey begins I do hope I can keep the pace!


July 28th
I had a great day yesterday took a 2hr walk went to aquafit last night for the first time. I asked my skinny friend to come with me so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I think I can go all the time now. There was even a guy there bigger than me. I don't know why that matters but I felt comfortable there. I ate really good .I read a book
that said coconut oil helps you lose weight of course I ran out and bought some. If some book said I needed to stand on one leg while chewing grass I'd probabbly do that too. Time will tell about the coconut oil. It also said to spice up your food to raise your body temperature wich will raise your metabolisim. By the way I totally can
not spell and I know it but really don't care to do anything about it. So I have to lose 25 pds in order to even get the RYN. My Dr made me lose 30pds to quatify for surgery I did it but then gained back 25 of it. Really
he should have had me come in once a month to check up on me. It has been 4 months since I was cleared for surgery and still no date. Usually he says it is 2-6 weeks wait for a date. I am not sure how much is ok to have gained I know of one that was 7 pds up and he still did it. I will get it off.         



I really don't know how all this web developing goes but I love this song. I bought the CD the other day and this song has a nasty swear word in it  but I found an edited version, so I can love it again! Don't you wish some old boyfriend felt this way about you. This artist must be half woman. Do men ever really pine like this?

July 29th
Yesterday was a busy day and I hardly ate so then at 6:00pm I was famished. I ate alot for supper but it was acceptable. I hoped on the scale this morning I was 290 wich is good but I really know myself and I should only hop on the scale once a week. If I am down I give myself permission to have some things I shouldn'y but if I am up or stalled I give up. If I don't know I stay focused, sounds crazy as I type it but that's me.

 

July 31st
I have had a few cruddy eating days. Camping and eating good really done not mix well with me! Ah well bacck on track tomorrow right...I have heard that one a little too often.

August 14th
I got my surgery date today ...  September 20th. I am so excited! I will be able to sit on Santas lap without having to put his knee out! I am really in lala land. This day has been a long time coming a year from my decision to pursue surgery till today. Hopefully I'll have some progress to report on my pre-op weight loss soon.

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MySpace Layouts



August 28th
Well I am down to 282! Yipee for me. I have been going to aquasize every night I can. My clothes feel loser and I feel way more limber. This is really going to happen. Sudden change I am even dressing better. I great pal gave me a tonne of incredible cloths she had shrunk out of and let me tell you that sure makes a difference in how you feel about yourself. I have bought a toone of shoes and boots too. I am feeling like I walk a little taller lately. I am really happy with myself that I have been eating so great. Anyhow the countdown is on! 14 more sleeps till my pre-surgery weigh in. I can do it 12 more pounds to go!

September12th
Well I fell off the wagon and am still 280 pds. I had my pre-admission clinic yesterday. It went well other than I am still up in my weight. I do hope they don't cancell my surgery because of 10pds. We'll see. I have been eating the house since I got a call last week to come in last minute 2 weeks early for surgery. I missed the call and they had filled it by the time I called back. It really took me for a loop. I started eating and haven't stopped since. The bowel prep they gave me looks daunting! It is huge. I do hope to lose a few pounds these last days. It is really going to happen I am getting excited!

October 5th
Well I am now 2 weeks post op and feeling pretty good. The worst by far has been the gas pains! I cut out all dairy and protein shakesI am introducing them  slowly so I know what I can handle. The operation went well and my incision is healing well. I do really love my doctor he is the chief of surgery in our mid sized hospital and is an incredible surgeon. He reminds me of House. But really does care about our feelings not just our health. I have lost 18pds so far . I actually gained 10pds in the hospital that was a downer! But now I can actually say I have lost 28pds right! I do hope things go along this well for good. My recovery has been great : )

October 15th
I am finally eating real food! Hamburger and mushroom soup never tasted as great! I am dealing with a really negative mood lately. I can't eat this and this and this and this. I went out to eat with friends in a restaurant and that was just torture! It is funny though I believe I miss the quantity more than the quality too. I'd love to just stuff my face and chew and swollow. I loved to get lost in eating. Anyhow lots of clothes are looking great. I have bought a tonne of boots and they look great. I do like that everyone can tell I have lost weight. Things are good.

About Me
Lacombe, AB
Location
29.4
BMI
RNY
Surgery
09/20/2006
Surgery Date
Mar 30, 2005
Member Since

Friends 12

Latest Blog 29
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